I bite my thumb, sir. (lottiewood) wrote in reduxpitch, @ 2016-08-18 15:36:00 |
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Despite what Lottie had told her brother, it was not her time of the month. She only said so to get him to stop asking questions that she didn't really have the answer to. Or ones she didn't want to answer, because putting certain thoughts into word, even on paper, would make certain doubts real.
She was annoyed by Draco, and she didn't know why. She was also worried that she was leading him on, giving him hope that something would happen with her when she wasn't feeling the things she thought she should be feeling. Especially when he was already feeling those things and telling her so. She didn't want to be annoyed with Draco, because she was sure it wasn't his fault.
But, the petty voice she kept stashed in the back of her head whispered, it could be his fault. I could easily justify it. Lottie tried to ignore those thoughts as she walked from the Leaky Cauldron to his flat. She could have apparated directly inside the wards, but she needed time to shut down the petty voices. Why doesn't he get cheeky or sarcastic without prompting or apologising? Why does he alway second guess and sugar coat and walk on eggshells? What the hell is he so afraid of?
What are you so afraid of, her more rational voice countered. She frowned, but only realized she was doing so when an older woman skirted around her. Lottie always had trouble schooling her features, and if she wasn't careful, her inner argument would become external quickly. She was still in the lounge pants she had put on when she got home and an oversized cardigan. She was not as put together as she normally was, and it was a good thing Draco was at the flat and not the manor.
She arrived at his building and waited for someone to leave before she went in. At his door, she knocked and waited and tried to school her features into a semblance of calm.
--
Draco wasn’t sure what was wrong or whether there was something he’d actually done or not. It might’ve been a better idea if he hadn’t so inarticulately expressed what he thought the reason talking might not be safe. It wasn’t even that he was deliberately jumping to conclusions - it was just one of the first things that jumped to mind. Now she was coming over so that they could talk and he honestly didn’t know what to think.
He was willing to admit, even if only to himself at this point, that Lottie had a point about him needing a hobby. He’d spent so long and so much of his thinking towards studying and all but throwing himself into becoming a Healer that he’d left little room for anything outside of work. It wasn’t even until this year he’d actually started doing anything outside of work. There was his writing but that was just another form of work; albeit one that only one other person actually knew about now. He had interests but they all leant towards academic pursuits rather than simply for fun. Maybe that was part of the issue - that he didn’t have any idea how to have fun.
Draco was broken from his thoughts when he heard the knock at the door. It was a little odd as he was sure he’d given a key to Lottie or maybe he simply thought he had… Well, he could almost understand why, if he had given her a key, she wasn’t using it. “Hey,” he greeted, after having walked over and opened the door.
--
As Lottie entered the flat, she popped up on her toes and kissed Draco's cheek. In her current state of mind, she couldn't tell if she did so because it was habit or because she wanted to, and that turned her guilt levels up to fifty. After stepping out of her shoes, she made her way to the sofa and sat as deeply into the corner as she could. Her knees were pulled up, and though Draco could have gotten close, her body language spoke volumes on how it would be better if he didn't sit so near.
"I think we should break up," she blurted out. Lottie immediately felt sick for saying the words, but she didn't know if it was the thought of not having him in her life or the guilt of it all. "I'm not feeling what I should be feeling, which puts your feelings leaps and bounds ahead of mine, and that's not fair to you. You should be with someone who loves you back. Whose feelings for you run deeper than an incredible fondness."
She was confident in pretty much everything she did. She knew she was an amazing event planner. She loved the outfits she put together. She wasn't ever worried that she laughed too loud, talked too much, or smiled too often. Charlotte Wood was not lacking in the self-esteem department. But she didn't know how to listen to her heart. Her instincts, yes, but that wasn't the same. So her words sounded a little selfless, but they were completely selfish.
"I don't want you waking up one day disappointed that you're stuck with someone who is obviously emotionally stunted, because you deserve more than that, and I don't know how to give it to you. I--I don't know what else to do, so I figure if you hate me a little bit now, we can be friends down the line, rather than you hating and resenting me forever because I'm not doing this right."
--
Draco couldn’t help the soft smile on his face as Lottie kissed his cheek. He had thought about making a similar gesture with his greeting but hadn’t been entirely sure on how it’d be received. Following Lottie to the living area it didn’t take him very long, if any time, at all to get the message that things wouldn’t go so well if he crowded her; so Draco took a seat nearer the opposite end of the sofa.
So much for feeling as if he’d been potentially jumping to conclusions, he thought to himself as he continued listening to Lottie; because apparently his second thought on unsafe conversation reasons had just reared its head. “You think we should… I don’t get it,” he admitted, feeling stunned at the unexpected words. Not that he had any trouble actually understanding the words. Draco felt confused and as he tried to piece everything together in his head he just felt more confused about where this was coming from. “I mean, I understand what you’re saying I just… Did I do something wrong?”
“Well, I don’t think you’re emotionally stunted,” he commented. Draco was trying not to frown because he didn’t want her thinking he was upset - because he wasn’t; or at least not yet anyway. He was just trying to wrap his head around what was happening. “I think I’m feeling a little too confused to even think about whether I may or may not hate you…”
--
"You deserve someone who knows what the hell she's feeling," she said, her tone a little grumpier than she intended. "You deserve someone who can be on the same page as you, who knows how to read her emotions and fall in love properly. Because I can't, and I'm not sure I am, and it's holding you back."
Because maybe his problem with boredom wasn't that he didn't have a hobby. Maybe it was because he didn't feel like he could be who he really was with her. He held back. She saw him hold back. On the journals, with her.
"I'm holding you back. Or you're holding back because of me, and.." She shrugged, the movement bringing her shoulders literally around her ears because of how hunched in on herself she was. Lottie couldn't look at him. She hated that she was doing this, but she would have regretted not getting this out there. "It may be my insecurities, but I honestly can't help but feel like something is missing. Part of it's because I don't know if I'm feeling things right. And part of it's because it seems like you hesitate a lot. Like you don't know if something should be said or done, and you're not an unsure man. So it's me. It has to be."
--
"That's because I don't. I don't know how any of this should be done, how it's supposed to go. It's... I've had dates before but this is the first time I've... I have no idea how relationships are supposed to work! I don't exactly have any great examples within my family; although I'm sure my parents still love each other," he explained, getting up from the sofa and starting to pace. It was a not-quite bad habit of his whenever he was thinking what to say or if he’d gotten particularly stuck on a chapter of whatever book he was currently writing. Although, right now, at that moment he had no clear idea exactly what he was trying to explain.
"Before now I've had a total of exactly one relationship, if it can be called that, we were already friends and it seemed like the thing to do with how often we were thrown together. I guess we both either wanted to please our parents or simply get them to stop insinuating and speculating," he continued on, his hands gesturing slightly, saying whatever came to mind as he spoke. It was entirely possible he wasn’t making much sense at all. Though if he stopped he was sure that he’d lose whatever train of thought he was on. "We realised we were better as just friends. Until now that's the total expanse of my knowledge when it comes to dating which, I guess, when it comes down to it is pretty much nothing."
"And if I hesitate it's because I fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and upsetting you, because that is the absolute last thing I'd want to do." he sighed, running his hand through his hair frustratedly. There was something he wanted to say, a reason to explain why he was the way that he was but he couldn’t think what it was or find the words to even barely express any semblance of what it was. "Maybe I do hesitate too much, but I don't mean to. So I doubt that’s it you… or just you Maybe it’s both of us… I don’t know..."
--
Lottie threw one of the little pillows that decorated his sofa at Draco, aiming for his torso so she wouldn't actually hurt him. "Would you stop thinking like that? Seriously, Draco. You worrying about hurting me like that means you don't trust me. Why should you, though? I don't trust myself, obviously, since I don't know what the fuck is in my head or my heart."
Sighing in frustration, she dropped her knees and leaned forward until she was basically a ball on the couch. "I don't actually want to break up with you," she said, her voice muffled. "I just don't think I'm any good for you. I think you can do better than me."
Sitting up, she looked at Draco. "How do you know you're in love? You haven't seen my worst habits. You've never seen me sick or actually lose my temper. You're just now getting to see my complete insecurities." She shrugged and looked down, picking at some invisible lint on her pants. "Is it because I'm the first person you think of in the morning and the last at night? Is it because I'm the one you want to tell things to the second something exciting happens? Is it the way I smell? I don't understand."
--
At the last minute he had caught the small pillow Lottie had lobbied at him; slightly annoyed at the action but at the same time relieved since it snapped him from his thoughts. "I guess in my head I keep wanting to see things as being perfect," he said quietly, frowning at the thought. "I do trust you though. I guess that I have to trust myself... trust us... that if we fight or argue that it won't really be so bad as I keep thinking they might be if something went wrong. And yeah, I'm aware of how stupid that sounds now that I'm saying it aloud."
Draco's eyes snapped to Lottie's hunched over form. "What? Why would you think you’re not any good for me?” he asked, feeling surprised and just a little confused. He didn’t think it had anything to with his family, either socially or financially speaking; mostly because they didn’t seem to be the sort of thing Lottie cared about, at least not the way some people cared about that sort of thing and making the ‘right’ connections.
“Honestly?” he asked, letting out a breath, as he looked over at her. “I don’t know. It’s not as if I throw those words about like they were nothing. I know in that moment that I said them I meant it even if I can’t really tell you why. And you’re right, I haven’t seen the ‘worst’ of you but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to or that I’m naive and believe you’re utterly faultless.” Draco sat back down on the sofa beside her - though not close enough for her to suddenly feel crowded by his presence. “You kind of are, not all the time, but sometimes just wondering what you’re up to and stuff like that. Occasionally wondering about waking up next to you; although on the subject of not having seen the worst of you yet that might be something best left to pondering rather than practise.” The last had been said teasingly and not meant in any ill-manner; and it had been something he’d thought of before now, that hadn’t been a lie.
“You know when I’d finally, and officially, finished my apprenticeship at St. Mungo’s you were the first person I’d wanted to tell,” he commented quietly. “I could’ve told my parents or friends I’d known forever first. Considering I’ve been trying to distance myself from what some people think when they hear my family name I normally would’ve told my parents first but I didn’t...”
“On the list of telling people things, or not telling them, you’re the first and only person who knows about the books I write,” he said, trying and failing to stop himself from wringing his hands together. “I don’t know why that is, whether I trust you more than anyone else or if it’s because I haven’t known you as long as my other friends. I said I’d tell you sometime, but you never pushed and seemed happy for me to decide when I’d tell you about it and… you know I’m not sure any of my friends are even aware I still write at all, let alone professionally.”
--
"That's a lot of pressure. For both of us. I don't need perfection. I need someone who wants to have fun and adventures with me. Someone who challenges me and makes me feel safe. Who makes me want to leave my flat, or stay in and do naughty things with them. And you do that, but.."
Lottie shrugged, making her eyes big in an attempt to keep emotions at bay. "Because I doubt. Because I don't know what it's like to be in love. Because I'm putting you through this all because I can't figure it out." She looked down, shaking her head. She didn't know what else to say or do, so she sat awkwardly on the couch. She couldn't argue with anything he was saying. She didn't want to argue. Her heart wasn't in any of this, but she couldn't help thinking that she had to give him a chance to leave. She wanted to be in love but didn't know how. She wanted to give him everything, but she didn't know if she could.
--
“I know, and I’m trying not to be that way. You do the same for me. If it hadn’t been for you I probably would’ve just hid away in my room the entire time until I felt absolutely sure that… that mark was gone. You’ve gotten me to actually really enjoy my work and interact with the kids rather than just being there as their Healer.”
Draco, deciding he didn’t care if it got a bad reaction and hoped it didn’t cause her to flinch, reached out for Lottie’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “That doesn’t mean you’re not any good for me. This is all just as new to me too, and I think I know just as much about being in love as you do. I mean, I know I don’t have any of the answers as to how this is supposed to go.” He didn’t like seeing Lottie seem down and conflicted but then he wasn’t entirely sure how to make it better… or even how to really reach some kind of resolution they were both happy with.
“You say you don’t want to break up, and I don’t want to either, but… what do you want?” he asked. “I can give you space, time, whatever you need.... I don’t want to be the sort of person who’ll push you to feeling something you don’t want.”
--
Charlotte didn't flinch or pull away. She focused on their hands; focused on how his touch felt against her skin. With her mind overworking elsewhere, she felt the tingle of excitement she got when they touched. A frown furrowed her brow as his words sank into her mind.
"I think I need you to push me," she said quietly. "I need you to catch me off guard. Shock me out of my brain, because it's getting in the way, and I don't know how to shut it up." She looked up at Draco, eyes pleading. "No warning, no hesitation or worrying about how I'm going to react. Not all the time, either, because most of the time I don't over-think or worry or question or doubt. Most of the time, I'm sure. But then the negative thoughts creep out, and it's all a mess, and I just make it messier."
She squeezed his fingers affectionately. "I trust you to catch me. I just have a fear of falling, so I need you to push me, too."
--
Although it might not have shown he was happy that Lottie hadn’t pulled away at all. After listening to the bulk of her words Draco pressed a light kiss against Lottie’s forehead before leaning his own against it. “I can’t guarantee that I won’t worry or over-think at all but I promise to do my best at maybe worrying only some of the time,” he said softly.
“Then I guess we’ll have to keep pushing each other,” he said with a smile. “And be ready to catch the other if need be.”
--
Laughing lightly, Lottie moved closer to Draco, draping her legs over his lap. "I'm sorry I'm sometimes a mess. A doubting, questioning, worrying mess." She paused. "Which makes me a hypocrite because I just asked you to stop worrying." She sighed and dropped her head to Draco's shoulder. "I'm sorry. This was stupid, and I want to make it up to you. Anything you want, just name it."
--
Draco couldn’t help but chuckle when Lottie realised what she’d said. “It’s okay, I think you’re kind of allowed that,” he murmured. “And it’s not stupid. I mean, obviously you… we needed to talk about this… and that can’t be stupid, right?”
“Anything? That’s a bit of a dangerous offer,” he said with a raised eyebrow, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.
--
Lottie leaned back so she could meet Draco's eyes. It wasn't an accepted apology, but he laughed, and that, to her, was a good sign. "Yes, but I'll try to bring these things up before they explode, because I can't say to you 'we should break up' every time I'm doubting myself. Because it is me. I know it's a cliche to say, but this is about me, and not really about you, because you're wonderful."
Kissing the corner of his mouth, she dimpled at him. "Anything," she repeated, cupping his cheek and making him look at her. "Just consider me your personal genie."
--
“Well, I happen to think even your worrying and doubting self is pretty wonderful,” he commented. “Maybe not the part about starting off with ‘we should break up’, but you’re still pretty wonderful.”
The grin that appeared on his face at that moment suggested he was about to say something that might possibly get him into trouble with anyone else. “Does that include the outfit?”
--
Lottie grinned and popped off the couch. She retrieved her wand from her bag and carefully transfigured the lounge pants and cardigan into a light blue, two piece, genie outfit. Trying not to laugh, she faced Draco, her arms crossed and her back rod straight, and looked at him as seriously as her mirth allowed.
"You have three wishes. No wishing for more wishes. That's cheating." Losing control over her smile, Lottie relaxed and let it shine on her face. "You don't have to use all wishes now if you want to save one or two for later." She bit her lip. "I won't call you 'master'. That's too weird to do with someone I have very intimate thoughts about." Her mind wandered, briefly, to reasons she ever would, and a blush crept across her cheeks. "But your wish, my command."
--
Draco couldn't help the bark of laughter that escaped him; because he had only been joking and certainly hadn't expected Lottie to transfigure her clothes to such an outfit. As she explained the rules for his wishes he couldn't help but grin as he listened. This was certainly not what he'd had in mind, even vaguely, when he'd asked if she'd really meant anything. Actually he wasn't sure what he'd been thinking of when he clarified that point, but it definitely wasn't this. Though he wasn't going to complain any time soon.
“This is… unexpected, and three wishes is very generous,” he responded, trying to be serious about it and utterly failing, and he had definitely noticed the blush that had crept onto her cheeks after the comment about calling him master. “I'm tempted to wish you to tell me why you're looking so red all of a sudden. Though perhaps that's better suited for a second wish…”
--
"It probably is," she laughed. "Or when I'm tipsy on champagne, because I'm not sure it's a subject worth exploring without a lot of liquid courage." Lottie put her hands on Draco's shoulders and pushed him into the back of the couch gently so that she could straddle his lap and sit on his thighs. Her expression was questioning and her smile was hopeful. "Am I forgiven? I almost made a right mess of this."
--
“I'll have to remember to ask about it then,” he said. Hopefully he wouldn't forget, because it seemed worth knowing about just for the reaction the thought of such made Lottie blush like she had. His hands reached out to hold onto her waist as he looked up at her. “Yeah, of course. Maybe so, but if it didn't happen today it probably would've happened some other day and who knows how it might've gone instead.”
“Though if either of us do need to ever talk about how we're feeling it might be good if neither of us open with saying we should break up?” he suggested. “Aside from that I think talking might be a good thing.”
Pulling one hand away from her waist Draco trailed a finger along the gold waistband. “So three wishes, right?” he asked, knowing full well that was how many. “I think for my first wish I'd like a kiss from the gorgeous genie.”
--
"Talking is a very good thing. And I'll try harder to let you in on my neuroses." Charlotte moved one hand from Draco's shoulder and placed it over his heart. "They're messy, though. You should know that. Sometimes my thoughts are loud and negative, and I have a hard time stopping the explosion of what ifs."
She squirmed a little when his fingers brushed a ticklish spot on her side, a smile lighting up her face. "I'm not counting that as a wish. It's a terrible waste when it's something I would like to happen anyway." She kissed him, slowly pressing her torso closer to his in an attempt to close the space between them. After several long moments, she pulled away and smiled at Draco. "So. What's your first wish?"
--
“It might not be pretty but it’d have to be better than bottling it all up, yeah?” he suggested. “Besides I’d feel horrible if I weren’t there for you when you managed to pull me from the funk I was in when I had those dreams and that mark appeared on my arm… I know it’s not the same thing, but I want to be there for you if you’ll let me.”
Draco’s other hand, that had been on her waist, went to the small of her back as they kissed while the other snaked up to the back of her neck. “I’ll have to think, since apparently I’m not allowed to wish for kisses now,” he said with a grin, as his fingers twirled around her hair. “Would dinner here tonight be considered a wasted or an acceptable wish?”
--
Lottie caressed Draco's cheek with the back of her fingers. "It's easier for me to worry about the people I care about than it is for me to handle my own issues or let them focus on me. It's something I'm working on, but not actively, I suppose." She rest her forehead against his. "I'm not used to being taken care of. Not because they haven't tried, but because I'm stubborn and don't like to feel like a burden."
"Wasted," she replied with a grin. "Let's just say that anything happening here is a given, and any wishes you can come up with, I'll make happen to the best of my ability. My moment of stupidity is over for now, and I want to bask in how lucky I am to have someone as patient and understanding as you are."
--
"I think it's that way for a lot of people. Sometimes it's just easier to focus on others and ignore your own problems by pretending everything is fine," he murmured, before kissing her. His nose brushing against hers as he pulled away enough to look in her eyes. "Well, your stubbornness is one of the things I like about you; although I'm not entirely sure what that might say about me but it's the truth."
Though he'd never admit to it, even if he were accused of doing so, Draco pouted right then. It wasn't his fault he was having trouble thinking up wishes or that the ones he did come up with were apparently a terrible waste of a wish. "It's not exactly easy trying to think up wishes when I'm so easily distracted that my mind is stuck on the one track," he complained. "I suppose the clever thing would be to actually ask if these wishes can be used at a later date or if they're time sensitive. Hmm, maybe a hint as to what I can wish for that isn't going to be a waste?"
--
"Everything is fine," she said. "Except the things that aren't, but I don't really know what's not fine." Lottie let herself be distracted by Draco's kiss. "It says that you need someone who can be as stubborn as you are," she replied before kissing him again. They were fine. She could tell they were, or they would be.
The pout was one of the best expression she'd seen cross his face. She kissed his lower lip. "You can use them whenever, darling. They have no expiration date. And I could give you hints, but at this point in time, anything to do with kissing or dinner or us spending time together is something I want and defeats the purpose of a wish." Lottie ran her hands down Draco's arms. "That is, if you want to spend time with me after all of this."
--
"Hints will definitely be appreciated. Though frankly I'm glad there's no expiry date because I can't think of a single thing right now that isn't anything to do with what you've just mentioned," he complained, there was maybe just a touch of whining in there somewhere. "The only way you're going anywhere is if it's what you want because I'm definitely not letting go of you any time soon."
Draco leaned in for another kiss as he brushed the back of fingers along her side which thanks to the genie outfit was rather exposed, and knowing full well it was quite close to one of her many ticklish spots. "Though I might have let go a bit to make dinner later," he murmured.
--
"I think it's the outfit," she said. "It's distracting you." Lottie brushed her lips over Draco's, teasing him. "Maybe I should just take it off," she breathed. His fingers sent shivers through her body. "But that's later." Peppering his jaw with kisses, she slid her hands under the hem of his tee-shirt to grip his bare sides. She was going to go further, to pull his shirt off, but her brain kicked on, and she leaned forward, nearly collapsing onto his chest.
Lottie could feel Draco's heart under her cheek, and snuggled as close as their positions allowed. "I'm sorry I put you through this. I'm sorry I worried you and hurt you. I'm sorry I'm scared and doubtful." She needed to be forgiven, in that many words. She needed to know that he still loved her, even though she still couldn't say the same to him. She needed to talk to someone who understood these feelings, someone other than Draco, but she didn't know who to turn to. Even if she did, she was afraid of what they might tell her, because she didn't want anyone to tell her that she might not be in love. She didn't want to hear anyone else say what she had said to him. She didn't want to think about a future--near or far--that didn't include him holding her hand and kissing her temple. Smiling at her when they first woke up or laughing at her jokes.
--
Draco chuckled against her lips. "I really don't think that would help lessen the distraction, love." Then things seemed to be going well, being kissed, returning kisses… until it kind of wasn't and then she was there snuggling against his chest and started talking.
He wrapped one arm around her waist and let his other hand slowly rub back and forth across her back as she spoke. "Hey… shhh," Draco murmured, cupping her chin gently to get her to raise her head so he could see her. "It's okay. We're okay now, and I forgive you." This was punctuated by him placing kisses across her forehead, cheeks and jaw after each word. "How could I hate or be angry with you for wanting to speak your mind about how you're feeling?"
"And it hasn't changed how I feel about you either," he said quietly, resting his forehead against her's. "I don't know if it's something you want to hear right now or not but… I still love you. Quirks, neuroses and all."
--
Relief flooded over Lottie, and her shoulders relaxed though she hadn't realized they were tense. Being forgiven calmed her heart and mind. Knowing she was loved made her feel safe, and she wanted to give that to Draco, but she wouldn't say the words before she was completely sure about them. "Thank you," she whispered before kissing him again.
Pulling away, she smiled at at Draco. "Are you okay here?"
--
"You're welcome," he said softly and smiled warmly.
"Hmm... well, here could mean a lot of different places," he pointed out. "For instance if I asked it of you I could mean here," he said, placing a kiss to her cheek. "Or here." Kissing along her jaw. "Here," he murmured, before trailing kisses across her shoulder. Draco trailed the kisses back along that path making his way up along her neck to a spot on her jaw just below her ear. "Unless of course you mean the general here as in where we are and the situation we're in," he whispered in between kissing and scraping his teeth over her skin gently. "In which case I would have to say that I'm certainly okay."
--
"Good." Lottie pulled Draco's shirt off. She had chosen her outfit, but she felt she shouldn't be the only one who was half dressed. "Good," she breathed again before kissing Draco deeply. She slipped sideways off his lap and laid back against the arm of the sofa, pulling him down with her. With light fingers, she traced swirling lines over the skin of his back as she kissed along his jaw and neck.
"I don't deserve you," she breathed against his skin. "But I'm glad you still choose me."
--
Draco, using one arm, kept himself propped up just enough that they could be close together without him possibly crushing her. His other hand was at her waist, as if holding on, his thumb lightly stroking against the bare skin. "As I remember it you were the one who kissed me first," he whispered against her skin, having been laying kisses at the spot where her shoulder and neck met. "You were also the one who decided my lap was better than sitting beside me."
His last words had been said with a slight chuckle as he remembered how they'd first met. It was almost hard to believe that it had been almost five months since then, and two since they'd decided to officially declare themselves as dating. He lazily dragged his fingers along her side as he switched from kissing along her shoulder to capturing her lips in a kiss. After a moment he pulled away but only just barely his gaze flickering across her face. "I'm just glad that you're letting me choose you," he murmured before kissing her once more.
--
"Blame the champagne," she teased, smiling softly. The bubbles had given her courage that night, but it had been her choice to sit on Draco's lap, to kiss him, a strange man in a cloak room. It had been a good decision, and, despite her small doses of doubt, it continued to be good. Lottie wrapped her arms around Draco's shoulders and lost herself in his kiss. The only things her mind registered were his lips on hers and his hand on her side. She'd almost lost this; almost lost him because of her stupid brain and the list of what ifs.
There were words on the tip of her tongue. If she had not been otherwise occupied, they might have been said. But they weren't. They were swept up in the kisses. They would wait. They had to, because saying them now would feel a little empty. She needed a happier moment for them. While lying under Draco, kissing him, and feeling his heart beat with hers was, indeed, happy, their evening hadn't started that way, and she didn't want him to doubt her sincerity.
--
The sofa was great and all but not exactly comfortable or what he had in mind beyond making out. So rather reluctantly, after a final kiss, Draco pulled away to stand up and after holding his hand out for her he pulled Lottie to her feet. Then without further ado he bent down and then lifted Lottie and slung her over his shoulder before carrying her to the bedroom, at the end of the hallway, where he carefully flipped her down on the bed.
After getting up onto the bed he crawled over a little so that he was above Lottie again. "I think we were somewhere about here," he murmured, before leaning down to kiss her again.
--
Lottie yelped in surprise, but she didn't struggle against Draco's hold on her, and she didn't try to wiggle out of the fireman carry. She was impressed that he was able to lift her like that, and she didn't want to be dropped.
Until he dropped her on the bed, and she bounced just enough to move away from the edge of the mattress. With Draco over her again, kissing her deeply, Lottie wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer. Several thoughtless, breathless minutes passed before she pushed him back. "Draco." His name was a whisper on her lips, and she pushed his shoulders until he was on his back, and she was over him. "Allow me," she said, pulling her hair over one shoulder before trailing kisses down his chest. Her fingers quickly undid his fly, and she smiled down at him. "Darling, I want to make you feel good." She pressed a kiss to his lips, then set about doing just that.
--
After several long moments and Draco returning the favour (because he wasn't about to finish things without Lottie feeling good too) they laid there as not quite a mess of limbs but contentedly snuggled against the other. His fingers played lazily with her hair as he watched her with a warm smile on his face, before leaning in to brush a quick kiss over her lips. Three little words were on the tip of his tongue that he wasn't afraid to use but he didn't want Lottie to feel pressured in needing to say them back until she was sure.
"Mmm, in hindsight I should've got dinner ready first," he said quietly after a moment. "I really don't feel like getting up now."
--
After Draco kissed her, Lottie rolled onto her side and snuggled closer to him. "It can wait," she said. She felt drowsy and content, and not just because of what they'd just done. Simply being with Draco made her feel content. "We can order something later. My mobile's in my bag." Whether her telephone would work in this flat was another question, one she would worry about later. "Or," she continued, nuzzling his neck. "We can just stay here till breakfast."
--
As Draco slowly and lightly let his fingers stroke back and forth along her arm he couldn't help but think of how he enjoyed this. Not that what they'd done wasn't great but being with Lottie, as they were right now, was... well, he wasn't sure quite how to describe it and good seemed too simple a word, but it was good. It was just the simplicity of being together with her that even words didn't seem to matter; which if said aloud might just sound rather mushy and sentimental - something he was starting not to mind so long as it was only Lottie he admitted as such to.
"Staying here until breakfast sounds good," he murmured against her hair. "As long as you're sure that you're not hungry yet?"
--
"Hmm. No. This is perfect, love. If you move, I'll be cross, and I will have to tickle you." Lottie kissed his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his middle. "Though, if you wish it, and ask me very nicely, I can get you food if you're hungry?" Some part of Lottie chided her for setting women back by even offering that, for thinking about making him a sandwich. She pushed away from him enough to look into his face. "I can make you something."
--
"Oh, the horror, anything but tickling," he exclaimed mockingly. Though it suited him fine that she wasn't wanting to move either, at least just yet anyway. Draco shook his head. "No, I'm fine for now, just remembered that I said I'd make you dinner is all."
"I'm perfectly happy to stay like this for a while yet," he said with a smile, brushing a few stray locks of hair away from her face.
--
"Then we stay here." She kissed him briefly before snuggling close again. Lottie yawned against his shoulder. "Perfectly happy," she murmured. It was honest. She was perfectly happy when her brain wasn't working in overtime. She was perfectly happy with him. And warm, and drowsy.
This night could have ended much differently, and she was relieved beyond words that it hadn't. She had almost lost this because of her insecurities. It was almost the dumbest mistake she'd ever made in her life.