Alicia Spinnet {don't get caught on her edges} (moreofarelapse) wrote in reduxpitch, @ 2016-02-08 15:56:00 |
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The journal conversation Higgs had shared with Alicia was perhaps a touch more awkward than he had both expected and anticipated for. Up until she had said that it was nice that he made some effort to distinguish her from his other girlfriends, Higgs hadn’t really given the whole thing much of a thought. To him it seemed rather amusing that the Prophet told the world that Higgs was dating four women at once, especially when he hadn’t done much more than take them out for drinks or dinner. Only one of those had been an actual date, and it had been with the woman Higgs had married. There really wasn’t a competition when it came to Alicia, and Higgs had presumed she’d know this. His habit of flirting with everyone he encountered had never been a problem before, because there wasn’t actually anyone he wanted to date apart from Alicia. He was glad she hadn’t turned down his dinner invitation, or well, him inviting himself over to cook for her. Higgs hadn’t ever cooked for Alicia a great deal, since she had always been the one to insist on providing him with meals. Mostly, Higgs had put up with it because it seemed like what she had wanted, but after their marriage had fallen apart, he had questioned whether that was the right choice. It was one of the reasons he had now asked if he could cook for her instead. There wasn’t a great deal of dishes Higgs could cook, but the ones he did know how, personally, he thought were rather good. Curry was one of those dishes that Higgs had learned quite well, travelling around the world had taught him how to use a selection of spices in food and do it well. The produce was usually rather easy to secure and he had got two shopping bags full of different vegetables and spices before showing up at Alicia’s. After greetings, he was now stood in Alicia’s kitchen, doing a rather good job at ignoring the thought at the back of his mind that this used to be his kitchen, too. The pan was getting hot on the stove, as Higgs chopped up the vegetables, seasoning them as he went. There was a mug of tea next to him on the counter that he’d sip ever so often and everything felt rather domestic. “How spicy is too spicy for you?” He asked over his shoulder, throwing Alicia a small glance. -- Alicia...really wanted to be okay with everything. She was trying very hard to be okay with everything. But apparently she was having trouble getting around the fact that she did not have as easy a relationship with Terence as the other women in his life did. It wasn’t that she had a problem with him going out with them, she knew he was trying to make it work with her and that none of his other relationships were romantic. She knew that. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that she felt like every move had to be calculated, like their relationship was in such a precarious position that the wrong action or thing said would send it toppling down and end it. Like her comment in the journal. Alicia knew she was being childish. She did. But now so did he, and she didn’t feel like she could disagree with anything he said or wanted to do because she didn’t want to be a problem. Whatever rationality she possessed told her how stupid that was, but instead of making her feel better, it made her feel worse. It didn’t help that when she agreed to dinner with him, she’d forgotten about lunch with her sister and her mother. She couldn’t back out, but she also couldn’t force herself to be particularly pleasant and happy. Claiming she didn’t feel well, she managed to get out of the house early, just in time to lie down in her own flat and take a nap she hadn’t intended to take. Then suddenly Terence was there and he was cooking and moving around the kitchen and she felt very, very useless. Cooking had always been her thing, and if she’d actually enjoyed doing it that much, she’d have felt justified in asking if she could help, but she didn’t enjoy it that much. She just didn’t like doing nothing. “I can handle some spice,” she told him honestly from her seat at the table, not really answering the question. She knew he was asking about the amount of spice she liked to eat, not just what she could stand, but if he wanted spicier, she didn’t want to hold him back from enjoying his own food. Had she not messed up the day before, and been more confident in her position with him, she’d have asked to taste it as he seasoned, but she was even less sure of their stability than she’d been on Wednesday night. She just...didn’t want to be a problem for him. -- The ambiguity of Alicia’s answer made Higgs sigh a little, probably too quietly to really be noticeable. He was able to tell that something was off between them but he really wasn’t sure what and it bothered him. Not that asking seemed like the best plan, mostly since Higgs wasn’t too sure how to ask. So instead, he shook his head. “Well, I would prefer you to actually enjoy the food,” he replied somewhat sarcastically, before picking up one of the peppers he was currently seasoning and turning around to walk to where Alicia was sat at the table. “Here,” he said holding it out to for her to try. He watched carefully, waiting for her to eat it so he could judge her facial expression, since it didn’t seem like she was particularly inclined to tell him. Higgs really wasn’t sure what it was that he was meant to do or say to get a response. More of a response than ambiguity, at least. He honestly didn’t think that the whole thing with the Prophet was what had made her close up, but Higgs also wasn’t sure what was. It wasn’t like she would magically feel better overnight, he knew that, and he hardly expected her to, but perhaps Higgs had hoped she’d at least talk to him about whatever it might be that upset her. Perhaps it was still too new, whatever it was that was going on between them. “You know you can tell me if you don’t like it, right?” He finally asked for a lack of anything better to say. Higgs wasn’t really sure whether that was it, whether getting her to criticise his cooking abilities were the answer he was looking for but it’d probably be better than nothing. -- She wanted nothing more than to be confident in their relationship, to know that she wasn't going to mess it up by saying the wrong thing. That would be the best way to ensure she didn't mess it up. But Alicia did not know where the line was between open enough and being too honest, and she was trying desperately to stay firmly away from too much. The last thing she wanted was for him to think all she did was complain, or that he had to be her babysitter. She just...had never really known how to balance anything, let alone her emotions or relationships. She took the pepper and bit into it. Unable to totally keep her expression blank under his watchful gaze, even with her hand over her mouth, she replied, “Maybe a little hot? But it's good.” If he didn't season it further, she could still eat it and be just fine; she wouldn't even need to gulp water or anything. So it wasn't like she was really lying. It was a little hot for her. But it wasn't so much so that she'd have mentioned it if he hadn't specifically asked and stared at her. “I know.” Now that was a lie, because at this point she didn't feel like she could criticize his cooking, but she probably wouldn't have said much anyway even if she did. No one liked to be told they'd made something awful! --- Higgs shook his head slightly when she said that it was good, if a little hot. The slight sense of irritation was slowly settling his stomach as Alicia kept refusing to give him a proper opinion. “Right, coconut milk then,” he replied instead, moving to add some to the pan. It would soften the food, leave the spice but make it taste less spicy, besides she could always add more to her individual plate if it ended up still being too hot. Not that Higgs was too sure right now that she would. He threw the chopped peppers into the pan alongside the green beans that had been slowly cooking already. “If you know,” Higgs said over his shoulder as he added mushrooms to the pan. “Then maybe you can tell me what I’m doing wrong here?” He asked once all the vegetables were in the pan, cooking away as Higgs turned around to look at Alicia. As far as he could tell, Higgs was doing something wrong but he wasn’t too impressed with the fact that it felt like had to drag it out of her. It wasn’t even a question of honesty, Higgs was sure. There was something else and it really bothered him that he couldn’t figure out what. Because she wasn’t telling him. -- She could feel his frustration-he wasn’t the only one feeling it. But she didn't know how to stop what she was doing, not without letting him know how completely ridiculous she was being inside her own head. That wasn't his problem, it was hers. She was the one who needed to deal with it and get over it. “What d’you mean, it tastes great,” Alicia responded, not entirely sure if he was talking about the food or something else. She was pretty sure Terence was much more perceptive than she gave him credit for, so there was a very distinct possibility he wasn't talking about food at all, but the fact that she was hiding things from him again. Which of course, had very little to do with anything he could or might be doing wrong, because he wasn't doing anything wrong at all. He was basically a perfect spouse and she was pretty convinced most of the time that George had been right about him being too good for her. -- Higgs did, honest to god, roll his eyes at Alicia, and only marginally feel like a child for doing so. As much as he was glad that she didn’t say that the food tasted awful, Higgs wasn’t even too sure if he could believe her with that. And that really was going to be much more of a problem than her not wanting to say something to him. Higgs was trying, he really was trying to trust her. It wasn’t really the easiest of jobs in the world, not with their history. But she had said that she wanted to try and he wanted to try so why were they failing so early on? “Do you trust me?” Higgs asked instead, absent mindedly giving a stir to the vegetable in the pan, before putting it all on a lower heat and picking up his now rather lukewarm tea. The presumption, at least for Higgs, was that Alicia did trust him, or at least he hoped she did, but he felt that perhaps it was important to establish nonetheless. He wouldn’t have even minded if she didn’t because at least that would be something to work up from. -- The answer to that question should have been easy. It should have been ‘of course!’ Terence had never proven himself to be untrustworthy. He believed in honesty and being straight with her. If anyone in the world could be trusted, it was him. And yet. Yet, Alicia felt herself hesitating. Because ‘no’ wasn't really the honest answer either. Did she trust him with other women? Absolutely. Did she trust him not to decide she was too much work when she totally was? Not at all. The honest answer really depended on what they were talking about. She trusted him in general but she didn't trust him in all things, and the hard realization that no, she didn’t really, was a little painful. Now, she was pretty sure if she told him yes he wouldn't believe her, but she couldn't say no because she didn't want him to walk out the door. So she did something she hadn't done much in the week since they’d decided to fix things: she told the truth. “Mostly. Depends on what we're talking about.” It was as good as a no, but she hoped that he would take it as a leap of faith in him. Because by answering anything other than a very convincing yes, she was trusting he wouldn’t do what she expected him to do. -- At least she hadn’t asked it back, because after the question had left his mouth, Higgs realised that the truthful answer for him to tell her would have been that no, he didn’t really trust her. That was mostly because he didn’t really feel like he knew her as well as he wanted to, though; a realisation that in its own right was rather upsetting. But she didn’t ask, so he wasn’t obliged to think of a way to express himself that wouldn’t end up hurting her. Instead, she told him that she didn’t trust him, or well, that’s not what she said. Mostly trusting him was very different from not trusting him at all, so Higgs nodded at her reply. He wasn’t sure what the ‘mostly’ represented. It didn’t seem like she thought he’d sleep with someone else, no matter what the gossip magazines said. Alicia knew Higgs too well for that, he hoped, or at least she would have know that he had spent just as much time taking other women out for dinners when they had been together. A lot of Higgs’ friends were female, he couldn’t help that, but he also had no romantic interest in any of them but Alicia, hadn’t had any since the day he met her. He’d told her as much when they were first together, worried that she might misinterpret his relationship with Pippa, or his insistent flirting with, well, everyone. Higgs wanted to know what it was that she didn’t trust him about or with, but he wasn’t sure how to ask that in a way that would actually get him an answer. “What are you afraid of?” He asked instead, in hopes that perhaps contextual clues might be of help here. -- It would probably take less time to list all the things Alicia wasn’t afraid of than to list the things she was. She could spend all day talking about the things that scared her. The irony did not escape her, either, that a girl who had been praised at work for being fearless had turned around and now feared basically everything but the physical stuff. She didn’t even remember when she’d become so fearful, though she could pinpoint the day it got worse: the day she told Terence they were done. After that, she gave in to her fears all the time, until she feared everything. She was ashamed of it, of herself. That she’d allowed herself to get like this in his absence, as though he’d been the only thing holding her together. He hadn’t been, but after she left him, she supposed that she no longer had a reason to hold it together. Now that he was back, she didn’t know how to go back and put the fear away. Nor did she know where to start answering his question. She could lie, tell him she wasn’t afraid of anything, but that would only make things worse, as would simply replying ‘a lot of things.’ In the end, as she looked anywhere but him, she knew she had to answer truthfully, because there was really no way out of it. “That I’m going to mess this up, that I’ll either be too open or not open enough, and you’ll see how much work I am and decide it’s not worth it.” -- At least that made sense, or rather, Higgs got where she was coming from with what she said. It also answered why to him Alicia felt so reserved in their interactions. He wasn’t too sure what she’d have to do to be too open, really, because frankness was probably something they could very much use in rebuilding their relationship. But he got that she felt like he might decide it wasn’t worth it. In all honesty, Higgs wasn’t sure what he would recommend to someone else in his position. Probably not what he’d recommend to himself, but then he didn’t mind. He wasn’t with her because he wanted to fix her, he wasn’t with her because he felt sorry for her, he wasn’t with her because she might be fine or she might be broken. Higgs was with her because he wanted to be. The rest mattered very little. “You are going to mess up,” he said rather suddenly, completely blankly as he looked at her. That was the truth, she would, but at the end of the day so would he. That was the whole point. He moved the pan off the hob, before walking over to her. “Alicia,” Higgs started, with a small shake of his head. “That’s fine,” he told her. “You will mess up, but so will I,” and he did honestly believe that, but surely if he was willing to take that risk so was she, right? “And we’re going to deal with that when it happens,” he added. “There’s no point in pre-emptively trying to fix something neither of us have done yet,” Higgs said, before reaching out and taking her hand, softly, gently, but strongly enough to make his presence known. Reassuring that Higgs did feel like she was worth it seemed useless when Alicia was clearly of the mindset that she wasn’t. It broke his heart a little bit that she didn’t see herself the way he saw her, but right here and right now, Higgs didn’t think he could do much about it. Maybe, hopefully, in the future. Perhaps this was something they could work on. “Do you really think you’re harder work now than you were when I married you?” He asked her softly, not really requiring an answer since it seemed that she clearly did. “I don’t care if you say too much, what I care about is if you hide things from me,” Higgs said, watching her carefully. -- It stung a little to hear that he knew she would mess up, but she knew what he meant. Mistakes happened. People were imperfect. Granted, some of them were more imperfect than others, but avoiding all mistakes was impossible. Alicia knew that, and it wasn’t quite what she meant. She didn’t mean she was afraid of messing up at all. She was afraid of messing up over and over, until one became the last straw and he decided he’d had enough, that all her mistakes and messing up would prove that she was more work than reward. And perhaps the problem with her thinking was that she just didn’t understand how he saw her and their marriage. She only saw herself as a problem and a burden, but he accepted and loved her for her flaws, not in spite of them. Since Alicia didn’t think that way, she didn’t understand that others might, and so could only assume he would come to feel the same way about her that she felt about herself. “It was easier,” she said, eyes fixed on their hands so she wouldn’t look him in the eyes, “When nobody knew. It was easier to keep it...contained.” In many ways, she knew she really wasn’t more work, at least not for herself. She’d always been this bad when she was alone, always had these doubts and feelings. They’d just developed new ammunition after she left him. They were still developing new ammunition; as much as she wanted to always be in the present with Terence, it was nearly impossible to stop thinking about what she’d done to George. That was partly why she knew she’d be more work now. There was so much more baggage, and it was all out on the table now. Before, she’d kept a tight lid on it. No one had known. Now that she wasn’t trying very hard to contain it, it was nearly impossible to make any headway. It was like she’d lost all her practice, and now she couldn’t hide how she felt about anything. -- Has it been easier? Because Higgs would question that greatly. Yes, he only ever really saw Alicia when she was happy and perhaps that’s why he never noticed enough when she wasn’t, but easier? Nobody knowing, as far as Higgs could tell, was one of the reasons their marriage had originally crumbled. He had many regrets in regards to not noticing, or to not seeing it for how serious it was. Maybe if he had, they wouldn’t have ended the way they did. Higgs liked to think that he could have done something, could have left the army earlier, could have been home for Alicia. But sooner or later he was going to have to let go of that guilt, it just probably wasn’t going to be immediately. Higgs looked down at their hands, followed her gaze, before shaking his head slightly, bringing his free hand up to Alicia’s chin to push her head up so she would look at him. “I want to know,” he told her kindly. There was no lie in what he said. Higgs cared to know for how Alicia felt, whether it be happy or sad. He felt incredibly helpless and it was frustrating, but that didn’t have anything to do with Alicia feeling like a problem or a bother, it made him feel sad, because she was unhappy. Still, Higgs didn’t think he made her unhappy, which was what really made a difference here. Higgs knew that Alicia’s unhappiness, her darker thoughts and feelings, those weren’t caused by him, which meant that he didn’t have to leave, he didn’t have to remove himself as if he were a problem. “I want you to trust me when I say that I want to work for this,” Higgs told her, making sure she did look at him as he said it. “But I need to know that so do you, pet,” he added. And that was really what it was going to come down to, Higgs couldn’t do this on his own, he couldn’t manage to drag them both through this, not without her helping him. And he really did want her to help him. -- Alicia wanted that too. She wanted to be able to trust him more than anything, even when she couldn’t trust herself. She wanted him to be there, to believe that she and their marriage were worth it. She knew she would work hard for him, because he was worth it and he made her happy, but when the problem was all her, was that really fair to him? If they spent all their time fixing her, where did that leave him? Would it still be worth it to him if all of this was about fixing her? “What if I don’t have anything to give back? All of this...it’s not fair for you to give and help me when I can’t give it back.” Because that was part of the problem. Alicia felt like this whole attempt at fixing her and their marriage would be one-sided, that she would be the one to receive the direct results of the work and he wouldn’t. And sure, if he loved her then it would be rewarding just to see her better and happy--but would that be enough? Everything was always about her--her mistakes, her brokenness, fixing her--and she was tired of it. She didn’t want everything to be about her problems. She was an adult, she should be able to handle them, if not all on her own, then with minimal assistance, and she should certainly be able to take care of herself without needing anyone to check up on her. Everyone else seemed to be able to do it, so why was it so hard for her? -- Was it unfair? Higgs wasn’t sure. Firstly, he hadn’t actually at any point thought of this as him not getting something back. He hadn’t been looking to get anything back. Before they had agreed to try and see if they could mend their marriage, Higgs had insisted that Alicia go running with him. That hadn’t been to get something from her. Was he happy that they had agreed to see if their marriage could still work? Yes. Had that been his intention originally? Certainly not. Higgs had wanted to help Alicia get her fire back, it had made his heart ache to see her the way she was, but not because he felt that she needed to be fixed. Higgs didn’t believe in people being broken and needing fixing, he really didn’t. Help, yes. But that was different. Everyone needed help at some point in their lives, people were just too scared to ask for it. “I like spending time with you,” he told her with a small smile. Yes, perhaps right now Alicia wasn’t the greatest company in the world, but then Higgs didn’t quite expect anyone who felt ill to be a great company. He wouldn’t have asked for anything else from someone who had the flu. Higgs wasn’t too sure how this differed, but that might have also been a difference in his upbringing. “You’re not well, and that’s okay,” Higgs said with a small shrug as he let his hand drop by his side. If anything, it probably would have been unfair of him to expect her to currently give much back, especially when he didn’t require it. With a small sigh, Higgs let go of her hand, going back to the cooker to finish off the food before they had to abandon it altogether. “I’ve always enjoyed your company,” he told her, slightly louder, more conversationally this time. “I like it when you argue with me, I like it when you’re not afraid to say things,” because those were true statement. It was why Higgs was becoming increasingly frustrated with Alicia being so careful in what she said. He honestly rather she said something that he felt comfortable objecting to than nothing at all, so he, too, had to watch every word, almost as if it would break something fragile. It wouldn’t, it shouldn’t. “None of my other girlfriends make me feel like my stomach is doing a somersault when I look at them,” he added, this time with more of a grin, that Higgs was sure she could here even though he wasn’t looking at her, stirring the vegetables in the pan instead, as it slowly heated up once more. -- While it was very nice to hear that she still inspired physical reactions in him just by being looked at, the rest of what he said didn’t really make her feel better. She probably wasn’t explaining herself very well. If relationships were partnerships, both sides had to give and take equally; not at the same time, obviously, but in the end, things had to even out. Alicia needed to feel like she had something to give back to him. That had been part of the problem with George, why she let him go. Their entire relationship had been about her taking from him and giving nothing in return. She hadn’t even been able to give him a label for their relationship, and the fact that he insisted that was enough was the reason she couldn’t have chosen him. It wasn’t equal, and it wasn’t healthy. She wanted to feel equal, and she’d had that with Terence, even with all the other stuff going on. “That’s not enough. That could change at the drop of a hat,” she said to his back. He said he liked when she wasn’t afraid to say things, so she was saying things. Maybe if she talked more, she’d be able to get him to understand what she meant, why she didn’t trust him to leave like any normal person would. “I take from people. Especially the ones I’m in relationships with. It’s apparently what I do. If I can’t give some of that back to you...then eventually you won’t like spending time with me, and you won’t enjoy my company. I will be a leech and you will be drained and I don’t want that. I want to feel like I’m in this for more than just me.” -- There was something between them that was getting lost, Higgs was sure. He had no idea what it was, but he was sure there was something. But at least they were finally talking about things that made a difference, or could make a difference. Personally, Higgs didn’t think she was taking from him. He had a particular idea of how people should be with each other and he hadn’t really ever felt like Alicia wasn’t willing to offer as much as he did. Yeah, he wouldn’t deny that currently he had to offer support to her, but Higgs really didn’t think that that would always be the case or that Alicia would be unwilling to do the same for him. If he had thought that, he probably wouldn’t have gotten together with her in the first place. Higgs didn’t say anything at all for a moment, whilst he located some plates and laid them out on the side of the counter, placing some rice in both of them, before pouring the curry over it. Finally, both plates in hand, he walked back to the table, laying them down next to the cutlery they’d set out earlier. “So what is it that you want, then?” Higgs asked as he took a seat at the table, picking up one of the forks. “I can’t really apologise for not having a boyfriend I can break up with and cry on you about,” he said and that was harsh, Higgs knew that was harsh but it didn’t make it any less true. He didn’t have the sort of sadness Alicia had creep into her thoughts. Perhaps there were other things he could have brought up, but they’d certainly need a lot more trust between them for Higgs to even consider that. “Is it really so hard to see why I might want to be with you?” He asked tilting his head slightly, the question more genuine that Higgs had realised before asking it. “I’ve always thought I’m a pretty good judge of character,” he added. Higgs had never doubted what he thought about people, he was always willing to readapt his opinions but those tended to only be the ones he had made judgmentally in the first place. -- Alicia had to work very hard not to shut down on him. That reaction was exactly the reason she felt like a burden, why she didn’t want to open up, to him or anyone else. She didn’t need anyone to point out how ridiculous she was being, because she already knew it. He’d asked for honesty, and now that she was giving it to him, she felt like she was being judged for it. Part of her wanted to just call it a day and send him home, to give up, if it was going to be like this. Had it been anyone else, she probably would have. But the part of her that liked to argue with him and the part that couldn’t let things go kept her at the table and stirred a little anger in her. “Apparently not as good as you thought,” she replied, ignoring the food in front of her that she wasn’t really hungry for anymore. “Is that what you think? That I’m upset because I lost a boyfriend? I don’t give a shit that I’m not sleeping with him anymore. That’s not what any of it was about.” Terence made it sound so...trivial. Like she was upset because she’d gotten broken up with, not at all like she’d taken her best friend’s heart and smashed it into a million pieces because she was selfish and wanted everything. “I lied to my best friend. I knew he was in love with me, and I took advantage of him. I knowingly broke his heart. That’s the kind of person you married.” Honestly, Alicia could not have said why she fought for him to believe the worst in her when she really didn’t want him to. Maybe she just wanted validation for the way she felt about herself, for the guilt she carried. Maybe she was looking for him to tell her it wasn’t hating herself over. Maybe she just couldn’t get past the idea that he didn’t understand. Or maybe it was all of it or none of it. -- No, that wasn’t what he thought at all, actually and Higgs would have apologised, especially if she had chosen to ask him to leave. Was it trivialising what had happened? Yes, probably, but Higgs also wasn’t sure how he was expected to sum up what the actual problem was in a sentence. Did it make Alicia a bad person that she had broken George’s heart? Somewhat, probably, but she hadn’t done it intentionally, Higgs was sure of that. Circumstantially, yes, that is exactly what had happened. She had lied to Weasley and she had broken his heart, but those things happened. They just did and very few people intentionally set out to hurt someone. Alicia wasn’t one of those people and Higgs refused to believe that she was no matter how much she might have insisted he should. “So what you’re saying is that I didn’t marry a perfect person,” he said, his own food similarly awaiting untouched. Higgs wasn’t angry but there was a certain frustration in him over this whole conversation. Not even with her, even though logically he felt that perhaps he could be frustrated with her. No, he was just frustrated with himself because he didn’t know how to say what he meant. There had to be better words than the ones he could come up with, and perhaps a better person wouldn’t have thrown that so casually back in her face, at least not so soon after the fact. He tapped the table with his fork, before giving a shake of his head and actually having some of the food, because fuck it, Higgs really wasn’t sure where he was going with this conversation. After a moment, having chewed his food, he glanced at Alicia thoughtfully. “Did you?” He asked her, because quite frankly if she thought that he had been under an illusion of her being perfect when he married her, Higgs wondered what she thought of him. Because Higgs was far from perfect, perhaps if he had been they would have had an easier ride. -- The question made Alicia pause and diffused her anger, but didn’t upset or sadden her. It made her think. Perfect was probably not the right word. After all, no one was perfect. Academically, she knew that. In practice, however, she couldn’t quite pinpoint his flaws. Physically, she couldn’t complain, and never had. Even his scars were a part of him that made him who he was. As for his personality...she had no idea what his flaws might be. As far as Alicia was concerned, Terence was kind and thoughtful and honest. He surprised her and encouraged her and made her fight. Perhaps if he’d been perfect he’d have seen that she needed him to come home before she reached her breaking point, or fought for her when she told him she cheated on him. But she couldn’t honestly hold those against him or call them flaws. She’d actively tried to keep him in the dark, and she hadn’t really left him any room to argue when she ended things. He had just been trying to do what she wanted. No, the worst things Alicia could think of weren’t really flaws at all. They were merely little things you found out about when you lived with someone. “No,” she finally said, but her demeanor had changed. “I feel like if you were perfect, you wouldn’t snore or have morning breath. And you do chew crisps quite loudly.” -- At her words, Higgs snorted. “Really, Alicia,” he said with an eyebrow raised slightly. “Hitting me where it hurts the most,” he added with a rather strong thump of his fist against where his heart was. It did highlight his point, though, Higgs thought, if she couldn’t think of things other than ‘you chew loudly’ as an imperfection. He had plenty of flaws, everyone had flaws. Yes, perhaps he wouldn’t have gotten involved with someone who was in love with him if he didn’t return the feelings, but then, Higgs wasn’t even too sure Alicia hadn’t returned those feelings when it came to Weasley. Not that he particularly wanted to think about that. But there were plenty of other things that Higgs would do and would say that made him imperfect. Honesty and thoughtfulness might have appeared like desirable qualities, but the amount of thought and structure that went into them probably wasn’t. “Would it help if I told you what I think my bad qualities are?” Because he had a fair idea. Manipulative topped that list, but hardly excluded plenty of other traits that people didn’t usually find positive. “Or more realistically,” he continued. “Do you think you might disagree with whatever it is that I think makes me imperfect? Makes me problematic?” He chose the word carefully. It was appropriate, Higgs felt. Challenges weren’t quite the same as problems and Higgs did not view Alicia as a problem. He also refused to have her make him think she was one. -- She smiled at his reaction, glad that, at least for a moment, she could turn dinner around and not let it get out of hand. It wasn’t completely turned around and happy, but she didn’t feel angry or upset anymore, and maybe that was all she could ask for sometimes. At least it made her relax enough to pick up the fork, if nothing else. Alicia still wasn’t so sure she was hungry, but she wanted to eat his food and let him know that she appreciated his time and effort, because she did, and to let him think otherwise would be rude. “Maybe,” she said in response to his first question. “I can’t guarantee I’ll agree with you, but is that really so different from what you do?” Oh. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she began to understand how he saw her a little bit better. Every time she’d cried on him about what a terrible human being she’d been to George, he hadn’t really agreed with her about the severity of it. He agreed that maybe she’d made the wrong decision, but she judged herself far more than he had. Was that how it was for everyone? -- At her question, Higgs raised an eyebrow. Yes, yes it was literally the exactly the same thing he did with her. The traits she saw in herself as horrible or damaging, Higgs didn't. It wasn't like he was in a habit of excusing them, hardly, but they also didn't seem as terrible to him as they did to her. She was too hard on herself, unfair even, and as much as it frustrated him, Higgs did also know why she thought that. No matter what others might say or do, it tended to be the person themselves who thought worst of their actions, thought harshest of their failings. There were, of course, the people who excused what they did but Higgs wasn't too sure how many of them didn't then honestly still think plenty of negative thoughts in regards to themselves. In his experience, people often were rather horrible to each other because they had issues with themselves. At least he had made her see that there might be a difference in opinion between them, certainly when it came to whether or not either of them were all that perfect. “I’m manipulative,” he told her despite not being sure if she had asked. “I overthink what I say and usually choose very carefully how to say things,” Higgs carried on anyway. “I get frustrated when people don’t stand up for themselves and angry when they are unfair to others,” which might sound like a positive thing, but it wasn’t, because it made Higgs not consider what he said. “I’m not booksmart,” he added with a laugh that was somewhat bitter. His school records would certainly illustrate that. Higgs had never done well in his academic studies, he didn’t have the mind for it, or so he thought at least. To him that had always been a failing, because it had limited him greatly in what he could or could not do. He would have never made a Hitwizard if he hadn’t spent ten years prior being a footsoldier. “I might also have a marginal obsession with dogs,” he added finally, slightly more humour appearing in his tone, but if anything, the words went to undermine everything he had said before. That was the intention. -- True to her promise that she couldn’t promise to agree with him, Alicia didn’t think any of that was a flaw--except the manipulative part, but she didn’t agree with that because she honestly didn’t understand how he thought he was manipulative. The rest of it though, she knew a thing or two about choosing her words carefully, and that was often a good thing, as was getting angry when people were unfair. He saw those things as flaws in himself but, call it the Gryffindor nature toward romanticism, she saw those as wonderfully chivalrous traits. Perhaps she didn’t see the extent of those traits because she wasn’t inside his mind like he was, but if he wanted her to agree with him, she wasn’t going to. “That might be a deal-breaker,” she told him, trying to keep a straight face and not really succeeding. Though she couldn’t call herself obsessed, and she was sometimes a little awkward with them, Alicia still liked dogs. Much more than her sister did, anyway--but then, everyone liked dogs more than her sister did. “Why do you think you’re manipulative?” -- Higgs didn’t actually want to answer that. Almost wished he hadn’t said it at all, but it did go to somewhat illustrate his point. The thing was that he could have easily sidestepped the question. Given her an answer that wasn’t inaccurate but also didn’t actually explain why he thought that. That probably in itself went some way to show why he thought himself to be manipulative. Had she been anyone else, that’s what Higgs would have done. Actually, he probably wouldn’t even gotten as far as to say that he thought himself to be manipulative. It did somewhat amuse him, though, that of the things he had listed she had chosen that one to ask about. He wasn’t sure she even realised that by implication she didn’t disagree with the rest. “I can read people quite well,” he finally settled on saying. “Which means that I can often tell what people want to hear, what they would like to hear,” Higgs explained, before having some more of the food. He really wasn’t sure whether he’d actually be able to explain it, no matter how clear to him it seemed in his head. “So I choose the things I say in order to get the reaction I want,” he said once he had swallowed the curry. Perhaps it didn’t sound much like manipulation, but it was, Higgs knew it was because he had used it plenty at the army, which arguably could be more classified as ‘negotiation’ than ‘manipulation’ but Higgs wasn’t too sure what the difference was in reality. This wasn’t to say that Higgs did it all the time or with everyone, but in the grand scheme of things, there were very few people he didn’t actively try to do that with. “You don’t have to agree with me for me to think it’s true,” Higgs added, this time allowing for a small smirk to settle on his lips as he said it. He didn’t actually care whether she did or did not agree with him on this particular point, but maybe it would go some way to show her that what she thought of herself was a long-shot away from what he thought of her. -- She thought about his response, finally taking a bite of her own food to give herself more time to think. He was right in hoping she would consider that maybe he felt the same way about her flaws that she felt about his, because she was beginning to see where he might be coming from; though, she wasn't quite ready to give herself a break yet, because while he had things he tended to do, that he was capable of, she'd actually done awful things to someone close to her. As far as she knew, he'd never done anything like that. But then, it occurred to her, maybe he had done things, she just didn't know about them. He'd been in the army in war zones for ten years, after all. “I guess we can agree to disagree on this one,” Alicia conceded. And to change the subject, said, “If I said this was actually good, would you believe me? I mean, it could use a little salt, but…” -- Agreeing to disagree was a bit complex in this situation, as Higgs wasn’t too sure what they were disagreeing on. Was it that neither of them were perfect? Probably not. Was it that they both saw flaws in themselves? They did. Was it that she thought her flaws were worse? That was true too. Higgs wasn’t too sure but he gave a small nod anyway, not quite agreeing but accepting that they might have to end or change the discussion if they wanted to get anywhere. Still, she hadn’t really agreed whether she would at least try to be open and honest with him, which seemed, at least to Higgs, to have been the whole point of this conversation in the first place. Higgs did get up, though, when Alicia said the food needed more salt. He got some salt and a can of coconut milk, just in case, setting both down before he retook his seat. “Add that,” he said pointing at the coconut milk. “If it’s too hot,” Higgs explained and let her have a free reign of the salt. The food was quite good, even if he did say so himself. So for a while he let them eat in silence, thinking over the conversation they had just had. Then, when Higgs was almost finished with his food, he spoke again. “I can’t promise you that I won’t ever get annoyed with something you say or do,” he told her honestly. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know whatever it is that you think or feel,” Higgs said, before pausing slightly. “This is--” he cut off, looking at her carefully before continuing. “This is important to me and I don’t want it to fall apart before I’ve had a chance to see where it could go,” and he had chosen that very carefully, to say that it was important to him, not them. It was, of course, important for them, but outside that, Higgs cared for this as a person, cared for this as an individual, cared for this for himself. “So please, help me?” That was more of a request than anything else, but one that Higgs hoped deeply that Alicia might grant. -- She'd mostly been joking about the salt (it was quite good), but didn't say anything when he got up and fetched it for her; she just added the pinch she thought it needed for just the right flavor and waved off the coconut milk. She wanted to say something else, not quite sure if the silence was actually amicable or slightly awkward, but she couldn't really think of anything to say. They saw each other enough at work that she didn't have anything interesting enough to tell him (lunch with her mother hardly counted as anything interesting), and she didn't want to argue, so she just sat and ate until he spoke. “I can do that.” Alicia was glad he'd made his plea personal, that he'd made it about him instead of them, because she needed to hear it. She needed to know that he wanted it to work, for himself and not for anyone else. “I want this to work, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I just...might need reminding if there's something you need me to be doing for it to work.” She was mostly talking about talking about her feelings and asking for help, because she was still getting used to being open about anything with anyone. “Are you sure you want to know everything? Because I feel… a lot. It's exhausting.” -- Higgs nodded at her words, at saying that she might need reminding. He could do that, he thought. For as long as she was willing to take a step closer, not make him be the only one who’s trying, Higgs didn’t mind reminding her. Asking how she was, asking what she thought or felt, that wasn’t a hardship, he just needed her to fill the gaps if he forgot or was too busy, too distracted to. Not that Higgs expected that to often be the case, still, it would be good to know that she’d be there to fix his failings. “Just,” he paused, giving a small sigh. “Alicia, just remember that I’m happy to hear whatever you have to say. You’re not burdening me when you tell me something, I promise,” he said. She wasn’t either. Higgs was well aware that sometimes the hardest step was to convince yourself that you weren’t going to be a burden on others. When Alicia said that she felt a lot and questioned whether he was sure he’d want to hear it all, Higgs grinned a bit. “Yes,” he replied. “But maybe we can keep the loud chewing complaints to ourselves?” Higgs added with slightly more of a smile. “I mean, they are very hurtful,” he joked, hoping that it was the right thing to do, that the humour wasn’t going to be misread as him undermining what they had discussed. He meant what he had said, he did want her to come to him for whatever she wanted, needed. That would help, it would help her to say it, Higgs was sure, but it would also help him in building up a trust he knew he had lost in her. He trusted her with some things, but it scared him greatly that she might not tell him of others. -- The amused grin was back, and Alicia was just really happy that everything didn’t have to be an argument or so serious. “You did just say you wanted to know everything I was thinking and feeling, and sometimes I think you chew loudly.” She shrugged, still smiling at him, and put the rest of her food in her mouth. It felt...normal, for once, for them to be sitting at the table, eating and teasing. Even if things weren’t at all normal, and she still felt awkward and unsure of the exact boundaries of their relationship, in that moment, it was nice and fairly uncomplicated. “Is there any more?” she asked, looking over his shoulder to the stove. If there wasn’t any, then oh well, but if there was then she definitely wanted more, because it was, in fact, a dish he cooked well, and running every morning again had brought her appetite back with a vengeance. She also hoped there was more to eat in case he intended to leave afterward; now that things were okay between them again, Alicia wasn’t ready to say goodnight. “Hey uhm. Were you-I mean, did you want to stay...for a while, after we finish eating?” -- “There is,” Higgs replied, gathering his own plate up before reaching for Alicia’s too. Majority of Higgs’ experience with cooking came from the army, which meant that Higgs really struggled to make food for anything but a minimum of six soldiers, thus there was always more food. Refilling their plates, Higgs put them down before finding two glasses to fill with water. Once he had rejoined Alicia at the table he offered her a smile. An honest, open smile. “I’d like that,” he told her, because he would. Now that they seemed to have established some sort of ground rules for what they were trying to do, what they wanted to do, Higgs felt like a heaviness in him had lifted. He knew that this wasn’t going to be easy, it had never pretended to be easy when he agreed to try and work through whatever problems lay between him and Alicia, but Higgs wanted to, had to, trust her when she said she’d try, too. Presuming that the trying would happen, Higgs felt that this was a reasonable start, even if they probably were going to end up in plenty more discussions about what was okay and how things needed to be to make this work for both of them. |