who ? alicia spinnet-higgs and terence higgs-spinnet when ? backdated to monday, 6th june, after this where ? alicia's flat, diagon alley what ? talking status ? complete
It was tiring. It was tiring and frustrating and it made Higgs feel guilty for even thinking that. He felt trapped in this perpetual circle of trying so hard and it never, ever being enough. Whatever it was he was doing? It wasn’t enough. A lot of the frustration, he thought, probably came from that. The way he just didn’t know how to help. It didn’t matter whether he told Alicia repeatedly that he loved her, either she didn’t or couldn’t accept that. Higgs didn’t know which and frankly, he wasn’t sure which he’d prefer. It was exhausting to have the same conversation over and over again and not be able to help. There was nothing Higgs wanted more than for Alicia to feel like she was worth it. Not worth him, or worth Weasley, or worth anything other than herself. And he just didn’t know how to help her feel like that.
He had asked where she was because Higgs hadn’t trusted himself to reply to what Alicia had written. The frustration, he feared, would seep through his words and Higgs would say something that would either be too easy to misinterpret or, far worse, something he didn’t mean. Not that Higgs was completely convinced that he wouldn’t do exactly the same in person, but at least it would be easier to judge whether he had. It took Higgs approximately no time at all to apparate to Alicia’s flat, eyes instantly focusing on his wife as she was lying on the sofa, almost too visibly making herself look so fucking small. All Higgs wanted to do was hug her. Probably the only currently good thing about this situation was that he felt like he could.
Walking over, Higgs physically lifted Alicia once he had sat down to pull her in. Pressing a soft kiss against her forehead, Higgs sighed. “What happened?” Higgs asked because something had to have happened. He thought they had been making progress, thought that Alicia had been feeling better. This? This was not better.
--
Alicia wanted to be okay. She wanted to believe everything he said, to trust that he meant what he said and that he knew what he was talking about. She wanted his words to be louder than the things in her head and the things she felt. She wanted to be happy--for herself, not just for him, and to be able to take this second chance and make the most of it. Terence was not the only person frustrated by her inability to do any of that. Alicia was so tired of crying all the time. So tired of falling apart and needing to be put back together. Yes, what had happened with George was terrible and regrettable and he needed time to heal. But was it worth falling apart over again and again and again? No, it wasn’t. But then, if she hadn’t fallen apart repeatedly out of guilt, she also probably wouldn’t have started up a relationship with him in the first place if she knew she’d end up back with her husband anyway.
But regardless. Seeing Fred, being told that George would never truly be over the hurt and betrayal, brought everything back, everything she’d worked past and tried to put behind her. Alicia felt like the worst kind of person, a deplorable human being, selfish and uncaring. What she wanted, more than being able to take things in stride without going off the deep end, was a hug; however, she also felt sure that Terence was tired of this. He should have been tired of it, anyone would have been. It was at least the third time an interaction with a Weasley twin had sent her over the edge, the third time she’d lost it because of George. Anyone would have gotten irritated and frustrated with her, why should Terence be any different? Even Alicia was tired of crying about George.
Although, this time it wasn’t just because of him. She’d been upset, sure. She’d felt weepy and foolish, thinking the two of them could just forget anything had happened between them and that everything would be going back to normal. But then she’d written to Terence and hinted that something was wrong without actually telling him. Because she was a frustrating woman. Impossible. A horrible wife. Alright, so he’d only said the first thing, but Alicia could read between the lines. He said he loved her, but loving her was work, and there was no logical reason for it. There was no reason for him to put so much effort into loving a broken person, not when his love apparently wasn’t enough for her.
She wanted so badly for it to be enough. She wanted it to be everything. To let the fact that she had what she’d thought she wanted be the only thing she needed. But it wasn’t, none of it was enough to dig her out of the pit she kept letting herself fall in. Alicia had almost stopped crying by the time he got there, almost had herself under control again, but when he came and held her, she buried her face in her hands as she tried to keep herself from falling apart yet again.
The problem was that it felt like she was doing exactly the same thing to Terence that she’d done to George. Like she was taking everything he was so willing and eager to give, without giving him back anything in return. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t seeking anything in return if Alicia never had anything to give him. That wasn’t a partnership, and they weren’t equals; it was just Alicia using him, that’s all their relationship was. And one day, he would realize it too.
“Nothing,” she finally responded, moving her hands and wiping at her cheeks. “Nothing happened. I saw George’s brother Fred and I realized how stupid I’ve been about all this, thinking that I could be forgiven for ruining everything, like you and me, and George, could just all go back to normal, like I hadn’t broken anything.” As much as she wanted to, the tears just wouldn’t stop rolling silently down her cheeks, even as she dabbed at them with the long sleeves at her wrists. Of course she couldn’t pretend like everything would ever be fine. Terence didn’t trust her, and George would never be able to look at her or think about her without feeling the hurt she’d caused him. Maybe that was her husband’s problem, too.
“Sometimes I think you’d be better off if you just left and got over me.”
--
Automatically, as Higgs pulled Alicia in, his hand came to brush lightly against her side, the thumb making small circles on her hip as Higgs listened. There was no predicting what Weasley’s brother might have said to Alicia, but from her reaction, Higgs could only presume it hadn’t been very pleasant. Higgs would lie if he said that his whole friendship thing she was hoping to do with Weasley didn’t bother him, of course it did, but even him expressing that hadn’t seemed to make Alicia think any less that she could be friends with her ex. Now, though, she didn’t seem all that convinced.
Higgs couldn’t help but sigh softly when she told him that she had broken everything. That, too, was a conversation they had had. Months ago, Higgs had told Alicia that he didn’t think she could break people, or even relationships, and he still believed that. He certainly had never felt broken. At her next words, Higgs frowned. “I don’t consider myself terribly off right now,” he told her honestly, bluntly. Could he have done with all of this being more straightforward? Sure. Perhaps slightly less crying. But neither were things that Higgs associated with their relationship. It was just something that Alicia was going through because she was unwell and Higgs was there to help her. He never presumed this was what it would be like forever, and maybe, even if it would, he was okay with that, because there were non-crying moments and those made all of this worth it.
“Besides,” he added, pulling Alicia’s legs up, so he could put them across his own, hopefully making them both more comfortable. “I will never get over you,” Higgs said. Meant it, too. “You’ve got all of me, pet, so you might as well get used to it,” he told her, hand still running over Alicia’s leg. “And no matter how many tears you cry, I’m not going to stop loving you,” Higgs concluded, before pressing another soft kiss this time against Alicia’s cheek.
--
It was pure instinct to curl into him the closer he pulled her, to try and make them one person. Maybe then she would understand exactly what he felt (though, knowing Alicia, she likely would still find ways to misinterpret it). They couldn't become one, however, so she just tried to draw whatever comfort from him that she could, shoulders sagging as she tried to let his words sink in. It still didn't make any sense, didn't seem at all logical, but she wanted him to love her, so why was she arguing, either out loud or in her head, that he couldn't possibly?
"I promise I'm not trying to push you away," she said softly, resting her temple against his shoulder as she pressed her palms into her cheekbones. Most of her did realize that pushing him away was exactly what she was doing, even as she apparently seemed helpless to stop herself from doing it. The only thing she could seem to do was stop herself from crying more, which she did, because she was tired of being ridiculous. She just wished she felt more control over how she felt.
"All I ever wanted was for you to love me." She paused and breathed out a soft, somewhat bitter laugh. "Now you do and I can't stop trying to talk you out of it."
--
Higgs couldn’t help but give another small sigh at Alicia’s words. He didn’t think she tried to push him away, not per se, at least. The problem was that a lot of her actions certainly didn’t make it easier and Higgs didn’t think it was particularly fair to pretend they did. This was probably not the time to bring that up but then when was? It seemed that they only ever really spoke about the important things when Alicia was sad, which, in the greater scheme of things, was probably a pretty shit habit they were both developing. “I know that,” he said finally, because Higgs did know that Alicia didn’t try to, didn’t intentionally make him feel like almost everything he did was just not enough. “But sometimes,” Higgs added, feeling that it did need saying. “I have to remind myself that,” he admitted.
“You’re not going to talk me out of loving you,” Higgs told her. It was the truth. Even if this was going to go down in flames, despite whatever efforts they poured into it, Higgs would always love Alicia. Had done so when they marriage had first broken down and fully intended to never be able to stop. “But I’m tired, Alicia,” he continued with a small shake of his head. That, too, probably needed saying. And if it didn’t, well, it was too late to stop now. “I am really tired of constantly failing to convince you. It’s exhausting to keep having this conversation and just not feeling like--” There was another sigh and another shake of his head. Higgs wasn’t quite sure where he was going with that sentence. “I don’t want to fail you, and it feels a lot like I do nothing but,” Higgs admitted.
--
As much as the conversation maybe needed to happen and clear the air about a few things, it hurt to have. It hurt enough that Alicia closed her eyes to it, because it just hurt too much to have her fears confirmed. Terence said he was tired of feeling like he was failing her, but what she heard was that he was tired of her, of her not believing and trusting him. And maybe he never would stop loving her, but that didn’t mean he was going to stay with her. Not that she would blame him. How much could a person really take before they had to let go for their own sake? It wasn’t like she had left him because she didn’t love him anymore. She couldn’t fault him if he needed to do the same.
“You’re not failing me, none of that is your fault,” she told him in a small voice, wanting very much to tell him that he’d never failed her, but also knowing he would insist that he had, in fact, failed her the first time around, when he hadn’t seen the things she’d kept hidden from him. Alicia still didn’t see that as failing her, because she’d tried to keep the bad stuff from him, but she didn’t want to argue, and trying to convince him to let her have all the responsibility for how things had fallen apart the first time would only turn into an argument. She already felt like everything was slipping through her fingers.
“I’m sorry, I’ll do better.” Maybe if she just ignored her fears and insecurities, it would be better. Certainly nothing had improved in being honest and open about them; in fact, telling him seemed to be making things worse. Instead of just being unfounded frustrations, acknowledging them appeared to be giving them real form, turning the demons in her head into very real beasts. Maybe, if she lied to herself and everyone else, she’d finally stop believing there was any validity to her fears.
“I can do better,” she repeated, some resolve finally in her voice. Anything to keep him from leaving.
--
Well, Higgs did rather disagree that none of it was his fault. He wasn’t self-centered enough to think that all of it was, hardly, but it still seemed rather unfair to presume that at least in part he wasn’t responsible. Maybe not quite for most of it, but a relationship wasn’t really something that one could do on their own. It was, maybe, part of his frustration. That Higgs wanted to help, wanted to know all the answers and all the helpful things and he simply didn’t. The expectation that he would, Higgs knew, was unrealistic, but it sure as hell would have helped a lot if he just could.
“Do better at what?” Higgs asked with a small frown. As far as he could tell, Alicia wasn’t doing anything badly. They were still trying to find the right path to take down this marriage route, and it was a learning curve for both of them. Higgs had had to accept that what he thought the best and easiest way to fix things was, simply wasn’t going to work. He didn’t imagine the rest of his life being this constant fight to convince his wife he love her either, though. “Doing better how?” He asked. Personally, Higgs wasn’t able to outline anything that Alicia had done wrong in the first place, so he wasn’t sure what her plan for improving on that was. And what worried him more was that she’d force herself, try to be something she thought he wanted when that just wasn’t true.
--
That made only one of them, because Alicia could list at least four things off the top of her head that she was doing badly, and that was just in regards to her marriage. In regard to other things--her job, her family, her friends--the number would be quadrupled and she still would probably be able to think of ways to improve herself and her relationships. No, Alicia knew pretty much exactly what she was doing wrong with Terence.
“Believing you? Taking you at your word?” Whatever she was doing, it wasn’t enough, if they were still having this many problems. One of their biggest was obviously her inability to accept that he loved her and was going to stay with her, and that it would be much easier on both of them if she stopped fighting it and looking for the downside to everything. It wouldn’t fix everything, but it would be a huge start. Alicia refused to let her insecurities stand between them; all she needed was to start taking a stand against them.
“Being so afraid of something happening that I actually make it happen?” That was, perhaps, the biggest one. She could see that if she wasn’t careful, leaving was exactly the thing she would make him do.
--
As nice as the idea that there might be a switch, or a particular way to change the way one thought, Higgs wasn’t too sure that it would be possible for Alicia to just decide to believe him, to take him at his word. Of course, ideally, Higgs wished that could be the case. It was nice to think that he would be able to tell Alicia that she was loved and was worth all of his time and effort and just have her believe it. But Higgs was a realistic man and realised that it was highly unlikely for that to just happen. Not that it was going to stop him from telling Alicia that he did love her and did deem her worth his time and effort.
“Listen,” Higgs said instead, reaching out so he could cup her chin, a thumb lightly running over it as he lifted her head so she’d look at him. “You are difficult and you are frustrating,” he told her frankly. “But you’re also smart and passionate and sweet and I love you,” Higgs assured her because it was true. “I know you want to be some sort of perfect wife, Alicia,” he said tone slightly softer. “But I don’t want that,” because he really didn’t. “I just want you to be how you are,” Higgs added before smiling slightly. “And if that means a crying mess, then so be it,” he teased her, before pressing a soft kiss against her lips.
--
He was right, there was no switch to flip, nothing that could magically change her mind and make her believe, even after deciding that she was going to stop doubting. Alicia did still doubt. Mostly that she was worth his love and time, but at the same time, in doubting herself, wasn’t she also doubting the love he was capable of giving? In believing that she was unlovable, wasn’t she really just saying that Terence was incapable, that he didn’t have enough love in him? Because that wasn’t what she meant at all. Perhaps, instead of thinking about couldn’t she should think about shouldn’t, because, while still not being productive, it might, perhaps, be a step in the right direction. Baby steps, that was what their renewed relationship was supposed to be about.
And it helped that maybe he was willing to keep reminding her. It certainly helped her feel better every time he said he loved her. They’d gone so long without saying it, even when they each knew it to be true, that every time he said it now, it made her feel warm. She couldn’t lie and say that the words alone made her happy, but they definitely made her happier.
“You say that now, just wait until I start leaving mascara stains on your shirts,” she replied, but lightly teasing him back. There was still a weight on her, but spending time with Terence, like this, always helped. It helped her reaffirm their relationship, that their efforts might not be in vain. It was a reminder of the good times they’d had while he was home on leave.
“It might help if you kissed me again,” she said nonchalantly.
--
“Mascara stains on my shirt, you say?” Higgs repeated with a small smile. “Well, you know, I might have to take my shirt off if that is to be the case,” he told her teasingly but didn’t actually move to act on his words, mostly because he had a lapful of Alicia and his hands were busy stroking lightly over her side and cheek, respectively of each hand. “Would it help?” Higgs asked when she told him that kissing might be helpful. “Are you sure?” He smirked, leaning in to brush his hips against hers again, it was a soft and rather gentle kiss but none the less passionate.
After a while, and it was a while, Higgs pulled back, looking at Alicia as he run a thumb down her cheek and then over her lips. “I know you might not feel like it right now,” he said gently. “But to me, all the crying really doesn’t matter, I’m just glad to have you,” Higgs told her because it was true. Would he prefer less of the crying? Yes. Was he going to demand it? Hardly. “Trust me,” he urged gently. Her trust in his words was really the only thing that was going to make this work.
--
Alicia had a witty reply about removing his shirt on the tip of her tongue, but it disappeared when he kissed her; she would have liked very much if he just got rid of the fabric altogether, but she was content, at the moment, with simply kissing him. Any time she got to spend kissing him was time well spent, in her opinion. It didn’t even have to lead to anything else. She would never complain if it did, but it didn’t need to.
She nodded at his final words, vowing to both of them, even if silently, that she was going to try as hard as she could to trust him. After all, the last thing she wanted was for her insecurities to reflect on him. If he said he was in it for the long haul, she needed to take him at his word and not call him a liar without any sign suggesting otherwise.
“I love you.” Her own palm found his cheek as she searched his eyes, wondering if she had the courage to suggest the thing she thought might help the most. Trust him, he told her. Alicia knew he wasn’t going to walk away, and the worst he could say was no. But if he was indeed going to love her forever, then at least he wouldn’t be saying no because he didn’t want or have plans to. She just had to trust him, right?
“I want you to move in with me, again.” But before he could protest, she rushed on, qualifying her statement. “I’m not asking yet because I know we haven’t talked about it, it doesn’t even need to be here if you want a place with less baggage, I’m just...just telling you what I want. I want to live with you again, for real this time, more than just a few weeks at a time.” She paused to take a breath and let it out. “Just think about it?”
--
Higgs smiled softly when she told him she loved him, too, but the smile was quickly replaced with a frown as Alicia carried on talking. Living together was not something Higgs felt ready for. At all. He wouldn’t have agreed to build a house with Marcus if he had expected to move in with Alicia instead. It was hardly as if Higgs expected to never live with his wife, that wasn’t it at all. He just wasn’t planning to do so in near future because--it was just too soon and too much and Higgs worried what it might really mean for them if they were to live together. Hell, they had barely spent a night together since they’d agreed to try again, living together seemed like a rather big jump.
“I’m not ready for that,” Higgs told her honestly. There didn’t seem to be a point in mincing his words, in pretending that he would consider it and then have to break it to her that they probably shouldn’t be thinking about it now. “I want to spend time with you, I like seeing you a lot, but living together--” Higgs paused. There were reasons why he didn’t trust himself to live with her, but quite frankly, what to Higgs seemed more important was, if they couldn’t make this marriage work without living together, were they really going to be able to force it by sharing a home? It seemed unlikely. “I will live with you again,” Higgs assured her. “But not soon. I’m sorry, I can’t do soon,” the apology was mostly for disappointing her rather than for Higgs actual inability to let himself imagine that living together was what they needed right now.
--
Alicia worked very hard not to look crestfallen, to appear only disappointed, if anything at all, as she dropped her eyes and nodded, her suddenly feeling very heavy and out of place on the skin of his face. She hadn't expected a yes, or even a conversation about it yet; all she'd been looking for was confirmation that he could consider it. She knew he wasn't ready yet, he still didn't trust her, and neither of them ever stayed over with the other. But it still hurt to hear that he wouldn't even think about it, that he didn't have to think about it to know that he wasn't even ready for a conversation.
Her first instinct was to withdraw and push him away so she could be upset by herself. That was how she usually handled things. Push everyone away so she could go over and relive everything she'd done to ensure he wouldn't be ready in private. But she didn't do that. Alicia had decided she was done crying about everything, so she wasn't going to let herself start again. Maybe not being ready had nothing to do with her. She was entirely sure it was, but maybe there was a chance it wasn't. He said they'd live together again, just not soon. 'Soon' was far too ambiguous for someone with Alicia's talent for making everything her own fault; it could have meant one month or six or a year. But he said to trust him, and she said she would try.
"I wasn't looking for an answer now. I just wanted you to know how I felt," she said with a shrug, looking back up.
--
Higgs did want to know how Alicia felt and it seemed unfortunate that he wasn’t sure he knew how to explain that rushing into living together was not something Higgs felt comfortable about. He realised she wasn’t looking for an answer, or at least claimed not to be, but realistically, Higgs doubted that she hadn’t wanted a more positive response than ‘no’. It made him feel guilty, very much so. It made him feel awful, really, that he couldn’t make promises of all the things being fine and straightforward. Of course, it made sense that they would consider living together again, except that they had been back together for not very long and a lot of their exchanges still involved Alicia struggling with her own demons. Higgs doubted that making the situation more complicated by moving in together would be much use at all, and he had no doubt that it would make the situation more complicated.
“Thank you,” he said softly. “For telling me,” Higgs added in case it needed clarification. He sighed softly, trying to figure out how to explain, even if he wasn’t sure he could. “It’s too big of a step,” he said finally. “I can tell you that I’ll think about it, but I also feel that perhaps that would be unfair. I’m not ready to live with you, both for my sake and for yours. I think it would cause us more problems than fix them,” he admitted, hoping that at least some of that would make sense. Higgs hadn’t stopped running his fingers softly against Alicia’s side, the reaction almost natural. “But,” he added since it seemed appropriate. “I think you should move out from this flat,” Higgs told her honestly. They had picked this flat together, had been happy in it and then had broken up in it. Surely it was just a place filled with memories they were trying to put aside to build a new life together. No matter how slow that building process was going to take.
--
Perhaps Alicia’s problem was that she didn’t quite understand how much more complicated their relationship could possibly be. On the contrary, she thought that living together might, at least for her part, make things much more simple. Terence was right about moving back in together being a very big step, but she thought it was one that would, at the very least, be all the proof she would need to see that he was in this, regardless of her demons. She hoped that if he agreed to move in with her that even she wouldn’t be able to argue with what it meant. But while she was ready to have someone around all the time, whose simple presence would encourage her to take care of herself and be more open, it wasn’t her level of comfort and readiness that was important, and Alicia recognized that. It was why, while it hurt, she understood and accepted his answer without argument.
But at his suggestion that she find a new place, she became confused.
“Why?” Yes, the flat had been theirs, the one they picked out and moved into together, the first place either of them had really lived outside their parents’ homes, but Terence’s ghost no longer haunted her. He was there, in the flesh. When she looked around, she saw him everywhere--not just where they’d been happy before, but where they’d been happy since. There were old memories, bittersweet in nature, but new ones as well, and many of those held hope as well. Besides, even if they should move into a different place when they began living together again, it still felt natural that this flat should be a place they shared in the meantime, whether it was her place or his or theirs. Alicia had long since stopped thinking of it as a place that was separate from him anyway.
--
“Because it’s not yours,” Higgs stated frankly. “It’s always going to be somewhere we picked out together. Everything about this flat is attached to us as a couple,” it seemed fair and true to Higgs to claim that. Sure, now that they were back together, the way the flat represented a failed relationship had changed, but it still, at least to him, seemed to carry a heavy weight in what they used to be. “It’s yours as much as it is mine, and I don’t think that’s fair on you,” Higgs said wondering if it made much sense now that he was speaking his thoughts out loud. Personally, he felt that there was a lack of individuality, which Higgs thought was rather crucial in building their relationship anew, rather than raising it from the ashes of the old one.
Shifting slightly so he could look at Alicia better, Higgs frowned slightly. “I think maybe that’s part of why I don’t think we should live together yet,” he said softly. The guilt of the statement wasn’t really easing, but he still felt that he should at least try to explain. Or, well, explain better. “I love you and I want to be with you, but I don’t think that should mean everything about us is shared. I want you to feel like you can rely on me, but also not need to rely on me. That’s not fair on me, but I think, and this is a lot more important, it’s not fair on you,” Higgs told Alicia, honestly believing in his words.
--
Everything he said was true; everything from the furniture to the flat itself had been picked out by the both of them, and filled with items they bought together or had been given by various family members, as people with too many things were want to do when the young finally moved out on their own. Alicia could name almost every single thing Terence had brought in, or had a hand in choosing. But they were coming up on four years since the split, and Alicia didn’t really think of it as their flat anymore. For the longest time, it had been theirs, all while she was still mourning her marriage. She couldn’t pinpoint when it had ceased to be theirs and become her own, but when she looked around, it felt like her space.
That was, perhaps, why she was so confused about why he thought she needed to move. Because it didn’t haunt her anymore. She missed him being there, but he hadn’t really been there much in the first place. Now that things were good between them again, it felt less haunted and more like her own space. It made her feel like she didn’t need to have a brand new place that was all her own. Besides, she really didn’t see the point in it.
“But we are going to share space again. Why would I want to go through all the trouble of moving and settling into a place to make my own if we’ll just make a new place that’s ours again anyway? Besides, it does feel like my place. It’s been mine for almost four years.” Alicia didn’t say any of this to argue or contradict him, she just really didn’t understand the need to start over, especially since she didn’t really want to move, if they were going to move in together in a year or two years or however long it took him to be ready.