part two
who ? andrew kirke and evan potter when ? monday afternoon, 14th march where ? panquake house garden what ? evan built andrew a blanket fort in a tent warnings: this bits safe for work, also no one ever let kaylie and i do google docs again, we write too much :/ status ? complete
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Andrew glanced over, just in time to see the tail end of Evan’s frown before Evan snuggled against him. “Alright?” he asked, curling his arm around Evan and pressing a kiss to his forehead as they tangled together once more. “In my defence, I didn’t know it was a blanket fort,” Andrew pointed out. “I just followed you, all trusting. And then you seduced me. In your sex tent.” It was impossible to keep a straight face, and Andrew laughed against Evan’s hair. In reality, he was pretty sure they were both as bad as one another when it came to failing to keep their hands off and clothes on.
He sobered as Evan brought up his stutter, and his mum. “You told your mum about that?” he asked, somewhere between curious and concerned. “I - figured it was just a sex thing. You don’t stutter otherwise.” And the idea that Evan might have shared that particular detail with his mother was definitely unnerving. “I mean, if you liked me more than other people wouldn’t you stutter around me at other times too?” Andrew didn’t know how stutters worked, really, so he was just guessing based on what seemed logical to him. And as nice as the idea that Evan liked him more than he’d liked other people was, Andrew wasn’t sure it fit the evidence.
--
Evan couldn’t help but snort when Andrew said he had seduced him in his sex tent. “It’s your tent,” Evan said despite the fact that it was hardly a counter-argument. He also was pretty sure that he would be absolutely terrible at seducing anyone, and still wasn’t all too sure how he had landed with Andrew. Not when Evan’s seduction techniques had included breaking Andrew’s nose and then stuttering at him. “But it’s kind of you to imply that I have any ability to seduce someone,” he added managing to sound much more serious than the statement deserved. Evan was well aware that he had clearly done something right to be where he was.
“Sometimes I stutter when I’m angry,” Evan admitted softly. “And sometimes when I’m high,” because that happened, too. “And apparently, sometimes when I have you naked near me,” he said this time with a small smile. “It doesn’t happen often,” he added. “Well, the first two,” Evan clarified with a small grin. He had plenty of Andrew naked around him and hardly intended to complain. “I used to stutter a lot when I was a kid,” Evan said, half hiding his face into the crook of Andrew’s neck, because if there was a single thing that did embarrass Evan it was his inability to speak. “Had to go to speech therapy for years,” he added, thinking back on the memories. The speech therapy had been amazing, even if it had taken Evan a long time to learn how to not stutter.
He bit his lips slightly, thinking about Andrew’s question. “Maybe I don’t like you enough to always stutter around you,” Evan told him jokingly. Truth be told, Evan couldn’t imagine anything worse than liking someone so much he was unable to talk to them. As much as Evan enjoyed the sex thing, and he did, Evan really enjoyed the talking. “I hate that I do it at all,” Evan said in what was probably half a whisper than actual words. “I wouldn’t want to like you so much I couldn’t speak to you,” he told Andrew, not convinced it was even loud enough to really hear.
--
Given just how recently Andrew had orgasmed, it didn’t seem necessary to point out that Evan clearly had plenty of ability to get Andrew in the mood for sex. “I’m naked now,” Andrew pointed out, shifting his body against Evan’s for emphasis. “And you’re not stuttering.” Even the first time, Evan had been fine talking about roofing styles, so Andrew had concluded - not that he’d actually given much thought to it - that they had to actually be talking about sex for it to be an issue. When Evan tucked his face into the crook of Andrew’s neck, Andrew lifted a hand to cradle Evan’s scalp, fingers stroking through his hair. “Yeah?” he murmured, not sure what else to say about Evan’s childhood stuttering. “Seems like it worked pretty well.” Maybe Evan wished he never stuttered ever, but it seemed to Andrew like if there were only three circumstances in which it happened that was good going.
“Maybe,” Andrew said, frowning and glad Evan wasn’t looking up at him. Obviously, he wouldn’t want Evan to always stutter - he doubted they’d be here right now if Evan couldn’t string a sentence together around him. Maybe that was shallow. Or something. It didn’t seem like a great trait to have, Andrew was sure of that much. And maybe someone else, someone Evan liked more, would be patient and wait around until Evan got comfortable. Evan’s whispered brought Andrew’s attention back to the actual problem at hand, not imaginary hypothetical people that Evan would one day like more. “It doesn’t bother me,” Andrew said, pretty sure he’d said that before. “I know that doesn’t stop it from bothering you, but you don’t have to worry that I’m going to -” Andrew didn’t even know. What would someone who was bothered by it do? Get impatient? Andrew shrugged. He didn’t quite catch the last of Evan’s words so he repositioned himself so he could find Evan’s lips for a kiss. “Is it bothering you that you don’t know why it happens with me?” he asked when he pulled back and could actually see Evan again.
--
Evan couldn’t fault Andrew’s logic. He was right in saying that he was naked now and Evan seemingly had no issue with getting words out. It was hard to explain, he thought. It wasn’t like Evan knew exactly why the stutter seemed to reappear when they got... intimate, for a lack of a better word. Because it wasn’t them getting close, it wasn’t the touching and it wasn’t the kissing but something along the way made Evan lose his words. They were definitely connected to sex, because Evan was able to say things in between stuttering at Andrew. But the point was that Evan had been in these sort of situations before. Albeit, he might have never actually gone the whole way when it came to sex, but he hardly considered himself a blushing virgin. Yet Andrew was so far the only person with whom Evan lost his words when they got sexually close. He couldn’t explain it but liked the thought that he just liked Andrew more, was startled out of speaking by sheer want.
Andrew had told Evan before that it didn’t bother him but it was still nice to hear it again. It was a nice thought, that someone could be unbothered by the way Evan was a little bit broken at times. Unable to speak. Stupid. Except he knew he wasn’t, of course, had it repeated enough to know that stuttering in no way reflected his intelligence. But it did bother him, which in turn to Evan meant that others must be bothered by it, too. He didn’t want to object to Andrew’s words, though, didn’t want to say that Andrew was lying because he had no proof of that whatsoever. Everything Andrew had done so far indicated that he really wasn’t bothered. It was easier to concentrate on Andrew’s question that attempt to bring any of that up, though.
“No,” Evan said without hesitation. In all the things that bothered him about his stutter, the fact that it happened around Andrew was not a concern. The opposite, really. Whilst Evan didn’t want it to happen, he rather it happened around Andrew than anyone else. “I trust you,” Evan told him honestly. “And I don’t think you think less of me for it,” he added, because that at least Evan did think to be true. Evan might not know why Andrew liked having him around so much, but he was smart enough to tell that Andrew clearly did.
--
“I don’t,” Andrew agreed, glad that Evan believed that much, at least. It was nice, too, that Evan trusted him. It felt similar to Evan building him a blanket for so he wouldn’t be sad. “I trust you too.” Maybe not with everything, yet, but more than a lot of people. Andrew wouldn’t have invited just anyone over after Mothering Sunday. Even though he hadn’t actually talked about it, it was still more than he’d usually do to let anyone know he even felt sad at all about anything relating to his mum. He knew Ginny and Aisling had pieced together bits of it - Andrew wasn’t stupid enough not to know they noticed these things. He’d never actually told them, though, or directly asked for comfort from them for that reason. “If it’s not bothering you, maybe we can chalk this up to one of those things we can’t explain,” Andrew offered. Did that sound like Andrew was saying they should end the conversation? Suddenly he worried that it did. “We can still talk about it,” he clarified. “I just - maybe it’ll become clear slowly, rather than right away.”
Thinking about his mum and how much Evan did or didn’t know about her so far had reminded Andrew that he was going to have to see her again soon. He turned to face Evan, so they were both lying on their sides with Andrew’s hand still resting in Evan’s hair. “Can I book you and the blanket fort tent for the night of Easter Monday?” he asked quietly. It was a conscious offer of that trust, on Andrew’s part, to say he knew in advance that he would be sad, to give Evan another of the pieces that would lead to him figuring it out whether Andrew explicitly told him or not.
--
It did sound a little bit like Andrew was suggesting they not talk about it any longer, but then he clarified and Evan nodded. “That makes sense,” he agreed. Evan didn’t actually mind not talking about it any longer, not when they didn’t have an end-point to arrive at since neither of them really knew why Evan stuttered in this particular situation. Evan knew enough about stuttering to know that a lot of it was brought on by things like nerves and uneven breathing, both of which played some role in being naked with Andrew. Still, it wasn’t like Evan felt a great need to find out the exact reason, not when Andrew didn’t seem to mind. Quite honestly, Evan thought, if Andrew did at any point mind it, he’d just stop seeing Evan or get into situations with Evan where the stutter might become a problem. Not to mention the fact that Evan doubted he’d want to get in those kind of situations with someone who outright minded the fact that Evan might stutter.
Evan’s own hand rested on Andrew’s bare waist as they turned to lie on their sides, his other hand tucked underneath his head as a small frown appeared on Evan’s face at Andrew’s question. “I’m not a train, Andrew, you don’t have to book me,” he said thoughtfully. Evan mostly had the easiest of schedules anyway, most things he was able to rearrange or skip on any day, but Easter was especially free for him, since it was half-term at uni and Evan had already done all of his assignments. “Will you tell me why you need the tent of disappearing sadness then?” Evan asked carefully. “You don’t have to,” he added, because Andrew didn’t have to. Evan would come if Andrew asked him to, he didn’t need to explain why but it didn’t mean that Evan wouldn’t wonder. Maybe he just really hated Easter, Evan supposed.
--
It was a perfectly fair question. It should probably have been a predictable question, even, but if anyone else had ever asked it Andrew had ducked away from it. “You have a family,” Andrew pointed out. “And friends. And school. I shouldn’t just assume you’re free because I want you to be.” Easter was only two weeks away, and Evan could easily have been doing something with his family. It sounded like Evan didn’t have anything planned, though, so Andrew smiled - though there wasn’t much actual happiness in it. As much as it would help to have Evan there, Andrew still didn’t relish the prospect of being sad enough to smile about it.
“Is that what we’re calling it?” he teased. “The tent of disappearing sadness? Catchy. You could market it.” He was - obviously - stalling without an answer to the key question Evan had actually asked. Would he tell Evan? Andrew honestly didn’t know where he would begin. With his mum? With her church? With Andrew being gay, or being a wizard, or being a rock star? It helped, that Evan said he didn’t have to explain, because thinking about explaining made Andrew sad, and he didn’t want to be sad right now. Andrew curled closer to Evan, as if that would protect against complex and negative emotions. He breathed out slowly, resting his forehead against Evan’s shoulder. “I don’t think I could explain it all at once,” he said honestly. He really thought that would be too much - and he didn’t want to mislead Evan into thinking whatever piece of it he could explain was the whole of it. Except, he still didn’t know where to start.
He swallowed, fingertips tracing restless patterns on Evan’s skin where his hands rested. “It’s hard going back to Lerwick,” he said at last, the words not exactly specific enough to clear things up. “Mum always -” He stopped. His mum didn’t make him go to church, though that was the easier lie to tell. He went because he loved her, because it was important to her. “We go to church, when I’m there. Especially at Easter, and Mothering Sunday.” His hands tightened, momentarily. This was hard. Maybe he shouldn’t have started with this after all. “Mum’s church friends, they don’t know I’m gay. She doesn’t want them to.” And if it had just been that, Andrew could have respected it. Maybe.
--
Well, yes, obviously Evan had family and friends and things, but he also had an Andrew, and Evan was quite happy to spend time with him instead. “I’m free,” Evan said instead of telling Andrew how he shouldn’t worry whether Evan was or was not free, because Evan would make time for him. To Evan that seemed quite obvious, especially from his eagerness to spend time with Andrew as it was. He did also smile a little when Andrew suggested he marketed the Tent of Disappearing Sadness. Perhaps it would be an excellent product, especially if it did make other people’s sadness disappear, too, but Evan didn’t want other people to have it. He didn’t want others to be sad, but he had built this for Andrew and it seemed... something. It seemed something to reproduce it for mass marketing.
Evan offered a small nod when Andrew said that he didn’t think he could explain it all at once. That was fair. Evan knew all too well that explaining things, especially emotions could be very hard. If Andrew wanted to talk about it, Evan would listen, but he did also realise that maybe Andrew wouldn’t want to talk to Evan about things like that, since Evan wasn’t great at, well, understanding. This was perhaps emphasised when Andrew started talking about home, about his mum and about church. And then about how he couldn’t - wasn’t allowed to? - tell people at home he was gay. Evan didn’t really understand any of that.
There were a lot of questions going through Evan’s head. Why would Andrew’s mum not want her friends to know Andrew was gay? What difference did it make to her or her friends? Why would Andrew even care what his mum’s friends thought? Why would he care what she thought? Was that what made him sad? The fact that his mum didn’t want her friends to know Andrew was gay? Or was it that they didn’t know that made him sad? Or perhaps churchgoing made Andrew sad? Why would his mum even make him got to church? Did Andrew believe in the things they said in churches? If it made him sad, why did he still go? Evan really wasn’t sure where to start with that information, which perhaps accounted for what he did ask and for why no one should ever talk to Evan about their feelings.
“Does Jesus make you sad?”
--
This was not a question Andrew could have predicted - and it startled a laugh out of him that he hoped wasn’t going to offend Evan. Andrew didn’t even know how to answer that. “No?” He said, shaking his head slightly against Evan’s shoulder. “I don’t - believe in Jesus anymore.” Jesus, religion, church, they were things that were supposed, in their purest form, to make people happy. They hadn’t worked like that for Andrew, not since he was eleven or twelve. And though they might work like that for other people that believed in them, it still meant excluding other people who didn’t fit, making them unhappy. That was probably a conversation they didn’t need to get into right now because whether organised religious was a force for good or not didn’t have a direct bearing on why Andrew was going to be sad in a couple of weeks.
Andrew felt like he really hadn’t explained anything, which was frustrating because it had been so hard to get the words out - and now apparently he needed to continue? “It’s - tiring,” he said, “pretending to be something I’m not. It’s not something I’ve ever wanted to do and I guess…” The more he talked, the less the words wanted to come. Maybe there was a reason Andrew had never tried to explain this to anyone. His face felt too hot where he hid it against Evan’s shoulder. “I hate that I do it. But I understand why she wants me to. And I love her, so I do.” But why didn’t she love him enough not to ask it of him? That was a question he wasn’t ready to voice aloud.
His shoulders slumped and he pulled away from Evan, rolling onto his back and staring, unseeing, at the stars overhead. “I don’t think I’m making sense,” he said. He didn’t know how he could make it make sense to Evan, or anyone. “Maybe I just can’t explain this one either.”
--
When Andrew laughed at his question, Evan smiled softly. It hadn’t been a very good question, but he was pleased that it hadn’t offended Andrew. He was also pleased that it wasn’t Jesus who made Andrew sad because Evan didn’t think he had enough time in the world to explain why that would have been utterly ridiculous. And not that Evan would admit it, but Andrew saying that he didn’t believe in Jesus made Evan feel better. Religion was weird and Evan didn’t understand it. Well, he understood the logistics of it, had read plenty of information on it, but he just didn’t get it. The way Andrew added an ‘anymore’ at the end of that statement made Evan want to ask more questions, but he bit his lip not to, listening to what Andrew said next instead.
Getting tired from pretending to be someone you weren’t made sense to Evan. He could understand the logistics of that statement. What he couldn’t understand was why Andrew pretended if it made him tired. The idea that Andrew would pretend because he loved his mum seemed absurd to Evan. But not as absurd as Andrew saying that he understood why his mum asked him to pretend. “I don’t understand that at all,” Evan said openly and almost harshly. It seemed an awful thing to make someone do and it made Evan feel anger towards Andrew’s mum for even asking for such a thing. If Evan was perfectly honest, it also made him angry that Andrew would be okay with doing so.
Evan watched as Andrew rolled over, his hand sliding across Andrew’s body to still on his stomach once Andrew was flat on his back. “No, I follow your explanation,” Evan said with a small shake of his head. The structure was not the issue here, the content was. “Why would you put up with that?” Evan asked finally. “I know you said ‘love’ but that seems like a really stupid reason,” Evan added with a frown. “You shouldn’t be with people who don’t like you for who you are. Choose not to like you because of something so--” Evan paused, taking a deep breath. “Fucking trivial,” he finally breathed out. Parents weren’t meant to make you pretend you were someone other than you. And if they did? Well, Evan didn’t really have a great deal of patience for people who wanted to tell him how he should live his life.
--
At first, Andrew wasn’t sure what Evan didn’t understand - but he didn’t sound pleased about it and Andrew almost apologised for pretending. He’d never been comfortable with it, and at school and in the wizarding world Andrew almost aggressively refused to hide his sexuality. He wouldn’t even have blamed Evan for being upset with him for that. But then Evan clarified and Andrew sighed, closing his eyes as Evan refused to break contact between them. He shouldn’t be with people who didn’t like him for who he was - but if only it was that easy. If it weren’t for his mum, he would be perfectly happy never to see her church friends again, he wouldn’t spend time with them if they couldn’t accept his sexuality.
“I only have to see them a few times a year,” he said, mentally sidestepping the actual issue. “She has to see them every week, and they’re her friends and if they knew she’d feel awkward around them. Like they were judging her.” Andrew’s face was curiously blank on the last words. “I don’t lie. I don’t say I’ve got a girlfriend when I haven’t.” And until Mothering Sunday, Andrew had been honestly able to say he was single when they asked. So he didn’t directly lie. Only by omission, by politely not correcting them when they asked about ‘nice girls’ he might meet. “Mum knows,” he clarified, feeling that it was important. He wasn’t such a coward that he hadn’t come out. He wasn’t closeted. Not really. But Andrew didn’t feel like it was trivial. Logically, he could see how Evan might say so - it was just who he slept with, right? He frowned and shook his head again, lifting a hand to cover Evan’s on his stomach, tugging it up to rest against his sternum.
And if Evan felt this irritated about this, how would he react if Andrew told him his mum didn’t want him talking about magic? Not just to muggles, that was a law, but to her. Not well. And Evan’s anger was just - uncomfortable. For reasons Andrew couldn’t explore right now. Maybe they shouldn’t talk about this. But Andrew would rather do it now than do it after a full weekend with his mum. “I love her,” Andrew said again. “I want her to be happy. That’s not a stupid reason.”
--
Evan really didn’t see how Andrew’s mum’s shitty choice in friends was something that Andrew should be concerned with. Let them judge her, he wanted to say but then Andrew was saying how his mum knew that he was gay and if anything that just made Evan more annoyed about the whole thing. He had thought of asking whether Andrew had told his mum that it made him unhappy to pretend but how could she not know? How could anyone actively demand someone hide, pretend just because their friends might not like it? To Evan there was no logic in it and it wasn’t helped at all by Andrew saying that he loved his mum, wanted her to be happy. To Evan that seemed like a really stupid reason.
All in all, Evan was actually somewhat proud to not start by saying just how stupid he found Andrew’s reasoning. Evan didn’t think of Andrew as stupid and it was unfair for him to undermine Andrew’s feelings by saying that they were wrong. Despite the fact that Evan did think they were. Instead, he squeezed Andrew’s hand in what Evan hoped might be perceived as a comforting fashion. “If someone makes me unhappy, I don’t talk to them,” Evan decided to say instead. “I don’t see the point in trying to make someone happy if they will not return the same effort,” he explained. To Evan relationships mostly functioned in black and white. He knew the greys existed but wasn’t too sure what the point of them was.
“I want to make you happy,” Evan said softly. “I want you to not be sad, I want you to feel good whether because of me or in general and I am willing to do things so that could happen,” he explained, thinking carefully what he chose to say. “I do that because I genuinely think you want to do that for me, too,” and he did, had seen nothing to the contrary. “If that stopped being true,” Evan paused. There wasn’t really a nice way to say it, but then it wasn’t nice what he was aiming for. “I’d stop talking to you,” he concluded. “What’s the point in putting so much effort into someone who won’t return it?” Evan asked honestly having no clue what the answer would be, because in Evan’s life there wouldn’t even be a question like that.
--
“I don’t make her happy,” Andrew said softly, frowning. He knew that wasn’t what Evan had meant, but it was the first thing that jumped to mind, because he knew he didn’t. He knew it, even if he rarely admitted it to himself. To make her happy he’d have to be an entirely different person. He’d have to change things that were unalterable - or he’d have to pretend to. “Should she just stop talking to me?” Andrew didn’t want that. “That wouldn’t make me less sad,” he said, in case Evan was about to suggest that that was the logical course of action. It might make him less… tired, but it would hurt more if she’d cut him out of her life entirely. She could have. Andrew had read about parents who had.
Evan talking about not seeing him anymore wasn’t exactly cheerful, because Andrew wasn’t at all confident that he wouldn’t stop making Evan happy one day. He didn’t intend to stop trying, but he couldn’t count on success, not all the time. “I do want to make you happy,” he said, looking at Evan, lacing their fingers together. “But sometimes I might make you sad by accident. Or without realising.” And yes, Evan would probably tell him rather than suffer in silence - but how many mistakes did Andrew get before Evan decided to walk away? That wasn’t supposed to be the point of their conversation, but Andrew wasn’t sure how to get back to the point. Or if he really wanted to.
“Mum and I are both putting effort in,” he insisted. Because she was, wasn’t she? She wanted Andrew to be happy. She just… didn’t believe he could be, living this life. And Andrew hoped she was wrong about that. He’d been happy this past month, with Evan. His mum wouldn’t understand that. And he hated that he couldn’t tell her about Evan, that she wouldn’t be happy for him.
--
Somehow the idea that Andrew didn’t make his mum happy and in turn she didn’t make him happy almost made Evan think that there was a logic in why Andrew still saw her then. If Evan presumed that people should not try to make someone happy if the other person wasn’t returning it, then he had to accept that perhaps both parties making each other unhappy was also fair. Personally, he would never enter such a social situation, but Evan could recognise that there could be a presumed merit. Not that he thought there was an actual merit, but plenty of people seemed to do things for the presumptions and potential outcomes. Evan also couldn’t really understand why Andrew wouldn’t feel happier by not seeing his mum, but that was probably not something he could question. Not right now, at least.
“I make people sad accidentally all the time,” Evan said instead with a small shrug. He knew he did, he knew that often he’d ask the wrong thing, say something that was true but apparently not okay to say. Even didn’t intend to make people sad, though. “You haven’t done anything to indicate that you would,” he told Andrew. So far everything about Andrew’s actions had made Evan feel nice. He was willing to recognise that there might be mistakes and misunderstandings, those happened to everyone, but especially to Evan. “But you explain things to me, and that helps a lot,” he added feeling that he needed to say it. “And you would realise, because I’d tell you,” Evan concluded with another shrug, leaning in to press a soft kiss against Andrew’s cheek. Evan had no doubt that he could tell Andrew if at any point Andrew upset him unintentionally, because Andrew had done nothing to imply that Evan couldn’t.
At Andrew’s words that both him and his mum did put effort in, Evan hummed softly. He didn’t believe that but he was willing to accept that Andrew did. “And you’ve told her that pretending makes you upset?” He asked softly. As much as Evan was willing to cut out people from his life if they made him upset or confused intentionally, he also thought that they should be told. Not that Evan was convinced he had ever really tried to explain to James how the way he teased Evan felt like a personal attack, so perhaps the question made him somewhat of a hypocrite.
--
At Evan’s kiss, Andrew turned his head to meet it, taking comfort in the fact that Evan was still willing to kiss him. It was a small gesture, but it helped. “I haven’t yet,” he said, brows drawing together. He couldn’t, off the top of his head, think what he might do to upset Evan - but no one was perfect enough not to upset people sometimes. “But I’ve only really known you for a month. Just because I haven’t made you sad so far doesn’t mean I’m never going to.” He really hoped Evan wasn’t hoping for or expecting that, but he didn’t think he was. Evan was too logical. He nodded when Evan confirmed what Andrew had already guessed - that Evan would tell him if there was ever anything Andrew did that made him unhappy. “Right,” he agreed. “You’ll tell me and I’ll learn not to do it again - and I’ll fix it, if I can, or try to cheer you up again.” Andrew hoped it would never come down to having to choose between making Evan sad and doing something that was important to him.
Andrew had to think for a while about the question, try to recall the first time he’d gone home after coming out. The details were hazy. He’d assumed his mum wouldn’t want him at church, been surprised when she’d invited him along as she usually did. A lot of the arguments Andrew had just given - that he only had to see these people a few times a year while his mum saw them every week - had come originally for her. Andrew could remember what she’d said, but not so clearly his own response. “Not lately,” he said at last. He’d been annoyed the first time, he thought. Not quite angry but definitely irritated. He’d been still a teenager then, he’d thought his way was the right way and everything ought to be simple. “I don’t think it would make any difference.” He couldn’t imagine his mum would turn around and let him tell everyone just because it made him upset. The best he could hope for was that she’d stop inviting him to church - which didn’t feel like something positive, to Andrew.
“I don’t really talk about it to her,” he said. That hadn’t seemed strange, because he figured most people didn’t talk to their mums about their sex life. He didn’t mention the wizarding world’s LGBT press either, but that was because he didn’t mention the wizarding world. Now, though… Since he and Evan weren’t doing traditional dating there was no need for Evan to meet his mum, but it would have been nice to be able to mention him, maybe.
--
“Yes,” Evan agreed that they had only known each other for a month. That was true. Evan did press his nose against Andrew’s face, though, smiling slightly. “Intensely,” he added because that, too, was true. They might have only known each other for a month but they had seen a lot of each other in that month. There were people Evan had known for years who he felt like he understood less than he understood Andrew. Not that Evan was in any way claiming to know exactly how Andrew thought and operated, but there were plenty of people in Evan’s life who confused him a lot more than he thought Andrew could ever manage to. Evan run a line of soft kisses against Andrew’s neck when he said that he’d learn not to do whatever he might have to upset Evan in the future. It was nice of him to say that, Evan thought. He wouldn’t actually expect it, but the idea that Andrew might want to learn the way Evan thought and operated was very nice.
When Andrew said that he didn’t think telling his mum that he felt upset would make a difference, Evan had to bite the inside of his cheek so he wouldn’t give an exasperated sigh. It should, he thought. Knowing something you did upset other people wasn’t easy to accept, Evan knew that from personal experience. But he also knew that you could try not to do that. The idea that it would make no difference to you at all angered Evan more so than he would’ve expected. Evan wasn’t sure if it was because he felt it illogical and unfair or because it made Andrew sad. He suspected the latter more so than the former.
It also wasn’t really surprising to Evan when Andrew told him that he didn’t really talk to his mum about this. Evan wasn’t stupid enough not to gather those contextual clues by himself. “I’m sorry I don’t get it,” he said for literally a lack of anything more to say. To Evan it all seemed so simple. If someone makes you do things you don’t want to, makes you unhappy, you don’t talk to them. That apparently wasn’t the way Andrew understood the situation and Evan didn’t know why, but he felt that perhaps they weren’t going to find a solution or even a compromise right now. So instead, Evan moved slightly so he could kiss Andrew better, letting his lips linger on Andrew’s for a while.
“I’ll spend the night of Easter Monday with you,” Evan said when he finally pulled back. That had been the original question and whilst Evan kind of wished he hadn’t asked for an explanation because it made him confused, he also at no point had intended to decline the request. Evan would probably spend every night up until and including Easter Monday with Andrew if he asked.
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Evan’s kisses were a very pleasant, and very effective, distraction from Andrew’s thoughts. It was hard to be angry at himself or sad about his mum when Evan’s mouth was warm against Andrew’s neck, his body still so close under the blankets. “It’s okay,” he murmured when Evan’s lips released his. “I don’t need you to get it. I just want you to be with me.” And when Evan couldn’t be, because he did have plans and a life, Andrew would still have a blanket fort. He smiled, feeling that same tight feeling in his chest that he’d tried to describe earlier. For all Andrew didn’t need Evan to understand, he could guess that Evan still wanted to. Andrew was sure they’d talk about it again, though he wasn’t confident he could ever really make Evan understand. “It’s weird,” he said. “It feels… nice that you want to understand, but I still don’t really like talking about it.” He frowned and shook his head. That wasn’t quite right. “Maybe it just feels nice that I trust you enough to let you try?” That was closer to the truth. “Even if I haven’t done a very good job.”
Andrew sighed, running his hand up Evan’s arm, then down from his shoulder to his waist. “Thank you. I apologise in advance if all I want to do is cuddle.” He laughed, the word sounding odd from his own lips, but it seemed the most appropriate word for how they’d spent the night after Mothering Sunday. “At least there’ll be chocolate in the house for us to eat.” Andrew would have to remember to stash a couple of eggs in his room so they didn’t get eaten before Monday night.