Jam (![]() ![]() @ 2008-07-05 18:49:00 |
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Current music: | "Spit the Dark"- Empires |
Who: Vi Marlowe and Ben Dunstan
What: Making a mockery of American accents, Vi getting freaked out, offending people, and a gang of pimp dogs humping pigs. Or, you know, hunting Nogtails.
Where: Scamander Park, then a few farms in York, then back.
When: Saturday, 5th July
Rating: R
Status: Closed; complete
Ben wasn't always all that keen on offering help to someone who seemed out-of-sorts and edgy. It wasn't as if he purposely didn't; he did. It just...wasn't something that seemed all that beneficial, really, or something that ended up leading to a good conclusion. However, he had talked to Vi Marlowe a few time--passing conversations, never anything of any substance or consequence--and she didn't seem like someone to freak out at random things. He wasn't sure if that was strictly the truth but it was an impression and, on top of that, it had never been in his nature to just leave someone who was clearly panicking just there on their own.
Plus, he was rather bored. It was a slow day in the labs, and while he had projects to be working on, they weren't exactly pressing matters. Ben reckoned he could also dub it as one of his days out in the field.
Arriving at Marlowe's office, he rapped sharply on the doors, knuckles hitting wood confidently. Raising his voice he called through the door, "Vi? Please don't be curled in a foetal ball." A second later he pushed the door open, and poked his head around it, eyes searching out the blonde woman and hoping against all hope he had actually got the right office--there had been a few embarrassing accidents in the past where he walked straight into a strange office, talking away like he already knew the people. That was what happened, he supposed, when one was with the same department for ten years and had got used to people staying stationary. It always threw him for six when someone changed--or in this case when someone new inhabited an office he had thought of as someone elses.
"I'm not quite at foetal ball stage yet, cheers," Vi responded with a glare in Ben's direction. She lit a few more candles in the dark office so she could see him better. "Thanks for coming," she said with a warm smile. "Did you bring the most powerful incendiary devices you possess so we can blow the fuckers to hell and bring back heaps of barbecue for the office mates?"
Ben's smile widened when she spoke and he stepped into the office proper, leaving the door behind him open. The lights outside were flickering slightly. "It's no problem, don't worry about it," he said, somewhat dismissively, even as he wondered whether to apologise for the foetal ball remark. He decided against it a moment later.
Blinking slightly with what she had said, Ben shook his head. "Er, no. Vi, there's a much easier solution, trust me. Why'd we want to make them into a barbecue, anyway? I don't think they'd taste all that nice. In fact, I've never really pork. I assume they'd still be pork, though I'm not entirely sure about that. Perhaps? Do you know? You're the expert with all this stuff."
Taking a deep breath, he added, "Also, I don't think any one of the people out here would go for Nogtail meat. Perhaps Fred. But Fred is not very discriminating when it comes to what type of meat she'll eat, trust me. So, instead of powerful incendiary devices I have decided that I will call down and get a gang of dogs. Yes, a proper gang with pimp chains and everything. How does that sound?"
Vi rolled her eyes. "It was a joke, Dunstan. Does no one in this office understand the concept of jokes?" She decided they must, because he'd just joked about her being in a foetal ball, and about dogs with pimp chains. "Pure white gang dogs; you're my hero," she said with relief. "I went by the animal shelter earlier but I couldn't afford one, and according to my research transfiguring something into one wouldn't have the same effect. Where are they?"
Ben stared at her for a moment and then blinked. "We keep some. They're hidden, though, 'cause they scare the crap out of most things. Also, once the tried to take a bite out of somebody's leg. I don't know when, or who it was, but I was told. It was an awe-inspiring tale with blood and screaming and people fainting, so I reckon they're pretty efficient, aye?" His tone was light and his grin wide as he said it, his demeanour almost chipper. "I've sent a note down to the guy who breeds them or whatever--I have no idea, he's rather creepy too--and he said he'd have them ready for us in about five."
The cryptozoologist picked up her rucksack from where she'd abandoned it to a corner of her office on top of a pile of boxes she had yet to unpack. "Sounds like you're a step ahead of me, Dunstan," Vi pointed out, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice as she began blowing out candles in her office. "I suppose you have a way to transport them to the site, too? I sort of have no petrol in my car."
"Portkey," he said cheerfully and waved a paper chain under her nose. It wasn't the best Portkey he had ever seen, but it was far from the worst and he tugged on Vi's elbow, indicating that she should follow him down through the building to where McBride kept her dogs. All the way down he chattered happily and easily, bouncing slightly on his heels as he walked as if they were going to a circus or something equally exciting as opposed to hunting Nogtails.
When they reached McBride's lair, he grinned at the woman, signed a few sheets, and then turned back, offering the Portkey towards Vi even as he grabbed tightly onto the dog's leads. "Ready, set, go?" Ben smiled.
Nodding politely to McBride, Vi took the Portkey and held out her other hand, offering to take some of the leads from Ben. "Ready when you are." She found Ben's cheerful nature to be quite contagious and smiled back at him. "So do you, uh, enjoy exterminating Nogtails, or something?" she asked genially.
Ben didn't answer until moments later, the firm jerk of the Portkey making him wobble for a moment, so much so that he didn't trust himself to speak. His grip on the Portkey tightened, as did his fingers around the leads. It was only when the jerk behind his navel stopped and his feet were comfortably and completely solidly on the ground once more that he answered. "Oh, not particularly. But there's this wonderful thing about fresh air; it's such a rare thing that I get to experience that everytime it finally does make itself known in my working life I do a jump for joy and damned if I'm not going to be happy to get the heck out of there." Ben whistled slightly at one of the dogs, to restrain him, even as a number of them started to pull at the leads.
"I reckon," he said softly, "that means they've got some kind of scent. God knows what one because it's not like I've given them anything, you know?" The dogs strained against their leads again, one of them practically salivating the muzzle currently over its jaws. "Bloody hell," Ben breathed and yanked hard on the dogs' leads, barking their names. "I suppose we should just follow where they blinking lead us, aye?"
"Uh, I think the farms are the other way," Vi replied, slightly glad Ben hadn't given her any of the leads when she'd put her hand out before the portkey had zapped them. Better him to get his arms torn off than her. "Maybe they're specially bred to pick out Nogtail scent?" she offered in response to his comment about not giving them anything. It was possible she'd missed a farm when she'd done her research. She'd noticed three sheep-and-hog farms in a ten-mile radius that had been failing steadily for the past three years despite enormous prosperity for nearly twenty years before. But maybe there was a fourth. Or maybe the dogs were just excited to get outside and weren't actually chasing anything. Vi knew from experience with Charlton Heston that dogs could run for ages after nothing, just for the sake of being happy to be out. "Well, if this is all about fresh air I'm all for following them if you are..."
"I don't know about being specially bred," Ben said somewhat warily as he eyed the pack of dogs. "McBride didn't say. It's her area of expertise, these silly, low level creatures."
Still, it couldn't have done any harm to let them, right? He contemplated it for just a moment before saying, "I think they would be. I mean, why else keep a group of dogs about if they're not trained to do something." He was speaking more to himself, to try and reassure himself that letting them go off as they pleased was all fine and dandy and the next the dogs set off running, the combined weight and the sheer energy they exerted almost pulling him off his feet as they bounded across fields in the opposite direction they had originally been sniffing at towards what looked like a small hut in the distance.
"You shoulda let me take some leads!" Vi shouted excitedly as she raced after Ben and the dogs. At least they were headed in the right direction now, towards the small pig enclosure on the first farm. She'd transfigured a mouse into a white pig earlier and the farmhands were distracted in a far field chasing the creature, (which she'd spelled to avoid capture) leaving the pig enclosure unattended. The dogs seemed to know their business exactly, as they needed no coaxing to zero in straight on the enclosure. "They're either trained to track Nogtails, or else smell pigsty mud from a thousand feet off," she said to Ben as they ran. "You don't wanna just let them go chase the Nogtail off themselves, eh, before they rip your arm off?"
"They might go for the farmer, though," Ben said, somewhat half-heartedly. He hesitated for a second and then he let the leads slacken and let them go, the dogs bolting across the fields. He was pretty sure half of them leaped over the fence into the farm before he'd even really blinked. Which, of course, caused rather a lot of blinking and then Ben turned to Vi, eyes wide.
"I'm bloody glad they're part of our department. Merlin, could you imagine running into those bastards out on the street? Tear you apart." He whistled slightly, the sound low, in admiration. There was suddenly a squeal, louder and higher pitched than that of a pig, and more squeals, that of actual pigs. Ben exchanged glances with Vi and then ran flat out towards the sound of the squeals, almost afraid that the dogs had laid into the pigs themselves. He wasn't sure how that would have been handled.
"Farmer's down in another field," Vi assured him. "Sent all the people off on a wild... pig chase." She shut up as she watched the dogs speed towards the farm. Had some of them cleared the fence?! "Yeah, you couldn't pay me to get between those things and what they're hunting," she agreed. The noises coming from the barn had her cursing, and when Ben increased his speed Vi found herself struggling to keep up. She was several seconds behind him when she reached the source of the squeals and stifled a laugh when she peered over Ben's shoulder and noticed that some of the pigs were squealing because a couple of the dogs were trying to mount them. "What the bloody hell?!" She glanced around for a pail of water or something to throw at them, and saw two more dogs growling at a large, spindly-legged creature- the Nogtail, she recognized. The dogs had it cornered. Vi gave a screech, jumping back out of the barn. "Don't block the exit, Dunstan!" she shouted, terrified for what would happen when the dogs herded the creature outside, "it might get you!"
When Ben burst through the door all he could do was blink for a moment, completely horrified at the site before him. Horrified and somewhat amused, he wasn't going to lie. And then, a moment later, all he could do was laugh almost bending double with the force of it. "Oh Merlin," he breathed, and words were hard to get out he was laughing that much. "Oh. My. Merlin." He was still laughing when Vi came in and all he could do was laugh even harder when she started glancing around, a rather terrified look in her eyes. This was perhaps one of the best assignments he'd agreed to go on, he decided.
"Oh." He blinked back over his shoulder at Vi. The dogs weren't coming near him, certainly. "It won't do me any harm, pet. Don't worry about it." Still, he moved just because she looked so scared that he wasn't sure he could justify staying there. She might have had a heart attack--Nogtail attack by proxy causing it or something.
Poking her head back in the doorway, Vi met Ben's gaze. "You're such a... bloke, she muttered with a roll of his eyes in response to the laughter. A scream ripped through her when the two dogs herded the Nogtail out of the barn and chased it across the field, snapping and biting at its speed-blurred spindly legs. The remaining three dogs kept on with what they were doing, appearing not to be bothered by the fact that a pair of their compatriots had just done their work without them. Vi fetched a bucket from around the side of the barn, keeping a wary eye out for the Nogtail in case it returned. "Toss this at them, will ya?" she asked Ben when she returned to the doorway. "We've still got two more farms to hit. Tell them the pigs are more attractive at the other farms, or something."
"You're only noticing now?" Ben asked wryly, his mouth twisting slightly in something half way between a genuine smile and a teasing smirk. He bounced, slightly, on the balls of his feet and then started to do as she said, taking the bucket off the blonde. There was a moment during which he paused, assessing exactly how close these dogs were to one another and whether or not he ran the risk of hitting one of them. He did, but it didn't really matter. Tossing the bucket back, he threw it with accuracy. Unfortunately, the dogs didn't want to play in on his whole accurate thing and moved just so. The bucket clunked loudly and Ben cringed, hoping that it hadn't hit one of them in the head.
"Oi," he called, lifting two fingers to his lips and whistling. "There's some sexier pigs just over yonder." The dogs paused, and Ben fooled himself for a moment that it was because of the sexy pigs comment. Really, it absolutely could not have been because he whistled. No, no, definitely the pigs comment. He jabbed a finger towards a farm a short way away and the dogs took off instantly, running faster than any human could dream of. Ben sighed and then took after them, going as fast as his legs would let him.
"These are definitely the creepiest bleedin' dogs I've ever seen!" Vi called out as she raced after Ben. She was breathless by the time she reached the next farm, and doubled over with her arse against the side of the barn. The pigs here were squealing as well, and there was growling coming from the barn. Gulping in air, she staggered inside the barn to meet Ben and take in the scene.
The scene was slightly different and for that Ben was rather upset. Or not upset, but decidedly less amused which was rather an annoying thing, when it came down to it. There were times where you had to seize ahold of whatever laughs you could get and there was definitely not much better than the mental image he was sure would be pretty certain to pop up whenever it liked to--dogs trying to hump a pig. Instead, one dog this time was inching towards the Nogtail, teeth bared and growling, and the other two were hanging back, almost flanking the lead one.
"I told you that it was like a proper gang of dogs," Ben said softly. "All they need now's a few bloody chains. Why didn't I bring chains? That's going to haunt me forever." He pretended to pout, then, even as he almost flattened himself against the wall. The Nogtail had managed to get passed the dogs--all of them, and not one seemed pretty pleased about it--and all three had started to bolt after it. There were barks and growls, and then Ben whistled, trying to call at least one of them back. "They aren't all fucking leaving," he muttered, somewhat grumpily, and the next second there were dogs bounding towards him. He wasn't sure which ones they were but there were two of them and he could be happy enough with that. Perhaps they were from the first go 'round.
The dogs ran faster towards them and he continued whistling until they were almost upon them. One ran into Ben's legs, sending him stumbling backwards and then the dog panted, its tongue lolling out of its mouth. Ben frowned down at it and then with a massive sigh patted its head. It panted again, looking less and less fearsome and then he nudged the dog with his foot saying firmly, "Nogtail." It took off and Ben scowled. "I hate bloody dogs."
Vi was thoroughly amused by Ben's gang dogs and lamentation over the chains, but before she could tell him so the Nogtail came barrelling towards the barn door, which she was still standing in front of, and she dove to one side with a scream. "Eeeeeew," she moaned as she picked herself up. She'd landed in pig muck. "I fucking hate bloody Nogtails!" Her feeling of self-pity had turned back to amusement when the second returning dog snuffled her hand and began licking at the muck on her fingers. After a giggle or two she used her wand to clean herself up. "Nogtail. Nogtail!" she cried when the dog continued to lick her. It pricked up its ears and bolted off after the dog that had knocked Ben over. Vi held out a hand to help him up. "All my assignments so far have been a treat," she mumbled, smirking. "Are things always this much fun out in the field?"
"Depends what you mean by fun," he said dryly. "If you mean fun as in wide rollercoaster-type fun, then definitely not. If you mean fun, like filling in tax forms kind of fun then, lady, this far surpasses it."
He accepted the proffered hand and struggled to his feet. He watched the dogs for a moment and then, sighing, decided that perhaps it was easier to simply Apparate. It was silly that he never thought of it before. A breath, a crack and he was gone, appearing near the third barn as the squeals inside became louder. Nearby there were shouts, human voices calling out, and he knew it was only so long until they were going to get caught. Fuck. Swearing, colourfully, mostly in his head he urged the dogs on, a few "good boy, good boy" escaping him every now and then. The dogs had the Nogtail cornered and the voices of the Muggles were getting closer. Ben closed his eyes, a slight prayer in mind, and when the barn door started to open, a good natured male voice joking with someone nearby, he whistled lowly for the dogs. The Nogtail, he was fairly sure, was the thing in one of the dogs' mouths.
"Oh howdy!" Vi crowed loudly to the four figures approaching the barn in a very poor American accent. The man with his hand on the door brought it back to his side abruptly. Her Apparition had taken her to the opposite side of the barn as Dunstan and she'd waited outside for fear of approaching the evil creature and being knocked in pig crap once again. When the family of farmers- an older man, two young men and a plump woman- had come upon the barn it had taken her several seconds to act, but at least she'd held them up before they entered and found Ben and the dogs. The dogs must have caught the beast by now, she assumed, since the growling had ceased. She had to buy him a few seconds and a distraction to escape. "Have y'all discovered the Lord Jesus as your Redeemer?" Shite, she watched too much American telly! With the way all four were staring at her, and walking slowly towards her with confused and displeased expressions, Vi guessed that they weren't very keen on evangelical types. Or Americans. Or maybe they thought she'd escaped an asylum somewhere. But at least their advancement towards her meant her idiocy might have given Ben a chance to get the dogs out.
The door, which had been opened just a crack, started to close and Ben whistled softly again, for the dogs. He couldn't get out the front way, that was impossible. Swearing into himself, he attached the leads to the dogs again, not paying attention to the whining noises they were making, what looked like lust-filled glances towards the pigs being exchanged, and he started to walk towards the side exit of the barn, hurrying the dogs. Outside he could hear Vi's voice--or he thought it was Vi's voice, it sounded slightly odd. He wasn't quite sure why, though, until he was around the side of the barn and heard her calling out about discovering Jesus. He started to laugh, and then tried to cover that, breaking out into coughing fits instead. He was sure they'd heard him now.
Taking a deep breath, he walked out from the side of the barn, a wide grin on his face and adapted an American accent, just as poor as Vi's was--perhaps a little worse. "Alright, pumpkin, how're you?" he said loudly, throwing an arm around the smaller woman's shoulders. He grinned widely at the family, tugging harshly on the dogs' leads to stop them edging towards the family. "Are you tryin' to teach these farm folk about the magnificent and marvellous ways of our Lord?" He was so very, very bad at this.
He'd snuck out the other door! Bollocks! She hadn't even needed to put on this damn charade! And now he was keeping it up! Mental head slap. "I sure am, pardner," Vi retorted with a forced smile, wrapping an arm around Ben. "Jesus is good and He is great, and all that. Yee haw!" Shit.
"We're Jewish," one of the younger men deadpanned.
Vi found this amusing seeing how there was a barn full of pigs not ten feet away, but she didn't dare say anything. "Oh, that's wonderful. Just wonderful," she smiled. "Maybe we should be going."
"Fucking Jewish. Killed our Lord!" He was getting in so much shit when he told Stella about this later, he suspected. Or perhaps right now. Half of the people looked like they wanted to kill him. No, wait, scratch that. All of them looked like they wanted to kill him. He wasn't sure if it was because he had slagged them off, or if it was because he had slagged them off while pretending to be American. Probably the latter. Never again.
Smiling sheepishly, he took a few steps backwards and then said, "Well, um, yee haw and that's right. We have to be gettin' on because...because there's some real nice cheeseburgers in our trunk. With the body. Of the penguins. Heh." He tugged on Vi's arm and practically bolted out of there, whistling for the dogs, slowing down only when they were off the farmer's land.
"I am so very sorry."
Vi was having a hard time keeping herself from bursting into giggles. "Don't worry yerself about it, pardner," she told Ben when they were out of earshot, and did burst into giggles. She tried to whistle like her companion had done to alert the dogs, but nothing happened. "Uh? Any sign of the other three? I suppose McBride wouldn't be too pleased if we didn't come back with them."
"Maybe if we offered them pigs?" Ben suggested, glancing around and then his head shook somewhat. "Let's pretend I didn't actually encourage dogs shagging pigs. And please, please, God, don't remind me of the whole 'pardner' thing. I don't think I've ever put my foot in it that badly. But that's alright, all the telly 'round our end says is that Americans are really bloody obnoxious. I'm hoping they just thought it natural." He put his fingers in his mouth again and whistled loudly. Dogs came bounding over the fields on the horizon and he heaved a sigh of relief. McBride was a slim thing, but she scowled like she could have beaten him to a pulp.
"Right, you lot. Leads," his voice was stern and firm. "That was very, very bad running away from me. What the hell was that about? I'm tellin' McBride you need training up, you little bitches." Still, he sounded somewhat cheerful about it all and was still smiling rather widely when he turned around and glanced at Vi.
"So, that wasn't as bad as you thought it would be, was it?" Ben asked, as he fumbled through his pockets.
"Other than the 'falling in shit' part, nope, wasn't so bad. I don't think they're bitches," Vi murmured thoughtfully. "Ah, someone else who owns a telly; brilliant. I won't tell anyone you got off a little on the dogs shagging pigs thing if you don't tell anyone I fell in a pile of shit," she bargained. She grabbed at a couple leads so Ben could search his pockets easier, but squealed and dropped the lead of the dog that had a Nogtail in its mouth. "Holy shit!" She launched herself behind Ben for protection. "Did the farmers not see that? Did we scare them so much they didn't notice? Get it out of its mouth! Take it away from it!"
"One of them might be a bitch. This one didn't go near any of the pigs." Then he squinted at it. "It might be this one. I'm not sure. They all look the same to me, to tell you the truth." Ben shrugged somewhat and then let out a whoop when he found it, a second Portkey this one designed to take them back. Sometimes he wondered how their department got them so quickly, and easily, but then he decided never to question it. It didn't seem like the kind of thing that would do him much good to question, after all. He could end up finding out they hurt people for them, and then he would have a moral dilemma. Perhaps.
Starting when Vi yelled and ducked behind him, Ben switched his gaze from Vi to the dog who dropped something guiltily out of its mouth, then down at the ground where the dead body of the Nogtail lay, limbs spread out in a grotesque and rather hilarious fashion. Obviously, Vi didn't think it was so hilarious. "Maybe they thought it was a mouse?" he said, somewhat hopefully. He bent over, though, picking up the body of the Nogtail and deciding to bring it back to the department. Bury it out the back. Or just give it to somebody to pick at. There was always somebody around who seemed to want to poke at things, no matter how silly and ridiculous the animal was. Holding out the Portkey, he indicated that Vi should grab hold.
"Don't say that!" Vi ordered. "I like mice! Don't ruin mice for me by saying these... things look like mice!" She hesitated in taking hold of the Portkey because Ben was actually holding the Nogtail as well as the Portkey and she was fairly certain you could get Nogtail germs by touching something that someone who was also touching a Nogtail touched. But if she didn't touch the Portkey, she'd be stuck staring at the Nogtail in Ben's hand forever, whereas if they returned to the office Ben could get it out of her sight until she worked up the courage to perform some research on it.
Keeping the sleeve of her shirt over her hand, Vi reached out and touched the Portkey and squeezed her eyes tightly shut until the feeling in her stomach dissipated and she noticed light flickering on and off through her eyelids. Back at the office. Vi threw up a quick ward and the lights glowed steadily. "Want me to take the dogs back down to McBride while you put that thing... somewhere in a lab far far away?" she asked Ben hopefully.
"I don't think they look like mice," he said, attempting for a somewhat soothing tone of voice. "Just that the silly farmers may have. Serves them right for falling for daft bloody accents like that. You have the worst American accent I've ever heard." There was a pause and then he grinned widely, winking at her as he said, "Pardner." Chuckling slightly, he nodded at her offer and then turned, Nogtail in hand and begin to walk down the hallways, humming to himself.