Who: Connor Lynch and Eddie Wood What: Connor has been stewing for a while and confronts Eddie Where: Eddie's flat When: Sunday evening Rating: TBD-probably pretty high Status: closed; complete
The last few weeks had been hard ones for Connor for a lot of reasons. Of course, he had been beyond thrilled when his brother had been named a member of the Irish team again, and that he had been chosen as team Physio (an honor that had gone to an older colleague last go-round). But that very night, the joy had been muddled by what he had seen. Eddie with Myron Wagtail, notorious playboy from The Weird Sisters. He had KISSED her, and even if Eddie had pushed him away, he couldn't get the image out of his mind.
Oh, he'd been busy since then. Between trying to keep his brother from killing himself in practice, reading through the endless files on the Irish team members he wasn't familiar with (which was thankfully rather limited, since quite a number of them either worked on the Kestrels or had while he was physio), and traveling for a conference in South Africa. The time apart had calmed some of his hot boiling anger over what he'd seen at the team announcements, but despite what he had told Eddie, not all of it had gone away. They'd simply pretended none of it had happened and rolled on their merry way. But the time for him to go to Australia was approaching, and despite the better part of him knowing that Eddie would never cheat on him, the fact that he was going to be away so long ate at him. What if Myron stopped by for a drink when he was gone? Would he try and kiss her again? Without Connor there, would she give in? The very thought made him sick. Little as he wanted to, he needed to talk to his girlfriend.
It was Sunday, which was always his least favorite night with Eddie. She was usually concerned with getting things together for the next week, and he hated having her attention undivided. The fact that this was a bit controlling never crossed Connor's mind. With his hands firmly in his pockets, he made his way easily up the stairs to Eddie's Hogsmeade flat. He took a hand out of his pocket in time to rap at the door and wait for her to open up to him.
--
Eddie had been waiting for Connor to say something, anything, about what had happened at the announcements. The distance between them through his being gone for a few weeks had kept her a little tense, waiting for the shoe to drop. Connor’s jealousy was something she’d noticed, in bits and pieces, and she’d been letting it slide. But they were going to have to talk about it sometime, and she was just waiting for that time. Normally, she would have just sat him down and bluntly hashed it out. But for this situation, she felt like she needed to wait. To give it a little time. But there was only so much Eddie would take, and she wasn’t sure how much time she had left in her to give.
Sunday night, and Connor was coming over. She hadn’t seen much of him at all in the last few weeks and she missed him. A lot. No matter what unspoken tension was sitting between them, she still loved him. And she was looking forward to seeing him. It being a Sunday meant multitasking on her part, but Eddie didn’t mind. She was dressed casually, just relaxed and comfortable. And in between working on some of her plans for the week, she was enjoying a glass of wine.
The sound of a knock at the door made Eddie start, lifting her head up from what she’d been reading. Setting down her glass of wine, she stood up from the couch and headed for the door. Eddie smiled as she tugged it open. “Hey babe,” she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.
--
Connor took in Eddie's form, and his heart skipped a little. Her sunny face always made him smile, and even if he was coming to talk to her about unpleasant topics, at the very least, she always made it clear to him that the tough parts were worth it. He just hoped he didn't hurt her by what he had to say. He smiled at her warmly, genuinely happy to see her, particularly since their time together lately had been so brief. "Hey yourself," he said, returning her kiss and stepping inside with her still attached to his lips. He closed the door behind him and wrapped his arms around her, carefully darting his tongue in her mouth. Briefly he considered just letting this propel them to her bedroom and forgetting about his desire to talk to her about the unsaid tension between them, but the responsible part of him tugged him back to reality. With a small groan, he broke their kiss and stood back, smile still on his lips, though he rubbed his forehead a bit in a bit of a nervous habit. "You look good. Taste good too, actually," he said, smirking, as he made his way over to her living room.
Connor had a bad habit of expecting people to follow him, and this was no exception. He flopped on Eddie's couch and sighed, waiting for her to join him. "I hope your first week back from break has been fine. Nothing crazy going on at Hogwarts then?" he called to her. Making small talk seemed like a good idea. He wasn't sure how quite to launch into a topic about this, most especially because he was pretty crap at talking about his feelings at all.
"I know it's always a rough go since they've been used to freedom for a few weeks."
--
Eddie smiled as they pulled apart, and tilted her head to look up at him. Her arms had wrapped around his lower back, and as easy as it would have been to just continue as they’d started, Eddie was glad he’d pulled back or she would have. “So do you,” she returned his comment with an arched eyebrow and a small, playful smile of her own. He disengaged from her and then just headed straight for her living room without another word, and Eddie sighed quietly, biting back her irritation. The tension in one area between them was affecting her tolerance in every area. Hands on her hips, she paused for a moment before following him to catch her breath. Once she had a reasonable hold on it, she dropped her hands and headed into the living room.
Eddie moved to the couch and sat down next to him, curling one leg up under the other. “Nothing crazier than usual anyways,” she smiled dryly. Small talk. Alright. Not her strong point. “There’ve been a few interesting circumstances, but thankfully, they’ve been mostly alright,” Merlin. This felt painful. Eddie’s smile slipped away, her expression growing a little more focused and intense.
“This is painful,” she said, bluntly and straightforwardly. They both knew there were unsaid things in the air, and Eddie didn’t want to ignore them anymore.
--
He happily listened to her small talk, letting his mind wander as Eddie joined him on the couch, particularly enjoying how cute she looked with a leg tucked up under her. He would have been happy to listen to the sound of her voice as she prattled on all night, he stories of Hogwarts always making him feel nostalgic and requiring little from him except a smile and a nod on occasion. It was a little vacation for his brain, which was now weighing with the unspoken tension of the last month or so.
So it was not without a frown that Connor registered Eddie's change of subject. Damn, she was sharp. He wanted to deny it, wanted to wave his hand and pretend she was imagining it, which would prevent this inevitable conversation that would, in his mind, be nothing short of tortuous. Connor hated talking about how he felt, and he cared even less for making Eddie uncomfortable, and this conversation was guaranteed to do both. He sighed and brought a hand to rub the spot between his eyebrows before turning towards her. "I guess so." He dropped his hand and looked at her, trying to decide how to start.
"Why do you think that is?" he asked, hoping to put some of it on her. He was a coward at times, he knew, at least in these sorts of circumstances. But he also wanted to see if Eddie knew, if she could tell where the tension stemmed from. Maybe it would tell him that he WAS imagining it all.
--
The frown and the way he rubbed between his eyebrows were pretty clear tells as to how Connor was feeling. But Eddie wasn’t going to let it slide anymore. They’d had space. They’d had time. If this was going to work between them, they needed honesty. Period. She wasn’t interested in comfort at the cost of truth. His deflection irritated her. Eddie’s lips pressed together and her eyes snapped for a moment, but she took a breath before she spoke. “That’s cowardly,” she called him on it, bluntly. “We both know there’s tension. There’s been tension for a few weeks.” She felt a little like a bull in a shop, but she was going for it. “And it started after the announcements. Myron,” There. It was all out there.
“I know that bothered you,” it would have bothered anyone in that situation. But they were only just now talking about it. Part of that was her fault, for letting it go. But Eddie wanted the air clear. She wanted to hear what he was thinking. She couldn’t guess. Part of her wanted to touch him, to anchor herself through it. But another part felt like they both needed the distance. For now.
--
Connor tensed at her words. Well, he knew he was dating a smart woman, but sometimes he hated how VERY wise Eddie was. Her words were little daggers to him. How could he say the things he wanted to say? He hated feeling exposed like that. She'd seen that he was insecure, that he was bothered, despite his best efforts to hide it. He leaned forward resting his elbows on her knees before he plopped his head in his hands. He supposed he had no choice now, Eddie had put the ball firmly in his court and now was the time to man up. He couldn't pretend things were fine any longer, when he knew they weren't.
"It did bother me," he said at last, ignoring the part where she called him a coward. He couldn't deny that part, it was explicitly true, but he wasn't one to ever say that aloud. He was a tough man, a LYNCH, and no Lynch was going to name himself a coward even if that fact was plainly obvious. The fact that he'd gotten angry with his brother so many times over doing that very thing seemed to be completely lost on him. "I can't get the image out of my mind, Eddie. Every time you kiss me, I have to push that picture of the two of you kissing out of my mind. You never told me that you ever friends and then suddenly I'm supposed to be okay with a rock star publically kissing you? I just...it makes it hard for me to be okay with going to Australia," he said at last, staring at his hands instead of looking at her.
--
At least he was opening up, talking about it. Eddie looked down at him, listening intently as he spoke. His admittance that it did bother him was a step. Her hand reached up to smooth his hair gently, although her hand paused in its motion as he finished the rest of his statement. “What do you mean? Hard for you to be okay with going to Australia?” Eddie’s brow furrowed and she left that for a moment to respond to his whole comment first.
“First of all, Myron and I happened a long time ago, before I moved. We lost touch and I haven’t spoken to him in ages. Hence, he’s never come up. Secondly, Myron is touchy. He’s always been that way. It’s how he communicates. And he kissed me, and I pushed him away.” Her voice was calm, rational. “Third, I never said you had to be ok with it. I was not expecting you to be ok with it at all. I wouldn’t have been ok with it, if it had been me on the other side. Why didn’t you say something, right away?” She paused to catch her breath. “Fourth, why the hell would that make it hard for you to leave?” She had an inkling that she knew why, and she wasn’t going to like it much at all.
--
Connor let out a long breath. Eddie's hand in his hair calmed him some, and he was ready to hope this would all blow over smoothly, but then he sensed her tension and her dislike of his last statement, This was the part of all this that he didn't like. He hesitated in answering her when she first asked about Australia and his reservations, and then went stone quiet as he listened to her explanation. His stomach was in knots, but he knew that just sitting and pretending he wasn't bothered was even worse. He frowned, trying to decide what bit of that to tackle first.
"I...well, it just planted a seed of doubt in me. I trust you, Eddie. I believe that you didn't want to kiss him and you didn't ask him to. But I don't know this Myron guy. How do you think I'd feel, seeing some famous musician that women throw themselves at constantly-hell, MEN throw themselves constantly at, and I'm just supposed to be okay with him kissing you? What do I have that Myron doesn't? I can't offer you what he could. I'm not exciting, or exotic or mysterious. I make muscles better for Quidditch players. I'm good at it. But it's certainly not glamorous." He paused, looking at her, sure that he was sounding like an idiot at this point. He exhaled and rubbed his forehead again.
"I know it's not you. I know you wouldn't hurt me. Intellectually, I know that. But now I can't get the image out of my mind and I don't know how to make myself not be jealous." He looked at her then, trying to get her to see his meaning, his anguish at his own doubt.
"I guess I didn't want to admit that I was jealous, especially since I don't know that I measure up."
--
Eddie was confused. Connor was saying a lot, but she was trying to sort through it all and get down to the point. Which at the root of it all was insecurity on his part, and she was starting to think an issue with trusting her as well. Her brow furrowed, her eyes on his face as he paused to look up at her. She understood how it must have made him feel, and she didn’t want that for him. Which she was trying to tell him. She just wasn’t sure it had gotten through all that well. “Connor,” she started, her voice quieter than normal when the subject was something this intense. “There’s no comparison,” Myron was Myron, and Connor was Connor. That was it. “I’m here. With you.” Her bright, fierce blue eyes were pinned to his, trying to show him what she was saying.
“You don’t honestly think that something like glamour and rockstars could sway me, do you?” Her voice was quiet. That bothered her. A lot. How well did he know her, if that was what he thought?
--
Connor listened to what she said and nodded, over and over, but part of him wasn't hearing what she was saying. He couldn't help that he both believed and couldn't believe her. He wanted to believe that he was special, that their relationship was solid and they loved each other, but that kiss between Eddie and Myron, however little Eddie wanted it, had planted a very pernicious seed in Connor's mind.
"I know that. Ed...I don't think you're going to run off with him or anything like that. It's just..." Connor paused and tried to decide how to put what he meant into words. "It just started me doubting. I know you say you love me and that meant nothing, but I can't get over it so easily. I'm sorry. I keep thinking that we'll compete and that I just measure-"
He paused and sighed.
"Your life with me is much more boring. I WANT you to have the best life. That's how much I love you. And...seeing him made me question whether I'm the one that would make you happiest."
--
God damn it. Now she was getting pissed. “And I strike you as the kind of person to equate happiness with money and fame? Is that it?” Eddie moved back, sliding her legs out from under him and giving herself a little breathing room. She didn’t do still when she was angry. It was such a waste of energy. “Do you realize how shallow that is? Not to mention, since when is it up to you to decide who or what makes me happy?” Eddie’s eyes were on his, and her voice was sharp.
“I’ve told you the truth about it, but that’s not enough?” Now she was feeling hurt. “I told you I loved you. I told you how I felt about what happened. But you can’t believe me?” Eddie took a breath. “I can’t make you believe me Connor. Either you trust me, or you don’t. And if you don’t, then I’m not sure where we can take this conversation.” God that hurt to say. Eddie pressed a hand against the ache in her chest.
--
"No!" he countered, guilty and hurt over her words and the tone that was implied in them. "I just..." he was doing this very badly. He meant he felt bad about HIMSELF, that HE felt less than, and wanted some way to be able to prove his worthiness to Eddie. He was, of course, doing a very bad job at explaining himself. He coughed, trying to clear his throat and stall for time as he thought of how to explain this to his girlfriend so as not to anger her any more than he already had. "I just...I can't help that I felt doubt. I'm not saying you WANT him, or that you would GO to him or anything like that. I just...it made me think of myself in comparison and well..." He trailed off and stared at the floor, trying to avoid her gaze.
"I know you love me," Connor said, slowly lifting his eyes to meet hers. "I do believe you, this isn't about YOU, it's ME," he said. How many times that very statement had been said by how many lovers and had it not be true? In this case, Connor knew it was so.
"I guess...I didn't want to leave you without being able to prove that I DO deserve you. But I don't know how to do that."
--
Eddie lifted her hand and rubbed it against her temple. She was confused and frustrated. Tired and hurt. She was following Connor, mostly. Although she was baffled by it. Myron’s actions had made Connor feel insecure. Not in her, but in himself. Which didn’t make sense to her. But if that was what he was feeling, that was what he was feeling. And now it was her turn to feel doubt, hearing him say that he believed her. She met his eyes, her open, fierce face showing every little thing she was feeling.
“What do you mean ‘leave me’?” She asked quietly, her voice less forceful. She didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to handle this. “Connor, I don’t know what to do.” Honesty seemed like the best policy. “I’m not asking you to ‘prove that you deserve me’,” she lowered her hand and made a helpless gesture with it. “I’m sorry that it made you feel that way. I don’t want that,” Eddie hadn’t wanted any of this mess of miscommunication. “What do you need from me?” She just asked him, baldly, her eyes on his and her expression confused, frustrated and a little helpless.
-- "I mean, literally go across an ocean and leave you alone. I'll be in Australia and you'll be teaching here, and I guess...I guess I just couldn't go without talking to you. Eddie, I'm total shite at talking about how I feel. This is HARD for me. I don't know how to tell you precisely how I feel. But this IS how I feel, even if I'm SHITE at telling you." Connor hadn't said so many words about his feelings in a very long time and it was making me feel uncomfortable. "It's not...feeling jealous and inadequate isn't exactly fun. YOU didn't make me feel that way. The SITUATION did, but still. It's there. And it seems like the last few weeks it's just been hanging over us and getting in the way of our relationship."
He saw the pain on her face and felt horrible. He leaned over and put his arm around her shoulder, tilting her head onto his. He rubbed her arm and thought for a moment, trying to think about what could happen, what he needed to feel like he deserved her.
"I don't know that I ever WILL deserve you. But, I guess I just needed to tell you and help you understand. I LOVE you, Eddie. I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I loved you. Thinking about you with someone else kills me. I'm sorry to upset you by being insecure about us, but I'm just a dumb Irishman who'd rather express my feelings through a fist in the wall than an actual conversation, so this is big for me."
--
Oh. Right. Australia. Damn. Eddie’s head was aching and she wasn’t sure whether she needed to punch something or pace or run, or just sleep. She needed some outlet. Somehow. Eddie just felt helpless. The jealousy and inadequacy Connor was feeling was due to something out of her hands. And wasn’t something she could fix. And she hated feeling helpless. With a passion. He was right. Whatever he’d been feeling since that moment had been forcing a distance between them that she wasn’t entirely sure how to handle. When Connor leaned over and put his arm around her, Eddie stayed stiff for a second only and then relaxed into him although she still felt antsy and unsettled.
She knew how hard talking about things like this was for Connor. And this was a pretty big ‘thing’. “I know,” she said first, feeling tired and defeated. She just didn’t know what to say. She understood. But now she was left with nothing to do. And Eddie needed action. She couldn’t just rest with understanding. “I understand Connor,” she added after a moment’s pause. “But just understanding won’t make it go away,” she turned her head to look at him. “You’re not dumb, and I know this is hard for you,” it wasn’t exactly easy for her at this point either. “But I need a solution. I need to see a path forward,” Eddie was trying to communicate as clearly as she could. “I can’t just let it rest with understanding. The issue is still there. And I want to fix it,” especially with him leaving. She didn’t want to just have all of this out, in the air, floating around and between them, unresolved.
--
With Eddie leaning against him, Connor closed his eyes. When he was WITH her, things were better. He could understand how crazy it was to doubt her affections, and he DIDN'T doubt her, but there was a part of him that felt inadequate. Slowly an idea was dawning on him. The fact that it was MYRON had been a big deal because it brought back memories of the only other woman he THOUGHT he had loved. One that had not found him worthy, and HAD gone on to marry a rock star who was clearly better than him. Ronnie. He turned red, hoping Eddie couldn't see his face, as he realized the source of his anxiety. Could he tell her about it and have her understand?
"Um," he started after a moment. "I...well, I'm starting to get why this has bothered me so much, but you might not like what I have to say."
He exhaled, and moved on.
"I think it's because the only other woman I thought I loved was Ronnie. And she rejected me and married Donny."
--
The change in Connor’s expression was interesting. Eddie tilted her head slightly so that she could see him better, watching him intently. When he spoke, she felt an increase in the pressure on her chest, and instantly her mind went about twenty different directions, imagining almost every possible scenario. And then he continued, and his explanation brought a lot of clarity to his reaction to Myron. “Oh,” she said, quietly, her blue eyes keen and intent on his face.
Eddie was silent for a moment, her mind cycling rapidly. That one moment with Myron had brought up his biggest negative experience, and she felt a flash of understanding for his reaction. She hadn’t known, about Ronnie. And she felt protective of Connor in knowing now. Acting decisively, Eddie shifted quickly. She slid one leg over his, straddling him and lifting her hands to his face. “Connor. I love you. I am not rejecting you. I’m not leaving you.” She didn’t care if she was repeating herself. “I hate that that happened to you,” Eddie’s voice was quiet, and fierce. “And I am not her.”
--
Connor hoped that he hadn't hurt Eddie with his words. He felt like an idiot that he was so affected by what had happened between him and Ronnie. He had been a lot younger then, and Ronnie hadn't meant to hurt him like that. They hadn't been right for each other, that much had been certain to him later, but the rejection had been real enough. And even though he loved Eddie, and he knew she was much better for him than Ronnie ever had been, he couldn't help but be worried that their path would go the same way. It was irrational and stupid, but that was emotion for you. Which was precisely why Connor hated them.
"I'm sorry, babe. I know you're not her. You're nothing like Ronnie, and it's stupid for me to even make the leap. I love you," he said again, as she moved to straddle him. He looked into her eyes and listened to her, and nodded, slowly. Then, without another word, he tangling his fingers in her hair and pulled her into a passionate kiss.
--
Eddie’s hands slid up into Connor’s hair as he spoke, her sharp eyes on his. She hated that he’d been made to feel stupid and insecure over the whole thing. Part of her wished that he had a little more confidence in himself and in her, but given his history she understood. She understood a lot more than she had a few moments ago, and it gave her something to work with. Something to do. She wasn’t sure he’d heard everything she’d said, but at least they were getting somewhere with this mess. And then his hand was in her hair and she was being tugged down for a kiss that just about lit her insides on fire and stopped a good bit of her thought process.
Her hand in his hair tightened, and she dropped the other to hook around his neck and shoulders, pressing her upper body into his. She’d missed him. Missed talking to him, missed this.
--
Even though Connor still felt embarrassed and unsure of himself, being with Eddie like this made a lot of that go away. He wished, so much, that his first reaction wasn't to feel inadequate and jealous when this happened. A stronger, better man would have laughed and just felt even better about themselves that their girlfriend would choose him over a rock star. Connor wanted to be that guy, he just wasn't there yet.
Connor dropped his hands to grip her thighs, and sighed into her lips. "I love you, I'm sorry I'm so messed up," he murmured between kisses, stroking her soft legs and letting the guilt of his having held this in for so long go.
"Can I make this up to you, in the bedroom?" he asked, kissing her neck.
--
“Don’t,” Eddie said, her voice quiet between kisses. “You’re not,” her voice was firm and warm. “And I love you,” she leaned into him, her arms holding him closer, as he kissed her neck. It had been a while since they’d done this, and Eddie wanted to show him how he made her feel, not just tell him. “You can do whatever you want to me in the bedroom,” she replied, her expression a little mischievous. She ran her hand through his hair with a smile and disengaged enough to slide off of him and stand up, her hands catching hold of his and tugging him up after her. She turned to lead the way out of the room, her fingers tangled in his, looking back over her shoulder with a smile.
“Coming?”
-- His chest felt so much lighter, he didn't even bother responding to her admonishments of his apology. He kissed her back, his doubt melting away with her lips, and everything about Eddie making him still, despite her words, feel a bit guilty that he had ever felt doubts. There was so much certainty in her kisses and he needed that more than he realized. "Promise?" he asked when she said he could do anything he wanted. Eddie hoped he could make up for his doubts about himself by blowing her mind between the sheets. Or against the wall. Or anywhere she would have him.
"Good Godric yes," he responded as she got up and pulled him towards the bedroom. He pulled her to him and kissed her again, putting everything into it, all his love and care for her. "Lead the way," he said after he finally tore his lips away.
Whatever doubts he had, he did not doubt that he loved her, and now, he didn't doubt she loved him either.