Savannah Posey (jurisdoctor) wrote in remains_rpg, @ 2016-05-18 21:16:00 |
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Entry tags: | # 2019 [05] may, lalita singh, savannah posey |
Who: Savannah and Lita
Where: Savannah’s office at the LBJ
What: a girl’s night to forget about stupid boys
When: May 6, 2019, after curfew.
Lita had let herself into Savannah’s office, overnight bag in hand, and laid on the couch to await her best friend’s arrival. She knew the shelter leader had endured a busy couple of days and didn’t mind waiting. The time she got to spend with Savannah was always worth the wait. Lita threaded the necklace encircling throat through her fingertips idly, unconsciously, as she often did, her mind on everything and somehow nothing at the same time. Lita had been in a state of numbness since she’d received Bishop’s text a few days ago, going through the motions of life without really noticing or feeling them. Work helped, as it always did. Even if things were getting a little hot at the hospital, dashing any traveling medical plans, Lita filled her schedule with surgeries. She picked up other people’s shifts and worked extra hours in the clinic and lab; not only filling the hours in her day but ensuring favors from docs she could cash in when she needed to. But now, in the quiet of Savannah’s office, surrounding herself with the familiar and homey sights and smells of the LBJ, it was hard to fend off the invasively angry and despondent thoughts she’d barely been keeping at bay. Lita wanted these feelings gone. They were useless to her and she hated how his leaving made her feel: stupid, sad, and, worst of all, dispensable. Lita knew she was none of those things; she wanted to excise these unbearable emotions as easily and cleanly as if she was in surgery. But this wasn’t her operating room and he wasn’t some cancer she could simply cut out of her life. But this: being here, surrounding herself with people, or rather, the one person she could truly count on was a balm to her raw and ravaged feelings. Savannah was rushing through the rest of her afternoon as quickly as possible, not realizing the time as she went to stop at her office, thinking once she’d done that she would be on schedule to meet Lita at the front door. Much to her surprise, her friend was already in her office and had made herself quite at home on the couch. Skidding to a halt and staring at her friend, her mouth in a comical “O” shape like you find in the cartoons, she blinked hard a few times before saying, “You’re here.” Well. Way to state the obvious. “I mean--dammit, I’m sorry. I lost track of time. How long have you been waitin’ for me?” Lita looked up at Savannah’s arrival and smiled for the first time in what seemed like days. “Not long,” Lita replied. From her lying position on the couch, Lita pulled her knees up so Savannah could scoot in and sit down next to her. “I actually came over earlier than I planned. Couldn’t stand to be cooped up in the hospital anymore.” “Don’t I know that feelin’,” Savannah said with a sympathetic smile as she sat down next to Lita. With how crowded the library was, sometimes she felt like claustrophobic and then add that to the million and one thoughts knocking around her brain, well, she could understand the need to get a change of scenery. What she didn’t say, what Lita couldn’t say, is that she felt lonely. There was no reasoning to it; today was a day like any other. She worked her shift, went to the gym, took a shower, worked on some paperwork, puttered around her apartment. Usually, it was enough to fill the hours, to occupy her mind, to call it a hard day well spent. Today it wasn’t. Everything felt hollow and pointless. She needed something more. She had never been so glad to drive the familiar route to the LBJ. “How you doing?” Lita asked. With the sudden departure of Savannah’s main contact at the Dog Park, Lita knew her friend was likely working overtime to make sure her people were protected. Maybe a part of Lita asking about business first was about not being ready to discuss how she was feeling; or, more accurately, what she wasn’t feeling about the whole situation. But mostly, it was concern for her best friend’s well being. Savannah had to ensure the care and safety of hundreds of people; real, she had real, practical problems to deal with in the wake of this shitstorm and even Lita knew that took precedence over her hurt feelings. “Did you get everything worked out with Bishop? The alliance is still okay, right?” “Everythin’ seems to be okay,” Savannah said, gently shrugging. She really just felt at a loss at what to feel about Rodeo’s departure. It had been a comfort knowing the person who had protected Gray in his final days was in her life, maybe a stupid part of her felt like it kept her connected to him, but now Rodeo was gone too. Bishop and Vic were good men and she knew that they would give their all in taking over the Dog Park, but everything was just different now. “It’s all gonna work out. How are you?” She asked, nudging Lita with her foot. It wasn’t in her friend’s nature to be overly emotional, but then again, it wasn’t like her to actually fall in love with someone. If ever there was a time for Lita to have an emotional, this was probably it. “I know it was an awful thing for him to leave like that and we can shit talk him all night if you want, but it’s okay if you’re sad, too.” Lita leaned up to a sitting position and pulled her knees up to her chest. A beat passed, and then two, while she tried to make sense of the dark and strange feelings that had settled over her mind and seeped into her heart over the past few days since he’d left her and in months since he vanished. When Lita looked up at Savannah, her eyes were clear and her expression was resigned. “I’m not sad,” Lita started, trying in her limited way to convey what she was feeling. Any time she had tried to pinpoint the nature of her emotions in the past few days she’d shied away from it, like coming too close to a hot stove you’ve been burned on before. She didn’t want to understand her feelings, she only wanted them gone. But now, with Savannah so close and her friend’s concern so genuine and loving, Lita felt the words to describe her weary heart come easier. “I’m...disappointed in him. And angry. But not surprised at what he’s done...not really. I didn’t find it strange that he could leave behind an army of people that would die for him. It didn’t faze me that he couldn’t even be bothered to say goodbye to them, or to me, like we’re disposable. Actually, it made it easier, in a way. And now that he’s gone, the biggest thing I’m feeling is...relief.” Lita paused; she’d surprised herself. She hadn’t realized she felt that way but once it was out in the air, it seemed right somehow. Savannah’s brows rose, ever slightly, but still she remained quiet. Anything she said could derail from what Lita was saying and she knew her friend deserved the chance to get it all off her chest. “I don’t think it should be that hard, to care for someone,” Lita said softly. She wasn’t even fully aware of what she was saying; it was all sort of a stream of consciousness. “It should be as easy as...as breathing, or falling, or something equally poetic and sappy and weird.” Lita let out a long-suffering sigh; she hadn’t realised she had been holding her breath. The release steadied her, bolstered her, and made the words coming out of her mouth seem real and worth saying. “I think I fooled myself in thinking it was something better than it was because I saw so much of myself in him,” she continued. “Being terrible people with good intentions came pretty naturally to us both. I should honestly thank him. Trying to love him made me realize I was capable of loving someone other than myself and that’s...Christ, I guess that’s better than nothing.” Lita shrugged and, inexplicably, laughed. She ran her slender fingers through her long, dark hair and peered at Savannah through her shag of bangs. “Oh my God, this is some Hallmark shit right here. I am entirely out of my element.” Frowning, now that Lita seemed to be done talking, Savannah shook her head and said, “Don’t. Do not say that about yourself. You’re not a terrible person. And for whatever similarities the two of you may shared, there are a million and one ways that you’re different, stronger and better than he could ever hope to be.” Lita, who didn’t have a bashful bone in her entire body, found herself sort of shying away from the effusive and earnest praise Savannah heaped on her. Savannah wasn’t a bullshitter so on some level Lita knew all this had to be true; or, at least true to Savannah. Lita bit her lip and nodded almost imperceptibly, silently agreeing with her friend’s sentiment. There had been a small moment in time where she’d been rooting for Rodeo and Lita to work things out, but maybe it was better this way. Two stubborn and selfish (much as she loved Lita, Savannah could still see her friend’s flaws) people had a hard time setting their own egos aside and making the compromises that needed to be made to make a relationship work. Just look at how things had ended with Gray… Though it hadn’t always been such choppy water, in the end when it mattered most, they couldn’t see eye-to-eye. “It’s okay to not know what the hell is goin’ on. It’s knockin’ on close to a year for Gray’s death and I still feel like I’m drownin’ half the time. I’m not sayin’ that to scare you, but it ain’t ever easy. But you should know how I know you’re strong and that you’re not gonna let somethin’ like this defeat you. You’re not gonna run away and leave a wake of destruction. You’re better than that. And it might not be a comfort right now, because this shit hurts like hell, but it makes it easier to get up every day and know you’re still you no matter what bad shit happens to us.” Lita had known things between Savannah and Gray hadn’t been perfect, especially toward the end. She knew that some days were harder than others and that even though he’s been gone for some time now, Gray’s ghost still haunts these hallways. If Lita could do anything to put his specter to rest, to give Savannah some measure of peace and happiness, she would do it in a heartbeat but even she knew grief didn’t work that way. Lita hadn’t considered it, but maybe she was in mourning herself in a way; or, at least, she had been when she hadn’t known what happened to James when he had initially vanished. Now? She knew he was alive, what kind of man he was and where they stood. She hadn’t a chance to say goodbye but if Lita was being honest with herself, she’d said her goodbyes to that man a long time ago. It was time to move on and, maybe one day, Savannah would be able to move on from her ghosts, too. “It is a comfort,” Lita said, placing her hand on Savannah’s. She left it there for a moment before releasing it and, before she could lose her nerve, reached up and unhooked the clasp on her necklace. She opened Savannah’s hand and placed the pendant and chain in her friend’s palm. “...and so is this. Knowing you’ll hold on to it for me is more of a comfort than you know. I know you’ll take good care of it. You take such good care of me, after all.” Savannah closed her hand around the necklace then scooted to the edge of the couch until she could stand. It wasn’t as if she was going to wear the necklace, but she had just the place to store it until Lita no longer needed it out of her sight. Taking a few steps over to her desk, she pulled out a circular tin container. Popping the lid off, she lowered the necklace inside, and replaced the top. “It’ll be right here until you say so, alright?” Lita nodded. She didn’t know if she’d ever ask for the necklace back. For a while had been a talisman; something to keep him near when they were apart by natural circumstances or, more often than not, by his own design. Now, it seemed more like an anchor weighing her down, connecting her a past she was moving on from and to a man who was more dead than alive. Perhaps there would be a point when wearing it would feel normal but in the meanwhile she knew it would be safe and sound with Savannah. Watching her friend tuck the pendant away for her, Lita was reminded of something Savannah said earlier. She’d brushed over it selfishly to rid herself of the burden around her throat but she felt the significance of it keenly now. “You know if you ever feel like you’re drowning, I’m an excellent lifeguard,” Lita offered, her voice uncharacteristically gentle. Savannah had to know she would always be there for her but it didn’t hurt to reiterate it. “Lookin’ good in a bikini and bein’ a lifeguard ain’t the same thing, sweetheart,” Savannah teased with a gentle smile. After sitting back down on the couch, she reached out, giving Lita’s arm a pat. “I appreciate that, though. And I’m sure you’re the best damn lifeguard in the whole state of Texas. Dunno what I would’ve done without you this past year.” “I mean, the hot thing is pretty effortless for me,” Lita remarked matter-of-factly, earning a laugh from Savannah. “Being helpful, being there for someone...not so much. I do try, for you. It’s nice to know I wasn’t completely useless in that regard.” Lita patted Savannah’s hand affectionately. She wasn’t prone to sentimentality, or tenderness, but somehow it came easily with Savannah. “The opposite of completely useless,” Savannah reassured Lita, turning her hand over to give Lita’s a comforting squeeze. “So, I’ve gotten away from the hospital,” Lita said, somewhat reluctantly removing her hand from Savannah’s warm and comforting clasp. She picked tapped her pinky and, moving on to the ring finger, counted her accomplishments of the day. “I’ve unloaded the necklace. You told me I’m pretty. The only thing left is to get a little drunk. I mean, I feel like we deserve it. Tell me we’re gonna get a little drunk about this, right?” “Oh, honey,” Savannah said with a laugh that escaped her more like a sigh of relief. She could be there as Lita’s rock all day and night, “Yes we’re gettin’ drunk about this. I think you’ve more than earned it. The only question is, did you bring any of that UMCB special toilet wine or should I dig around in the vault for a jar of moonshine?” Savannah’s mention of moonshine inevitably made Lita think of all the times she had been promised the homebrewed hooch by him, along with so many other seemingly heartfelt oaths and assurances that had never come to pass. Lita knew she would be reminded of him from time to time; so much of Austin had been touched (some would say tainted) by him that there was no way to avoid his influence and, even if she could, Lita wasn’t sure she wanted to. Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat, or however the saying goes, and Lita was damn sure she wouldn’t make the same mistake of loving someone who couldn’t, or wouldn’t, love her back the way she deserved to be. “I think I’ve proven myself to be a superior multitasker,” Lita preened, reaching into her bag and drawing out the tried and true UMCB kitchen sink liquor. “What with the being hot and helpful at the same time. I say we do moonshine and wine. “Pretty and smart,” Savannah said, her grin going wide at the sight of the toilet hooch. She pushed herself off the couch and took the few steps over to her desk and opened the bottom drawer of her file cabinet to extract a mason jar of Bishop’s famous moonshine. Back at the couch she unscrewed the jar and held it out to Lita. There were a million cheesy toasts she could give about chicks before dicks and they didn’t need stupid men in their lives anyway, but instead she just smiled and said, “Here. You get the first drink, sweetheart.” Lita accepted the mason jar and took a healthy glug, relishing the way the fiery burn gave way to numbness and then blossomed into a warm, mellow glow. Lita held the jar out and looked at it. Yes, that boded quite well for her all things considered. It was sort of comforting to know that even though things had hurt at first and had given way to a deadened, anesthetized feeling, Lita could now see the light at the end of the tunnel. These were her first steps toward a better, happier self and it seemed fitting she was taking them here, at the LBJ with her closest friend in the entire world. “Cheers,” Lita said, lifting the moonshine in a toast to Savannah and, really, to herself too. She tipped the jar to her lips for the second of many times that evening, thinking that things were looking rosier already. |