Catherine 'Kitty' Gilmore (duplicitat) wrote in remains_rpg, @ 2017-02-21 12:52:00 |
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Entry tags: | # 2020 [02] february, kitty gilmore, zach montgomery |
Who: Kitty Gilmore and Zach Montgomery
Where: Kitty and Zach's home
What: Zach and Kitty finally sit down and talk about a desire they have in common.
When: February 8th, 2020 - Evening
Upstairs had fallen blissfully quiet, which could only mean one thing -- Zach was successful in his efforts to convince their children to go to bed. He was always more successful than Kitty, which was how he found himself as the final parent they saw most evenings and Kitty found herself downstairs tidying up the kitchen. It was a system that worked for them, one they performed almost seamlessly by this point. Kitty used to think of it as a dance, the way she would start with one child, he would start with the other, they would swap and then Zach would tackle the endless stream of ‘One more book, I need water and check for monsters?’ that always, always happened after their goodnights were said. As she stood at the sink and finished the last of the dinner dishes, Kitty heard Zach’s footfalls down the stairs and after so many years felt his presence almost as he entered the room. “Are you returning the conquering hero of bedtime?” Kitty asked with a glance over her shoulder, a small smile on her lips. “Or are we about to enter round two?” She had her suspicions already that Zach had won tonight’s battle, but she would let him confirm instead of making assumptions. "I am the hero!" Zach replied happily, raising his arms in triumph before letting them fall as he walked over closer. Some days, more often than Kitty would admit, she found herself thinking about the future. More accurately their future. Right now they worked, the two of them raising their children under one roof. But even she was not naive enough to think they would always live under one roof. No, sooner or later their paths would split -- sometimes Kitty just found herself wondering when that might be? The house was quiet and they were both home, not worn out from the day. It made Zach think back to the talk he'd had with Nina - and how he needed to have one with Kitty. It made him nervous to think about, not wanting to ruin the balance and dynamic they'd found over the years. He had to take that first step, though, so he chewed on the inside of his lip for a moment before speaking. "Can we talk?" Year and years of knowing Zach meant that Kitty knew that look -- she knew all the looks that crossed his handsome face, really -- it was the look he got whenever something was weighing on his mind. “Always,” she replied without hesitation as she set aside the dish towel she had been using and circled around the large island in their kitchen. “Do you want to go somewhere more comfortable?” Kitty questioned, ready and willing to be Zach’s listening ear -- after all it wasn’t the first time or the last time that she would fall into that role. “I don’t know,” Zach replied honestly, because he wasn’t sure it mattered where they had the conversation he was angling for. Truly, for him it seemed the important part was actually getting the words out, not where he got them out. So he reached over, taking Kitty’s hand once she was close enough and squeezing it gently. “I love you. I know you know that, but I wanted to say it because I love you and I know you love me but we’re not in love and we both know we won’t ever be, not like that.” His fingers laced with hers and he bit his lip, his thumb brushing over the back of her hand. “And I’m not trying to run away from you, or the kids, or us but I want that - someone to be in love with. Or at least go on a date with, to start.” A soft reassuring smile appeared on Kitty’s face as Zach spoke and once he was finished she tugged gently on their joined hands to pull him closer to her. “I do love you,” Kitty started a need to voice that fact first pressed in on her. “And like you said I know you love me. That will never change, even if our relationship has,” life might have been easier if they had found themselves in love, but that just wasn’t the card fate dealt them. “It’s because of all of that that I know you would never abandon me or our children, but wanting to be in a relationship isn’t abandoning us,” Kitty tipped her head back so that she could peer up at Zach. “You know I want that same thing right?” She took another pause. “To be in love that is, or date.” "I know," Zach confirmed quietly, because he did - even before Nina telling him as much, he could have at least assumed. Kitty laughed softly as she stepped back from Zach and pulled him towards the living room. In her mind this was a conversation that should be had sitting down, not standing up in the middle of their kitchen. Once there she wasted no time in taking a seat on the couch or making Zach join her there. “You know I’ve never really dated…” She studied Zach closely. “And unless I’m wrong neither have you.” They had spent so much time dating and then breaking up and then dating again that she couldn’t place a time when he might have had time to date. “How long has this been on your mind?” "I haven't." There hadn't ever been a time when he could have. Between being with Kitty and the times he hadn't been with her being so wild and free, Zach had only known two different relationship statuses - Kitty, and anyone who seemed fun for a day. The latter definitely didn't count as dating. "It's been there for a bit, I don't know. Kind of at the back for a while and slowly inching its way forward. I think the more I see people who are together, what they have and how they are, the more I can feel how I want that." Even before Zach was done speaking Kitty found herself nodding in agreement with what he was said. She knew that feeling, that sort of dull ache or longing somewhere deep inside. “You want your person,” Kitty said a faint smile still graced her features. “I get that, I want that also,” it hadn’t been such a strong desire until life became something more than simply trying to survive. “Please tell me you haven’t been sitting on this for awhile because you were afraid I’d think you wanted to abandon me and the kids?” Kitty met Zach’s gaze as they sat on the couch, concern in her hazel eyes as she waited for his reply. His was the most devoted dad, she never would have thought in a million years that he was abandoning her with their children simply because he wanted to begin dating -- but it had clearly been a concern of his so she wasn’t going to devalue it. “You're my person,” Zach said musingly, giving her hand a squeeze. “You've always been my person. Just not my person like that.” He frowned softly at her question, thinking on it for a moment before responding slowly. “Not… intentionally. I think maybe I kept it at the back because of that worry, and also some fear - because it's new and different and who knows what might happen.” Bringing up his free hand, he raked his hair back from his face. “And it's not just you thinking I was abandoning you guys, but the kids… I don't want them thinking anything like that. Not that I would ever give them a reason but change is hard, especially for them being so little.” As she shifted on the couch and leaned into Zach - like she had so many times before over the years -- Kitty nodded. “You’re right, and we’ll always be that for each other, just not romantically,” Nearly since the moment the two of them had learned how to speak they had been friends -- best friends -- and that would never change, no matter who it was they each might be coming home to at night. “Oh Zach,” Kitty began as she gave his hand a squeeze. She understood his concerns and his fears, every last one of them. But neither one of them could stay how they were simply because of fear. “We’ve survived parenting, I think dating should be a cakewalk compared to that,” she started with a small laugh. “In all seriousness though, Gigi and Miah know you would never abandon them, and, I think maybe our children will adapt to change easier? They’ve both grown up in a far more unpredictable world than we did,” Nearly for the entire time they had been alive their world had been plagued by the outbreak. “But, I also don’t think it would be a bad idea to ease them into the idea, maybe explain things to them?” Miah was just barely two and a half now, so it might still go over his head. Gigi though, she was closer to five than she was four, so Kitty had a feeling their oldest might grasp the changes easier. “We would have to, explain to them, I mean.” Zach settled further in against Kitty on the couch and he mused over how that conversation might go. How would it start? It felt silly, like they were about to sit their kids down and tell them they were getting a divorce or something, but that wasn't it. “I hope they'd be okay. You're right, it's not like they've grown up like us. And it's not like it would be this sudden change like someone moving out or other people moving in and their entire world changing at once. I guess I just worry.” Tilting his head, Zach pressed his face in against Kitty’s hair and sighed. “You think we’ll be okay, though?” With a gentle nod, Kitty replied. “I do,” and she did. They had weathered worse than having to explain to their children that while mommy and daddy loved each other, it wasn’t the kind of love that made people want to get married. “Why? Are you worried we won’t be?” She paused only a beat before she spoke again. “It’s like you said, we’re not going to be moving out or moving anyone in tomorrow, it’ll be baby steps,” Kitty gave his hand a squeeze. “Steps that both we and our kids can adjust to.” Nothing would change overnight, because dating wasn’t like that, but it was obvious now that something needed to change. “Right, baby steps.” Zach didn't doubt they would be fine, but he had needed the reassurance of hearing Kitty say it too. Because while Kitty loved Zach and vice versa, neither one of them were feeling a need or a desire in each other’s lives anymore. If they let this be, there might eventually come a time that one or both would resent each other - or worse, resent their children. Neither one of those things was a pleasant thought or something Kitty wanted to have happen. “So, now can I be nosy and ask if you have your eye on someone?” Kitty asked in an attempt to lighten the conversation some, and well, also because she was curious and being nosy. Zach’s nose scrunched in response and he huffed out a soft laugh against her hair before lifting his head. “No, I don't. That might be nice, if I did, but I haven't exactly been looking. What about you?” “I think we’re kind of in the same boat,” Kitty replied with a soft laugh of her own and an expression that very closely mirrored Zach’s. While she knew she wanted a relationship in her life, she hadn’t exactly been looking for potential dates. “I mean in that neither one of us have been looking.” Of course there were people that caught Kitty’s eye, both new faces and old, but she hadn’t pursued anything with any of them. “You were at the bar for New Years, are you telling me nobody caught your eye there?” She felt way more comfortable discussing Zach’s love life than she did her own, if only because she was better at navigating other people’s than she was at figuring out her own feelings. “I don't know.” Zach sighed dramatically and buried his face in her hair again, whining for a moment before going on. “I feel like I want a boy. Is that bad? I mean, I’m not saying I wouldn't be happy if there was a very nice girl, so it's not like I would ignore if there was, but… I don't know.” “God no, that’s not bad at all,” Kitty quickly assured Zach. “Do you thinks it’s bad that you want a guy?” She gave his hand another gentle squeeze, of the two of them she was gathering that maybe Zach knew less of what he wanted than she did. “I don't think it's bad,” Zach clarified, sitting up a little so he wasn't so hidden away in her hair anymore. “I just don't want it to be like I’m shutting myself off because I do like both and I’m not saying I like one more than the other it's just right now that's what I feel like I want.” Kitty just gave a nod of understanding, she had a suspicion that was what Zach had meant, but she tried not to make assumptions -- even with him, who she had known forever. “Good, because it’s not,” she said softly, a small smile in place before she added. “Honestly, I don’t think you need to know why you want something, you just do,” Kitty continued. “I mean to be honest every single kiss I’ve shared since we broke up for good has been with a woman,” she added with a small smile. Kitty hadn’t honestly given it much thought until just now, but it was the truth. Every single even remotely romantic interaction she had had in the past two years had been with a woman, which was an interesting revelation for her. “Really?” Zach asked, nothing questioning behind it beyond curiosity. He knew Kitty liked girls too, just like he did, but it was interesting to think about. A playful grin spread across his features. “Did I ruin all other men for you?” A gentle shove was the only reply Zach got for a few seconds, though Kitty was smiling when she caught his gaze, and all Zach could do was laugh. “Oh my god, yes, you ruined all men for me,” Kitty answered with a note of sarcasm in my voice. “And I’m going to assume I’ve ruined all women for you.” She tacked on with a wink, though she knew that wasn’t the case since Zach had already said he wasn’t ruling out the fairer gender, it just wasn’t where his heart was drawn right now. Then with another gentle shove Kitty continued. “And yes, really,” she answered. “There were a couple kisses with Nina, which I told you about, then you know the whole birthday party twister event, and I mean you know Bea and I have always been friendly,” Kitty elaborated even though Zach hadn’t asked for details. “Maybe it’s my subconscious telling me that’s what I want right now…” she continued with a gentle laugh. “No, I knew about all that,” Zach said with a nod, because he had. It wasn't as though he was a stranger to Bea either, and he'd been aware of Kitty’s kisses with Nina before he'd interviewed to be her assistant. “Women are great, I don't blame you.” That was perhaps part of why he was worried he was being wrong in his thinking, because he did think women were amazing and beautiful and worth loving, but he felt more like he wanted something else. But like Kitty had said, subconscious and all that. “Maybe both our brains are prodding us, and we’re just being stubborn and hesitant about it all. But we’ve talked now, and we’re on the same page, so really we just need to keep talking as we go forward to… whatever happens.” “I knew that you knew, so I have no idea why I listed any of that off just now,” Kitty had to laugh at herself, of all the people in her life of course she had told Zach all about this. She hadn’t so much been informing him of the events as much as recording them allude, or coming to some kind of realization she hadn’t had before. “Well, I mean, I am a women so even if I weren’t interested in them romantically I’d still agree with you on that.” she added with a wink and another light shove. Whatever happens Those words felt both exciting and scary to Kitty all at once. For awhile she had always thought that Zach was her future, but as they had grown up they had both realized that this -- confiding in each other, caring for each other, but not being with each other -- was what they were best at. “Us? Stubborn?” Kitty asked teasingly before her expression went a little more serious. “You’re right though, we’ve talked and now there’s really nothing left to do but continue to talk while we sort out what the future holds.” She took another pause and then added in a quieter voice. “Which is a scarier thought than I think it should be…” “It is scary,” Zach agreed quietly, his nose scrunching a moment before he gave a shake of his head. “But hey, we’re great at scary. We’ve gotten through every scary thing so far, so we’ve got a winning record against it. We can do this, too. You and me, dating other people, taking over the world, all of it.” With a soft laugh and a nod, Kitty agreed. “We get straight a’s in handling scary,” though she didn’t know if that was something to be proud of or not. “Maybe let’s try the dating thing first and keep the ‘taking over the world’ as a plan b,” Kitty added with a laugh and after a moment she leaned into Zach a little more. “Although if I were going to take over the world I’d want it to be with you.” She let silence fall between them after that. They had both said their peace and expressed their feelings, now it was just figuring out that next step. “Hey, can I ask you something?” Kitty pulled back from him just enough to catch his gaze, and Zach gave a hum of agreement. “Don’t let me make a million excuses as to why I haven’t actually dipped my toe into the dating pool, you know, now that I’ve actually expressed that’s what I want.” She knew it would be just as easy for her to express her desires and then come up with reasons why she wasn’t putting herself out there. But if Zach knew she might do that, he could also give her a gentle nudge or two to move forward instead of staying where she was, at least that’s what she thought. “I will gladly shove you into the pool,” Zach promised, a mischievous grin turning up the corners of his mouth. “Just like when we were little.” Not that he'd done that often, but he'd certainly done it at least once or twice. Kitty had done the same to him, so he hadn't ever felt bad about it. “And you can keep me from making excuses too. Deal?” “Deal,” Kitty punctuated her words with a quick peck on Zach’s cheek. It was very likely that the years they shared of friendship -- nearly their whole lives -- was a reason they could interact like this after attempting a relationship for so long. There wasn’t any of that weirdness you get after a breakup and for that Kitty was thankful. None of this would likely be easy and the excuses would probably come sooner rather than later, but with the two of them keeping each other accountable Kitty had faith they would be able to tackle their personal lives like they had everything else. |