HIGGS, terence. (higgles) wrote in reduxpitch, @ 2016-08-06 22:03:00 |
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Entry tags: | !thread, character: terence higgs |
who ? terence higgs and an npc
when ? saturday afternoon, 6th august
where ? muggle world
what ? a conversation at a wake
warnings (please read!) ? reference to death by suicide of an npc; living with ptsd; domestic abuse; funeral
status ? complete / narrative
Higgs’ birthday had gone by in a blur of funeral preparation. One of the reasons he had left as soon as the letter had arrived informing him of Johnny’s death, was because Higgs wanted to help. A little too late, but even so. Organising funeral was a lot like going through the motions. What flower should go where, who should be notified, when will the procession take place, does anyone want to say any words, do you need candles, who stands on which side. There was just a lot of procedure to follow and traditions that no one quite understood. Thankfully, the funeral director had told Higgs what he needed to do and choices that should be made by Cassie. She had seemed to appreciate the help, or at least not decline it.
The funeral had gone by on Saturday as fine as one would expect. It as a funeral. The wake, which is where Higgs was now, was more sociable. He’d given up on telling people to stop addressing him by his rank. It didn’t seem like the place to do and yet with so many fellow soldiers, current or former, Higgs wasn’t terribly surprised that they wouldn’t address him by name. It felt like an oddly bittersweet homecoming of a home he left behind a year ago, in a flurry of noise and scars.
People were standing around, eating sausage rolls, which seemed terribly inappropriate for a funeral and yet somehow always featured. They were being eaten, perhaps to get rid of, Higgs wasn’t sure, but he did also have some on the plate he’d been holding for the best part of the last hour. There were just so many ‘hello’s and ‘how have you been’ and just many niceties that Higgs was sure no one particularly wanted to be exchanging. It wasn’t a social event. They were burying a friend. And everyone seemed to be acutely aware of it.
“I brought you some food,” Higgs said, sitting across from Cassie and putting the plate down next to himself. She offered him half a smile, putting her daughter down, telling her to go play with the kids. “How old is she now?” Higgs asked not particularly surprised he hadn’t had the time to ask before. She’d grown, but then, kids tended to.
“Four,” Cassie replied glancing at him from where she had been watching Katya run off.
“Four!” Higgs exclaimed, not necessary surprised by the fact that the child was four, but more by how quickly four years had gone by. “Jesus, I remember Johnny getting that call,” he said with a shake of his head. “We were stationed in this shanty town in the middle of nowhere, and it was just him shouting down the phone. I thought he was going to get us all killed by blowing our cover. God,” Higgs shook his head with small amusement in his voice. “He was so happy, no one had the heart to tell him off,” he added with a laugh, before frowning at his own words. “Shit, Cassie,” pointing out how happy you remember the man who just killed himself was most likely bad taste. “I’m sorry,” he was, for many things.
At that Cassie smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “He didn’t come home the same man, Terence,” she said softly and he frowned. “No, don’t judge me,” she told him and he hadn’t. “I know that the things you see out there, they affect you, but...” There was a soft sigh in the pause. “Seven years and he always came home the man I married. What happened last summer,” and there Higgs was the one to look away. Six dead, four injured. Higgs had left. Johnny had stayed. Yee had left. Barnes had stayed.
Seven dead, three injured.
“He wasn’t the same,” Cassie repeated dragging Higgs back from where he was sliding down memories of noise and light and blood. The heat. “The nightmares came first, and I couldn’t--” She shook her head and Higgs didn’t look away. Stopped himself from looking away. She deserved better. “He wouldn’t accept that there was something wrong,” she said softly. “But he wasn’t the same,” Cassie told him, her hand coming up to brush over her collarbone almost subconsciously. There was a thin scar running out across her skin and Higgs’ mouth suddenly felt dry.
“He hit you,” he said blankly, anger pooling low in his stomach.
Cassie looked up, her hand pausing where it was on her collarbone, clearly realising what she’d done. “He didn’t mean to,” she told him softly and Higgs could feel his face move into an expression of distaste. Objection. “No,” she interrupted before he could even say anything. “I’m not stupid, Terence,” she told him and he wouldn’t have said that, but then, Cassie carried on talking so he had no chance to argue. “I know people aren’t meant to hit the people they love. But he wasn’t--” There was a shake of her head and Higgs had no idea what that meant. “How he was, even after,” and this time she did consciously brush over the scar, clearly aware he knew the meaning of the gesture now. “I didn’t know him,” she finished and there were tears slowly being blinked away. Higgs hated this. Hated Johnny. Hated himself.
“I’m sorry,” he said honestly. Sorry about everything. Sorry about what had happened even if he wasn’t his fault. Sorry about not being there to help. Sorry about Johnny being so broken. Sorry about not having checked up on him. Sorry about everything that had lead him to sit in Cassie’s house and listen to her talk about how her now dead husband beat her.
“Don’t be,” Cassie said, like she needed to make him feel better. “He always admired you, you know,” she told him and Higgs looked at her sharply. “Ever since he met you. Higgs this and Higgs that,” there was a soft laugh with the memory and Higgs didn’t think he deserved it. “I think he would’ve asked you to be Katya’s godfather if my brother hadn’t been so insistent,” and Higgs would have gladly accepted, too, he thought. He wanted to apologise again and she seemed to know. “Don’t be,” she told him without Higgs saying the words. “He wouldn’t have accepted help. I tried. Even with everything, he wouldn’t admit,” she shrugged. “I don’t know? Fault? Failure? Whatever it was, Johnny couldn’t,” and the words now were almost icy cold. He’d let her down. All of them had let Cassie down.
And yet here they were. Seven dead and three injured. Sometimes it felt like all ten of them had died. The thought of whether that would have been easier, fairer on Cassie was not one Higgs cared to acknowledge. It didn’t stop him from thinking it.
“Are you okay?” She asked and Higgs knew what she meant.
“I’m fine,” he replied and, maybe for once, knew how much that was a lie.
“Will you stay?” It wasn’t really a question and more of a beg, and Higgs reached out to take her hand.
“Of course,” he told her. He owed her at least that much.