Nymphadora Tonks (birdwotcher) wrote in regulation, @ 2008-08-08 14:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | nymphadora tonks, rabbit tuor |
Who: Rabbit Tuor and Nymphadora Tonks
What: Thirsty Thursday! Featuring nicknames, sugar gliders, painkillers, Chinese food, brains, karma, religion, and lots and lots of alcohol.
Where: Tonks' flat in London
When: Thursday night, sometime after 7pm
Rating: PG-13 for language
Status: Closed // Complete
Every bottle of alcohol Tonks had in the flat was sitting on her coffee table, obscuring the view of the television - at least while she was sitting on the floor. Deciding that wouldn't do, she flicked her wand and watched the coffee table scoot to the side and turn ninety degrees, as if it were meant to be an attached bar to the couch. Only one bottle of whisky fell, but Tonks was close enough to catch it before it hit the ground. Unfortunately this threw her off balance to the point where she pitched head-first into the carpet, and no one was there to catch her.
If she was like this before they started drinking, she was dreading what she'd be like after.
With a frown, she carefully set the whisky back on the table, then hauled herself to her feet and brushed herself off. She'd only just gotten home from tucking Zee in, staying until her daughter was asleep, and she could still smell the scent of her hair. Every night, save the few where an emergency prevented her from being there, she curled up with her daughter and snuggled with her until Lila fell asleep. It was her favourite part of the day, other than the weekends, when Zee woke her up by jumping on her bed, and it was always difficult for her to leave. A few nights a week, when there was no paperwork to go over, assignments to memorise, or strategy to create for her teams' missions, she stayed curled up in bed with her daughter, not caring when she woke up the next morning still wearing jeans. It was the only time she got to spend with her during the week, unless Zee woke up early to have breakfast with her, and like hell she was going to waste it away.
Which was why she felt so damn guilty about tonight, even though she knew that if Rabbit weren't coming by, she'd be neck-deep in paperwork. The dragon case was a handful, and she still had witnesses to interview and things to do that might very well take weeks, but she needed a friend - a real friend - as much as she thought Rabbit might need one, too. Besides, drinking alone was one of the more pathetic things a person could do, and she wasn't about to turn herself into even more of a horrible cliché than she already was.
Moving into the kitchen to pull out the Chinese she'd picked up on her way back, she glanced at her watch, hoping Rabbit hadn't already come and gone.
The house was familiar now, and so was the area, so Rabbit’s apparation point was much closer than it had been the last time he had visited. But his hands were just as full, laden with booze and a small plastic bag from the pharmacy - muggle painkillers were better than wizarding potions, he found, for this sort of thing. And, besides that, but he was more likely to pick the right bottle of pills than a vial if he was drunk.
“Tonks?” Rabbit called from the door, knocking with the bottom of a plastic bottle. “I have gifts.”
Bounding to the door when she heard him, she pulled it open and flashed him a smile. "I like gifts."
Taking some of the load, she leaned forward to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Good to see you again, love. And do I even want to know what's in the bag?"
“Something to deal with hangovers before they even set in, since I think,” he peered into the living room and laughed a little. “Shit - we’re not even going to be functioning in a few hours, are we?”
“How have you been, kitten?” He asked, his smile quirking at her nickname, kissing her forehead before he headed into the flat. “Been worried about you.”
Her eyebrows shot up at the mention of dealing with a hangover before it even began. "Muggles have a cure for hangovers? And what d'you mean, a few hours?" she added with a grin.
Tonks smiled, and then followed him into the flat, closing the door behind her and casting a few locking spells. The last thing she wanted was her mother barging in. "Been better, but it seems you've seen better days, too. I've been worried about you as well." She set the bottles down on the counter, and as she did so, closed her eyes and morphed the cat tail back, it pushing out from her tail bone and flicking out behind her. "No one's ever nicknamed me after an animal before. Do I get to nickname you now?"
“If you can find something suiting,” he answered, heading over to the makeshift bar and rummaged through the bottles before pouring five into a glass, mixing the drink with a straw and handing it to Tonks. It was almost frighteningly bright green, and looked more like poison than a cocktail. “Try it,” he instructed, once the Midori Sour was in her hand. “I promise it’s good.”
“And you, miss, are not allowed to worry about me. As a guy, it’s my duty to take care of you, not the other way around. Ask my boyfriend who’s Tarzan.”
"Dunno. Can't get much better than Rabbit. Can I call you Ears?" Her eyes widened at the strange drink. "So the truth finally comes out," she said with a laugh. "You're trying to poison me." Still, she took a sip, expecting it to be awful. She blanched before she tasted it, then paused. It wasn't half-bad. Taking another sip, she thought about it. "You're right - besides the fact that it looks like a potion, it takes pretty good."
Without warning, a high-pitched chittering started from somewhere above them, and suddenly a tiny furball launched itself directly at Rabbit. Landing in his hair, the sugar glider continued to squeak angrily, tugging (albeit without much force at all) at Rabbit's hair.
"Jinx!" scolded Tonks, wand ready in case Rabbit accidentally flung him off. "Get off of him, now!"
Rabbit almost had a heart attack, and his field training showed in his response. In less than a few seconds, he had flung the creature from his head, freezing it midair so that it was staring at him wild-eyed about three inches from his face.
“Holy fuck,” he muttered, wrinkling his nose and taking it by the tail so he could hand the still-paralyzed animal to Tonks. “You got a devil for a pet?”
Tonks was shocked at Rabbit's reaction, though as an Unspeakable, he would have had that sort of training, wouldn't he? Gently taking the frozen sugar glider from him, she gave Jinx a scratch on the top of his head. "You poor thing," she murmured, giving him a kiss. "What did I say about attacking innocent men?"
She grinned at Rabbit. "Sorry," she said sheepishly. "I forgot to put him in his habitat. Rabbit, this is Jinx. Jinx, this is Rabbit. He's a friend." She said the word with significance, as if this were some sort of command. "He doesn't like other males. Thinks I'm his mate."
“Boy needs to chill with the jealousy, yeah?” He said slowly, coasting his hand through the air, giving a perfect imitation of a California surfer-type.
Rabbit smiled and poured himself some whiskey, his eyes narrowed slightly and fixed on the sugar glider. “He’s cute, once you get over the penchant for bloodshed and scalping,” he snorted lightly and ran his hand over his head, his hair nearly half an inch long now There were small cuts there, but nothing that really bothered him. It did itch a little though.
“Put the bugger in his habitat, or I’ll turn his paws into marshmallows,” he teased.
"You okay?" said Tonks, frowning. "He didn't manage to hurt you, did he? We have a code word - he's trained to go for the jugular if I say it. You laugh, but he's a trained killer." With a wave of her wand, she unfroze Jinx, who once again tried to launch himself at Rabbit. Tonks caught him before he managed to get airborne, cuddling him to her chest.
"Hey, enough of that," she chastised, carrying Jinx over to his habitat. "You behave yourself, yeah? No more trying to murder my friends. We've talked about this." Sliding him inside, she ran a finger down his back once, then closed the door. Turning to Rabbit, she gave him an apologetic look. "He's a little overprotective of me, I'm sorry."
“It’s fine,” he answered with a wave of his hand, taking another sip of the whisky. “I’d be the same way if I was in his position, and you’d be a lovely mate to have, Tonks.” Rabbit grinned and winked dramatically at her.
Wishing she would sit down so he could, he finally gave in and moved to the couch, but only after topping off his glass again. “Next time, we can bring our dramas to my house. And our liquor - this stash makes us both look like a pair of lushes.”
She snorted, wishing she had something to throw at him. Following him, she flopped down on the couch as well, only just preventing her drink from sloshing over. Brilliant. "Next time, your place," she agreed firmly. "You say it makes us look like lushes, I say it makes us look very lucky. Not all are fortune enough to have this sort of stash, y'know."
Taking another sip, she sighed. "Okay, you first. What's your drama?" His problems made hers look like nothing, and she wasn't about to monopolize the evening by spending it all talking about herself. And the dangers of mixing her with alcohol involved non-stop chatter.
“Just - Gatsby, of course,” he started, and while he really didn’t want to talk about it, because it was still a raw wound, he had dragged her into that and felt that it was only right to bring it to light in case she had questions. He wanted Tonks to know it was alright to ask, even though he had been so vague before. But that was just the tip of it. “Mainly my little sister and my friend. Buttercup has been - just really emotional lately,” he downed half the whisky with a shudder and cough. “I can’t make her feel better, and I don’t know how to. But… I’m looking for a flat for us - she needs to get out on her own, but not on her own, if you know what I mean? So there’s that.”
“And my friend, Seren - I screwed up things with her. I was a dick,” he admitted. “I mean a real asshole… and she’s the grudge-holding sort. So I dunno what’s going to happen there.”
Tonks looked down into her drink for a long moment, wondering if it was appropriate to ask after Gatsby. Finally deciding he wouldn't have brought it up if he wasn't at least open to talking about him, she said hesitantly, "You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but - how's he doing? And how's your family holding up?" Clearly Buttercup wasn't doing so well though. "Maybe feeling better isn't really what she needs. Maybe...maybe it helps her to feel miserable. You've all got the right. Is she the optimistic sort? How did she handle the first round of cancer?"
Tonks hesitated at the mention of Seren. "No offence, but I'm not a fan. Does she know about your brother? Because right now, you've got one hell of a reason to be an asshole. And anyone who holds a grudge over awkward moments between friends..." She shook her head. "I'm sorry. What happened?"
“I can be an asshole to my friends because my brother’s ill?” Rabbit asked, raising in eyebrow dubiously. It wasn’t right, and he knew it. He was stressed, over that and other things - his sister, the wedding, the murders in his department… the list went on and on, but it didn’t give him an excuse to lash out at people who didn’t deserve it. He did anyway, but it wasn’t right. “Tonks, that’s not very good logic. He’s not being an asshole, and he’s dealing with a fuckload more than I am, yknow?”
“And she knows… well, she knows now. After it was too late, I guess. I had to see if,” he stuttered slightly and took a breath, and then a large sip of his drink, wishing he could smoke but not willing to ruin her air with his vices. “Well, I thought maybe we might have something that muggles don’t. She’s a brilliant healer, probably one of the best, and I’d trust her with my life.” He paused and added seriously, “I’m trusting her with his, which probably means more.”
But how was he. Well, that was relative, wasn’t it. “He’s doing as well as could be expected, I guess. Which means he feels like shit most of the time - and he’s got this infection now… it’s nothing serious,” he assured her quickly, “but I saw him two days ago… and when I saw him today - it was like two different people. He couldn’t sit up, even.” Rabbit bowed his head as he spoke, but it was easier to talk about than he thought it would be. “He needed an oxygen mask, and all he wanted to do was to hold someone’s hand for as long as he was awake which wasn’t very long. But,” he forced a smile and looked up at her, “They said it should be under control soon. And he has his first biopsy this Friday, so we’re waiting to see if the chemo made a difference. So, I’m hoping…” he shrugged and took another sip, he would have to refill his glass soon. “We’re all hoping. But it’s hard on everyone - especially Buttercup, they’re close.”
"I'm not saying you deserve to be an asshole," said Tonks with a shrug. "Or that you shouldn't apologise to her for it. But I am saying that she should be more understanding. People don't act like themselves when they're under massive amounts of stress. It's understandable. Not an excuse," she reiterated, "but understandable."
Tonks nodded, reaching out to squeeze his hand. "I hope she finds something." There had to be something to help, right? It was magic, after all - they had to have cancer beat. Or at least have something that could make it better. Or make him comfortable if it was inevitable. "When d'you think she'll have some answers? And is she the sort to take this seriously? Does she have any sympathy for Muggles?"
Her heart felt like it'd dropped to her stomach at the mention of an infection, and she felt herself pale. An oxygen mask - that was bad, wasn't it? "Does he...can he have visitors?" She was almost too scared to ask. "Outside of family, I mean." Would he want to wait to see her until he was better though? She pressed her lips together and nodded. "I can't imagine how your family is managing to cope, I really can't. How you're managing." But Gatsby being in good spirits apparently helped. "Maybe there'll be a magical treatment that can help. And if there's anything I could possibly do or get for you or Gatsby that might help, all you have to do is let me know, okay?"
“Tonks,” he smiled at her, knowing she meant well, but finding it too overwhelming. It was difficult to see his brother as sick, even though he knew he was. It took seeing other people on the ward to remind him, and the offers to help from friends and family to assure him that he wasn’t well at all. Knowing something and understanding it were often two different things. “You can see him whenever you want, if he says it‘s alright,” and he could understand why Gatsby would try to hide himself for the time being if he told her that it wasn’t the time. “But don’t act like he’s dying. He’s not, okay?” He leaned forward and kissed the top of her head, his arm wrapped around her shoulders still when he pulled away. “Yeah?”
“I shouldn’t have dragged you into this,” he said again with a frown, looking at her apologetically.
"Yeah, whenever he's comfortable with it." Again she bit her lip, then sighed. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to panic about it. Just - for your sake, yeah? And for your family's. I'm sure he'll be all right though, I mean that. I don't think he's dying." She refused to even entertain the thought anymore, not for her own sake, but for Rabbit's and Gatsby's. "He seems really strong and determined, from what you've told me and from the bit I got talking to him - but it still has to be hard on you. And you don't always have to be so brave," she added with a small, forced smile. "It's okay to be scared, too."
Snuggling up against him, she sighed. "You're not allowed to say that anymore," she grumbled. "If I didn't want to be part of this, I wouldn't be. But Gatsby really seems like he's worth it, and like you said - he's not going to die. At least not for a good century or so.
"What are you going to do about Seren?" she added curiously. "Any plans there?"
Rabbit smiled at her, his fingers playing idly over the top of her arm, quite for a long, long while. She was much easier to talk to than he had ever thought possible, and while she was curious, she didn’t press. It was comforting. She probably didn’t even realize all the good he was doing for him just by being there and letting him ramble. Or that he wasn’t being brave right now, that he was being too cowardly to face the truth in conversation, to talk about what was probably going to happen, and what lay ahead of them. He only covered it up with optimism because it made it easier to deal with.
“Seren’s… she wants me to leave her alone.” He shrugged one shoulder and added, “I don’t really have the energy right now to fight her on it.”
“But I came here for you,” Rabbit added pointedly. “And I did my fair share of spilling, but your problems are far more important than mine, and I don’t want to keep them bottled up in your brilliant head. So spill.”
It'd been ages since she'd had a friend she really felt she could talk to. As unexpected as the ease of their conversation was for Rabbit, it was also unexpected for her as well. Lately she'd managed to drive almost everyone she cared for away, and it was starting to get awfully lonely. Tonks had never done very well with lonely, but Rabbit made things easier. He was more of a friend in less than a month's time than some people had been toward her for the past decade.
"Maybe it's a good idea then," she murmured, pausing to finish her drink. It burned on the way down, but it was still good. Mutely she Summoned the nearest bottle, refilling her glass and silently offering to refill Rabbit's as well. "Take a point of stress out of your life, at least for now. And once you've both had time to cool down and deal with things...maybe she'll be more forgiving then."
Rolling her eyes good-naturedly, she curled even closer to him. He was like one warm, giant, Rabbit-shaped pillow. "My problems are ridiculously tiny and insignificant compared to yours," she countered. "I mean that. Don't expect some great life-or-death tale of love and tragedy and fate or something. Really. And my head isn't brilliant," she added with a wry smile.
That quickly fell, however, after she considered things for a moment. "I already told you it was about Zee's dad, right? I had drinks with him a week ago - we're mates, or at least I think we are, or were, or what have you - and I get chatty when I drink. Apologising for that right now," she added, taking another drink from her glass before continuing. "We talked a bit, and things were going well, and then I stupidly blurted out that I wanted to give it another try. We've been on and off since a year after my husband died," she added. "Not so much on for the past four and a half years or so, but still. I'm really close to his family, and...it's hard. It's really hard, seeing his mum and talking to her and knowing that she has a granddaughter she could be spoiling rotten, but I'm too scared or - or selfish or - or I don't know to tell him. But I think he knows," she blabbed on. "I really do. I mean, if you had sex with someone - female, I mean - and found out they were four months pregnant four months later, you'd wonder, yeah? And ask, maybe? He knows how much of a wreck I am emotionally. He knows how hard it is for me to find someone I really like, or at least like enough to sleep with, and he knew I wasn't seeing anyone at the time. He's the only possibility, he knew it, and he never asked. Not once.
"And when I stupidly asked if we could get back together, he said no, of course. Said he wanted to give it time, spend time with each other and all that rot." She rolled her eyes. "Apparently I'm good enough to shag silly for five years, but I'm not good enough to have a real relationship with. Figures, right?"
“That’s ridiculous,” he chided, looking down at her seriously. “If I ever wanted a relationship with a woman, you would be my first pick. And I mean it,” Rabbit took another long sip of the whisky, the burn not so apparent on his second glass. He smiled at her and added, encouragingly, “You’re lovely.”
“But,” he added slowly, not sure if it was his place to say. Then again, Tonks didn’t really seem to believe in places. “I really think you should tell him. He deserves to know – he is her dad, even if he won’t be your boyfriend. If I had a daughter, and no one ever let me know, ever even gave me the opportunity to be a part of her life, I don’t know what I would do. But it wouldn’t be pretty.”
She smiled up at him adoringly. "Aw, Rabbit. You're sweet." She leaned up to give him another kiss on the cheek. "And if I ever wanted a relationship with a bloke with a boyfriend, you'd be my first pick, too."
Her smile faded into a frown. "Yeah, I know it's the right thing to do," she mumbled. "But I can't fathom that he doesn't know, Rabbit, I really, really can't. I mean, he's met her. Clearly she can hide her hair, but - he's never shown a massive interest in her at all. When she was in the hospital, I asked him to come by two or three times, and he said maybe, but never came. It's always maybe with him, and he just doesn't follow through. I don't want Zee caught up in that pattern, y'know? Him promising to come take her out for ice cream one weekend, but putting it off until Sunday evening or owling to tell her sorry, work got busy." She shook her head. "I see my daughter every single day, even if it means having Kingsley angry with me. There's nothing in my life that's more important than her, but her father - I don't know if he's capable of loving something more than his job and his immediate family. The one he knows about," she added.
Swallowing tightly, she looked at him and said, "D'you promise not to say anything to anyone? I mean, not grade-school promising, but the sort of confidential you see stamped in red on files. Because maybe if you know who he is, you'll understand why I'm so scared about Zee getting involved with him. His job's dangerous, and his lifestyle..." She shook her head. "It wouldn't work having a three-year-old. I do my best, but he would struggle. And maybe he can change, but balancing a child with the job he has..."
"It's my job to keep secrets, I like to think I'm good at it," he pointed out, at once curious and wary of what she would tell him. Did he know the man? Like him? Was he a dark wizard who could be dangerous to Zee - would everything he said about telling him only hurt her in ways he couldn't imagine? Was he going to have to kick someone's ass to the ground?
"You can tell me anything," he said seriously, turning on an angle so he could see her face more clearly, his brown eyes serious and unusually dark.
Tonks hesitated, took a deep breath, then focused on Rabbit warily. "Charlie Weasley," she admitted. "No other possibilities. Before him, the last person I'd been with was my husband. But Charlie...we lived together for a little while after we got together. I don't think I can really describe how much I was leaning on him just to remember how to put one foot in front of the other. I sucked it up during the war, but once it was over, I crumbled, and...well, I loved him. Still do. He was the only person who could make me happy during that period of my life, and then he just..." She pressed her lips together. "We disagreed about his job. His boss was a Dark Wizard, and he insisted on staying. I wasn't okay with it - scared to death he'd get himself killed - but I didn't want him out of my life because of it. And one day, he just decided to pack his things and leave. He chose his job over me, even though I never asked him to make that choice. I'd never ask anyone to make that choice.
"We were on and off for the next five years or so. We'd get together ever now and then, date a bit or just shag - whatever it happened to be. Never gave it an honest try though, because he didn't want to." She frowned. "I guess you could call it a one-night-stand, but after that, I found out I was pregnant, and I just - I cried like you wouldn't believe. Not because I was upset about having a baby," she added. "I really loved her instantly. But because I was afraid of what Charlie would do, what he'd say and all. If he'd ask me to get an abortion, or if he'd even want anything to do with it. With her. I was going to tell him when I told him I was pregnant. I thought it was assumed. I mean, he knows I was only with him. But he didn't ask. He just acted like it wasn't even a question, and at first I thought it was a good thing - that he assumed it was his - but then I realised he didn't. Or at least that was the role he was playing. He was in a bad place then, I think, emotionally and the like - he went through a lot of shite during the war, and he was still...and I realised that maybe he did know, and he was protecting himself. Or the baby. So I decided to wait for him to ask or for Zee to ask. And that's where I am right now."
“Charlie Weasley – he’s a decent bloke, from all I’ve heard. Even with the department bias, and that’s a pretty large bias. But – I haven’t heard anything but good things about him.” And merlin, Zee was at the age where she knew who her parents were, maybe even at the point where she could realize that she didn’t have a dad like everyone else.
“Love,” he said quietly, reaching over to tuck a piece of hair behind Tonks’ ear. It was odd, because he knew she was older, but she looked so much younger than he did that it was easy to forget that sometimes, and it was easy to play big brother. “Do you really want her to think that her dad abandoned her? Because… she might. She might never ask because she’ll just assume that he doesn’t want to be with her. And what if he does?”
“Do you really want to look back and have to wonder what-if?” Rabbit asked gently.
Tonks thought about it for a long moment. The likelihood of Charlie not knowing... "He has to know," she said, her tone a bit more helpless than she'd have liked. "He never asked who the father was, and he doesn't see her often, even with ample opportunity - and the way he reacted last week...when I tried to talk to him about her, about some of the problems I've been having, he just shut down. He didn't even want to discuss her. He avoids talking about her or seeing her, and - why else would someone do that? I really think he knows, Rabbit. I mean, yes, there's a chance he doesn't, and I've been going back and forth about that for ages, but he knew there was no one else. He wasn't in a good place then - neither of us were, really, and I had Zee to help me fix that, but Charlie...he's had to deal with a lot of shite, during the war and after. He has to know, and if he's choosing to stay away, for whatever reasons, then I shouldn't drag him into it or make him more uncomfortable than he must already be. He's a single bloke who hasn't had a real relationship in just about forever, and he compared raising a child to training a dog. A dog, Rabbit. He compared my kid to a puppy he's in the process of training right now.
"And whether or not he wants her...he can step up. He can ask. I'm not going to deny him the right to see her or spend time with her, but if he doesn't want it, I'm not going to force it on him, either. He knows me well enough to know that. I've been desperate for help - I would love for him to be in Zee's life, I really would. I want Zee to be happy more than anything. But if he's in her life, he needs to be in her life, not just...you know. There every other weekend. It doesn't work that way. And that's what I'm afraid of, more so than Zee thinking her father abandoned her. I'm afraid that her father will abandon her, and she'll be crushed. That's not the sort of emotional scarring you can just get over, y'know?"
She sighed. "His job is dangerous as well. There was a credible threat against his life last month, and it was bad enough that I was assigned his protection. Charlie, of course, made it his mission to make my life miserable, even though he insisted he'd only agree if I were assigned to him. But regardless - his job is dangerous, and so is mine. Zee's well-protected as it stands, but it would make her a target if he openly acknowledged her. And even if he did spend time with her, he can't take her out in public. My parents can't either, not unless I'm with her. At least not to Muggle places - you've seen what she can do."
Tonks bit her lip. "I'm sorry, I'm rambling. But that's what I'm concerned about most - Zee's happiness and safety. I would rather she be a little unhappy and uncertain about her parentage, though I'll certainly never lie to her, than miserable because her father walked out of her life when he decided his was more important."
“He can’t know for sure, no matter what you think. You know,” Rabbit insisted.
“You’re doing the same thing I did with Seren,” he said pointedly. “You’re not asking so that you don’t have to know, because there’s a possibility that what he tells you is something you won’t want to hear. But there’s also a possibility that things could go well.”
“And I could be wrong, but,” he fixed his gaze on her, looking for a reaction, a hint, something. “I think you want to tell him. You’re just afraid – and that’s understandable.”
“If he walks out – Tonks, people get through that. She’d be alright, and at least she would know. She might hate him, but she’ll know.”
Tonks sat very still, holding his gaze. She considered what he was saying for a long moment, then finally finished off her drink and sighed. "Don't know if I want him to know. It's like playing Russian roulette with my daughter's happiness, and I don't want to do that. And I also have to look at any potential selfish reasons behind my choice. If he knows, he'll be tied to Zee and me for the rest of her life, though it's unlikely he'll ever really get rid of me anyhow. His family's like my family - is family, actually, but that's beside the point and a little incestuous.
"It's all a mad balancing act, isn't it?" she said with a frown. "I have to make this decision that'll affect the rest of Zee's life, either for the good or the bad, and I've no idea which way it'll go. And then we go back to the possibility - the very likely possibility - that he already knows. If he thought differently, I think he'd have been angry at me for cheating on him. Which I didn't," she added. "But it's never come up either way. And there's just no chance he doesn't at least heavily suspect, unless he really is an idiot. I do think he's purposely avoiding it, and if I make him feel like he has to be part of her life, then what? How is that good for Zee or Charlie?"
She rested her head against his shoulder and Summoned another bottle, pouring herself a drink and offering the same to Rabbit. "Besides," she mumbled, "what if he tries to take her away from me? I'm not exactly Mum of the Year, y'know."
“What?” He asked, surprised that she would even think that was a possibility.
“Tonks,” he turned a little and lifted her chin with his fingers, just enough so she would be forced to look at him, his other arm wrapped around her protectively. “That is not going to happen. I’ve seen Zee, and I’ve seen how she looks at you, how you look at her – you’re a brilliant mother, and that little girl couldn’t ask for better, because no one better exists. You do everything you can to keep her safe, make her happy, and she’s luckier than she’ll probably ever realize.”
“If he walks away, then he’s the biggest fool I’ll ever know. And the biggest coward. But it won’t say a damn thing about you as a parent, because you’ve done really well – better than most people could.”
Tonks frowned. "You're sweet, Rabbit, you really are, but I'm not a very good mum. I spend the weekends with her, yeah, but during the week, I barely get to see her. It isn't my choice," she added. "I've done everything I can to scale back my hours so I get to see her in the morning and be home in time to tuck her in at night, and like I said, I spend my lunch breaks with her when I can, but it's not enough. Even my mum thinks I'm doing a bad job, and that Zee's only saving grace is that she's having a hand in raising her, too. She thinks I'd be rotten on my own, and I can't disagree with her. And no matter how hard I try or what I do, until I retire, that's going to be what it is. She can come to work with me on some days when I know for sure I'm not going to be sent out on assignment, but even that's not enough.
"Charlie's in the same boat," she added a bit bitterly. "He's got a lot on his plate, and his job matters more to him than mine does to me, I think. But still, he has a case for custody if he were to take it to court. And if that happened, I'd quit or scale back to part time and rely on my parents for financial help," she added. "I'd rather do that than lose her. But he thinks I'm a bad mum, too. I asked him, and he didn't answer, not really - just said that no matter what, Zee would turn out to be all right."
That right there was it, wasn't it? Her biggest fear about the whole thing - that Charlie, who could barely stand to have a drink with her, would try to take her daughter away from her. "He'll be angry," she said softly. "And I don't think he'll forgive me for this, even if he does know. He'll use it as an excuse to end things completely, even our friendship, and I'm afraid he'll try to take Zee, too."
Rabbit bit his lip, not sure what to say or do that could make her feel better. He didn’t have children, and her situation wasn’t something he could truly understand no matter how empathetic he was, but he wanted to help.
“So what can I do?” he asked her, hoping that she wouldn’t see it as charity, but as an offer of support between friends. “Do you need money so that you don’t have to work so much? Or someone to sit for her during the day so that she can live here more permanently? Anything at all.”
Despite her melancholy mood, Tonks managed a smile and snaked her arm around his waist, hugging him tightly. "You're brilliant, Rabbit, you really are. Thank you for your offers, really - if I ever need anything, you'll be the first to know, I promise. I wish--" She frowned. "I wish it were easier. I wish we'd stayed together, and that Zee didn't have to go through any of this. Our parents would've pressured us both to get married if...well, you know. Zee's life would've been very different. But I don't think Charlie's the family man type. And I can't tell you how scared I was after I found out, about telling him and all, so that was never going to happen anyhow."
Tonks stretched her legs a bit. "Did I tell you - no, of course I didn't tell you. Dunno why I said that. But I got pregnant on my wedding night." She stared directly at the bottles of alcohol. "When I told my husband...you have to understand, it was in the middle of the war, and he was terrified. So was I, for that matter, but I figured if we stuck together, we'd be fine. But he sort of detached. Not in a bad way, and I understand his fear - he was afraid his lycanthropy would pass on, and he was afraid of putting me and the baby in danger." She was silent for a moment, then added, "I miscarried, as I'm sure you've figured out. And I think he was relieved. Not in a 'thank Merlin' sort of way, but thinking that it was for the best for the baby. And I think on some level that set the basis for my fears about telling Charlie about Zee." Tonks frowned. "Does that even make sense? I can't tell right now."
Rabbit swallowed and looked at Tonks with more compassion that most eyes were capable of conveying. “I’m sorry,” he said after a long while, not sure what else to say. He pulled her into a tight hug, his arms wrapping around her small frame fully.
After a few moments where he neither moved nor said anything, Rabbit reached for the bottle and filled her glass nearly to the brim before doing the same with his own. “You really do need a drink, don’t you?”
Tonks hugged him back, burying her face in the crook of his neck. "Don't be sorry," she said, her voice muffled. "Was a long time ago, and maybe he was right - maybe, in the scheme of things, it was for the best. Having a baby in the middle of the war would've been... Everything happens for a reason, yeah?" The very, very, very last thing she wanted was anyone's pity, and she realised that maybe he'd taken her story to mean that she wanted him to feel sorry for her. She mentally shuddered at the thought.
She groaned. "You really are trying to get me drunk, aren't you?" There was a hint of teasing in her voice, and she certainly didn't object to the alcohol he poured into her glass. She took a careful sip so it wouldn't slosh over the sides, then looked at him again. "Y'know, life's really rotten sometimes. That, I think, is why God invented alcohol."
"There's a reason Jesus drank before he was due to be executed," Rabbit teased with a laugh, hoping that she wasn't some sort of bible thumping nutjob. He didn't think so, but there was always the possibility.
"So," he said with a grin, trying to lighten the mood. "Are you drunk enough to show me what you look like yet?"
Tonks gave him a blank look. "He was executed? What about all that cross nonsense?" She shook her head. "I don't understand Christianity. Or Muggle religion much at all. My dad's Protestant, or at least his family is. You'd like my dad," she added. "You two would get along brilliantly, I think."
Sighing dramatically, she shifted so she was facing him completely, then took another drink so her glass was only half-full. "Okay, okay, you win. I'm telling you, it's nothing spectacular." Closing her eyes, Tonks breathed in deeply, then slowly exhaled. As she did so, her morph dropped, leaving her real self exposed. Hardly anything fantastic, but since he was nice enough to bring alcohol, there was no harm in showing him. Opening her eyes, she eyed him closely, trying to gauge his reaction.
"He was executed on the cross. My mum's Catholic, so I've heard all the stories," he added, tilting his head as her face changed. "But I was raised Buddhist."
When she was finished morphing - he liked the sound of that - Rabbit moved back a little, holding her at arms-length to study her. She was older looking, that was the first thing he noted, but in a gracefully-aged way, a way that suited her more than the face he was used to did. On the whole, she looked a lot like she normally did, but less perfected. Now there was a crook in her mouth that wasn't there before, but her eyes were also warmer, the tiny laugh lines around them adding personality. He thought, smiling as he took her in, that she was absolutely classic looking.
"You're mad, Tonks," he told her seriously. "You're beautiful."
"Buddhist?" said Tonks, fascinated. "What's the difference between that and Christianity?"
She felt her cheeks colour at his compliment, and she gave him a pleased little smile. "You're sweet. I'm not that pretty though, not compared to what I can look like." She tucked a strand of mousy brown hair behind her ear self-consciously. "Makes me feel exposed a bit. But I went around like this for a year during the war, right at the beginning of it, when Remus was with the werewolves. That was uncomfortable." Then she grinned. "It's fun to play with though - the morphing thing, I mean. I help with training and stuff at work, and when there's a new crop, if I'm not on assignment, I join them and help out the instructors with the whole 'expected the unexpected, not everyone is who they appear to be' demonstration. Usually I can get about three-quarters stunned before they realise who's doing it. Usually they take the instructor out first."
“Maybe not as pretty,” he agreed. “But that’s a shallow word. You’re much more beautiful this way - because it’s who you really are.”
Rabbit smiled and finally lifted his hands off her shoulders so he could go back to drinking his whisky. “Buddhism doesn’t have a god, or angels, beasts, demons - all the other things most religions are centered around. It’s about you as a person, accepting life as it is, being the best person you can be, and being at peace with all of it. A lot of people think it’s a lot of hippie bullshit, but I dunno,” he shrugged. “I’ve looked into a lot of religions and philosophies, and it’s the only thing that makes sense to me.”
“There’s the Four Noble Truths - the life can suck, the suffering is due to a desire for pleasure, that there’s a way to get rid of that suffering, and that the way to do that is to follow the Eightfold Path.” He grinned, “We like numbers.” He looked at her for a moment before drinking again, finding it odd to talk about the religion that he no longer followed as far as most people were concerned, and as far as he was concerned. “So those eight things, to make you a more peaceful person, are steps to become ‘enlightened’,” he made air quotes. “And they’re all basic - instructions for not harming yourself or anyone else. And just in case you don’t know how not to harm yourself or others, there’s the Five Precepts to explain that to you.”
“We’re not supposed to drink either,” he said with a sly grin. “That’s precept number five.”
Tonks flashed him a wry half-smile, though she didn't know what to say in return. It'd been a very long time since anyone had called her - the real her - beautiful. "Thank you," she managed, still embarrassed.
She listened, fascinated, as he explained the religion. It didn't sound like a bad concept to her, not at all - be at peace? If only it were that easy. "I don't think it's hippie bullshit," she said, a strong note of interest in her voice. "I think it makes sense, and there's nothing wrong with being happy and at peace, or at least trying to be. Do all of you still follow it?"
Laughing, she took another drink while he explained. It tasted like water now. "That is a lot of numbers. How d'you remember it all, eh? And is that the one with karma? What's your favourite part of it?" she added. "I mean, the part that really caught your interest. Did it, when you were a kid?" She rolled her eyes good-naturedly when he mentioned the drinking bit. "I don't see how happiness and peace can be achieved without a bit of drinking every now and then."
“Gatsby does, completely, and Atticus is better than the rest of us, but me and Coop aren’t good with it at all. It’s not the sort of thing you can shake though, and I think we’re better at it - even with the drinking and the drugs and all - than we’d let on.”
He smiled at her, “We’re the nutters with karma, yeah. And Reincarnation - but that’s with a lot of religions, really. That’s what struck me most as a kid - I thought it was brilliant that I could have been a rock or a tree or a dog. I always wanted to be a dog, you know,” Rabbit laughed a little before adding seriously, “My patronus is a dog - a golden retriever, so maybe I was one not too long ago.”
“Purebloods don’t have much faith, do they?”
Tonks' eyes widened pitifully, as if he'd just delivered some very bad news. "Gatsby doesn't drink?" Though her expression did fade into one with less of a puppy-dog-look to it. "Drinking and drugs are bad," she said firmly. "Well, together, I mean, and drugs are bad. Had a boyfriend who was into that sort of shite." She made a face. "That was a fun year."
Nodding along, rather surprised she was still able to follow what he was saying, she grinned. "A dog, eh? Have you ever tried the Animagus thing? My cousin Sirius wound up as the grim, the poor guy, though he probably thought it was hilarious."
She shook her head. "My mum's side of the family didn't, at least, though I just found out I have a half-cousin whose half-brother is Catholic, and I think he's a pureblood, so maybe." She shrugged. "Then again, my mum's side of the family consists mostly of blood-thirsty, murdering Death Eaters and their supporters, so it wouldn't be in their best interests to follow a religion that says killing is wrong."
“They would make great Catholics then,” he said with a laugh. “Seems like a pretty violent religion to be a part of. And people say that we’re the nutters.”
Rabbit shrugged and finally set his glass down on the table, sufficiently boozed for the time being. “Getty and Att are both strict vegans who haven’t had a drop to drink or taken a drug that wasn’t prescribed to them in the lives. And Cooper and me sit around drinking beer and eating pepperoni pizza - she’s followed in my footsteps and I don’t like it,” he added. “Not the meat - I couldn’t care less about that. But her… scene, or whatever. She gets into too much trouble and I try to protect her, but most of the time all I can do is try to patch her up best I can afterward.”
“I couldn’t be an animagus,” he said with a laugh. “I’m not bright enough for that. You ever try? Then you could look like different people and four-foot pals.”
She snorted. "Apparently it's the religion of choice among purebloods. Can't imagine many of them are particularly devout though."
Her eyebrows shot up. "Vegan? Really? I couldn't live without orange chicken," she said, making a face. "Though I admire their self-...something. What's the word? I admire it. D'you think Gatsby would mind if I eat meat and dairy and stuff? Or am I going to get a look that makes me feel guilty for all the animals that are dying for my stomach, and therefore have to hide meat and eggs in my office and sneak them?"
The serious voice was back, and she took a breath, trying to sober herself up. "I went through that when I was a little younger than she was. It's rough to pull out of, but she can do it. She just needs a kick in the arse, and hopefully it'll be that instead of something worse." Tonks frowned. "You're doing the best thing you can do - be there for her and supporting her. Is she an addict? Would a clinic help?"
She laughed. "I'd love to. Thought about it for a while once I realised Sirius was, but then while doing some research, we discovered that I can't be a Metamorphmagus and an Animagus, sadly. I can do almost a full transformation into an animal though," she added cheerfully. "If I practise and look up the anatomy and stuff."
"No, no, she's not an addict or anything. She's just in a rough crowd," he shook his head. "I think it was hard on her growing up, no one was there constantly to give her advice. She acted out for attention, since my parents were so caught up with getting through everything with Gatsby. I mean, she's brilliant about it now, but she was just a kid - she didn't really understand." Rabbit frowned, "I'm not the best rolemodel for her, really. But sometimes I think she listens to me, and that's good, yeah?"
Again, Rabbit laughed, "Nah, no one in my family is going to lynch you for loving cheeseburgers, they just keep away from them themselves. It's weird at holidays though - we've always had tofurkey and water instead of ham and wine. You could turn yourself into the ham at Christmas, if you'd like. Really scare my dad to death."
"Sounds like she had a rough time of it," said Tonks sympathetically. "Maybe...I don't know if it'd work or not, but d'you think she'd be open to making friends in the wizarding community? Give her a bit wider range to work with? Some of your friends, maybe? Bring her out with them and try to get her surrounded by people who won't expose her to that rough lifestyle?" She frowned. "I don't know how well Muggles do with wizards and witches, but we marry Muggles all the time, yeah? So it has to work at least a little. And her listening to you is brilliant," she added with a smile. "She's lucky she has you."
Tonks let out a dramatic sigh of relief. "Good. Wouldn't want my cheeseburger eating heathen ways to get in between us, y'know. I don't think I can do a ham," she added, considering it. "Maybe a pig though, or at least parts of a pig. I can do a pig snout, wanna see?" Without waiting for him to answer, she morphed her nose into exactly that, then grinned widely at him. "I personally think it's a vast improvement."
“Oh yeah, you’re fucking sexy. It’s taking everything I have not to launch at you right now,” he said dryly. But Rabbit was never able to keep the serious face on for long, and he soon broke into a grin. “See, I wish I could do that. I could look - dunno, different. It’d be a nice change of pace.”
“Also, you’re not eating in front of my brothers on a daily basis, so I wouldn’t worry. And as for Coop,” he shrugged. “I don’t like the way most people in the wizarding world treat muggles. I don’t want her to have to go through that - because she’s not less than them, and I know that she’s going to be treated like she is. A lot.”
“She’s not that lucky,” he added seriously. “I don’t even have a room to give her yet, and I’m not around as much as I should be.”
Tonks tried to hold a straight face, but soon enough she dissolved into laughter, her pig nose disappearing. "It's - it's overrated," she finally managed to gasp. "Brilliant, yes, but I also catch a lot of shite for it, too. It's hard for people to trust me, for instance, because they think I could be anyone. And men try to sleep with me because I can be whoever they want to fuck. It's all a bit frustrating sometimes, really."
Pulling herself together, she took a deep breath and nodded. "Right. Note to self, no greasy cheeseburgers in front of the Tuors. And you're right," she added with a sigh. "I didn't think of that. Wizards are sort of shite to Muggles sometimes, aren't they? Like it's all some bloody hierarchy. Bollocks, if you ask me. My parents had to deal with that through both the wars, unfortunately." And now she was going off on more tangents.
Tonks gave him a look. "She is that lucky. It isn't about the material, it's about how concerned you are for her and how much you love and support her. Letting her crash on your couch means just as much as giving her a spare room. And you've got a job," added Tonks. "And me bugging you constantly. She's an adult, yeah? You don't have to babysit her, love. Give her a chance to spread her wings a little and all that rot."
“Please, my couch? I get the couch - Princess Buttercup wouldn’t sleep on the pullout,” he smiled and added more gently, “Not that I would let her. And I do love her,” he admitted softly. “She’s - god, Tonks, she’s amazing. I don’t want her fucking things up because she has so much to offer.”
“And I trust you, no matter what you look like. It doesn’t change who you are, right?” He nudged his shoulder into her. “But - people don’t trust me either, if that helps. Because they think I’m always lying to them - or with all the rumors, that I’m some mad scientist who just wants to cut open their brain.” Brains weren’t even his division, he thought with a private grin. “Bollocks. I’m a harmless little bunny rabbit.”
Tonks snorted. "Merlin, you're whipped. If you ever want a bed to crash in, you know I have a spare room, right?" she said, eyebrow raised. " I only really live in my flat on the weekends anyhow. Usually I stay over at my parents', so really, you're welcome anytime." Her smile softened. "She sounds brilliant. And sometimes they have to make their own mistakes, y'know? It might be the only way she'll learn. Sometimes the only thing we can really do is step back and watch them, and be ready to catch them when they fall." She gestured to one of the many bookcases stuffed into her flat. "I read a lot of parenting books."
She grinned up at him. "I trust you, too, Rabbit, even if you are a Big Bad Unspeakable. I think that makes you even more trustworthy than the average Ministry employee, y'know. It shows you're loyal." She perked up at the mention of brains. "Is that the room you work in?"
“Rooms?” He asked with a raise of his eyebrow, not sure how she knew what, but positive that she realized that he couldn’t speak about it. Hence the name. No speaking. Unspeakable. It was pretty obvious.
Rabbit grinned and looked up at the bookshelves, “I should invest in some of those. But they’ll just get tossed on the piano with the other books and my dirty clothes - although Coop does the laundry now. Without even asking, it’s brilliant,” he beamed, the liquor in his blood showing through. “Plus she gets hydrangeas for the tables.”
Tonks raised her eyebrow right back at him. "Oh, right." She sighed. "You and all your secrets. Can't say I understand why it's all one big secret, but I suppose that's the beauty of it, isn't it?"
Laughing, she made a vague gesture toward the books. "I don't really read them much either, just when I can. I read a lot when I was pregnant though. And Coop does your laundry for you? What more could you want in a sister?" She grinned. "Does she cook, too?"
“It makes things a lot more interesting than they actually are,” he agreed with a broad smirk, thinking about the four hours of filing he did that afternoon. “Believe me.”
“Yeah, that would be great. I can only imagine what Cooper or Jaden would do if they walked in on me reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting - I don’t know whose reaction would be more amusing. Probably Coop’s,” he smirked. “She’s not magic-savvy and would think I was pregnant or something. And then she’d complain about having to wash my clothes and the baby’s – but I cook,” he insisted, about to go off on what a good chef he was when his phone rang, the theme song from The Office blaring loudly and annoyingly from his back pocket.
While Rabbit wanted to make nothing of it, he couldn’t stop from paling just slightly when he checked the caller id and saw Coop on the screen. And he glanced at Tonks before standing up and wandering into the kitchen without a word, all fantasies of his sister calling him out of boredom disappearing when he heard her sobbing into the phone. It took five minutes to get everything out of her, to calm her down enough where she was able to tell him what was wrong, that Gatsby’s fever had gotten worse and they moved him to the intensive care because he was having too much trouble breathing on his own. By the end of it, despite how much whiskey he had drank, Rabbit felt totally and completely sober, although slightly shaky.
“I’m sorry,” he told her seriously, bending down to hug Tonks once he was back in the living room. “I have to go – Buttercup needs a ride home.” Rabbit forced a smile and added, as calmly as he could so that she wouldn’t have reason to feel as nervous as he did, “I’ll make it up to you next time – we can drink double shots.”
"Do you have something - some sort of potion to sober me up? I don't want to drive with her like this."
Tonks was still as he answered his phone, having noticed his sudden change in demeanor. Sitting cross-legged, she tried to ignore the conversation filtering in through the kitchen, though it was next to impossible. Instead she attempted to busy herself by reorganising the bottles, the pleasant buzz of alcohol now turning into a disorienting sloshing in her head.
Watching Rabbit as he reentered the living room, Tonks was certain he was lying, or at least omitting parts of the truth. But there was no point in grilling him about it, and she only hoped that whatever it was wasn't as bad as it could be.
"It's okay," she said, returning his hug before she stood on shaky legs, nearly pitching forward. Brilliant. "Er, yeah, I've got..." She wasn't going to make it up two flights of stairs like this, so she silently Summoned two small vials with premeasured amounts of sobering potion. Handing one to him, she downed hers quickly, making a face. It didn't exactly taste pleasant.
"It's instant, but it has a kick," she said, shaking her head as it started to set in. "And you'll need to use the loo rather viciously in about five minutes. If you need anything, let me know, yeah?" Tonks said this seriously, now able to focus firmly on him without straining. "I hope Buttercup's okay."
“She’ll be fine, she’s just not good to drive herself home and I have to go out and play big brother,” he said lightly, feeling much better (and much worse) now that he had sobered up. “This is my punishment for leaving dirty clothes about, you know.”
Not that he minded, and that was obvious in his voice, the slightest twinge of worry breaking through his otherwise playful tone. “I’m going to attack you at your desk on Monday, by the way. Be prepared.” Rabbit smiled and leaned forward to hug her goodbye, muttered, “Take care” before disapparating with a loud crack.
Tonks managed a smile, despite how tense the atmosphere had suddenly become, and once again returned Rabbit's hug. "You, too," she said just before he Disapparated. Getting attacked at her desk would certainly break up the monotony of the work day, but outside of that thought, she was now wholly worried. Even if all it was was Buttercup needing a ride home, Tonks was certain she was in an unpleasant situation, or at least something similar. She doubted Rabbit would've been on the phone for so long if it was just a request for a ride.
Sighing to herself, she waved her wand and put the liquor bottles back in place. There wasn't much else to do, other than washing the glasses and putting the food away, and once that was done, she paused in the middle of the kitchen. It'd been a long evening so far, and after all the things they'd talked about, there was only one place she wanted to be.
Apparating to her parents' home, she climbed up the stairs as silently as she could, then entered Zee's room. With dim light filtering in through the window, she could tell her daughter was sound asleep. Smiling to herself, she kicked off her shoes and carefully climbed into bed next to her, trying not to disturb her as she gently wrapped her arms around Zee. She stirred for a moment, snuggling against Tonks' chest, and Tonks smiled, pressing her lips to the top of Zee's head. Even after Tonks' eyes were closed and she remained still for the rest of the night, it was hours before she was finally able to fall asleep.