Re: The Disaffected/The Entertainer
If you clung to youth, you could shrug off a certain amount of responsibility. Nicky's childhood had first been impossibly extended, then scoured away; steel wool of experience viciously removing layers of innocence and laying him bare. Things lost to the River Lethe had been recovered. His sister had been lost. Nicky had very nearly lost his mind, and traversed a very dark path, all in a short amount of time. Would fuck any kid up and good. Fair: no, messy: yes. Necessary? Absolutely. That was life, he would agree. Brought with it an awakening of what he was truly capable of, but nobody came awake willingly, Everyone would sleep forever if they could.
But, Will had been there, when he'd woken up. Reminders that he was alive. That he wasn't alone. That he was wanted. ABCs of love: First awkward: shyness, uncertainty, the feeling that you were always on display for someone else. Trying to be some version of your best self all the time instead of your true self. Rereading texts fifty times before you sent them, stuttering and stumbling your way through conversations. Then blissful: physical touch, fingers to fingers, lips to lips. Transforming slowly from awkward to comfortable. First time together, first time for either of them. Skin bared, lights off, touches growing more bold and eager. Then complicated: they came from different worlds, they had different ideas of what the world should be. They necessarily spent a lot of time apart. The times together slowly lost their comfort. Nicky found reasons to pick fights. Reverted back to the old habits, the nobody-wants-me, the trying to please his impossible-to-please father. How did it feel? "Like we were too different," he said. "We could love each other all we wanted, but I'd never be good enough for him." Daddy issues? Went even better with a drink. Nicky's were serious and deep. "That feeling was all on me. He got tired of telling me and showing me I was wrong about that." Pushed Will away, and there was no doubt about that.