Who: Andrew Kirke and Aisling Astor. What: Andrew cooks for Aisling and welcomes her home. Where: Panquake House, kitchen. When: Sunday 7th August, evening. Status: Complete.
It had only been a week, but Andrew had missed Aisling. He hadn’t really thought he would - he had plenty of other people for company - but his relationship with Aisling was different to his relationships with everyone else. Not only did they live together, but Aisling was the closest Andrew had to family, and he was used to keeping her updated about his life. If she’d been around, he’d certainly have told her about having dinner with James and Lily, and possibly about Ginny’s engagement, but probably not about his conversation with Evan on Friday night. At least, not immediately. He hadn’t told her about any of their other love-related conversations, either. For a long time, he hadn’t felt he needed to, but this one had left him feeling… uncomfortable.
Seeing as Aisling had travelled back from France (even if it was by apparition), Andrew had thought she’d appreciate having something cooked for her. He’d spent a pleasant morning looking over Evan’s (rather ridiculous) new cookbooks, trying to decide on something. The almond-chive salmon was in the oven, the veggies were steaming and Andrew had already set out plates when Aisling walked into the kitchen. He grinned, greeting with a hug that lasted perhaps a little longer than one week’s holiday would really merit. “Did you have an amazing time?” he asked. “We didn’t know what to do with ourselves without you. I had to cook!” Actually, that was hardly true at all. Between Ginny, dinner with the Potters and taking Ken to Brighton Andrew hadn’t done all that much cooking. “And I ate most of the fruit.” That was true.
--
The week away had been very enjoyable, but Aisling was also glad to be back. She had missed the band, having gotten so used to them always being there. But especially, Aisling had missed Xavier and Andrew. For somewhat different reasons perhaps, but she had, nonetheless, missed them both. So it was nice that Andrew had offered to cook dinner for her. Aisling appreciated it a lot. After getting home, Aisling had taken a quick shower, for no other reason than to wash the feeling of country-hopping off of her, before walking down into the kitchen, where whatever Andrew was cooking smelled absolutely amazing.
Hugging Andrew back, Aisling gave a small laugh at his proclamation that he had eaten all the fruit. “Good,” she nodded before letting go, taking a seat at the table so she could watch him finish off cooking. “I’m glad to see the house didn’t burn down in my absence,” Aisling teased. The house, of course, was fine. It could hardly burn down when they still had Nina to supervise. If it hadn’t been for her, Aisling may have worried. “I had a great time, thank you,” she added returning to Andrew’s original question. “Many museums, but also lying on the beach and drinking cocktails,” Aisling explained fondly. “Did I miss much whilst gone?” She mostly was asking about Andrew personally, since it didn’t seem like she had missed much in terms of the band.
--
Andrew laughed at the bit about museums. “Maybe next time we should go on holiday together,” he suggested. “Axel’s girlfriend and Evan can go off and look at museums and you and I can lie on the beach with cocktails.” Andrew did like museums more when Evan was there, but he enjoyed beaches more. Especially with cocktails. He plated the veggies, casting a slight warming charm on the plates before he did so, then turned to check the oven. He’d never made this dish before, but the fish didn’t quite look like the picture in Evan’s book yet, so he decided to wait a few more minutes.
“Sort of,” he said. “You didn’t really miss it, but it was busy.” Aisling would only have heard about it second-hand anyway, so a delay of a few days didn’t really matter too much. “My friend got engaged.” He’d remembered at the last moment that Ginny had asked him to keep it to himself, so he didn’t name her. “And I had dinner with Evan’s parents.”
--
“We could just go together and by-pass the rest,” Aisling replied teasingly. She thought she’d like to holiday with Andrew. They had had a nice time in New York, so Aisling could very easily assume that they would have a nice time elsewhere together too. Especially if Andrew wanted to lie on a beach and drink cocktails. That was a premise Aisling could get behind.
When Andrew caught her up with the things she may have missed, Aisling gave a ‘oh, that’s nice’ at him saying one of his friends got engaged. Aisling didn’t have a particularly high or interested view on marriage. Definitely not when it was a marriage between people she didn’t know, which presumably was the case here. She was a lot more interested in Andrew’s dinner with Evan’s parents. “How did it go?” She asked curiously, before getting up to locate a bottle of wine they could have with the dinner Andrew was preparing.
--
Somehow, Andrew genuinely hadn’t thought of that. Perhaps because he just assumed that Evan would be there for any holiday he went on, which wasn’t an assumption that had all that much basis in reality. They’d been on one holiday together, and they did share a bed almost every night, but that didn’t mean it was guaranteed they’d both want to take the same holidays, or that Evan would even get on with Axel’s girlfriend. “We could do that,” he agreed. “Or go somewhere with a pool bar.” The sand was optional, really. It was the sun-water-cocktail combination that needed to be preserved. “I’ve still got holiday left from Dominic’s.”
Peering through the oven door, Andrew decided the fish was probably ready, so he pulled it out and set it on their plates before levitating them over to the table. “I think it went well,” he said. “I was… less awkward.” He hadn’t quite managed to be not awkward, which was obviously the goal, but it had been a step in the right direction. “I told Evan’s dad that I met him by dislocating Evan’s shoulder and he didn’t even seem upset.” Which was definitely good, because Andrew really hadn’t thought through the possible reactions to that story before he’d told it. “Hopefully it will keep getting easier.”
--
“We have a plan then,” Aisling agreed with a nod and a smile. She had no doubt that her and Andrew would have a lovely time on a holiday together, especially if all it involved was sun and cocktails near water, whether it be sea or pool. Aisling watched the plates levitate over as she got them some wine glasses and a bottle of rose that someone had left in the fridge. “It looks very nice, Andrew,” she told him honestly looking at the food. Settling back down at the table and pouring herself a glass of wine, Aisling smiled softly when Andrew said that he had been less awkward at the dinner with his boyfriend’s parents. Aisling had very little doubt that it would get easier and she was very pleased that Evan’s parents seemed perfectly happy to entertain any awkwardness Andrew might experience.
Once Andrew had joined her at the table, Aisling tried a small piece of the salmon so she could comfortable compliment him on how well it tasted. Which it did. “Oh, so I need to tell you something,” she said across the food. “It’s not a secret, hasn’t really ever been a secret but I don’t want you to find out from someone else and think I didn’t tell you,” Aisling explained. She really had never intended to keep her and Xavier’s relationship from Andrew, or anyone else for that matter, but it also just hadn’t... come up? “Xavier and I are in a relationship,” she told Andrew, washing the salmon down with a sip of wine. “Have been for a while now,” Aisling added since that was true. Even if they only would count it from when Aisling actually realised they were in a relationship, that was still a bit now.
--
“Thanks,” Andrew said, grinning as he sat down. “It’s new, from one of Evan’s cookbooks, so I hope it’s alright.” The recipe had been simple enough, so there was no real reason to be afraid it would be awful. He did try it first, in case it was undercooked or something, but it seemed to look the way he expected, so he signaled to Aisling that it was safe. “Evan doesn’t trust ovens,” he informed Aisling, with a hint of a smirk. He did find it amusing. “So he does things on the stove and I’m doing things that go in the oven.”
He took a sip of his wine as she explained she had a not-secret to tell him. The news surprised him. The band had been together for two years without much in the way of feelings between the members (discounting Andrew’s crush on Ken, which he’d never intended to act on). He believed Aisling when she said it hadn’t deliberately been kept secret, so he didn’t feel hurt - just , well, surprised. “How long’s a while?” he asked. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice.” He could easily believe it, really, but that was less fun to say.
--
At Andrew’s announcement that Evan didn’t trust ovens, Aisling rolled her eyes. “Of course he doesn’t,” she said with a small laugh. Aisling didn’t know Andrew’s boyfriend very well, but she felt she knew him enough to say that Evan was... peculiar. Somehow, it really wasn’t surprising at all that he mistrusted ovens. For presumably some very good reason. To him. “Well, I certainly appreciate your ability to trust ovens,” Aisling assured Andrew with another bite of the food. It really was very nice, so Aisling hoped that Evan, too, appreciated it. Though, she did have to admit there was something very endearing about the fact that Andrew and his boyfriend were splitting the cooking duties by who cooked how.
How long a while was somewhat of a tricky question, mostly because of how long it had taken Aisling to realise that her and Xavier were in a relationship. She did know, though, in hindsight, when it had started. “Um,” Aisling said reaching for her wine, only marginally embarrassed to admit just how long they hadn’t bothered to mention it. It was hardly as if they hadn’t acted like they were in a relationship, it wasn’t Aisling’s fault no one had noticed. “About five-ish months?” She offered, hiding her smile into the glass.
--
Andrew didn’t mind that Aisling was laughing at Evan’s suspicions of food that changed form in the oven - he’d certainly done his fair share of teasing, and he knew that Aisling didn’t mean it in a negative way. “Yeah,” he agreed. “So I’m looking up new oven recipes. I wanted to make quiche, but the one time I tried to do pastry it was inedible.” It really had been, a complete mess. Granted, he’d chosen (apparently) a very difficult pastry to start with. “Figured I’d save that for when I’m just cooking for myself.”
Five months was a long time for Aisling to have been in a not-secret relationship without Andrew noticing, especially when he’d been living with both her and Xavier the entire time. “Does everyone else know?” he asked, suddenly worried he’d been neglecting his friends in favour of Evan. Then again, he knew he’d seen both Aisling and Xavier plenty, even if he hadn’t asked after their love lives (which, really, he’d never been in the habit of doing anyway).
--
It really was very sweet, Aisling thought, Andrew looking into recipes that he could cook in an oven. Even if the reason for it was rather absurd. Still, she gave a small laugh and a nod. “Well, I’m happy to try your food out for as long as you feel safe it won’t taste awful,” Aisling commented. She had a lot of love for Andrew, but Aisling was not going to eat food that may not taste very well. So far, though, she hardly had any reason to suspect that Andrew’s cooking wouldn’t be fantastic.
“No,” Aisling replied shaking her head at Andrew’s question of whether anyone knew. “I don’t think anyone knows,” she commented honestly. Aisling would hardly have not told Andrew. Besides, it seemed like a safe assumption to make that if everyone did know, someone would have said something. Probably. Right? “Well, Mary-Anne knows,” Aisling corrected amusedly. “She walked in on us,” she explained, holding her hand up briefly. “Fully dressed,” Aisling added since they had been. “But it was still quite funny,” which it had been.
Taking a sip of her wine, Aisling smiled softly. “He makes me happy,” she told Andrew honestly.
--
“Well, at least I’m not the only oblivious idiot,” Andrew said, somewhat reassured. If Nina and Ken hadn’t noticed either, then there probably hadn’t been too much to miss. He chuckled at the image of Mary-Anne walking in on them, and was glad he and Evan had gotten pretty good at making sure the door was warded, most of the time. “Poor Mary-Anne,” he said. “I think this is the kind of thing Ginny probably wanted me to protect her from.” He hadn’t really done a particularly good job, but then he also wasn’t sure what he was really supposed to do. He’d be happy to help out with anything Mary-Anne needed, but Panquake House already ran so smoothly that there seemed little he needed to do.
He smiled around his fork when Aisling said Xavier made her happy. “Well, that’s what matters,” he said, when he’d swallowed his green beans. “And that you make him happy, which I’m sure you do, because you’re amazing.” That, and the fact they’d already been together five months. If Xavier was unhappy with the arrangement, presumably he’d have done something about it. “Are you going to meet his mum?” Aisling had already met Xavier’s sisters, because they’d come to Xavier’s birthday.
--
Aisling really didn’t feel all that bad about Mary-Anne’s punishment for an inability to knock, mostly because she still found it very funny. The expression on the girl’s face had been extremely amusing, even if Aisling accepted that laughing at it might’ve been a bit much. She had apologised, multiple times, though, and Mary-Anne didn’t seem too distraught over it, so it was okay. Aisling did give a small laugh at Andrew’s assurances that he was sure she made Xavier happy, too, by the virtue of being amazing. Whilst Aisling wasn’t too convinced about her greatness, she knew she did make Xavier happy, because he had said as much. Aisling did still offer an amused ‘thank you’ to Andrew, before her eyes widened slightly at his question.
“I’ve met his mum,” she said, because she had. “Just not as... his girlfriend, I guess?” Xavier’s mum was lovely, as were his sisters and the other family members Aisling had met. There was a reason why Xavier (and now Mary-Anne) was the only person in the band who actually enjoyed spending time with his family. “I suppose?” She added with a small frown. Aisling didn’t think they disliked her, at all, but she wasn’t sure whether they’d want her as their son’s girlfriend. “Probably cross that bridge when it comes to it,” Aisling said with a small shrug. It was a scary thought and not one she particularly cared to entertain right now.
After a few more bites of the food, Aisling gave Andrew a small smile. “Tell me about you instead,” she urged, mostly to shift the conversation away from her. Aisling didn’t particularly enjoy any conversation that concentrated on her.
--
Andrew could definitely, definitely understand not wanting to rush into meeting the parents (in the role of girlfriend, rather than bandmate) before it was necessary. He didn’t know whether he was ever going to try to introduce Evan to his mum. It didn’t seem very likely to go well, on either side. “Well, let me know if you want me to tell you how wonderful you are more often when it happens,” he offered. He was certain he already told Aisling that she was wonderful, but he could make sure to increase his efforts if she was feeling nervous about meeting Xavier’s family. It might not help, but at the very least it couldn’t hurt anything either.
Andrew sipped his wine, trying to figure out if there was much else to say. There wasn’t any band or music stuff Aisling needed to be updated on, and as much as he didn’t think she’d object he wasn’t in any particular rush to tell him about his and Evan’s proposed outing to a sex shop. “Evan thinks I can’t love him,” he said, after a moment of silence. “And that he’d need to be… different, if I was going to. But I don’t want him to be different.” What Andrew wanted was to love Evan exactly as he was - or to be able to tell him he did, because it had all got a bit muddled and now he wasn’t sure what he was feeling. Maybe he should try making a list.
--
“You’re very sweet,” Aisling told Andrew with a grin, taking a sip of her wine. It was unlikely that Aisling would need such assurances, but she did appreciate Andrew’s offer. There was also no doubt in Aisling’s mind that Andrew really would assure her how wonderful she was if she ever felt the need to hear it. Luckily, though, Aisling was pretty good at reminding herself how wonderful she was. Or at least, not being terribly upset about potentially not being wonderful. “I promise to return the favour,” she added reaching out to give Andrew’s hand a squeeze. It may have mostly sounded like she was joking, but Aisling would honestly be very happy to reassure Andrew that he was wonderful, too, whenever he needed her to.
Thankfully, Aisling had put her wine down when Andrew started speaking again, as she suspected she may have choked on the wine otherwise. That didn’t sound... good? Except they had just spoken about Andrew meeting Evan’s parents so they couldn’t have been broken up. Which didn’t actually make it much clearer at all. Aisling was quite sure if she thought someone she was with couldn’t love her, she would definitely break up with them. It seemed like a very hurtful thing to think. “Why does Evan think that?” She asked feeling perhaps it might be best to establish what the context was of what Andrew was trying to say here.
--
“I don’t know.” To Andrew, it was perfectly obvious that Evan didn’t need to change, that he was amazing exactly as he was. The problem was entirely on Andrew’s side, and he couldn’t help feeling guilty that Evan seemed to be taking the blame. “He said it was ‘just fact’.” Which it couldn’t be. Unless Andrew just couldn’t be in love with anyone, but he didn’t really believe that. He loved Aisling, after all, and Ginny. True, he’d known them a lot longer, but in a way that was reassuring. He would love Evan, in time. Wouldn’t he?
He studied Aisling, pushing the crumbs of chive around the edge of his plate. “I don’t know how to convince him that he doesn’t need to change.” Not that Evan was trying to change, because he’d declared that impossible, but Andrew still didn’t want him thinking it was necessary. “I tried just telling him he didn’t have to, and that he’s amazing.” Andrew wasn’t convinced that had worked, though.
--
Aisling was almost definitely sure she was missing something. It was hardly as if she knew Andrew’s relationship well, but Aisling was pretty certain in that Andrew really didn’t want Evan to change. He seemed happy, happier than she’d ever seen him before, and that was because of Evan. So Aisling really wasn’t sure where all of this was coming from. Or where it was at, really. “It doesn’t really answer my question,” Aisling commented carefully. It didn’t, but Aisling wasn’t convinced Andrew could answer her question. So instead she opted for asking a different one.
Reaching for her wine, Aisling watched Andrew carefully for a moment. “Andrew,” she said softly to make sure he looked at her. “Are you in love with Evan?” Aisling had assumed he was, quite honestly. They’d been together for a while, spent, from what she could tell, a lot of time together without growing bored of each other. Aisling felt almost guilty for not having tried to talk to Andrew about it before, but really, she hadn’t thought she had to. Perhaps that had been a mistake.
--
Andrew hesitated over the question. He’d been sure that he hadn’t, and that had made him feel guilty whenever Evan said it, but then Evan had assured him the guilt was unnecessary, and Andrew had become more comfortable. Now he didn’t know quite how to measure it. “I want to be,” he said, which also didn’t really answer the question. He couldn’t say he didn’t know, because that sounded ridiculous. If you didn’t know whether or not you were in love, then you weren’t, right? And Evan had apparently found it so easy to be sure.
Maybe he should start at the beginning, rather than expecting Aisling to understand the situation without any explanation. “He told me he was a while ago,” he admitted. “And I wasn’t then. And nothing’s really changed since.” Did Andrew feel differently? The guilt was gone, or had been until his recent conversation brought it back. “And then I was scared, of it hurting more if we broke up.” He didn’t really feel that anymore either. Breaking up with Evan would hurt either way.
--
“Oh, sweetheart,” Aisling said softly, reaching out to give Andrew’s hand a squeeze at his words that he had been scared it’d hurt if they broke up. Sadly, heartbreak tended to be the risk one took when getting involved with someone else. But Aisling almost felt that for Andrew it would feel more frightening as a prospect, both because this was his first relationship and because he was just so young. Aisling may not have had a great deal of experience with relationship, but she felt she probably approached them and felt about them quite different from Andrew.
After a moment, Aisling pulled back, taking another bite of her food as she thought about Andrew’s words. Once having washed the food down with wine, Aisling put the glass down, looking at Andrew. “What do you think love feels like, Andrew?” Aisling asked curiously.
--
Andrew squeezed Aisling’s hand back before she pulled it away. “Evan called me an idiot,” he said, smiling. “I think you win.” He really hadn’t minded Evan telling him he was stupid, but he was quite glad Aisling hadn’t said it as well. (She still might think it now Andrew had brought it up, but that would be okay too.)
He shrugged slightly, not sure how to describe it. He’d never loved anyone romantically. Presumably it would feel different to loving Aisling or Ginny. “I don’t know how to put it into words,” he said, then chuckled. “Well. I could probably put it into a song, if you gave me enough time. Maybe.” Or maybe he’d just end up writing another song about Evan. Which was either significant or unhelpful, and Andrew wasn’t sure which. “Evan made a list. Maybe I should try that.”
--
Aisling did laugh when Andrew announced that Evan had called him an idiot for worrying about them breaking up. It was, in a way, rather sweet, she supposed. Aisling wasn’t quite sure she understood the way Evan thought but clearly it worked with Andrew, which was the only thing that actually mattered. It then also was not surprising that Evan had made a list. It didn’t answer Aisling’s question though, but she supposed not being able to put concepts of love into words was fair. She, too, suspected that writing a song might be easier. Or well, for her, it’d probably be music rather than lyrics.
Deciding that her questions weren’t really getting her any answers, Aisling thought of a different way to approach the situation. “So what do you find more upsetting?” She asked. “That Evan thinks you can’t love him and doesn’t seem too bothered about it or the fact that it makes you feel guilty?” Because Aisling felt that perhaps those two weren’t quite the same.
--
Andrew didn’t have to think about that for very long at all. “That he thinks I can’t,” Andrew answered immediately, then frowned. “I’m… relieved he’s not upset about it.” Because if Evan was, he would probably leave, and that was exactly what Andrew was afraid of. “But he shouldn’t think he has to change.” He wanted Aisling to tell him that, of course Andrew was able, and of course he would and it wouldn’t take too long. Of course, Aisling didn’t really know any better than Andrew did about any of those things, but it would have been reassuring.
He finished off the last of his veggies, resting his cutlery on his plate. “Do I just wait?” he asked. “I said I wouldn’t say it unless it was true.” And he wouldn’t have wanted to lie, even if Evan hadn’t already asked him not to. Maybe he should make a list. Or reread Evan’s list and see if it applied. If it did, would that count as being in love?
--
“No, he shouldn’t,” Aisling agreed with a nod. No one should ever feel like they weren’t enough in a relationship. In a way that was what surprised her in that Evan did and yet wasn’t attempting to break up with Andrew. It couldn’t possibly be a very nice thought to live with and Aisling completely understood Andrew’s reservations over the whole thing. Though his question of whether he was to just wait, made her pause slightly. She certainly didn’t think he should say it unless it was true, because that just seemed rather cruel and Andrew was not a cruel person.
Topping up her glass of wine, and then Andrew’s too, Aisling gave a soft sigh. “You care about Evan very much, that is clear,” she commented finally. It was also true, at least from what she knew of Andrew and had seen of his relationship. “And the reason I asked what you think love is,” and there Aisling paused again, trying to decide on the best words to follow. “I wonder whether you imagine it to be something it’s not,” she explained.
“Love should be fun, Andrew,” Aisling said taking a sip of her wine. “It’s something that makes you want the best things for the other person, that makes you want to spend time with them, that makes you happy to just be near them,” and perhaps it wasn’t that for everyone, but it certainly applied to almost everyone else Aisling had ever known to be in love. “It’s something that makes you want to be the best possible person, but it’s also...” And there Aisling shrugged. “It doesn’t necessarily shake up your whole world. It doesn’t have to. I worry that you might be waiting for something that’s never going to happen,” Aisling admitted softly.
--
Though he toyed with his wine glass, Andrew didn’t drink. He knew he cared about Evan, but that wasn’t enough on it’s own, was it? He frowned, trying to focus on the question of what he expected love to feel like. “I guess,” he said slowly, “I expected to feel less scared. I thought maybe I’d just realise that I already loved him and there was no use being scared anymore.” It was as close as he could come to a description of what he’d been waiting for. There hadn’t been a moment where he’d realised the fear had burst, like a bubble, but looking for it now, it seemed to have eroded away.
“I don’t feel guilty when he says he loves me anymore.” That was progress, even if by itself it hadn’t seemed enough to suggest to Andrew that he might not have the same reason to feel guilty. “I’m not expecting it to shake up the world. I just thought I’d feel… more. Evan said sometimes he feels like he has to say something, because otherwise it feels too much, or something.” Andrew hadn’t experienced that - at least, not really. There had been moments where he wished he had something more to say.
He frowned. “How do I know for sure whether I’m waiting for something that’s never going to happen, though?” He didn’t want to be wrong, to accidentally tell Evan he loved him if he didn’t. That would be hurtful, Evan had made that clear. “And what if he doesn’t believe me? What if I have to convince him? I don’t know how I’d do that if I still thought I might be waiting for something.”
--
“Whether you’re in love or not, I’m not sure it’s any less scary to think about how much it might hurt to lose someone you care for,” Aisling said softly unsure whether any of what she was telling Andrew was actually helpful. There was very little doubt in Aisling’s mind that Andrew was perfectly capable of loving Evan, or anyone else for that matter. Aisling didn’t really feel very supportive of sitting around and expecting feelings to appear, that seemed rather harsh to the person who you were hoping to develop feelings for. But Andrew wasn’t the one waiting and Aisling wasn’t good enough of a person to express concern for Evan if Andrew was happy.
Andrew’s admission that he had expected it to feel like more did very little to convince Aisling this was really going to work out in long term for Andrew. Which also wasn’t something she thought particularly helpful to say. But without telling Andrew what he should feel, Aisling didn’t quite know what she could say. “Love doesn’t have to feel the same way for everyone, though,” she told Andrew gently. “Broad strokes, sure, but not exactly the same,” Aisling explained with a small shrug, unsure whether she was necessarily in a position to pass such comment.
As of what would happen if Andrew said it and Evan didn’t believe him, well, she could hazard a guess. “Then don’t say it,” she said frankly. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but the way I see it, if you’re not in love with him, then saying it and then attempting to defend it is hardly going to end well, is it?” With a shake of her head, Aisling gave a marginally frustrated sigh. “I don’t know what to tell you, Andrew. Are you sure you’re happy?” Which was an odd thing to ask, because Aisling could’ve sworn Andrew was up until this conversation.
--
Andrew shook his head slightly, hardly surprised that he wasn’t communicating very clearly. This was the bit Evan was good at. “That’s different. I was afraid of being in love with him, not just afraid of losing him.” Obviously, he was still afraid of that, even if he was fairly confident it wouldn’t be happening immediately. “And now I’m… not.” If that had been what he was waiting for, and it had just happened so gradually that he hadn’t noticed, did that mean he was in love now? He wished he could be sure. Evan deserved for him to be sure.
“You’re not wrong,” he said. He couldn’t imagine trying to convince Evan would go well if Andrew wasn’t really certain of what he was saying. All the more reason he needed to become certain, if only he could work out how. Her last question surprised him. “Of course I’m happy,” he said immediately, before considering the question in more depth. “Maybe not right this second.” Right now he was mostly confused, and slightly frustrated - all emotions directed towards himself. “When I’m with Evan I’m happy, always.” He couldn’t stop the smile, the one that usually appeared when he was journaling Evan. It was mostly when Andrew spent time away from Evan that he tangled his thoughts up like this, and couldn’t see his way out of them. Evan helped, but Andrew didn’t think he could ask Evan to tell him whether or not Andrew was in love with him. “He’s amazing,” he added. “And he loves me.” Which still didn’t make much sense to Andrew, but he did at least believe it.
He took a sip of his wine before standing, clearing the plates and leaving only the glasses and the bottle. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’ve been expecting it to be something bigger than it needs to be. Like, a lightbulb moment. If it doesn’t need to be that -” He shrugged.
--
Aisling sighed before realising that most of this conversation had been intersected with her sighing. That probably wasn’t an indication of it going well. In way, she supposed maybe she just didn’t get it. Aisling understood the fear of losing someone. It was an uncomfortable kind of feeling that sat low in her chest. She didn’t understand being scared of being in love with someone. It seemed so highly inconsequential that Aisling didn’t quite get it. “I think,” she said thoughtfully, watching Andrew clear the plates away. “That perhaps we love in a different way,” which seemed like a fair presumption, since from her own claim, people did love differently.
The smile that appeared on Andrew’s face when he spoke about Evan, made Aisling happy. Even without the claim that Andrew was happy when he was with Evan, Aisling could’ve had her question answered just by that look alone. It pleased her immensely that Evan had told Andrew he loved him and that seemingly Andrew had accepted that just as easily as it had been offered. If anything, Aisling may have worried more that Andrew wouldn’t accept it, than return it.
“Maybe you’re making it too complicated for yourself,” Aisling said as she turned in her chair, watching Andrew move, the glass of wine secure in her hand. “I really just want you to be happy,” she told Andrew because it was true. But there was a small pause Aisling gave after. “You’re very lucky to have found someone so willing to put up with all your emotional constipation,” she informed him, the tone teasing but the words not any less untrue.
--
At Aisling’s words, Andrew did briefly hope that Evan wouldn’t be disappointed by the way Andrew loved. He pushed the thought away, deeming it unlikely. He and Evan were great together, and Evan didn’t seem to have a problem with the way Andrew liked him, so surely it would fine.
“Maybe,” he agreed. “I don’t know how to uncomplicate it.” Maybe he should write a song. Or a list. Or both. “He makes me happy, and I want to make him happy, and we can talk about things.” He tried to remember how Aisling had described love. Did Evan make Andrew want to be a better person? Yes. He carried the plates to the sink, filling it up and leaving them to soak before turning back to Aisling.
That, at least, he could agree with. “I know.” He really did consider himself incredibly lucky, and he just hopped he wasn’t going to end up pushing Evan away while he tried to work out his own feeling. He moved closer, sliding an arm around Aisling’s waist and kissing her cheek. “Two someones,” he pointed out. “You put up with me very well.” She really did. “And Xavier isn’t allowed to be jealous when I kiss you.” Xavier did not seem the jealous type, which was good because Andrew wasn’t giving up his platonic kissing privileges.
--
When Andrew came to hug her, telling her she, too, put up with him, Aisling laughed. “Well, I’m unsure how helpful I really am,” she commented wrapping an arm around his waist to return the hug. “But I do enjoy putting up with you,” Aisling added teasingly. Andrew was, as far as Aisling was concerned, like her baby brother. Better than her actual baby brother, since Aisling actually liked Andrew. Aisling was also pretty sure that Xavier was hardly going to get jealous of how close she was with Andrew. For one, that seemed just silly and for another, Aisling, too, did not think Xavier to be the jealous type.
“And you know,” Aisling added pulling back so she could look at Andrew. “You are perfectly capable of loving someone,” she told him, unsure whether she had really made that clear. She wanted to add that this was the case even if that someone didn’t turn out to be Evan, but since Andrew seemed and proclaimed to be happy, Aisling was unsure whether that was appropriate. “And I’m always here to remind you that,” Aisling a touch more seriously, even if she hoped it wasn’t a promise that she’d have to upheld very often. Mostly because Aisling doubted she knew the right things to say. At least she kept back plenty that she knew weren’t the right things to say.
--
“You help,” Andrew insisted. Maybe not this time, necessarily, but Aisling had definitely helped with things in the past, and Andrew appreciated that enormously. It was why he’d talked about it to her in the first place. “And when you can’t help, you feed me posh chocolate or expensive alcohol.” More often the chocolate, if Andrew was honest. He liked his alcohol plain and inexpensive, unless they were out at a fancy cocktail bar, or something.
Andrew smiled as Aisling reassured him he was capable of loving someone. It was good to hear that she believed it, because she knew him better than many people, and seemed to understand why he struggled sometimes. “I know,” he said, smiling as he hugged her harder. “I love you, don’t I?” He probably didn’t say it enough, and it was a different kind of love, but he did.