Andrew Kirke (dragondrums) wrote in reduxpitch, @ 2016-05-22 16:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | !thread, character: evan potter, location: hogsmeade, retired character: andrew kirke |
who ? andrew kirke and evan potter
when ? sunday morning
where ? panquake house, hogsmeade
what ? evan has a thing to say to andrew
status ? complete
It wasn’t as if the strange but content feeling Evan had bothered him. Hardly. If anything, he quite liked it. It was new and rather pleasing. At first he hadn’t been quite sure what it was, because identifying emotions didn’t always come very easily to Evan, but figuring it out had turned out to be a lot less challenging that Evan would have imagined before having it. There was a list, because of course there was a list. Seeing how literally every time Evan had the feeling Andrew was involved it was hardly a difficult task to settle on what the feeling was. Evan was quite pleased that he was pretty sure he knew. But therein also came a difficulty.
Since him and Andrew had first started their relationship more than three months ago, Evan had become used to talking to Andrew about, well, everything. So obviously he wanted to talk to Andrew about this, too. Honestly, Evan hadn’t even considered talking to anyone else about it. He probably could’ve but the thought honestly hadn’t even entered his mind. He wanted to talk to Andrew about it. Except he did also worry a little bit. The last time anything related to the topic had come up, even though it had hardly been the same, it had been awkward. Evan didn’t want this to be awkward. Perhaps that was why he hadn’t brought it up yet, despite having wanted to for what must have been weeks now.
That previous conversation, Evan had thought over in his head, or as much as he remembered of it. It had been months ago and Evan felt that maybe now it could be less awkward. But he wasn’t completely sure. Most of the things he had said then, he did still think. Andrew had explained why it had become awkward and Evan understood it, or he thought he did. It didn’t mean he still didn’t want to tell Andrew. If anything, it was becoming increasingly hard not to tell Andrew.
They were sat on a sofa in the Panquake house, with Evan lazily sketching and Andrew writing things in a notebook. It was nice and comfortable. Which made Evan glance up from his sketchpad and tilt his head slightly at Andrew as he watched him. It seemed like an okay time to ask. Probably. If there was going to be an okay time. Moving his leg, Evan poked Andrew’s thigh with a socked toe. “Can I talk to you about something?” He asked almost too carefully. It was a bit of a redundant question, since Evan knew Andrew wasn’t going to say no.
“You have to promise not to freak out, though,” Evan added, before rushing in to correct himself. “Well, no, you can freak out, but you have to promise to talk to me about it if you do and not internalise it,” so maybe he had looked up some words that seemed appropriate for the situation. “But I want to talk to you about it and maybe you don’t want me to, but I want to talk to you about all the things and this is, you know, a thing,” Evan rambled on and refused to think of it as being nervous. He did, though, pause slightly, biting his lips. “I want to talk to you,” he repeated slower this time. “Because, well,” there was another pause and Evan shrugged softly. “You’re my best friend,” he finished. Andrew really was and Evan didn’t think that in the grand scheme of things this conversation would change that?
--
It had been a good day for Andrew, starting as it had with Evan in his bed. His run had been good, and dry, the downpour having been considerate enough to wait until Andrew was back home before it started. Shelving their vague plans to take Jim for a walk, they’d settled into the living room with tea (for Evan) and coffee (for Andrew). Initially, Andrew had turned the wireless on, but after watching Evan sketch for a few minutes he’d turned to working on a song he’d invented in the shower and had turned it off so he could hum the tune until he got it down right. He was just frowning over whether there were more or better ryhmes than ‘good’ and ‘should’ when Evan nudged him and he looked up. “Sure?” Evan didn’t usually ask to talk to Andrew, but maybe he didn’t want to interrupt the song-writing. Fortunately, it was a good time for interruptions. The lyrics could be worked out later, as long as Andrew remembered the general theme - and he was pretty sure he would.
He tossed the notebook onto the table at his side, more to show willing than because he had any objection to it being out in the open where Evan could read it. Evan’s warning about freaking out didn’t completely banish Andrew’s good mood, but he did tense. He didn’t even have time to object that he probably couldn’t promise before Evan was correcting himself. Andrew frowned. He had no idea what Evan wanted to talk about - his mind jumped straight to deciding he wanted to date other people after all - but he knew himself well enough to know that there were things he wasn’t going to want to talk about. It had been better with Evan than with anyone before, but Andrew had spent a lot of his life not talking about the things that bothered him. Since age 11 he’d gotten pretty good at it, unless someone lived with him or knew him really well.
When Evan said Andrew might not want him to talk about it, that only made the nerves worse. Even though they’d not known each other very long, Evan did know Andrew well and if he thought Andrew wasn’t going to want to have this conversation, he was probably right. Which only made Andrew more sure that it was going to be something to do with changing the not-relationship between them.
Andrew just about had time to be surprised that Daisy wasn’t Evan’s best friend before he shifted back to worrying. If Evan was coming to him as a friend did that mean he wanted advice not influenced by what Andrew would prefer? Andrew wasn’t sure he could do that. Belatedly, it occurred to him that he had to say something. Already he was disregarding Evan’s instructions, refusing to make reference to how awkward this had just become. “A thing,” he said. “Okay.”
--
Andrew’s acknowledgement that Evan could, in fact, talk to him sent almost a sharp realisation through Evan that he hadn’t planned exactly how to say what he wanted to. Or rather, maybe, he hadn’t finalised any plans. Evan had certainly run over multiple ways to say what he wanted to and there were particular bits he wanted to note, but perhaps coming up with a more precise strategy would’ve been helpful. There was the briefest thoughts that ran through Evan’s head, a whisper that suggested that he could just not and that would probably be okay, too. Except Evan didn’t want to do that, didn’t want to pretend like this didn’t matter to him because it did.
“Okay,” Evan mimicked almost subconsciously. There was a pause as he tried to decide where exactly to start. Unlike Andrew, Evan still had his sketchpad in his lap and he picked at the corner of a paper without noticing. Evan still refused to accept that he might be nervous about it, because he shouldn’t be nervous. Nervousness would imply that he was unsure and Evan was not. And chewing on his lower lip also was definitely not a sign of nerves. Especially if Evan didn’t pay attention to it.
After a moment, Evan shook his head, because he had to say something. That was a pretty good start to a plan, if any. “Right,” he said with a nod. “So I’ve thought about this for a while, a short while, but like before the exams and the revision so this isn’t something like super recent,” the amount of ‘like’s going into Evan’s sentences certainly was indicative of the fact that he just desperately wanted to say this right. “I’ve felt it for a while and, I know I’ve said I’m not, you know, great with recognising my own emotions but actually, this was surprisingly easy. There is a list and whatnot but like, I’m sure and you get me really well and so not telling you seems really weird? And also kind of hard,” he was definitely doing this wrong. “Ugh,” Evan sighed. “The rambling obviously isn’t helping,” he said more for his own benefit than Andrew’s but it didn’t make it less true.
“I’m in love with you,” Evan said because that was the point. So maybe starting with that was the easiest option. He carried on, though, barely letting himself take another breath. “And I know when we last spoke about love it was pretty weird and I know you said that one of the reasons why it was weird was that if I was in love with you and you weren’t in love with me that it would be strange for me but I’ve thought about it, okay?” And he had, repeatedly gone over that point in his head. “And it’s fine, yeah?” Evan rushed in to assure. “I really don’t mind. I like spending time with you, this doesn’t have to change anything, really not,” because Evan stood by what he had said last time, it didn’t make an actual difference. Apart from the bit where Evan wanted to tell Andrew. “I’m not telling you because I want you to tell me you’re in love with me, or even be in love with me, that’s not what this is. I just,” Evan paused. “It’s nice. I’ve never felt like this before and I like it and I want you to know because,” there was the smallest of pauses as Evan tried to think of what the best way to explain it was. “Well, I guess, because I’m in love with you,” that probably was hardly ‘the best way to explain it’, but frankly it was the most honest one.
--
Andrew would have felt a lot better if Evan could look at him, rather than fiddling with his sketchpad. Andrew had never been broken up with (and could you, technically, break up with someone you were explicitly not dating?), but he’d seen enough movies that he could easily imagine that was what was happening. Evan didn’t want to hurt him, but he needed something Andrew couldn’t be, and… Evan interrupted that dreadful train of thought by finally speaking. Only nothing he said really helped. Andrew shifted on the sofa, unconsciously leaning back against the armrest, watching Evan for signs of - Andrew didn’t even know what he was looking for. Reassurance that this wasn’t going the way he thought it was going? Andrew couldn’t think of any reason they needed to break up, but he was under no illusions that Evan would necessarily feel the same. And before the exams and the revision had been Evan’s day out with Celia. Maybe Evan had discovered he still wanted to date her. Andrew wouldn’t have been all that surprised to learn there was a pro/con list of ‘Andrew vs Celia’ and even less surprised to discover that he’d lost.
Evan’s next words were so completely opposite to Andrew’s understanding of the conversation that he couldn’t process them as true. For a second, he was just waiting for the punchline. And then Evan continued, and seemed to be talking as if it were not only something that made any sense but something that was just… fact. It made no sense, because Evan couldn’t actually mean he was in love with Andrew. That really wasn’t something Andrew considered possible, at all, so he tried to find some other meaning, one that would make sense and get him back on the right conversational track so he could understand everything else Evan was continuing to say. But the words had been pretty clear, and Andrew couldn’t think of what else Evan might have meant by them, no matter how hard he tried.
He still didn’t accept them as real. When he realised Evan had stopped talking and that he needed to say something, Andrew felt as if he was trying to catch up after missing a page of sheet music. “So, you’re not breaking up with me?” It was really all he’d managed to grasp. Evan wasn’t, in fact, trying to find a way to let Andrew down gently. Even though, it occurred to Andrew, this conversation really proved that he should.
No matter how often Evan said that he didn’t ‘get’ emotions, or that he’d been told on several occasions that he was reacting or experiencing emotions wrong, Andrew didn’t for a moment consider that Evan was wrong about this. Even though the idea of Evan loving him - of anyone loving him - made no sense, Andrew didn’t think Evan had mislabelled his emotions. It didn’t occur to him that it was too soon, too early. Evan was just wrong about Andrew, about Andrew being someone he could fall in love with. Andrew shifted again, pulling a cushion out from behind him and placing it between them while he moved back into the space it had been occupying. As he tried to process the rest of what Evan had said, he just felt awful, because he wasn’t in love with Evan, and of the two of them Evan was absolutely the more worth being in love with. Evan was great. Andrew had never met anyone quite like him, but despite that Andrew didn’t have a list of signs he might be in love with Evan. He didn’t even have anything to put on a list like that.
Did total silence, apart from clarifying that Evan wasn’t ending things, count as freaking out? Because Andrew couldn’t think of anything to say. Even saying that he didn’t know what to say seemed… cold. Evan had already said that he was sure, and that it didn’t need to change things. Andrew only believed the former of those. Surely Evan was going to want someone who loved him? He might be okay with it right now - why? Andrew couldn’t understand that either - but eventually he’d realise the imbalance. Andrew’s throat hurt from how tight it was, and he wished he could get up and get some water without coming across as a complete prick for abandoning Evan in the middle of a conversation.
--
The problem with not having a proper plan for this was that Evan hadn’t really anticipated all the ways he could deal with the fall out apart from assuming that there was a great chance there would be one. “What? No,” Evan said finally putting his sketchpad down on the coffee table and frowning at Andrew. “You’d think that my ability to break up with someone would be slightly better than telling them I’m in love with them and then watching them build a cushion wall,” he added poking the pillow Andrew had moved between them with his foot. The thing was, Evan didn’t have any scenarios for what might happen. There were loads of different things that maybe he could have thought of if Evan was the sort of person who jumped to ‘worst case’ instantly, but he wasn’t. Evan was almost incapable of assuming that anything would go in a way that wasn’t logical.
“So talk to me,” he instructed. “I can literally see you internalising from across the sofa,” Evan told him, shifting slightly to pull his legs up because the way Andrew was almost pushing himself against the corner of the sofa, distancing himself, made Evan feel like he was the predator trapping a tiny rodent into a corner to eat it. And really, that was neither what he was doing nor what he wanted to do.
Evan wished that he knew what the right thing to say was. There wasn’t a single part of him that even briefly thought about taking it back. He was in love with Andrew, had known he was for weeks and in those weeks, that feeling hadn’t changed their relationship, so Evan knew they could be just fine with him being in love with Andrew. The fact that Andrew wasn’t in love with him didn’t matter to Evan. He knew he wasn’t always very easy to deal with, the exam period had been especially illustrative of that, but Andrew always still seemed to want to be around Evan, which, really, was enough. Evan didn’t require Andrew to tell him he was in love with him, especially not when Evan assumed it would be untrue even if he said it. For him the feeling had been so clear and strong and nice that Evan just wanted to share. To tell Andrew how he liked it and... well, that was kind of it.
As the silence carried on, Evan sighed, rather defeated. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Evan said so quietly that it would have been only just about audible. He really, really wanted to talk about it but if Andrew was going to pull away and just be weird about the whole thing then Evan doubted they’d get very far. “You’re just--” Evan paused, giving a small shake of his head. “You’re so important to me, I don’t want to talk to anyone else about it,” he told Andrew. Maybe if this wasn’t going to be something they could talk about, Evan would have to find someone else to talk it through with but he really disliked the idea.
--
What Andrew wanted was for Evan to stop saying he was in love with him, because it just made Andrew feel intensely uncomfortable and wrong. He wanted to correct him, to point out that Evan couldn’t be in love with him because that just didn’t make any sense. He just didn’t know how to go about it. Giving Evan a list of reasons he shouldn’t be in love with him seemed like a terrible idea, because Andrew still wanted to continue spending time with Evan. In fact, if they could just go back to before - to ten minutes ago - when everything had been easy and good, that would be ideal. That wasn’t an option, and Evan was pressing Andrew to talk. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” That wasn’t completely true. There was one very obvious thing that Andrew should say, but he wasn’t going to lie about being in love with Evan. “What is there to say?”
When Evan mentioned talking to anyone else, Andrew frowned. He couldn’t understand what talking to anyone else would accomplish, which made him think maybe he just didn’t understand what this conversation was supposed to accomplish, as far as Evan was concerned. “If you’re not -” It hadn’t been easy for Andrew to actually say he didn’t love Evan last time, when this had all been a hypothetical he’d never expected to face. It was even more impossible now. He stopped, because his point was still that he didn’t know what Evan wanted him to say, and he’d already made that clear. It wasn’t as if they could have a normal conversation about this. For a moment it occurred to him to do what he’d done last time and tell Evan to ask him whatever he wanted to know, but the idea of direct questions about this was just too horrifying.
Which left him with more silence. He didn’t want to let Evan down by insisting they not talk about it, but he didn’t know what else to do. The things he wasn’t saying were so inherently unsayable he didn’t even consciously recognise them as being internalised. “I guess it’s up to you. If you want things to carry on as normal -” Andrew didn’t look convinced that was a realistic option, but he did his best to suppress the thought that Evan would probably be better off breaking up with him. “I think it’ll feel… different. For me.” Uncomfortable, was the word Andrew didn’t use. “For a while.” He really didn’t know how long, or if things could go back to normal at all. Really, he’d prefer just to forget about it, but he didn’t know if he could. Maybe he could ignore it, for a time.
--
The question made Evan still slightly, because actually, if he thought about it, he didn’t have an answer. He really didn’t know what there was to say because Evan didn’t expect Andrew to say it back. Nowhere in the whole time and multiple discussions with himself in his head over the matter had Evan expected Andrew to say it back. Maybe that was sort of sad, but it didn’t bother Evan. Andrew was his best friend and he wanted to be able to tell his best friend about this exciting, lovely feeling he had. Evan had assumed that Andrew would want to know. Not because Evan was in love with him, the love bit didn’t really play a great deal of importance in this. No, Evan had assumed that Andrew would want to know because it was important to Evan. The realisation that maybe he had been wrong was genuinely quite hurtful.
And then Andrew told Evan that this would change things. It would make Andrew feel different and the way he was saying it didn’t, to Evan, imply that ‘different’ was a positive thing. “Oh,” was for that instant pretty much all Evan could manage because he didn’t get it. Nothing had been different between them since he had first decided that the feeling he had was love. How could saying it change that? Sure, Evan understood the impact words could have, but it wasn’t like this was bad, was it? Was there something so inherently wrong in his perception of things that Evan had just judged all of this wrong?
“I don’t understand,” Evan said finally since he wasn’t sure what else he could say. It made no sense. He hadn’t expected this to be straightforward or anything but he hadn’t expected to feel confused. “I’m not asking anything of you. I’m not suggesting we change anything. I don’t know why you’d feel different, for a while or at all,” Evan admitted the frown now felt almost permanent on his face. “This doesn’t make anything different,” he said frankly. It really didn’t. Unless, of course, Evan was wrong. Because what other option was there?
There was another pause and Evan looked down at his hands because if he was wrong, if he had made all these choices based on some sort of presumption that was incorrect then he didn’t know where that left him and it was so fucking confusing. “Don’t people s-s-s--” say that they’re in love with someone, when they are? “Am I wr-wr-wr--” wrong. Yes. Fucking clearly because he couldn’t even ask and Evan didn’t know why.
--
It was important to Andrew. If it hadn’t been, maybe Andrew could have just moved on with the knowledge that Evan loved him and not have it change things, but he couldn’t. He was pretty sure he’d said, during their last conversation about love, that it would matter if Evan loved him - and it still did matter, it just didn’t feel good. Andrew knew that was weird, that he ought to be happy, and grateful. Really, Evan was amazing and if - somehow - he’d fallen in love with Andrew, that should feel incredible and exciting and… Andrew just felt sort of empty, and awful for not being excited. He breathed out, rubbing the thumb of one hand across the knuckles of the other.
“I know.” It was true. Evan wasn’t asking for anything to change, but things still had changed. To Andrew, that was obvious, but he couldn’t really articulate why. “I’m not going to forget,” he pointed out, “and even if I pretend I don’t know I’ll still feel -” He floundered for a word that wasn’t unambiguously negative, but couldn’t find one. “I don’t know. Weird?” Bad, uncomfortable, guilty. “We don’t have to do anything differently.” Andrew couldn’t imagine carrying on as normal right now, and he wasn’t sure trying would actually do any good, because that would just make him feel weird and awkward about avoiding what he was feeling. “I guess I’ll get used to it?” He wasn’t sure of that, either. He couldn’t imagine it not mattering that Evan was in love with him, and if it mattered then he was going to feel something.
When Evan looked away from him and started stammering so badly he couldn’t even finish his question, Andrew desperately wanted to fix it - but how could he fix it when it was his fault? The conversation was too serious to make a joke, and Andrew thought it unlikely Evan would want him touching him right now, which didn’t really leave very many options. Andrew could leave. That might help the immediate situation, but would just make things worse overall. “You’re amazing,” Andrew said, because talking until Evan had calmed down enough to speak seemed… well, seemed like it might not make things worse. “I never expected any of this when I met you.” He shifted away from the armrest, pulling the cushion onto his lap so he could edge ever-so-slightly closer to Evan. “I don’t want it to end.” That thought was just as terrifying as Evan being in love with him was, if not worse. At least in this he still had Evan on his side to help. “I’m sorry,” he added. He definitely felt like this was his fault, and not Evan’s for feeling the way he did or for telling Andrew about it.
--
Evan just felt so stupid. Apart from boredom, that was one of the feelings Evan hated the most. Feeling like he was missing something that was most likely so obvious to everyone but him. And on top of that, not being able to actually voice any of his concerns was doing nothing to make Evan feel in any way less stupid. All the words were there, on the tip of his tongue but then they all just stopped before he could say them and what was wrong with him? Other people could manage speaking just fine and Evan felt so trapped with his inability to say things, especially now when he wanted to say so much because none of this should change anything. There was no logic in it and it was just very, very confusing.
What exactly was there to get used to, Evan wasn’t sure. If he had told Andrew that he disliked tea now, would Andrew have to ‘get used to’ that? Even in that situation it would have more impact on Andrew’s life because sometimes Evan asked him to pick up milk on his way over. Evan really couldn’t understand why Andrew would have to get used to something that didn’t change Evan or the way he was. He didn’t want Andrew to forget. He didn’t want Andrew to anything.
And then Andrew told Evan that he was amazing and Evan had no idea why he’d feel the need to say that but Andrew also moved the cushion and moved himself slightly and that did catch Evan’s attention much more. Before he could consider it or even attempt to stop himself, Evan moved across the sofa, towards Andrew, pressing his face into Andrew’s neck, arms wrapping around him in a hug. All Evan had wanted for weeks was to tell Andrew that he was happy. Yes, it was because he was in love and because he knew he was in love but most of it was just Evan being happy and Andrew had made that happen. The fact that Andrew didn’t want this to end was more than enough, because neither did Evan. Not having Andrew in his life made everything just seem so... colourless. And Evan didn’t want that.
He wanted to say all of these things to Andrew. But it wasn’t quite what came out as Evan mumbled the words against Andrew’s skin, at least thankful he could talk at all. “If you break up with me because I told you I’m in love with you, I’m going to set you on fire.” He was mostly joking.
--
Andrew had genuinely believed that touching Evan or making a joke would make things worse, so when Evan did both and it seemed to relieve the tension, Andrew had to admit that maybe his instincts weren’t very good. He curled one arm tightly around Evan’s side while the other stroked one of Evan’s arms. “I’d deserve it,” Andrew said, not entirely joking. “But I’m not going to break up with you.” He pressed a careful kiss to the bit of Evan he could most easily reach. “You were so uncomfortable and not looking at me that I thought you were going to break up with me,” he reminded him. It seemed like hours ago. “I’m glad that’s not what you were doing.” Even if Andrew definitely wouldn’t have chosen for Evan to tell him he loved him, it was still much, much better than Evan breaking up with him.
The silence didn’t feel as heavy with Evan’s arms around him, but Andrew still didn’t think it was good. He should say something, if only he knew what. He’d already said he was sorry, and though he still was he wasn’t sure he could really explain what for. “I don’t want to make you feel bad,” he said at last. It wasn’t the whole problem, but it was at least a little bit, a bit Andrew could actually find words to explain. “I know you say you don’t mind, but... “ He shrugged. “Even if you don’t mind, I feel bad. And I worry you will start to mind, if things don’t change.” And Andrew couldn’t promise things would change. It wasn’t that he felt he would never love Evan - he just didn’t know either way. He’d never been in love, how was he supposed to predict whether or not he’d feel it in the future?
“I know you’d tell me, if you started to mind.” Actually, Andrew had forgotten that until the words had literally been coming out of his mouth, but he did believe them. Evan would tell him. “It’s just not really something I can do anything about.” If Evan started to mind, and Andrew still didn’t feel in love, what then? It was a scary thought that he’d be hopeless to improve things in that situation. He couldn’t force himself to start loving Evan, and neither of them could foretell what kind of timeline they were talking about. Weeks? Months? Certainly not more than that.
--
The soft sigh Evan gave was mostly relief when Andrew said he wouldn’t break up with Evan over this. It was a relief that Evan hadn’t really expected to even need. When he had thought about how this conversation would go, at no point had he expected that to be a part of it. And of course Evan hadn’t been breaking up with Andrew. He wasn’t even sure if that would be in any way the way he’d act if he was. This, Evan had been careful about, hadn’t wanted Andrew to react badly (even if he had), but if he was to break up with Andrew, Evan doubted he would’ve put as much care into it. Breaking up with someone seemed like something one did when they didn’t care, and if anything, Evan cared too much.
Evan had no idea what it was that Andrew would feel bad about. It didn’t make much sense to him. Just because Evan had predicted that this might be a challenging conversation, didn’t mean that he knew why it had to be so. Being in love was sort of... simple. It was just a feeling that Evan had, a feeling that mostly just gave a name to the way he wanted to spend time with Andrew always, or the way he wanted to tell Andrew everything, or give things to Andrew, whether presents or adventures. “I don’t want things to change,” Evan said softly against Andrew’s neck, wanting so badly to look at him but also being almost afraid of what that would mean. Changing the way they were was the last thing Evan wanted, he loved the way they were together.
Finally deciding that maybe he could be brave enough, Evan pulled back, but only enough that he could rest his forehead against Andrew’s, pressing his lips softly against Andrew’s. “You make me happy,” Evan said, barely moving. “You organise adventures that I absolutely adore. You feed me when I’m so distracted by studying I forget anything but books exist. You come and rescue me when I’m too drunk to get home on my own,” he narrated slowly but steadily. “I don’t know why you like me but I know you do,” Evan told him with another small sigh, but this one was hardly of exasperation. Finally pulling back slightly more, but only as much as to look at Andrew, Evan gave him a serious look. “And I know you could tell me why you like me, but,” Evan paused biting his lip slightly.
“Just because you can tell me all the things that seem nice to you about me, it doesn’t,” there was another pause. “It doesn’t mean I believe it, or understand it. It’s hard for me to really get it, because you’ve been so great about everything that, I feel like--” Evan had to pause again as he tried to look for the right word. “I don’t know what I could’ve possibly done to deserve that,” he admitted with another shrug. “Being in love with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” Evan said honestly. And it really was. Having Andrew make him happy was just so... lucky. Evan honestly felt that everything about knowing Andrew was just so rewarding that being in love with him made more sense that pretty much anything else in Evan’s life.
--
It was very strange to hear Evan say at least some of the things that Andrew was feeling over finding out Evan was in love with him. Andrew understood why Evan liked him, but he couldn’t begin to understand how Evan could love him. And Evan explaining didn’t actually make it any clearer. “Anyone could do those things,” he said. “Adventures and cooking and picking you up from a party.” Okay, maybe someone like Ron would have had trouble with the cooking, but he could have brought food. Nothing Evan had listed was difficult or demanding, and Andrew benefited just as much from the adventures as Evan did. “I don’t know why they’d make you think -” He trailed off. Love shouldn’t be a reward for something anyone could do. Love should be for someone like Evan, who was different to everyone else Andrew knew. “This all seems backwards.” Andrew’s enduring feeling was one of confusion, because he still couldn’t make sense of any of this.
He glanced down as he pushed the fingers of one hand under the sleeve of Evan’s shirt. “I don’t feel like I deserve it either,” he said quietly, leaving it ambiguous as to whether ‘it’ meant having Evan in his life or Evan loving him. For Andrew, it wasn’t just that he couldn’t think what he might have done to deserve it, it was more that he could definitely list several reasons why he didn’t deserve it, at all. “You’re the one that deserves to have someone fall in love with you,” he added. “And I -” Andrew didn’t know why he wasn’t. Evan was amazing in so many ways, and made Andrew happy in so many ways. He swallowed to clear his throat a little. “I want you to have that?” he said, sounding uncertain. “But I don’t want you to go off and find someone who does love you, because that would mean you’d break up with me.” Which really proved that Andrew didn’t love Evan, because if he did he would want what was best for him regardless of how much it hurt, wouldn’t he? So it also proved how much Andrew really wasn’t worthy of Evan’s love at all.
“You make me happy,” Andrew said. He still felt like he should feel happy about Evan being in love with him, and even though it was really very obvious that he wasn’t, he didn’t want to say so. “Really happy. And soppy, sometimes.” It didn’t feel like enough. “I want to keep making you happy.” He really did enjoy making Evan happy, which was possibly why he was so afraid that what he was doing now was making Evan feel sad and unloved and like he didn’t deserve love. Andrew knew all too well how that felt, and it wasn’t good. “I just feel like it’ll start to make you sad and I won’t know how to fix it.”
--
Andrew wasn’t wrong, anyone could have done the things he did. Except that no one else was doing it and what was more important than that, Evan-- “I don’t want anyone else to do that,” he said honestly. When Andrew said that it all felt backwards, Evan shrugged. He couldn’t help how he felt, and maybe it was a little disappointing that Andrew seemed so upset that Evan was in love with him, but it wasn’t like Evan could help it. Nor did he want to help it. If Andrew hadn’t been so close, running his hands over Evan, still talking to Evan softly and nicely, Evan might have thought about whether it would be appropriate for him to leave. ‘Backwards’ wasn’t exactly the sort of thing one wanted their emotions described as.
Evan would have disagreed that he deserved someone to fall in love with him. If anything, from Andrew’s reaction, Evan could only gather that it wasn’t all that great when people were in love with you. “I neither can nor want to stop how I feel, and I’m sorry if that’s backwards, but this isn’t really about you,” he said slowly, shifting backwards to lean on his bent legs but not actually moving away from Andrew. “I wanted to tell you, because it’s important to me that you know,” Evan explained. “Not telling you just seemed really strange and--” Evan paused, taking a breath, before he looked away again, trying hard to make sure that he wouldn’t stutter this time when he asked the question. “Is that not what people do when they’re in love? Am I not meant to--” Evan shrugged. “Tell you?” It seemed highly illogical but then, Evan had discovered, people often were.
“I’m not really sure,” Evan continued slowly. “How being in love is different from wanting to make someone happy and not wanting them to be sad over things you can’t fix,” Evan admitted. He too wanted Andrew to be happy and he too wouldn’t want Andrew to find someone else who loved him and he too would hate to see Andrew sad. “If anything--” Evan bit his lip, glancing up at Andrew. “Obviously it’s not very nice when someone is in love with you,” except Evan wasn’t actually sure if it was ‘someone’ or whether it was just ‘Evan’ and he suspected it had to be the latter, because other people usually seemed really happy when someone was in love with them.
--
Andrew wasn’t sure he’d meant that Evan’s feelings were backwards, though he supposed he sort of had included that. “The situation is backwards,” he attempted to explain. “It just - doesn’t make sense, any of it. To me.” Obviously, it made sense to Evan, somehow. “I don’t understand why you’d be in love with me. And I don’t understand why you’d be confused about me liking you. I’m just - there are loads of people like me, who could do what I do.” As nice as it was that Evan didn’t want them to, it didn’t change that they existed. Evan could go and find one of them and love him and that would probably be better because, unlike Andrew, they might actually be pleased and love Evan back. “But you’re amazing and there aren’t loads of other people like you, so of course I like you best.” Best? Certainly among the top three or four.
When Evan said it wasn’t about him, Andrew frowned. “I’m sorry,” he offered, “if I’m making it all about me.” He didn’t really know what else he could have done. He’d tried not to talk about it, and Evan had insisted that he should. He didn’t know why it would be important to Evan that he know, either. If it wasn’t about him, what difference did it make? If all Evan had wanted was to make Andrew aware, why were they still talking about it? He trailed his fingers down Evan’s arm, interlocking their fingers once he reached Evan’s hand. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “No one’s ever l- been in love with me before.” He went back and forth on whether or not his mum loved him. She didn’t accept him, but most of the time he told himself she still loved him. (Sometimes, he doubted that was actually possible.) “I don’t know what people do in real life.” In movies, both people were always in love and it was just a matter of saying it. Or, if one person was in love with someone who wasn’t interested they had to move on and get over it. Andrew didn’t want Evan to move on. “You’ve told me now.” They couldn’t change that, so maybe they didn’t need to worry about whether or not Evan was supposed to have told him.
Andrew glanced away, teeth catching on his lower lip, when Evan said it obviously wasn’t very nice when someone was in love with you. Apart from the initial moment of total disorientation, the guilt about that was probably the worst thing Andrew was feeling. “It should be.” He knew that didn’t help. If anything, it made it worse. “I don’t -” Andrew wanted to pull away again, but he didn’t. “I know I should be happy. I want to be happy.” He really did. He wished so much that he was in love with Evan and could say so and they’d both be stupid and sappy together for the rest of the day. “I feel like I’m ruining this for you.”
--
Whilst Evan didn’t disagree that there weren’t many people like him, because that was just a fact, he a) didn’t think that in any way was a good thing and b) he didn’t think there were many people like Andrew. Or any other people like Andrew, really. As much as others could do the sort of things they did together, Evan had never met anyone who he got on with so easily. Trusting Andrew came almost naturally to Evan and he had never experienced that before, not even always with his mum and Daisy, though it was close. Being a love with Andrew made a lot of sense to Evan, but he did suppose that he could understand how it might not necessarily be as logical to Andrew, since Evan got being confused about other people’s feelings. “Would my list help?” He asked. The list was very much written for and by Evan but he hardly minded showing it to Andrew if that would make any of this easier for him.
Well, Evan had never been in love before, so he didn’t know what people did in real life either. Maybe it was this. It seemed unlikely, but Evan was hardly going to call himself a specialist in the area. “I am happy, though,” Evan said honestly. “I mean, could this have gone better? Probably, but like,” there was a shrug Evan gave. “I just want to do all the things we do already. They make me happy,” he said and paused. “But not just the things. You make me happy,” and Andrew really did. He made Evan so happy that Evan wanted to tell Andrew how much it mattered and love seemed like the easiest way to express it, even if Andrew didn’t seem to think so.
“I’m not sure what there is to ruin,” Evan admitted. “I guess perhaps you could be less weird about it,” he added but there was a clear tone of amusement in his voice. “But in the grand scheme of things, all of this probably could’ve gone worse,” at least there hadn’t been fire.
--
The thought of a list of reasons Evan loved him made Andrew feel a bit weird. Not as uncomfortable as discovering Evan loved him, and there was some curiosity about what could possibly be on the list, but he didn’t want a repeat of how badly this conversation had gone. He pursed his lips in thought for a while, wanting to find the right words, something that wouldn’t make this worse. “I don’t think it would fix things,” he said softly. “It’s like you said. Even if you showed me, I don’t think I’d believe that those things made me worth loving.” He paused, shifting closer and turning so he could lean against Evan. “But it might help? I don’t know.” He genuinely didn’t know. He could sort of logically see how it might, but he had no idea if that would translate to reality. “If you don’t want to show me because I can’t say for sure, I’d understand.”
Seeing as Andrew had already expressed his fear that Evan wouldn’t stay happy with the situation as it was now, he didn’t really see much point in saying it again. “I’m sorry this didn’t go better.” It didn’t really make sense to him that Evan could still be happy, even though this hadn’t gone the way he wanted. He sighed and gave Evan’s hand a squeeze. “I am glad I make you happy. Even if I don’t understand.” He wanted to keep doing the things they did already, and to keep making Evan happy. Hopefully they could, and they wouldn’t be too weird with each other now. He glanced back at Evan, hesitated, then pushed on. “So you still want your surprise next week?”
Andrew felt like Evan had deserved much better treatment than this. Deserved someone who would be overjoyed that Evan loved them. On the other hand, he did recognise that maybe Evan wouldn’t want the unrealistic traditional romcom scenario. “I’ll work on being less weird about it,” he promised, even though he had no idea what practical steps he could take to do that.
--
Evan frowned quite deeply at Andrew’s words. That hadn’t really been the way Evan had meant it. When he had said that it was hard for him to see or understand or believe that Andrew liked him, that was because Evan didn’t know why someone so great and interesting as Andrew would want to be with someone as confusing and difficult as Evan. He hadn’t meant that he felt like he wasn’t ‘worth loving’. That was a very different thing and the way Andrew said it, almost as if it was just a fact, made Evan’s stomach flip most unpleasantly. Andrew was more than worth loving and Evan knew that. But he didn’t know how to express it and was starting to doubt that the list would be of much use because it wasn’t about why Andrew was worth loving (though, Evan was sure he could make a list) but rather why Evan was in love with him.
“I often don’t understand things,” Evan said instead because he didn’t want to make this worse for Andrew. “So I totally get that,” he added. Andrew was under no obligation to understand and Evan was hardly going to hold it against him. He reached for his wand that was on the coffee table, muttering a quick accio spell so his bag would appear. It took Evan a moment to locate the parchment that he had written the list on. “Here,” he said handing it over to Andrew.
Before Andrew could look at the list, Evan leaned in, pushing his shoulder against Andrew’s so he could almost cuddle into him. “Of course I want the surprise,” he said softly, resting his head on Andrew’s shoulder. “And we will work on it being less weird,” Evan added. They had done that with waking up together and now it was almost not weird at all. In fact, Evan thought waking up together was pretty great, so maybe they could do that with this, too. It would be nice if Evan could tell Andrew he loved him without Andrew looking like he’d been kicked by an angry ghost. “Read the list,” Evan told him, nudging Andrew’s shoulder with his chin.
--
Andrew took the list carefully, letting go of Evan’s hand so he could unfold it. He waited while Evan settled against him, turning his body so they could be more comfortable together. It was good to know Evan still wanted to help stop things being weird, that he didn’t completely resent Andrew for getting in the way. He leaned in to rest his cheek on Evan’s head for a moment, eyes closed. He’d said it already, but Evan really was amazing. “I know it’s not the same,” he murmured, “but I really like you.” When Evan nudged him to read the list, Andrew inhaled slowly before nodding. He could do this, even if his stomach was churning.
The list wasn’t at all what he expected, and Andrew couldn’t hold back a laugh when he reached ‘not sure if that counts for me being in love, or Jim’. The list sounded just like Evan, which shouldn’t be a surprise but somehow was. Some of the things on the list Andrew felt himself - always wanting Evan to be there, no matter what he was doing, wanting to discuss things with Evan and valuing his opinions, smiling a lot and finding some of the things Evan said or did so sweet that he wanted to hug him. Others, Andrew didn’t quite apply to himself - including Evan in all plans for the future (Andrew included him in some but it wasn’t automatic), feeling like Evan wouldn’t want him to change. The list wasn’t as scary as Andrew had imagined. Evan saying he was in love with him had felt wrong and impossible and confusing, but none of the individual things on the list did. He was glad Evan felt like he could ask Andrew questions, pleased that Evan found Andrew’s touch reassuring, touched that Evan would include wanting to help when Andrew freaked out.
He read it a second time before he let it rest in his lap and turned his attention back to Evan. He still didn’t understand why Evan was in love with him, what qualities or traits Evan thought he had that had lead to Evan loving him, but he could at least believe in the individual reactions Evan had listed. “It seems less scary like this,” he said after a pause, touching the list to clarify what he was talking about. “I don’t - I hope you won’t have to stop feeling these things, because I do want to make you happy and make you feel attractive. I think I can keep those up.” He frowned. “Am I making any sense?”
--
Evan turned his head slightly so he could brush his lips against Andrew’s cheek. “I really like you, too,” he assured with a small smile. “And that is plenty,” he added thinking of Andrew’s words that it wasn’t the same. Actually, Evan thought it really was. Just because he felt the need to identify at love, to Evan, at least, didn’t make any of it different. If Andrew would want to do things differently because Evan was in love with him, that might make it more difficult, but this? This was fine. Evan could still lean into Andrew and he could still think about the surprise Andrew had planned for him and nothing had actually changed. It wasn’t like Evan had expected anything to change.
As Andrew read, Evan glanced at the list but didn’t really bother to reread it. He knew what was one it, had written it after all, but it was more than that. Evan had known what was on the list long before he had written it, it was just that writing it down had allowed him to judge it more appropriately. “Unless you plan to stop doing all the things we do now, I don’t see how it would make me change how I feel,” Evan commented honestly. That had been Evan’s point all along. Yes, he had wanted Andrew to know because it seemed so important that Andrew did, but it wasn’t like Evan had brought it up because he wanted anything of what they did to change. The exact opposite, really, because this was great.
“You can keep the list,” Evan informed Andrew, reaching out so he could pull one of Andrew’s hands up, linking their fingers together again. “We did alright with your immersion therapy in getting used to sleeping with me,” he said before biting his lip, slightly amused as he turned his body more towards Andrew. “I’m sure I can do great things with immersion loving you,” he told Andrew determinedly before shifting enough to be able to press his body against Andrew’s, rather than just lean into him. Evan kissed him, softly at first and then slightly more than softly, before pulling back a little to grin at Andrew. “I’m a very determined individual,” he said and then essentially proceeded to attack Andrew with kisses, peppering them across Andrew’s cheek, jaw and neck.
--
Andrew didn’t plan to change anything, and doing his best to make sure feeling weird didn’t change his behaviour was something he could focus on, a concrete aim that seemed more achievable than ‘stop feeling weird’. Whether or not how Evan felt changed remained to be seen, Andrew still thought it was a possibility, but the feelings on the list seemed less likely to disappear overnight, or when Evan realised Andrew wasn’t as great as he apparently thought he was. When Evan said he could keep the list, Andrew carefully folded it back up again and slipped it into his notebook, under the lyrics he’d been writing.
Only then did Andrew turn his attention back to Evan, curving a hand around the back of Evan’s neck as Evan kissed him. To his relief, this didn’t feel weird. “We did,” he agreed. Now, it was hard to remember that mornings with Evan had ever felt weird. Immersion loving sounded a lot more daunting, but if it involved Evan kissing him enthusiastically like this, Andrew hoped he really could get used to it.
--