nymphadora tonks is back from the stars. (hufflepunk) wrote in reoccurrence, @ 2020-08-20 23:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | tonks nymphadora |
WHO. tonks & teddy.
WHERE. andromeda & ted's house.
WHEN. very early hours of 20th aug.
WHAT. something she's been missing.
STATUS. complete.
Despite having charmed the sofa to fit the pair of them, and despite finding a particularly comfortable spot as Remus's big spoon, Tonks struggled to achieve the actual sleep part, lying still but awake as her mother's sitting room danced in dark spots before her eyes. There was too much to think about, her brain fuzzy and restless, picking up one loose thread of a thought and then another. Like static, like a tv switching endless channels. The new restrictions, their loss of Grimmauld, Pettigrew, Sorry, really, I'm very sorry. But it's just too much hassle employing somebody like you, especially with these new rules coming from the potential employer with the fat enough wallet to change things, the fact she hadn't even told Remus it had gone wrong, the offer from that Greengrass woman to make rent in a night, the RR's response, the fight with her mother and the terrible accusation she had launched at her. If she managed to push one thing away another took its place: a relentless hydra. Delicately, she pulled herself away from Remus, careful not to wake him, and crept out of the room. She knew he wouldn't resent her for waking him to talk, but she didn't want to talk. She wanted to rest. She wanted something – someone else. The terrible part of spending so much time with Teddy, the bit she hadn't told anybody about, was how awful it felt to not be able to touch him how she wanted. He was supposed to be a baby, a bundle of tiny limbs, dependent on her arms to hold him, on her to feed him. Now here he was all grown and tall for his age and constantly running out of her grip. It wasn't even that he wasn't affectionate. He was – hugged his newly returned parents plenty, asked them both for piggybacks, would bury right into their sides when they were reading together. Still it felt only a whisper of what she craved, barely anything compared to how much she should have had. It wasn't as if she was something she could make up for much, either. He wasn't a toddler. Pulling him up to sit on her lap too often felt like babying him, holding him up on her hip or carrying him right against her chest were options gone years ago. All that lost time was felt most acutely when he was close but never quite close enough. She missed him most when he was right next to her. There was a half second of hesitation at his bedroom doorway before entering. Scared at any moment she might make a noise worthy of waking up the whole house, she slowly lifted up the corner of his duvet and slipped in, the mattress sinking down under her weight. A worry crossed her mind that he might not want her there, might wake up and tell her she was squishing him. Quietly she made herself promise she wouldn't get upset. And then, a groggy little hrrmph? as he tried to open his eyes and figure out what was happening. "Shhh, it's just Mum. It's okay love, you can go back to sleep." There was no just Mum though, she knew that. Even after the months they'd had to get used to each other, both of them were still a novelty in each other's lives. Teddy rubbed his eyes, his curiosity granting him enough energy to take in the details of what was happening. "Mum? Why are you in my bed?" Tonks chewed on her lip, a little nervous. "I wanted to sleep here with you. Is that okay?" she asked. His response was to wriggle over, making more space for her. "Do you have a sore tummy or did you have a bad dream?" Wasn't that some way to describe it? To die, to leave a child orphaned, to come back and find yourself unable to care for him in the ways you should have been able to, to feel like half the person you were before. To have got want you wanted, in theory (their family, safe; the war, over) but to have it all feel so terribly like before. Just a bad dream. That would be nice. "A bit of a bad dream, yeah. But it's better now I'm here." She shifted closer to him, pulling him into her arms and letting their curled up bodies meld together in cosy warmth. Teddy yawned, his little nose scrunching up. "Gran lets me sleep in her bed when I have a bad dream," he said. "Yeah? Well Gran cuddles are magic, they can fix everything." He hummed in agreement, his eyes opening and closing in long, barely awake blinks. "Mum cuddles are good too." "I've missed out on a lot, so I'll have to give you extra now, won't I?" A soft smile crept onto her lips and she stroked down his nose, giving it a tiny tap at the end of her question. He returned the smile, sleepy and only half there, and then asked, "Mum?" curiously. "Yeah?" Teddy looked up at her through his eyelashes (as she had a quiet thought about how sweet they were, how touching it was to watch him fight against sleep for her) and his last bit of energy was put to a strange expression, like he had some cheeky secret he couldn't tell. "Nothing. Love you." By the time she pressed a kiss to his forehead and responded, "Love you too, sweetheart," he was asleep again. Tonks, finally satisfied, for once close enough, followed soon after. |