Her smile faltered, and she tensed as he adopted a serious tone. She instinctively knew in some part of her what subject he would bring up, even if it took her slightly longer to register this in the forefront of her mind. She forced herself to keep her gaze on his face though her hand went behind her head to massage her neck nervously. She wasn’t entirely sure what to say, and a thousand different responses ran through her mind before he even finished his sentence. She would tell him no, of course. The cowardly response, maybe, but she couldn’t risk losing him again. It was best to just pretend that it was all behind her, regardless of whether or not it actually was. Maybe in the future she’d answer differently, but right now, there was too much at stake and-
Wait, what? She blinked, unable to process his confession. Her lips parts in surprise and her eyes narrowed, and she couldn’t do anything but stare at him for a moment. He couldn’t be serious, could he? Had she misheard him? He couldn’t possibly think that about her. “What are you saying. You can’t possibly mean that…” She faded off, unable to actually say the thought aloud. He couldn’t stop thinking about her. Alright, so what did that mean? The obvious interpretation was too implausible, inconceivable. If that was the case, surely he wouldn’t have waited until now, six years after the fact, to tell her. It wouldn’t have been some recent revelation; if he had actually felt something for her, he would have said something sooner, right? They had been out of contact, sure, but he could have found some way to say it. Was he just guilty? That was possible, she reasoned.
She studied his face, frowning. But he wouldn’t be acting like this if it was only guilt over breaking her heart years ago, lifetimes before. She opened her mouth to say something, and then thought better of it when words didn’t come. What do you say to that? She wasn’t even entirely sure how she felt.
She looked away from him, sighing. Had she ever stopped thinking of him? But she had dated other people, had perfectly happy relationships. It wasn’t like she thought of him constantly. There had been moments, sure, but that was normal, wasn’t it? Surely she couldn’t feel the same way that she had, right?
No.
Maybe she did still feel something for him, and maybe it was stronger than a vague ‘something’ implied. But so what? This was the first time she had spoken to him in six years. She wasn’t the same person that she had been, and neither was he. That could be taken as a positive- they had matured, and now they actually could have some sort of a chance-, but it had been so long, six years, a fourth of her life. She must have idealized him to some extent or only thought of him because it hadn’t worked out, and she had been so young, she couldn’t have been that serious. It couldn’t be something that could endure, something feasible.
She looked up at him again stubbornly, confusion ebbing away only to be replaced with a sort of accusatory determination. “But you didn’t say anything. I put myself out there, and you said nothing. What, was the idea so unfathomable that you couldn’t even tell me that you felt nothing for me? And now, years later, when I think I’ve finally gotten over you, you tell me, I don’t even know, that you couldn’t stop thinking of me?” She became aware that she was rambling, but she didn’t care, it needed to be said. It wasn’t fair of him. It wasn’t fair that she somehow didn’t care, that for all her protests, all she really wanted to do was lean over and kiss him, to assure him that everything would be okay, that they would be okay, because she knew what he was saying because she felt the same way.
And she did, didn’t she. This wouldn’t have been this much of an issue if she didn’t. That idea should have sent her reeling, should have shocked her because she had spent so long denying it, but it had just been so obvious that she wasn’t sure why she couldn’t have just admitted it to herself sooner. It had always been there, and while she had faced it before, the timing had been all wrong and it had ended poorly, but there they were with this second chance, just as it was supposed to be.