Re: Hannah & Hugh
I'm still hesitant to talk about it, because it is muddled in my mind. What I can say is what I felt and I don't know that Jamie asked me not to tell, so much as I felt that he was uncomfortable. Whatever happened, for him, seemed to be a much bigger deal than it was for me, and so I thought I would give him some space on it while I tried to figure out what to do.
I worried that if I said 'Jamie was my dream partner' that you would want to know details, which put me in an awkward place. And because I had already told you what was important to me in terms of what happened - prior to realizing that I shared it with Jamie - not telling you immediately didn't seem like the worst decision at the time. Later I wasn't certain how to proceed and I obviously messed that up.
That's what I remember feeling. I would have to go back and look at what I told you that night. I was scared and frustrated and angry at myself, and it had been a very long weekend; I was exhausted and drained emotionally, and I'd pulled myself through a lot of really hard conversations. That isn't an excuse, it's just a recognition that I was miles away from my best. If I implied or said Jamie asked me to, that was over-stating it. Jamie was uncomfortable, and I picked up on that, and it made me more hesitant to talk.
After weeks of thinking over it, all I can really say is it was messy, and I'm messy and I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I'm telling you the truth and not misrepresenting anything, but it's the truth to the best of my ability. I may be remembering details wrongly, or have misrepresented something in my mind, but it's the truth as I remember it - for what little that is worth.