mander3_swish (mander3_swish) wrote in qaf_giftxchnge, @ 2013-01-05 01:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | 2012 gift exchange |
Gift # 36 of 36
TO: xheartrockx
FROM: sxysadie21
TITLE: Who Says You Can’t Go Home?
GIFT REQUEST: Fic hurt/comfort B/J. Other Specifications: that last month between Justin breaking up with Ethan and going to work at VanGard
NOTE: Dear Sway, I am so very sorry you had to wait a week longer for this. Life is – well, life. And I had such a hard time with the idea that I could ever even finish this for you. I hope you enjoy it. And as penance for my sin of being late – I would offer another fic request to be completed asap for you, if you’d like. Thanks to Swish for letting me be a week late and not strangling me, for the read through and tips, and to Nastya for letting me always whine about how I will never finish it – and catching so many of my horrible typos. Enjoy!
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There were never many words between the two of them. There simply hadn’t been a need for them; and even if he had needed them? Brian wouldn’t have given them to him anyway. Justin knew that. He recognized this from the first day he laid eyes on the older man. That’s not to say Brian didn’t find a way to let him know how he felt, what he liked, what he didn’t like. Justin had always chalked it up to knowing Brian - from day one. He could read him. He could understand him. It had taken awhile for him to realize Brian wouldn’t bend to his will, wouldn’t change who he was. But, after Ethan’s admirer showed up at their door – he knew he didn’t want anyone who wasn’t true to themselves anyway.
He couldn’t be hidden away, he didn’t want to be. Daphne was right; at least Brian never tried to hide who he was or who Justin was. He always told Justin where they stood, never led him on. He never sugarcoated anything. There was something much worse about being lied to than not getting exactly what you wanted. And Justin had finally figured that out.
So he knew, that day he walked by Brian in front of the diner – he knew Brian knew. They didn’t have to say a word. They didn’t have to stop and exchange fake bullshit pleasantries. He knew Brian could read on his face that Justin was aware he’d made a terrible mistake. And he knew, from the quick glimpse in Brian’s direction, that Brian wasn’t happy either. He may have never wanted a boyfriend, he may have never wanted a relationship, he may have stated a thousand times that Justin was free to do what he wanted – but he also knew that Brian felt betrayed. From just the passing glimpse he got of the other man – he recognized Brian was just as sorry as he was. Only for a much different reason
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Brian had warned Justin that he wasn’t going to win any fucking awards for being a martyr, for being poor. He’d also thought he had done a much better job teaching the younger man that being who you are - being true to yourself - was much more important than how things appear to others.
The day Brian passed him in front of the diner was the last time he felt sorry for Justin. He wouldn’t have admitted that he felt any sort of pity, because – besides the fact that pity made his dick soft – he wouldn’t have wanted to admit he cared that much. Not out loud. Not yet. Not now. Maybe never, even. But walking past him, and seeing the blatant regret in Justin’s eyes didn’t make him feel sorry for the other man - even if it should have. Instead he felt vindicated. He felt alive. He felt sorry, for just a moment, that Justin hadn’t had the common fucking sense to listen to him. Instead he was out gallivanting on the roof with a goddamn fiddler, worrying about rings and flowers and empty promises. What the fuck were they teaching kids nowadays? It’s like he was waiting for a fairytale. For his prince charming. For a happy ending.
This is real life, kid. And you fucked up.
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“Mikey, I don’t have time for this bullshit. Just tell me what the hell is going on. And we can move on from this,” he waved his arm around dramatically as he paused. “Whatever the fuck this moment is.”
Michael glanced up at his best friend and sighed. It wasn’t worth it. He knew Brian was hurting. He could tell everything that was happening wasn’t just going to blow over. And Brian could pretend all he wanted that Justin wasn’t important to him – and secretly Michael sometimes wished this was still true. But he could tell Brian wasn’t unfazed by this, no matter what philosophical crap left his friend’s mouth about only relying on oneself. Michael also knew this was why his friend was throwing himself into his work, even if Brian wouldn’t admit it. He always did this. Found one way or another to distract himself. Maybe they really were getting older – because years ago Brian would have just spent days he couldn’t recount with men who he couldn’t count. But now he was busy spending all of his time trying to find a way to get that ridiculous police chief elected. Michael wasn’t sure, at this point, which was worse.
He opened his mouth, determined to say something. But he couldn’t. He was too worn out from his own issues. He didn’t have time for Brian’s. Not this time. “Nothing, Bri. There isn’t a moment.”
Brian resisted the urge to roll his eyes, instead rolling his lips into his mouth for a brief moment. “Have it your way.”
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Justin knew, before he even fully understood his own sexuality, that he should trust himself. He had good instincts. He knew himself better than anyone else. So, even though he left Brian willingly; even though Ethan had been his choice? It wasn’t really. He had known better. He could feel it in the very pit of his stomach. He needed to leave. He had to. But he knew he shouldn’t. He was hyper-sensitive, from the moment he left Brian’s loft, to the fact that it was a horrible idea. But he ignored that feeling. He tried to convince himself he was just worried about being out of Brian’s “helping” zone. Brian had been there for him at a time when he felt no one else had. Brian had dragged him out of his shell. He had let him feel safe..as safe as possible…when no one else could. He had dismissed the horrible guttural feeling as a fear of leaving the safety of Brian’s life – the safety of the other man’s arms.
Looking back now, however, he could tell – without even having to pause to think about it – that he had just ignored his own warning. He had written off his gut feeling as something it wasn’t. And now he was paying the price.
He rolled over, grabbing the pillow from the couch and shoving it over his face as he heard Daphne coming in. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t to hear her cheerful bullshit, he didn’t want to go to a movie, or eat ice cream. He just wanted to erase the last..however long..of this nightmare and accept Brian for what he was, who he was.
The pillow didn’t deter Daphne. “Get up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. And take a shower. Jeez, Justin.”
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He had feigned complete composure when he told Daphne he was leaving to put in his application. The truth was he couldn’t even breathe without feeling a sharp pain in his chest. What if this didn’t work? What if Brian was just as stubborn as everyone thought?
What he if was wrong about Brian welcoming him back with open arms? What if Daphne was completely off about him chasing Brian? What if he should have let Brian figure out what he was missing and come after him? What if that never happened? That would never happen, would it? There were so many what-ifs that Justin couldn’t even fully remember his route to the agency. He was lost in his own thoughts.
He was certain that, if this didn’t work out, however – he was going to have to kill Daphne. And maybe look for a new best friend.
He handed in his application with shaking hands. He cleared his throat too much. He fidgeted. But when it came time to sell himself? He was fabulous. He flashed his confident smile, he knew he was worth something. Brian had taught him this. And now he would remind Brian.
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Justin working with him was ridiculous. It was asinine. There were other firms, there were other people to work for, there were others to learn from. When was the kid going to learn to leave him alone? When was he going to figure out that he had walked out? He had chosen his path. Everyone makes their own decisions in life.
Justin was talented. There was no question in Brian’s head that this was true. There were even less questions about whether he would be an asset to a company or not. But that didn’t mean he had to work here. Not with him. He could find somewhere else to flash that smile and charm everyone in thinking he was a beam of sunshine.
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Brian relenting was all Justin needed. He knew he would find a way back into the other man’s good graces. He had, after all, been able to read Brian like no one else could – from the very beginning.
He wasn’t even fazed when Brian fired him. There was no reason to think he couldn’t talk his way back into Brian’s office, his workplace, and his heart. He had, without a doubt, learned from the best.
Brian may have told him that advertising was just selling your soul to the devil, but it was also really nothing more than selling oneself. And asking Brian for a second chance was just that -selling himself to Brian. He could do that in his sleep. He knew every button to push, he knew the looks to give the other man. This was – in Justin’s mind – going to be easy.
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He hadn’t even wanted to hire Justin, but he certainly didn’t want to have to fire him. Contrary to what everyone believed, he could be professional. He had made a career at pretending. Pretending to give a shit about what a dimwitted client wanted, pretending to appreciate those around him at work, pretending that he needed their praise. He didn’t need anything or anyone else. Just himself. He had built himself a hell of a career that way. So he could be professional.
But the insufferable twat had fucked up. There was no way around it. He wasn’t going to get special treatment. Chalk it up to another lesson.
Real world check again, Sunshine. You fucked up. Deal with it.
He wasn’t prepared for Justin to appeal for a second chance. He had imagined Justin would leave with his tail tucked between his legs. Maybe even go running back to the fiddler. Licking his wounds. Looking for someone to appease him. And tell him how fucking fantastic he was.
Justin surprised him. Maybe I did teach you a few things.
Who was he to deny a young inquiring mind the privilege of learning from his greatness? How could he not share that with the younger generation? He’d be doing the world a huge disservice if he didn’t share all he knew, right?
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Justin was completely certain Brian wanted to give into him. He knew, before Brian opened his mouth, that he would give him a second chance. He knew he’d experience the other man’s skin against his own, enjoy his mouth against Brian’s, feel his hips pressed against the other man’s. There was never a doubt in his mind.
If Brian had taught him one thing, it was to go for what you wanted. To never sit back and wait. To forget about what society tells you is the right thing. But to fuck them all (and sometimes literally) and do what made you feel good.
Brian made him feel good. Brian’s body against his. Brian’s breath against his neck. Brian’s cock inside of him. They all made him feel good.
As he threw his head back, feeling Brian’s teeth against the sensitive skin along his neck and his cock sliding deep inside of him, he realized that this was better than any bullshit therapy his mother had ever made him go to. It was better than movies and ice cream on the couch with Daphne. It was better than drawing. It was hot. It was wet. It was everything he had remembered, and dreamed about while he was with Ethan. It was the things wet dreams were made of, yes. But more than anything? It was comfortable. It was Brian. Every thrust from Brian made him want to climb the walls. It made him want to scream at the top of his lungs. But it made him feel right. It made him feel like he could come home. It wasn’t a conventional home. It wasn’t a conventional relationship. According to Brian it wasn’t even a relationship. But it was still home. His home.