personal stuff entwined with fannish stuff
In a way the uncertainty is more deeply stressful than an outright refusal would be. (Although it's easy to say that when I haven't yet gotten the outright refusal.)
The worst part is that I can feel it kind of...sapping my energy, emotional and physical, away. For the first time in years I had become active in a smallish fan community, been writing and sharing that writing, been excited to share and chat about interests. But the whole thing, combined with starting this course again, has really made me plummet into deeply negative thought spirals.
In a way, I try to think of my awareness of this as a silver lining. I can now kind of tell the difference when I'm locked in such an anxious spiral that everything rubs me the wrong way or feels hostile to me, and thus I know when I should watch my responses and double check them for proportionality and rationality. Still, it sucks to only fully realize just how lovely it was to take a mental health step forward when you lose it.
I hope that I can get the health care situation sorted out and get back on track with my lessons, and then maybe be able to relax and get back into creative downtime as well. But it is depressing to realize I'm chasing the exact same circles I was about a month ago with my doctor, while he and his assistant have progressed to not replying to any of my voicemails. Originally posted by shiegra @ Dreamwidth with comments.