Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in red_day_love, @ 2008-07-26 17:04:00 |
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Cosseted by luxurious vinyl seating, the wizards embarked upon their thrilling road trip to the coast.
"Is there a map in the glove compartment, Severus?" asked the excessively cheerful driver.
"Oh no. I'm not falling for that old trick!" Snape replied. "I am well aware that your glove compartment is full of bizarre tat and perverted sexual devices."
"Is it? I don't recall."
"Lupin, that is hardly surprising. You didn't even recall owning this mechanical monstrosity. It was I who reminded you."
"Aww, Severus, don't talk about my Tinkerbell like that."
Snape almost choked on the nasty travel sweet he had just popped into his mouth. "You've given this heap of shite a name?"
"She's my pride and joy. Look at how beautifully she drives! So smooth..." The juddering threatened to shake the wing mirrors clean off. "Listen to her, purring away like a kitten!" Lupin continued as the exhaust backfired like a gunshot. Snape winced. "And she can move like a rocket, too!" A passing stray dog trotted by and discovered that it was no strain at all to out-pace the ugly, lumpy vehicle. "Now, I wonder which way we need to turn to get to the coast?" The part-time wolf squinted at both directions of a road junction. "Aha! I have a feeling that dad's club is probably down here." With a yank of the fleece-covered steering wheel, he dragged the protesting car to the left.
"I think that's highly unlikely," replied Snape.
"Why?"
"Because we're not in Brighton, you fool."
"Are we not?"
"No. We're in bloody Tooting."
An uneasy silence spread through the car. Finally, a subdued Lupin spoke, "Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. I lived on the Upper Tooting road during my gap year."
"Ooh, I didn't know you had a gap year, Severus."
"Certainly. You didn't expect me to go directly from attaining straight 'O' grade NEWTs at Hogwarts to maiming, killing and pursuing handicrafts on a daily basis, did you?"
Lupin looked confused, then thoughtful, and then confused again. "I suppose not."
"Quite. It took a full year of existing on instant mashed potato and tinned frankfurters, and watching endless Open University programmes about mediaeval weaponry, carbon dating techniques, and the symbolism on the sodding Albert Memorial to fully hone my ruthless killer instinct."
"I'll bet."
"Which is why," the dark wizard continued, clearly feeling comfortable in full lecturing mode, "I can now say with absolute confidence... WELL, FUCK ME!"
"Ooh, Severus, how kinky! I'd love to, but I really think I ought to park the car first, eh? I mean we don't want to have an accident or..." but the eager smile on Lupin's face froze as he realised that his lover wasn't in fact demanding some hot wolfy action, but had his eyes rather firmly set upon a tall leather-clad figure leaning nonchalantly on a lamp-post by the launderette.
"Stop the car, Lupin."
There was a defeated scrape of brakes, and then a nasty creaking sound as Snape wound his window down. "Well well! My dear Lucius." he purred.
The platinum-haired beauty tried his hardest not to appear surprised as he moved smoothly towards them. "Severus, how delightful to see you. And in such a charming..." His nose wrinkled as he surveyed the ancient vehicle, "Do you have a name for this contraption?" he sneered.
"Yes Malfoy. My lovely car is an Austin Allegro, and she goes by the name of Tinkerbell!" called Lupin, apparently oblivious to his lover's pained wince.
"Indeed?" smirked the leather Malfoy. "My my, Severus, but your taste in headgear has changed somewhat, I see." Snape scowled and snatched the offending froggy hat from his head, much to Lupin's disappointment.
"Ah, that's better. It's much easier to concentrate on only one pair of eyes per head, I find." Then, in a move pinched from all the Bond movies he had never seen, he draped his arm casually on the sill, and leaned seductively towards the day-tripping wizards, "Well now, are you going to offer me a ride, hmm?"
Snape cleared his throat, "I... ah... "
"Hop in the back, Malfoy, and we'll take you to... where was it you're going?" said Lupin.
"You know, I'm not entirely certain, wolfman. I'm not even sure where in Hades we are."
"Tooting."
"Really, Severus? My, how queer!" said the blond lovely as he clambered onto the blanket-covered back seat. "What an unusual aroma there is in here! Do you keep a dog?"
"Not since Black left you, isn't that right, Lupin?" sneered the dark wizard.
"Oh Severus, that was below the belt!" The little car crunched into gear, and once again, they were off!
"Speaking of below the belt, perhaps you'd care to join me in the back seat, Severus? I'm sure we could find something to entertain us whilst your driver takes us on a wonderful tour of... where did you...?"
"Tooting. I must say I'm surprised to find you here, Lucius. It's not your usual salubrious haunt."
"Indeed it's not! I was apparated here by Regulus Black."
This amazing pronouncement was met by stunned silence, apart from the spluttering of Lupin's finely-tuned engine.
"But, Lucius, Regulus Black is..."
"No he is not! I saw him last night, the little cocksucking git!"
"That's no way to speak of the deceased, Malfoy." Lupin's tone had become unusually stern.
"He isn't deceased, wolf."
"Lucius, the Dark Lord's magic turned poor Regulus into an Inferius." Snape shuddered as he remembered the story.
"Not true, my frowning friend! The reports were greatly exaggerated; it turns out that the lad was merely taking a watery sabbatical."
The mood in the jalopy brightened considerably. "So, where is he now, then?" asked Snape.
"How should I know? We had an awful row, and he just apparated me here and left me! The bastard!"
Snape considered the haughty pale Adonis, "Lucius, what had you done to deserve that?"
"Nothing! The lad's a bloody menace."
"Had you been drinking?"
"No. Well... a little..."
"And?"
"Oh, alright, I was in a club... don't look at me like that, Lupin, we all know the type of places you like to frequent!"
"Please continue, Lucius." Snape's professorial voice was impressive, despite all the insults to its dignity.
"So, it was getting towards the end of the evening, and I spotted him there. This is a very lumpy blanket, Lupin."
"Malfoy, please try not to be distracted by the blanket." Snape's voice came through gritted teeth.
"Very well, so there's Regulus, dressed as a pirate..."
"Really? Wearing breeches?"
"Breeches, eye-patch, amusing plumed hat: everything."
"Were the breeches tight?"
"Oh yes. Very." There was a moment of quiet reflection.
The silence was broken by the clatter of the rear-view mirror making a break for freedom. "Bugger!" said Lupin, "Now I shan't be able to check my hair."
Snape aimed one of his pointed looks in the wolf's direction before urging Malfoy to continue with his tale.
"Well, we went outside, and before you could say Salazar's Salty Semen, he had my trouser snake out and down his throat."
"I fail to find your problem Lucius. As I recall, Regulus was always rather talented at fellatio." A low growl escaped from Lupin.
"Indeed he still is! Are you certain this blanket should be quite so lumpy, wolfman? Perhaps you should join me here, Severus. I have an idea how we could flatten out the bumps in this seat, hmm?" Lupin glanced at his dark lover, and noticed the man was licking his damn lips! A louder, deeper growl vibrated through the car.
"No, you see the problem was that once I had been sucked dry, I offered him money, and he rather took offence."
"You did what?"
"Slipped him a few galleons."
"You believed Black Minor to be a prostitute?"
"Heavens, no!"
"Well then...?"
"I thought with all the costume and whatnot that he was collecting for a pirate charity. He became absolutely furious, and Apparated me to this dump!"
"A pirate charity?" Snape and Lupin stared at each other, faces screwed up in frank and unflattering disbelief.
"Yes."
"Lucius, there is no such thing."
"Well, how was I to know? Wiltshire is landlocked."
Outside, the quaint beauty of Tooting High Street streaked past the grimy windows of the little car. Inside however, the leather-encased aristocrat found more cause for complaint. "You really ought to do something about the smell in this vehicle of yours, Lupin. It's quite overpowering. And I've never known such lumps in a blanket, unless of course it was full of my nubile lovers, which has happened on many an occasion, has it not, Severus?"
Lupin's next growl made a bid for snarl-status.
The dark wizard merely cleared his throat, blushed slightly, and attempted to change the conversation, but was cut short by a sudden shriek from the back seat.
"Aaaakkkk!! What in the name of Grindlewald's Goolies is that?" Lucius' silver grey eyes had found a pair of beady black ones peering out from a small furry face under the coverlet.
"Lupin, your damn sloth is startling Malfoy."
The werewolf craned his neck around to see the blanket-based kerfuffle. "Theophilus! There you are you naughty boy!" He reached his hand out behind him. "Come to Daddy!" the bewildered creature slowly hooked one deadly-looking clawed paw over the tasteful vinyl seat, then, observed by a horrified Malfoy, gradually swung himself into his keeper's lap.
Lupin cuddled his pet, and chided him gently, "I wondered where you'd got to. Honestly, I was beginning to think you'd run away for good."
Snape stared at his strange travelling companions, wishing to himself that it was merely a bad dream. He hadn't seen Malfoy looking that stunned since the day they'd accidentally walked in on Bellatrix trying out her new penis pump. "Travel sweet, Lucius? I find it often helps to suck on something sweet when one is in a state of shock."
"Thank you, no. Although I do feel a little unusual; rather hot and flustered. Perhaps I ought to loosen my clothing a little, hmm?"
"Well, it is very snug, Lucius. And leather does... tend to be... rather restrictive...Oh my!" the Potion Master's eyes were trying to pop out of his head as Lucius slowly, teasingly slid the zip of his jacket downwards to reveal his smooth, pale, flawless...
"That is ENOUGH!" shouted the werewolf. "You!" he pointed to Malfoy, "put your clothes back on, you hussy."
"Hussy?" the blond man sniggered.
"Hussy! And you!" he pointed at his travelling companion, "put your tongue back in your mouth. There's only one man you're supposed to dribble over, and that's ME!"
"Lupin, be reasonable! He's wearing leather for Merlin's sake! You know how hard it is to resist leather!"
"Severus, those clothes looks as though they came from the queer chapter of Hell's Angels."
"They do indeed, Mr Lupin. Your point being?"
Snape took a long, hard look at the beige wonder sitting beside him. The safari suit was now covered in sloth. "Lupin, considering that you are dressed like a cut-price David Attenborough, you are scarcely in a position to criticise the fashion choices of others."
Malfoy concluded his sniggering, and began taunting, "Severus has always had excellent taste in clothing. Even in his most intimate apparel, wouldn't you say, hmm?"
"ENOUGH I SAID! That's it! You seem to forget that beneath this cheerful, happy-go-lucky, adorably daft exterior... I AM A BLOODY WOLF!"
"Well well, ready to gobble me up, then? Imagine, twice in one day! Not that I'm complaining." replied Lucius. Snape brought his hand up to his brow; he knew there was only one way this argument would end.
"If you cannot keep away from my mate, Malfoy, I shall have to throw you out of my car!" The blond troublemaker seemed unmoved by this threat, so Lupin continued, "I will do it, you know! Nobody tries to get into my mate's knickers without..."
"Knickers, Lupin? Since when have I worn sodding knickers?"
"Don't argue with me Severus, I'm in alpha mode, and I'm NOT to be contradicted!" Even the sloth started to look wary. "Malfoy, get out of my car! NOW!"
"Very well. Are you not going to stop the car first, wolfman?"
"NO! OUT!"
"So be it. Severus, it was a pleasure seeing you as always. Until we meet again..." and, with a dignified swish of his beautiful locks, the fearless wizard opened the door and stepped gracefully out. Fortunately, very little damage can be done to a person when forcibly ejected from a moving vehicle which is travelling at less than ten miles per hour, and without breaking his stride he was in front of the kebab shop in seconds, none the worse for wear.
Severus, however, knew he would be in for a much bumpier ride when his mate turned to him with a feral glow in those amber eyes, "Now then, my mate, I expect you to get into the back seat and prepare yourself. I plan to fuck you so hard you'll even feel it in your armpits."
The black eyes widened with excitement, and only the smallest trepidation as the dark man began a rather undignified scramble over the seat.
"Oh and Severus? Don't forget to wear this." A green woolly object landed on the blanket beside him.