and you would smile, and that would be enough Who: Bishop Coldiron and Bunny Dolan Where: Near the bonfire. What: Bishop and Bunny talk about Nate’s disappearance and Bunny’s living situation. When: May 3rd, 2019 - Late Afternoon(?)
There are moments that the words don’t reach There is suffering too terrible to name You hold your child as tight as you can And push away the unimaginable The moments when you’re in so deep
The blows just kept on coming it would seem. Bishop had barely had a month to adjust to one person missing from his life, when the whole show down with the cats had happened and in the scuffle his best friend, a man who’d been through hell and back with him, had up and gone missing. This wasn’t the first time in his life that Nate had turned into a ghost, actually, the Scotsman had been prone to heading off somewhere on a whim without much noticed. But this was different, they had found his truck and equipment, two things that pointed in the very same direction that Teagan’s disappearance and the discovery of her bike did -- Nate may not be coming back.
While it was blow Bishop hadn’t been expecting, the real ache and pain he felt was for Hazel. Nate’s fiancée, the woman who had risked her own life to track him own here in Austin, must be in worlds more pain than he was. Bishop ached, losing another person who felt like family was never easy, but Hazel had been expecting to spend the rest of her life with Nate. They’d been talking marriage and last he had heard had even started talking about starting a family. Hazel wasn’t just Nate’s fiancée in his eyes though, she was family and had been long before the Scotsman had ever entered either of their lives. She was the last remnants of Harlan he had left in Austin, her voice carrying the same Kentucky drawl his did, the only person that knew what it was like growing up in the Cumberland Mountain range, in a town with a population less than 2,000 people and knowing that everyone -- no matter what -- knew your business.
Their Kentucky roots, their history, that’s what had Bishop seeking Hazel out now. Checking in on her because he knew just what grief felt like. While the Chaplain hadn’t been entirely sure where he needed to start looking, the bonfire was always a good start. So with Jackson in his arms and Lincoln in a stroller, Bishop made his way from his trailer off towards the fire, spotting the blonde of Hazel’s blonde hair nearly the minute he entered the large gathering area in the center of camp.
“Hey, darlin’,” Bishop greeted her as he brought the stroller to a halt beside Hazel’s chair. “Mind if the boys and I keep you company for a bit?” He questioned while he dropped himself into the previously empty chair that sat beside hers. Bishop wanted to ask her how she was doing, wanting to make sure she knew he was there for her, but he would ease into those questions once he knew his company was wanted here.
In the worst days after the deaths of her brothers and sister-in-law, even when it felt as if she couldn't draw enough air into her lungs to breathe and the world swam like she was light-headed with sorrow, there had been this sixth sense inside Bunny that Nate was alive, somewhere. Eventually she'd followed the unwavering feeling of certainty all the way from Kentucky to Texas, trusting in it to reunite them again. And it had. When she reached for that connection to Nate in the days following his sudden disappearance, there was nothing. All her innate perception of him was completely gone, leaving her compass spinning, unable to find north. For someone who always felt grounded, this sensation of being untethered was both bewildering and frightening.
It was that inner silence that finally drove her out of the bus and to the bonfire. Over the past couple of days she’d left only when she had to, worried that she’d miss Nate’s homecoming if she stayed away too long. As the hours wore on, though, Bunny found herself craving company. One person's company in particular, but in his absence anyone would do. Her bright smile was a little dimmer than usual, but she reassured anyone who asked after her situation that she felt quite fine and expected Nate home any time. When they eyed her with pity or shook their heads, she pretended not to notice. She might not be able to sense that he was alive, Bunny reasoned, but neither could she sense that he was not. And she had enough faith to carry her the rest of the way.
When Bode found her sitting alone by the fire, however, her thoughts had wandered again. Her eyebrows knitted together as she waited for … something, but all that came was the prickle of a breeze across the back of her neck, auguring the arrival of company. As she looked up to see not only her oldest friend but his two sons as well, her expression cleared and she offered the trio a smile. It didn't quite reach her eyes, however, something she knew Bode’s own sharp gaze couldn't help but notice. Nor would he miss the darkened circles that betrayed how little sleep she'd gotten the night before.
“Of course you're welcome to sit,” Bunny replied. “But only if I can borrow a baby while you do.” She still knew instinctively which twin it was that Bode held in his arms, so that was something, at least. Not all of her knacks were silenced.
There wasn't even an ounce of hesitation in Bishop's voice as he replied. "He's all yours," he didn't specify which twin it was in his arms and which was in the stroller, because the fact was that Hazel seemed to know his boys almost better than he did. He wonder then if Teagan would have been the same way, if she would have been able to instinctively tell them apart. Was that something Bishop should be able to do as well? It got easier each day, especially know that their little personalities were showing through -- Jackson being the louder of the two boys, while Lincoln was far more content just observing life and letting his brother bear the stronger personality.
Questions of Nate, of how she was doing and I she needed anything lingered unsaid still. Bishop could wager he knew a little of how she was feeling, left without your partner, the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with -- how long or short it might have been. Instead he danced around that still, keeping his voice low as he spoke. "It's good to see you out here, Hazel," and it was. He had begun to worry if she might hole herself up in that bus she and Nate had called home forever, or at least until Nate returned. Which was looking less and less likely as the days progressed.
Hearing full well the friendly concern that laced Bode’s voice, Bunny gave him an affectionate smile that she soon transferred to Lincoln as she sat forward to take the little boy out of his stroller. The lines of worry on her face softened with the baby in her arms, and she settled back once more, cooing over him.
"I also swear these boys fancy you more than they do me," Bishop continued, smiling softly as the baby in his arms stirred, turning his little head, his gaze landing on Hazel as if he had been searching her out. "Can't say I would blame 'em though, I've yet to meet a soul who didn't think you might have actually hung the moon."
With a quiet laugh, Bunny shifted Lincoln to reach out and gently stroke Jackson’s head, mindful of his soft spot. Even though she saw Bode’s twins nearly every single day, it still surprised her sometimes to see how quickly they were growing aware and engaged with the world around them. “Oh, these are Daddy’s boys, through and through. They just know they’ve got me wrapped around their little fingers already.”
There was something magical in the way that babies could make every other care in the world seem diminished while you were with them, and for a moment nothing else mattered but Bode and the boys and the sunlight shining down on all four of them. If she could have held onto that feeling of serenity all day, Bunny would have, gladly, but Nate lurked in her thoughts, the way she expected he (and Teagan) lurked in Bode’s. They both missed him.
“Are you checking on me?” she asked gently. Looking up from the babies, Bunny searched Bode’s face, gauging just how well he looked to be holding up under not just one, but two missing people.
“I reckon they know they’ve got this whole place wrapped around those little fingers of theirs,” Bishop remarked with a quiet chuckle. “Still don’t change the fact that I think they’re real fond of you.” He stopped short of remarking that Hazel was the closest person that either boy had a to a mom now, but that didn’t change the fact that he thought it. Nobody would ever replace Teagan in their life, at least not in the sense that she protected them and brought them into this world, but Hazel might very well end up being the woman they viewed as ‘mom’ some day, if only because she had been there for them nearly every day since their birth mom had disappeared.
Then Bishop was smiling sheepishly, blue eyes not straying from Hazel’s as he replied. “Would you be real angry with me if I was?” There wasn't much point isn't trying to cover up the fact that he was in fact checking on her. “And if I didn't know any better I’d say you’re looking at me real intense like to see if you can spot how I'm doing as well.” Bishop’s sheepish smile morphed into a knowing one, hinting at the fact that he knew Hazel about as well as she knew him -- so neither’s concerned antics went without notice by the other.
“I wouldn’t be a bit angry,” Bunny answered honestly, with a slight shake of her head. “I appreciate everything you do for me, Bode. Surely you know that.” Knowing he was looking out for her was a comfort, more than anything. She’d spent enough time alone since leaving Harlan to know that the care of a friend was always preferable to having to stick it out through the bad times without any help. No matter what ended up happening -- and Bunny’s heart truly had no idea which way things might go -- they had each other to count on, and bit by bit this shadow over their days would start to drift away.
The smile that she returned to Bode was tinged with a little sadness, and she reached between them to grip his hand in hers. “And you caught me. I guess we’re both worried about each other, then, so I’ll just come right out and ask you instead of trying to guess. How are you doing?”
It was easier, somehow, to focus the subject on him rather than herself, though she expected to have the question turned back again before long. Maybe she’d have some better idea of how to answer it by then.
Looking out for Hazel came second nature, Bishop could admit he barely had to spare a thought in doing so. It was instinct, as it would be if any member of his family came waltzing into the camp. Still, he was relieved to find that she didn’t mind him checking in on her. He knew, maybe more than most, that the loss they both felt would take time to heal and he couldn’t say what tomorrow or the next month might hold, but regardless of the unknown, Bishop could say with absolute certainty that he wouldn't leave Hazel to face any of it alone.
He caught the sadness in her smile, but didn't comment on it. A part of him could only guess that that same sadness was reflected in his own, a veil laid over every action or word that he spoke. Which is why answering her question wasn’t easy. Bishop was a man who liked having the upper hand, who chose when how people saw between the lines of what made him, well, him. His reflex was to say he was fine so as not to pile more sadness or grief onto Hazel’s plate, but he knew even before that thought had fully formed that she would know he wasn’t. That her asking him was more an act of politeness than it was a true question.
“I think you already know how I’m doing, darlin’,” Bishop drawled as he changed the position of their hands so that he could give hers a squeeze. “I thought becoming a father would be scary enough, or hard enough, but now in the span of less than a month I’ve lost their mama and one of my oldest friends,” he paused and heaved a quiet sigh. “Much as I want to believe they’ll come walking through those gates any day now, Hazel, you know me, I've got this little logical voice saying they’re probably already gone…” Bishop trailed off and offered Hazel a sympathetic look. He hated voicing that last part, not because he couldn’t accept Nate being gone, but because he hated the idea that Hazel quite possibly just lost the man she had traveled so far for. “Shit, you don’t need me raining all over whatever hope you’ve got.”
“There isn't enough rain in the world to drown my hope, so don't you worry,” Bunny reassured him. Her heart was made of stronger stuff than that. Besides, what kind of friend would she be if she made Bode silence his own thoughts and feelings just to preserve hers? “It’s not logical, I know, but same as you can’t help but think they aren’t coming back, I can’t help but think they might.” Her eyes flickered away from Bode’s face, glancing in the direction of the Park’s gates, as if either Nate or Teagan could be walking up to them right now. The only figure heading their way from that direction, though, was easily recognized by his cut as one of the other patches.
He was envious of Hazel’s ability to hope against all odds, of the way she could believe that some day one or both of their lost loves would in fact stroll back through those gates. “Sometimes logic ain’t all it’s cracked up to be,” Bishop remarked with a shrug, as if to say there was no judgment coming from him over the fact that she held onto the hope of a return. “I'm glad nothing anyone will say ‘bout Nate coming back or not will dampen that hope you’ve got.” He added, including himself in that statement. While he wouldn’t try to say otherwises, he was relieved that the honesty he showed in his own thoughts wouldn’t have any effect on hers.
On her lap, Lincoln suddenly stirred, flailing an arm and making a soft noise of wonder at something only he could fathom. Bunny laughed, her momentary reverie shattered, and ducked her head to drop a kiss on the baby’s crown. “I can’t do much about the missing,” she said, looking back up at Bode again and returning the squeeze he’d given her hand earlier with one of her own. “That’s a loss that’s going to ache for a good while, for both of us. But when it comes to the boys, you’re not alone. You’ve got me, for one, but I bet there’s a whole passel of people in the camp who would be more than happy to take a turn minding them.”
“I ain't sure you ever fully stop missing a person,” Bishop began, his thoughts turned to Willa. Even after the years they had spent apart he hadn’t ever fully gotten over missing her, or missing what they had had. And now, well, now he knew that his heart would have a spot in it reserved for missing Teagan. “But I think you learn to live with the ache, and eventually the fond memories outweigh whatever pain their absence brings up.” At least that’s how he felt about it, and what he hoped selfishly would happen. Right now though, he was living in the ache and the missing and trying not to let either consume him. “You don’t know how relieved I am to have you here,” he started, a fond smile -- one reserved for those closest to him -- appeared as Bishop met Hazel’s gaze again. “And it ain’t just because you’re a real damn help with the boys, you are and I’m damn thankful for that. But you also ain’t wrong in that I’m not lacking for help in raising them. Call it selfish if you want, but having you here, it makes losing Nate easier. Hell it makes being so far away from everything familiar easier to bear also,” Bishop paused, a small chuckle escaping him. “Never thought I’d miss Harlan as much as I do, but between you and me, Austin will never compare to the mountains back home.”
“I was never going to leave,” Bunny murmured, nodding her agreement. Unlike Bode and countless others -- including some of her own brothers -- she’d never felt the itch to leave their small town. It held everything she’d ever wanted in the world, and if things had been different, she knew deep down in her bones that she would have lived out a happy, fulfilling life there. Some mornings she woke up, when the sun slanted through the windows of the bus just right, and it seemed for a moment like she was back in her parents’ home, about to hit the alarm before it went off and get ready for work. So, yes, she pined for Harlan, too. “And now I’m probably never going to go back. But in you I’ve got a little piece of home right here with me, and that’s priceless. We can make sure the boys know all about it when they’re old enough.”
“I’ve got the same in you,” Bishop agreed with a nod and a faint smile. “And I’m glad someone else will be able to help me make sure the boys know where their roots come from.” Bishop fell silent for a couple of minutes after that as Jackson stirred and he gently rocked the little boy back to sleep. “I know I asked you this already, but are you really sure you want to stay in the bus alone?” That first day when Nate had gone missing he had asked her a similar question, offering her space with him. At the time she had declined, but Bishop for his part wasn’t giving up on persuading her to take him up on his offer -- if only because he knew how isolating staying by yourself during a time like this could be. “Because you know my offer still stands.”
Bunny looked down, hit suddenly by a pang of heartache. Despite her best attempts to ignore the feeling and keep it hidden, it was lonely being one person in a home that was meant for two. She'd taken such joy in decorating the bus, picking out bright, cheerful colors, but everything seemed to have faded over the last few days. Bunny was starting to wonder whether she would fade too, given enough time.
The wind changed. It was subtle, but she noticed as it went from tickling the back of her neck to blowing at her side, like a soft nudge of encouragement. Bunny raised her head again, her mind made up. “I think staying with you for a while would be a good idea. Thank you, Bode.”
Bishop knew the kind of ache that came with living in a place that had once been shared by two people, a place that had been made a home. He knew how lonely it could be and how easy it was to allow that loneliness to paralyze you, Bishop had felt that heavy weight when Willa had packed up her things and left him years ago and he felt it now each time he found another item in his trailer that had once belonged to Teagan. While he knew he couldn’t protect Hazel from heartache, he could protect her from the loneliness of living in a home meant for two, even if it was merely moving her into his space. Neither could replace the person they had lost, but maybe they could aid each other in filling the void so they felt the hole that was left a little less acutely.
He made no attempt to hide the smile that appeared at her agreement to stay with him. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of him. Now at least Bishop wouldn’t worry about Hazel turning into a shadow of herself while she remained in a space that held so many memories of Nate and the future they had once mapped out for themselves. “I think it will be also, for both of us. So I should be thanking you as well.” Bishop gave her hand another squeeze, his version of a hug while they both held babies in their arms. “We’re going to get through this, Hazel.” He added, a certainty in his words that spoke of just how deeply he believed what he was saying.
Tears edged Bunny’s eyes, but she laughed in the face of them and returned Bode’s smile. She was half agony and half hope, and not entirely certain how she could hold both feelings inside her at once. In a way, it made sense, though. Finding Nate, after searching so long, had been the happiest moment of her life. If she had lost him now -- and she still wasn’t completely convinced she had -- it was only right that it should hurt just as deeply. But even though she had no sense inside her of whether her finacé was still alive, there was one thing Bunny knew for certain: with a friend like Bode at her side, there was no way she would not manage to see through to the other side of this sorrow.
“I know we will, Bode,” she replied, gripping her oldest friend’s hand. In a way, she already felt better than she had before he sat down with her, like her heart was lighter after their brief conversation. Maybe the reminder that she wasn’t alone happened to come at the right time, just when she needed it. Maybe the certainty in Bode’s voice was just that contagious. “Look at us -- we’ve both come so far from home, through so much. The fact we’re alive is a miracle. We’ll just keep taking it one day at a time, same as we always have, and that will be enough.”
It was a small comfortable, the fact that Bunny was staring down so much grief and still managed to keep the very essence of who she was, her positivity and hope practically radiating off her, even while he could see the tears that had threatened to fall moments before. It was encouraging, the fact that Hazel hadn’t turned into some shell of herself, or someone he didn’t recognize. “You never cease to amaze me, Hazel,” he remarked with a fond smile. “You’re right though, it’s a damn near miracle we’re both sitting here, we got here by taking things one day and a time and we’ll get through this the same way.” Jackson shifted in his arms, jerking awake and Bishop’s attention turned to his son, quietly soothing him before lifting his gaze back up to meet Hazel’s.
“If you’re ready to move today, I can get Sasha to watch the boys and come over and help you,” Bishop steered the conversation back towards the practical. “But if you need a day to gather things too, I ain’t going to rush you.”
Bode’s question had Bunny’s head turning to look in the direction of the bus, even though it wasn’t really visible from where they were sitting. Funny how a few days ago she had turned down the offer to come stay with Bode and the twins, unable to picture leaving her home for even a brief period, and now she was only too eager to get away from it for a while. Thinking about another night spent amongst the memories -- the start of Nate’s new book collection lining the shelf above the bed, his old flannel tossed across the back of a seat just where he left it, the mug he used for both coffee and moonshine sitting out on the table -- Bunny knew she didn’t need the extra time being offered. She’d always traveled light, anyway; there were only a few things from the bus she could imagine packing.
“Today, I think,” she said, with a decisive nod. “A little rushing might be good for me, get moving before my soul gets too weighted down. Do you think Sasha’s available now?”
Hazel doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t request a little bit more time in the place she had called home with Nate, and Bishop has to wonder if maybe she needed this more than he originally thought? A chance to slip away from the familiar and the memories for a while, let her heart heal some in a place that doesn’t hold a memory of Nate in each nook and cranny of the place. A part of him has wondered as well if it might not be a bad idea to search for a new trailer, a bigger one, along with one that doesn’t hold so many traces of Teagan and the time they shared together. He shakes his head, dislodging that thought for now, he can think about new homes another day. Today his focus is on Hazel and helping her to take steps towards healing, or managing her grief.
“Okay, good,” he replied, a pleased look flashing across his features. “Never hurts to take quick steps forward to avoid getting stuck,” Bishop knew all too well the ache and pain that came with losing someone and the future you thought you’d have with them, he had after all felt it twice in his life now. “Think he’s working with Noa today, so if anything we can just ask to borrow him for a few hours.” He was climbing up out of seat as he spoke, preparing to make the trek first over to Noa’s tattoo shop to wrangle a sitter and then they would make their way to Hazel’s.
“Don’t think it will take near that long,” Bunny replied, rising from her seat too. She shifted Lincoln in her arms as she did so, supporting that little neck while she brought him up to rest against her shoulder. “Not just to pack, anyway. So hopefully that will make it easier to borrow a little of Sasha’s time.”
Once Lincoln and then Jackson were safely stowed in the stroller, Bunny turned to Bode and nodded. She felt … not lighter, exactly. Not content either, really. (How could she be?) The right word was hard to find, but she thought the closest might be that she felt secure. Traveling into an uncertain future, even if she wasn't actually going anywhere this time, was strangely familiar ground. She knew how to do this. And she wasn't alone. Having Bode’s help made a world of difference.
“Alright, then.” Bunny offered a soft smile. “Let's go see.”