Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in red_day_love, @ 2008-07-03 09:14:00 |
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Being woken at fuck-this-for-a-game-of-soldiers o’clock in the morning was unlikely to put Severus Snape in the best of moods.
Being woken at said time by an over-enthusiastic werewolf who was clad in a safari suit and sandals with shockingly blue socks was, if anything, even more trying for his temper.
“What the bloody...” he began.
“That’s right, Severus! It’s time for our trip to the coast.”
“Piss off, wolf.” The dark head disappeared beneath the covers.
“Come on. Time to get up, you big lay-a-bed!” inquisitive fingers had begun to pluck at the duvet. “You know what they say: time and tide waits for no man.”
“Good. In that case, you can tell the sodding sea to get on with its own business.” Black eyes glared at the smiling werewolf. “And I shall get on with mine. Now fuck off and leave me to sleep.”
Unfortunately for the hook-nosed misery, Lupin was determined to have his seaside trip, and even more determined that his favourite person in the whole world would be accompanying him. So it was that a mere ten minutes later, in the chilly, grey half-light of a Scottish summer morning, two figures strode out of the Hogwarts grounds and slipped past the anti-Apparition wards.
“So now what do you propose?” Snape glared once again at his companion, although his intended stare of imperious irritability was somewhat undermined by the still-wet love bite on his neck, and a woolly hat, purloined from Lupin, which was shaped like a smiley frog.
“Well, I thought we’d go to Brighton and see my dad first.”
“Ah, how is Marlene?” Snape had been pleasantly surprised to discover that his potential father-in-law was slightly less idiotic and irritating than most people he had had the misfortune to meet in his life. Indeed, he might even go so far as to concede a few points of common interest they shared. Although Marlene did favour a slightly higher heel for evening wear.
“My father is well; very busy at work, what with all the Hen nights, Stag nights and Doe nights and what have you.”
“Lupin, there is no such thing as a Doe night, you bloody fool.”
“Of course there is; it’s the night of revelry before a gay man gets married.” He fixed his lover with a significant look. “I thought you of all people would have known that.”
Snape cleared his throat and seamlessly changed the subject, “So how do you propose we get to Brighton?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked, my love. I shall apparate us to the Devil’s Dyke.”
“Very well.”
“It’s a local beauty spot, you see...”
“I’m aware.”
“Oh. I was rather hoping you’d do a double-take at the name, and then I could make a Bellatrix Lestrange joke.”
“No.”
“Pity. Anyway, once we’ve arrived, I plan to surprise you with something.”
“Do you now?” Snape’s eyebrows raised until they skimmed the edge of the froggy hat. It was a very singular sight.
The twist and shout of apparition was slightly less melodic, and more nauseating than either of them remembered from previous experiences, but, as they scrambled to their feet, they were rewarded by the majestic sight of...
A weed-ridden pub car park.
“Well, Lupin, the Devil’s Dyke isn’t quite as ruggedly beautiful as I recall.”
“Oh dear, no...” They stared at the boarded-up building in front of them.
“And the views it affords are rather underwhelming, too.” Snape’s gaze flickered to the grotty tyre and exhaust fitting garage over the road.
“Severus, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think I might have apparated us to the wrong spot.”
“You don’t say?”
The werewolf’s face brightened. “Never mind, though. I’ve still got my surprise for you!” He started rummaging around in his trouser pocket. “This should solve our little location cock-up.”
The Potion Masters dark eyes widened impossibly. “I don’t know how on earth you expect that will alleviate our geographical problem, Lupin.”
“Give it a chance,” he continued to fumble in his trousers, “If I can only get it out, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how this can fix all our worries. Blimey, who’d have thought slacks could be so snug?”
Although distracted momentarily by the sight of the nasty beige material straining temptingly over a well-formed wolf buttock, Snape still had the presence of mind to consider how being caught fudge-packing on a piece of urban wasteland was probably not the best way to further his career or enhance his reputation. Even if this was Brighton, which, owing to the lack of window boxes on the grimy terraced houses, seemed rather unlikely.
“Lupin, no! Put it away!” But his shouts were in vain, for at that very moment, the werewolf pulled an object from his pocket.
“Here! Isn’t she beautiful?”
Snape squinted at the sludgy-coloured thing nestling in Lupin’s palm. “What? Well, it’s of no use to anyone like that!” he complained.
“Of course it isn’t, love.” And then, with an expertly executed Engorgio, the werewolf watched entranced as the thing grew impossibly large. “Now we can have some real fun!”
“If only it wasn’t so bloody ugly!” Complained Snape.
“Ah, do I detect a hint of jealousy?”
“Certainly not!” the miserable git huffed. “It’s just that mine is so much more beautiful.”
“True, Severus. But you’re forgetting one minor detail.”
“Which is?”
“We haven’t ever managed to get yours working properly, have we?”
Snape scowled his best ‘this conversation is beneath my contempt; my time is better spent thinking of sadistic punishments’ scowl. “I maintain that this is one of the most ridiculous-looking things I have ever had the misfortune to gaze upon.”
“Says the man in my froggy hat.”
“Hmmmph!”
"Why are you wearing it, anyway? It's the middle of June, and we're going to the great British seaside!"
"Precisely."
"Aww, don't be like that! It'll be great fun!" He cast his eyes over the grim surroundings. "Erm... once we get to the coast."
The Potion Master's look of cynical disbelief was only slightly undermined by the look of his childishly stupid headgear.“Cheer up, Severus. Come on, I’ll give you a ride you’ll never forget!”
The dark wizard rolled his eyes as he settled into the passenger seat of Lupin's newly-expanded car.