Seren Fawcett (lloergan) wrote in regulation, @ 2008-07-03 09:08:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | atticus tuor, owl, seren fawcett |
Atticus,
There are many reasons for my writing you and I intend to at least attempt to cover them all so I apologise in advance for how long this may get.
First of all, I want to apologise for the extreme awkwardness that was our exchange the other day. As you can imagine I haven't exactly gotten much sleep over recent days. My mind's had so many things piled onto it that I was overwhelmed and couldn't expend the energy to deal with any of it. Avoidance is quite a talent of mine, as you may or may not remember. Honestly, I could have dealt with the things I had to pertaining to you sooner but I was too startled by the information to think I could handle it, or to want to. Again, avoidance. I did not expect to have so many things so suddenly placed upon my shoulders that would prohibit me from dealing with much of anything simply from the sheer size of it all combined being too daunting. I certainly could not have imagined a situation which would find you in my home. While I knew you were there I was unprepared to actually be confronted with you. I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. I was short with you because I didn't know what to say, I couldn't sort through my emotions enough to form a coherent thought. So I left. And for that I also apologise. I've missed you dearly and I wish I could have been of a mind to attempt an actual conversation.
When Rabbit was in hospital last Monday he told me you'd considered asking me out when I'd returned from Romania. He said you'd sent me flowers but not signed the card. He said he thought you loved me. I was so upset I'd lost a friend, a friend I'd loved dearly, because he'd avoided me for a reason as utterly daft as having developed more than platonic feelings for me. That knowledge wounded me worse than I could have ever imagined it would have. I have quite a knack for simply not realising things, as I'm sure you remember. You, it turns out, was one of those things.
I'd forgotten fifth year. There's no reason to remember most things that happened so very long ago, after all. I'd forgotten all about the entirely enormous crush I'd developed on you. There was that week or two I avoided you, I don't know if you remember. I'd make up the most idiotic reasons for having to be anywhere you weren't. I practically couldn't breathe when I saw you. It made classes difficult, to say the least. And I didn't know how to handle it. I'm not really so very different now, actually. So I did what I'm best at and I filtered it out of my mind. I turned those feelings off and eventually convinced myself I was over them, that they'd faded and gone. They hadn't, though I've just realised that this past night as I've sat and scribbled all my thoughts out onto paper so that I may make sense of them.
Those feelings never left. Never faded. Never fled. They grew in secrecy. I fell completely in love with you and I never realised it at all. I was too busy keeping my attention anywhere that wasn't my heart. I don't really understand hearts in a lot of ways. They're complicated and unpredictable and while I can explain the mechanics of them in excruciating detail I can't make sense of their sentience. I am rather motivated by things I know through feeling, but those sorts of emotions don't click in my head. Likely because they aren't a manifestation of the mind. I'm all mind, I always have been. I'm other things as well, but those things aren't rooted in the heart exactly. I can deal with the spirit, with the soul, but not the heart.
When I found out from Rabbit I suppose it finally triggered all of that, though I was playing my happy denial game and not seeing it for what it was. All I really knew was that my chest did this horrid constricting thing at the mention of you. It was twenty times worse whenever your engagement to Cho was mentioned. I hate that feeling. Do you know that feeling? It's awful.
I really never did get those letters from you. Not one of them. It sounds suspicious, I know. That fact isn't lost on me. I'm not lying and I don't think you are and so all I can think of is that I wasn't meant to have them. I know exactly how I'd have reacted if I'd gotten them. There isn't any question in my mind that if I'd gotten that first one, that four page letter a month after I'd left, that I'd have begged you to move there too. I'd have kept talking until you agreed. Until you were with me and away from the war. And I'd have never let go, Att. I feel that so surely. In a way I wish I could have been with you. I don't think I was supposed to be, though. I resent I never got to be with you, or to love you, or be loved by you, but I'm sure I'd have never wanted to be parted from you if I had been. So wherever those letters went, I think it's because they weren't supposed to be found. Fate, perhaps. Maybe simply senile owls. Our lives, I don't doubt, would be very different if I'd gotten that letter.
But I don't think we were ever meant for one another. I don't think our lives were supposed to happen together. We're too similar. I don't think that I will ever be able to not love you, though. They always say how you never forget your first love. How they leave this indelible print on your heart. Well, you were mine, Atticus. You were my first love.
I'm glad you have someone you love. Someone you're in love with. I don't think she's good enough for you. I've never liked her, honestly, and maybe I like her less for having your heart now. I don't think I'm in love with you anymore, but until all that emotion has a chance to fade away it feels really close to that. I'd really like to have my mate back, you know. When we can be friends. And that will be possible soon for me. Just not yet.
Love,
Seren