"I want to die. I want it all the time. I always have, ever since I was a child, but back then it was bearable, because God gave me support, I had the nuns, I had Percy, I had Heli, I wasn't alone. Now I have no one, only God, and He doesn't speak to me. I thought He would take me when I found the Grail, I thought it was over then, but it's not. I am waiting for Him to let me go. Everything I do is waiting, because I know, I know He will have mercy on me, but I don't know when and every day is like a pit and I live in the darkness. Maybe if I debauched myself I wouldn't feel the time, but I'm afraid to sin, I'm always afraid of this despair, I'm afraid it will be too much and I will damn myself before He can let me go--" He breaks off, white as a sheet and shuddering.