Re: log: hospital - sam/louis
She waved off his obvious caution when he laughed loud. "She's gonna have to get used to loud, yeah? Me and Cris are loud about fucking everything." She grinned cheeky. "EVERYTHING." Poor kid, yeah? But Sam had grown in a one-bedroom with onion-thin walls, and it hadn't fucked her up or anything, yeah? Knowing about shit, and hearing shit. Her life hadn't ever been quiet, and she wasn't pretending Joey's was gonna be. Sam didn't know quiet good, and as much as people said she needed to change now that she was a moms, well, Sam wasn't sure she COULD change. She wasn't sure she wanted to change, yeah? To clean up, yeah. To not fall apart, yeah. But not to CHANGE. She liked herself, which was maybe weird or vain or something, but when she was like this, kinda chill and the world not ending, she liked herself. When she wasn't hating herself for failing Cris, she liked herself. When she was judging herself against other people without her damage, she liked herself.
"Ok, ok," she said of Oliver staying a while, because she didn't know how hard this shit was gonna be once the baby was home. She knew she was kinda looking at it all better than it would be, but she thought that was ok. But maybe he was right, and it would be good to get used to shit before Oliver left the store.
That thing with the spoons was hella ignored, and she just kept dipping her fingertip into the mashed potatoes. Now she was doing it deliberate, yeah? Her grin said as much, and he might as well get used to it. She was entertained by the fact that she might make him twitch or something. Sam, she didn't think about germs under fingernails or anything. Man, the five-second rule was like a five-minute rule for her.
"If I tell you that it's fucking dumb to just give up, are you gonna listen? Or are you gonna martyr over there?" she asked unapologetic. "When Cris' wife showed up, I was all NO GO BE WITH HER, yeah? It was hella stupid of me. Fight for the shit you want, Lou. Life isn't gonna fight for shit for you." She licked her fingertips. "I'm not saying being a doormat, ok? But don't take yourself out of the fucking race. If you lose, lose trying. Or something like that. Your thing with D is HELLA new. Shit takes time. What if Cris had just stood aside when Neil came around, huh? Gave up just like that!" She snapped her fingers for emphasis. "Nah, don't do that shit. If it's important, fight for it. You might still lose, but you won't wonder or whatever."
He talked about people not ending up with lovers or something, and Sam rolled her eyes. "Just focus on day-to-day, like my therapist says. Stop making big fucking statements about your future. You don't know what the fucking future might bring, yeah? Don't waste energy worrying about it." It wasn't about romance or anything, what she was saying. It was about living. Climb a fucking mountain! Fly to the moon! Paint a masterpiece! End global warming! Dream big, yeah?