Re: Call: Dietre A./Hugh C.
I'm glad you're better. [Hugh thinks about Hannah, about loneliness and needing to feel wanted.] It's nice to feel like somebody wants you there. [He's talking quietly now] And I think when you want that badly enough you can see the love you want even when it doesn't exist and it's not until you kind of push back from all of it that you realize it was actually not.
I think I'm scared sometimes. Like, the last two people that I fell in love with, I put myself out there. And too late with the first, and then I swore I wouldn't make that mistake again, so I fucking worked up the courage to say. And she left too. And... [Deep breaths, his mind sort of floats back to the earlier memory and he wasn't going to dwell on it, cause that falling in love when he didn't intend to is way too real, and the way it happened over, and over, and god he doesn't also really want to think about any of the final shit, because fuck it - he's been entangled enough with Jamie Mayer's sex life in any and all stretches of the words - to know better than to mention that memory to anyone - ever, but that's not the point either, cause it's the repetition, and none of them stayed, and that sets something tight in Hugh's chest that he doesn't want to think about. Because there's what he wants, and then there's what he thinks he might be able to claw out, which is just some endless repetition of wanting, and slices of happiness, leading to falling, into like, everything shattering.
He realizes he's trailed off, and he swallows] What if that's just the cycle? You know? And then I end up all over the place, like, should I just go back to the clubs? Should I... just try and keep trying. I don't know. Sorry. Um. Sorry. I just got um... It's all these fucking memories in my head.