Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in red_day_love, @ 2008-08-14 08:47:00 |
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Entry tags: | author: blpaintchart |
HP Stylists.
Red, do you remember how we were recently ranting about clothes shops? Well, it got me thinking about how the lovely HP characters might want to use professional stylists to change their image.
So, with too many additives in my food, and westernredcedar to hold my hand, I would like to present:
Ever fancied yourself as a celebrity stylist for the HP universe?
No?
Well, that’s a pity; I was rather hoping you’d say ‘yes’ there.
You see, I’ve prepared a handy little quiz that reaches out and touches your inner stylist. So without further ado, and before you call the authorities on me, I bring...
The HP style quiz.
Q1. Ginny doesn’t know what to wear to the Yule Ball. You suggest:
A) A beautiful chiffon creation in aqua, and delicate gold jewellery.
B) Ron’s dress robes from last year.
C) Doesn’t matter what she wears, as it’ll be coming off within the hour! That girl is the school broomstick.
D) Green latex boobtube, orange culottes, polka-dot wellies and a backpack shaped like a cuddly panda.
Q2. Some people find hats quite a challenge. Not gorgeous Mr Malfoy, though! He’d look just beautiful in:
A) An astrakhan hat, a panama, Stetson, Top hat, Tricorner, Homburg, beret, any manner of military headgear... Let’s face it, when you’ve got bone structure like that, the hat hasn’t yet been invented that can make you look like a twat (with the exception of baseball caps worn backwards, obviously.)
B) Hood and mask.
C) A green silk corset, stockings and suspenders, and with his one pierced nipple glinting in the moonlight, he could smear himself in cream and cherry sauce and writhe in my lap until... What do you mean, I didn’t mention a damn hat?
D) A custom-designed headdress made from albino peacock feathers.
Q3. Molly has been working so hard, poor thing. It’s no wonder she looks like a cross between Princess Anne and a bag lady! Time for a change of image. You decide to go with:
A) A general smart-casual style which will be practical yet comfortable, and draw attention to her best features, whilst disguising any unsightly lumps and bumps.
B) Hessian sack. It would be a kindness.
C) A rather large pair of lacy knickers, matching underwired bra, and then lose interest. Outerwear is so overrated.
D) A Scooby-Doo costume. For the same reasons as answer A) but slightly more amusing.
Q4. Oh Bollocks, it’s Hagrid! He needs:
A) A wash, haircut (including nasal hair trim) and a selection of new clothes from your own Outdoor Wizard range which are sturdy, practical, yet stylish.
B) To be put down.
C) A damn good seeing to. If Madame Maxine is busy, there’s a whole range of forest creatures that might oblige. (The larger ones, naturally.) Recommended accessories will include leather chaps and a pouch (for him) and earplugs and brain bleach (for everyone else.)
D) To wear women’s clothing more often. Perhaps something light and floral from your Voluptuous Vixen collection?
Q5. The Death Eaters are putting on a West End show, and you are the costume designer! Their grand finale will have them sporting:
A) Outfits which are amazing in their beauty and complexity, yet comfortable enough for the demanding song and dance routines. It’ll be a triumph of wardrobing!
B) No noses.
C) Basques. And welts. Lots of nice, red throbbing welts.
D) Matching silver hotpants, each with a letter on the arse, so that, when they bend over in formation, it displays the legend “Up yours, Dumbledore!”
Q6. A thunderstorm is brewing! So you’d advise Harry to:
A) Wrap up warmly in this season’s must-have trenchcoat accented with red and gold scarf and gloves.
B) Go out and play on his broomstick. And don’t forget some shiny metal accessories!
C) Put on his best robes, clean pants, and enjoy some quality indoors party time with his mates and girlfriend.
D) Get under that invisibility cloak and sneak to the teacher’s quarters. You wouldn’t believe the effect that storms can have on the libido of old people.
Q7. Professor Snape is clearly in need of a make-over. Your vision for him is:
A) To update those classic black robes with a more modern neckline, and this season’s billow. Also, a new hairstyle, some dental work and a facial.
B) A facial. Also, a handjob, a blowjob and possibly a threesome, depending on how much time there is between lessons.
C) Leather corset, stockings and suspenders, steel body accessories (various) and spiked, padlocked collar to whom only one person has the key. Heh.
D) Fancy dress of course! With a curling charm on that hair, and some dinky whiskers, he could pull off the whole ‘Restoration Britain’ look rather nicely.
Q8. It turns out that Regulus Black was only having a watery sabbatical after all! Unfortunately, it does mean that his wardrobe hasn’t been updated since 1979. To restore him to his former glory, you’re going to:
A) Persuade him to invest in new tailor-made robes, and some contemporary, fitted muggle fashions too. It is imperative he makes the best of those dark good looks and that pert little arse.
B) Cast a drying spell over him, and lend him your old DE robes. You might even have a locket lying around which he could wear...
C) Encourage him to wriggle out of his clothes and into something more revealing. Like you.
D) Congratulate him on his unique, if damp, style. Cos tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1979!
Q9. You’ve decided to unveil your Winter Wolf collection. So lucky lovely Lupin can look forward to wearing:
A) A range of classically tailored suits in warm, earthy colours, and a luxurious coat so he can wear fur every day of the month!
B) A flea collar.
C) Something tight. Something very tight. With spangles.
D) Severus. There’s nothing suits that wolf so much as to be draped in Snape.
Q10. Voldemort comes to you in tears. The poor thing thinks that his position as Number One Wizarding Psycho (TM) is in jeopardy. His image is outdated, and a new look is clearly required. You suggest:
A) Updating the classic DE robes; midnight blue is a much fresher look. And perhaps some hair would be a nice addition?
B) Nose surgery. Preferably in a clinic on the other side of the world. And for him to set up home there afterwards, the wanker.
C) PVC French Maid outfit with gimp mask (so as not to startle horses.)
D) That he should consider a new career instead, something suited to his particular talents. Maybe a PE teacher? You reckon he’d look smashing in this nylon tracksuit.
Q11. With your keen stylist’s eye, you have discovered that Snape has charmed his robes to particular settings. The setting which most interests you is:
A) Billow: the volume of fabric when manipulated this way evokes power and passion, with a nod to his cheeky, playful side.
B) Sweep: it’s indicative of his brusque, stern nature.
C) Flounce: because you can spot a sodding drama queen from a mile away.
D) Groundsheet: you never know when you’ll get lucky and need this setting.
Q12. Modish Me! Gilderoy Lockhart is signing copies of his new bestseller, and you have just the thing to enhance his appearance:
A) Mint green robes with golden embroidery, and a pair of handmade dragon-hide Chelsea boots. Stunning!
B) Stick a soundproof cauldron over his stupid head.
C) A studded thong (heavily padded) and tattoos of all his fabulous beasts.
D) An Alice in Wonderland costume. All the better to believe his six impossible things before breakfast.
Q13. Minerva is going on holiday! And, let’s face it, if anyone needs your advice it’s her. You suggest:
A) Tartan bikini with co-ordinating sarong, and quirky tweed beach bag.
B) A burqua. If she argues, you can tell her that it’s practical, yet culturally inclusive. Plus, it has the added bonus of covering her face, which is a mercy.
C) Nipple rings, crotchless knickers and stripper shoes. Same as you suggest to everyone else.
D) That you will fashion her a frock from macramé and yoghurt pots. Oh, and perhaps get her to wear a froggy hat, in case the temperature drops.
Q14. Sirius wouldn’t have had such a miserable time in Grimmauld Place if only he’d:
A) Chosen a modern, layered hairstyle, worn some more cheerful colours, and remembered to accessorize.
B) Worn comfortable underpants, and had an internet connection.
C) Actually read the instructions for the cock ring before using it.
D) Gone through Regulus’ dressing-up box. You can’t beat Slytherin style, baby!
Q15. Being Headmaster is hard work; it’s not all manipulative shenanigans, egotistical glory, and sweeties, you know! As a result, Dumbledore is beginning to look his age. As his stylist, how would you help?
A) Start with a hair and beard trim, then persuade him to wear smartly-tailored robes in more sombre colours, as is more appropriate for his social standing and age.
B) AK him. Job done.
C) Get him drunk on firewhiskey, then stick him in a T-shirt bearing the legend Get it Here and leave him at the docks. Whatever the outcome, it’ll be an adventure for the old git.
D) Hmmm, let’s see... perhaps something from your Flamenco range?
So, how fashion-savvy are you? And, more importantly, who would you be in the crazy world of HP stylists? Simply gather your answers together, and we shall see how you scored!
Results:
Mostly As: Well, aren’t you the classic fashionista? Good taste and style are second nature to you, although you are prepared to try something more challenging or bold if the situation demands. Think of yourself as the Lucius Malfoy of stylists; suave, charming, impeccably turned out, and occasionally indulging in a spot of blood-fuelled orgy with handicrafts. Jolly good show!
Mostly Bs: You appear to be something of a miserable bastard. Your disdainful attitude toward personal appearance is rather refreshing in these image-obsessed times. You are the Severus Snape of designers; bored beyond belief by fashion, and ready to hex the bollocks off any idiot who is foolish enough to try bending your ear about accessories or ‘this season’s trend.’ I admire your grumpy panache, but still have an urge to get you drunk and slip you into something colourful and sparkly.
Mostly Cs: Sex. That’s the only thing you’re interested in isn’t it? I’m surprised you could take your eyes off You Porn long enough to do this quiz, you pervert! As far as clothing is concerned, you have all the sophistication of a fifteen-year-old boy and believe that outfits should always be tight, shiny, skimpy and easy to remove. You are the Sirius Black of the fashion world. In doggy form. Stop humping my leg!
Mostly Ds: Well, you certainly have unique style. And when I say ‘style’ I mean, of course ‘strong medication.’ Your taste in apparel is bold, distinctive, and very surprising. You are the Remus Lupin of stylists; cunningly sporting shabby old robes so nobody suspects that what you’re wearing underneath are actually Liberace’s cast offs. I applaud your nerve and energy. But if you think I’m letting you within a mile of my wardrobe, you are very much mistaken. Let’s go and annoy Snape instead.