sanami276 (ohfreckle) wrote in qaf_giftxchnge, @ 2010-12-25 12:12:00 |
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To: selenebj
From: bidyke73
Title: Life Is A Rollercoaster
Gift Request: "I would love to read something about Justin wanting kids of his own and Brian's reaction to it. In a realistic way. Whatever the author does with the idea it's fine by me " Girl, I hope it really is. Merry Christmas!
Rating: NC-17
Summary: September 2011, Justin's POV. "Don't you want kids of your own, Justin?", Gus asked suddenly. Justin contemplates this while he thinks about the last eleven years.
Special thanks to my beta masnds2 who was so patient with my impatience. ;o)
Life Is A Rollercoaster
Present
September 2011
“Ten years! I can't believe it,” I hugged Michael and he hugged me back enthusiastically. He had really become my older brother over the years, all rivalry long forgotten. It was just the family today, no customers allowed as the official opening of “Red Cape Comics” in its new, improved space would be tomorrow. Ten years since Michael had followed his dream and packed in his shitty job at the Big Q.
I still remember the only time I visited this store before Michael owned it. Brian had told me that Michael always hung around among the comic books when he was in a bad mood. I had gone there to bring the two stubborn friends together again, after Brian had thrown Michael off of one of his famous Kinney cliffs. I was a clever kid but little did I know about what would be the “push and pull” of our relationship in the following years. I mean, even in my wildest dreams I wouldn't have imagined me and Brian as a real couple, among all of our friends and their kids. We've come a long way.
I continued hugging and kissing my way through the crowd. Of course we were fashionably late because Brian couldn't decide which one of his black V-neck shirts he should wear. One of them was just too sexy so I had to take it off and this caused another little delay. Never mind - our family knew what to expect from us and we liked to live up to their expectations.
“Daph!”
“You look great!” Daphne was seven months pregnant and although she complained all the time about how heavy her legs felt and how fed up she was with her big, fat belly, she was positively glowing. Daphne, who never wanted to marry and have kids, had obviously changed her mind after she met Erik. Erik was blonde, tall and very hot. He was from Sweden and a doctor at the same hospital where she worked. He had agreed to share the parenting of their kid equally – Daphne had told me that she had threatened to withhold sex from him if didn't comply with his promise in the future. Poor Erik was fucked. I greeted him with a handshake and moved on to Hunter.
“Hey dude.”
At 23, Hunter was a teacher at an elementary school and Michael never left out an opportunity to emphasize how good Hunter was with the kids. He was especially good with his little sister, JR, and with Gus, who seemed to adore him almost as much as his two daddies. Apart from that, he was still Hunter; snarky, smart-assed and clever.
Brian came by and brushed my arm, whispering, “I can't stand this domestic bliss. Can we go out somewhere and fuck? “
“I heard that,” Michael grinned. “Just keep it down a bit in front of the children, would you?”
Brian rolled his eyes and leaned in to give Michael a peck on the lips. “Relax, Mikey. Everything will be just fine. You've done a great job here.”
“My husband always does,” Ben intervened and laughed at Brian who grimaced at them.
“Why did Uncle Brian kith Daddy and not Juthtin?” Jenny-Rebecca lisped through the gap between her teeth, pulling on my sweater with her small, sticky hands. Debbie must have given them chocolate behind the lesbian's backs.
Two hours later, almost all the food had magically disappeared and Debbie whined that she was out of practice. Back in the good old days , there always was too much food when she had cooked for the whole family. Well, the secret was that the family had grown and that she still cooked the same vast amounts but I didn't tell her that otherwise, she'd bring even more the next time. Instead, I just took her by the arm, assured her that no one had left the table hungry, and the reason that nearly everything was gone was because her lasagna was particularly great today. She gave me a bear hug, pecked my cheek and declared, “Always my little ray of Sunshine. He doesn't look a year older since the day we first met.“
“Oh, come on, Deb,” Brian interjected with an evil grin. “Little Sunshine is almost thirty now.”
“Twenty-eight!“ I disagreed and my partner cracked up.
“You know I just kept you all these years to be able to say that back to you.”
I stuck out my tongue and mouthed, “Asshole.”
“Is Daddy mean to you Justin?” Gus wanted to know. I know it's such a stupid thing to say but he was so big already and he looked just like Brian.
“No, Sonny boy, Justin always makes fun of my age.”
Brian kept a straight face while he talked to his son. “Youngsters these days are so disrespectful.”
“You're kidding, Dad. Besides, Justin is always nice.”
“Oh, really? You should see him when he...”
“Shut up, Brian, or I'll announce your fortieth birthday in Pittsburgh Out.”
“See, Gus? He's evil,” Brian winked at him.
“Don't you manipulate my loaner son,” I said as I threw an arm around Gus, who squeaked with laughter. Next year, he would be almost twelve and maybe not so easy to handle.
“Don't you want kids of your own, Justin?” Gus asked suddenly.
September 2000
It was a hot summer day and the only way you could stand the heat was sitting at the pool edge, feet in the water. We just chilled and shared a secret cigarette. Life felt good today, easy. The last time we sat here, Daphne had told me how to seduce Brian the way she went for that Billy Hauser guy. Make him jealous; show him he's not the only one who can score. In fact, I was still surprised about the overwhelming success of my performance and the situation in itself had been pretty hot too. I had never imagined how much it would turn me on to have the attention of so many men. Then I got the single minded attention of one special man which had turned me on even more. It felt a bit like I had accidentally hit the jackpot.
“How was your second night then?” Daphne asked in an exasperated voice.
“Oh Daphne, it was so hot. This time I knew so much more about his body and about mine, so I was much more active this time.” Among other things, I had given him a blowjob and I could tell by his reaction that he was pretty impressed.
“Did you fuck him?”
“No! God, no! I don’t think he would ever let me do that.” I shook my head and fumbled for the sun block I had sat down close to me. Daphne didn't really need much of it, but my skin burned as quickly as Debbie could say “Sunshine” to me.
“But don't you want to fuck him?” Daphne inquired.
“I'd like to know how it is to be...on the other end.” I carefully applied the lotion. Touching my own skin made me involuntarily think about the sensual pleasure of being touched by Brian...and about touching him.
Daphne shook me and almost threw me into the water.
“Hey...Earth to Justin! What are thinking about?”, she giggled.
“Fucking him...it would be hot.”
“Ask him. If he really loves you...”
“I don't think he loves me, Daph. It's more like a physical thing. Besides, he still fucks around. And so do I.”
“What? You fucked around on him? When?”
“My mom took me to that museum after school. There was this guy; tall, blonde, curly hair and a little goatee. We went to the restrooms and...”
“You fucked in a restroom while your mother was waiting for you? In a museum? I can't believe it!” Daphne screamed so loud that I was afraid her parents might hear us.
“Shhhh…there might be some of the neighbors in their yards . Or your parents,” I continued in a more quiet voice. “We didn't exactly fuck, we just made out. And he gave me a blowjob.”
She looked at me with concern. “But, Justin, you need to be safe.”
“I was. It's practically impossible to get HIV by blowing someone or getting a blowjob, so there's no need to use a condom. Brian always uses one when he fucks me.”
“But what if the condom breaks?”
“Well, I guess it won't happen so easily if you're experienced. However, there's a post exposure treatment if something like that happens – didn't you pay attention at school? “
“Guess I was more attentive when they presented all those different kinds of contraceptives. Or that gross movie about a mother giving birth. Ewww,” she grimaced. “At least you don't have to worry about getting pregnant.”
“After all, Brian has a kid.”
“Yes, right, you told me. That must have been exciting.”
“The whole night was.” I must have had that faraway smile in my face again because Daphne nudged me again. “I had always imagined that I would have at least one kid. I never really imagined myself with a wife, though.”
“Not even me?” she joked.
“Ewww, Daphne! That's incest! You are practically a sister to me.”
“Thank you very much for not seeing me as a sexual being.”
“Oh come on, Daphne, you're beautiful. If I wasn't gay, I would totally adore you...I mean, I do, but...”
“Yeah, I know. Save it. I don't want kids anyway. I want a career.”
“You could try to have both.”
“Yes, but then my husband wants a career too and the child is with me, no matter what I want.”
“I thought you didn't want to get married.”
“I don't. Well, maybe when I am forty or so. Besides, if you really want a child, you could adopt one. The world is full of homeless kids.”
“It's not that easy for gays to be accepted as adoptive parents. And I know that it sounds egotistical but if I have children, I'd like to have my own.”
“It will get easier, you'll see. And maybe there will be new technologies,” Daphne tried to encourage me.
“So that I could get pregnant myself or what? That's gross.”
“Men will never get pregnant, they’d complain way too much. That's a given. I do imagine what your and Brian's child would look like.”
“You're such a freak, Daphne.”
I shoved her into the pool – again. I didn't give our banter much thought for a long time.
March 2001
“So, how was it?” Brian asked.
“What?”
“Didn't you fuck her after all?”
“Oh yeah, that. It was...um...interesting.”
“Interesting? Not disgusting?”
“No, it was Daphne. Why should it be disgusting? It was a hole after all, and it was well lubed up so I just carefully slipped my dick into her and that was it.”
“That was it? Daphne must have been over the moon after two minutes of fucking,” Brian snarked.
I kicked his leg under the blanket.
“That's so not true, you asshole. She said that she enjoyed it. And I lasted longer than two minutes.”
“Not when I fuck you. But I guess she wasn't such an erotic sight.”
“Brian!”
“Well, I'll have to fuck you very thoroughly tonight to make sure that you don't become heterosexual.”
“Oh, it’s that easy? We should tell my father. He'd like to have the recipe to cure his son.”
No matter how hard I tried to joke about it, it still hurt. Brian kneaded my shoulders and placed a small kiss between them.
“I never really understood how he let you play with Daphne all the time and didn’t realize that you were gay.”
He kissed my shoulder blade and began to work his way lower.
“My mother wasn’t happy about it.. She wanted me have other friends, too. Male friends, maybe.”
“She didn't know that the male friends meant even more trouble for her little Sunshine. Now she knows.”
“Hmmmmmm…Ooooooh, Brian. Please,” I was too incoherent at that point to answer because Brian had focused on circling his tongue dangerously close to my ass.
“Is that what you were thinking about while you fucked Daphne? “ he breathed against my heated skin. In fact, it had helped a bit to fantasize about Brian rimming me because it always gets me off. Most of my fantasies were not very elaborate. I just thought about him rimming me, fingering me, fucking me, restraining me and pushing an insanely big dildo into my ass and that was it. But still, nothing was as good as the real thing.
“Aaaaah. There. Please, Brian.”
“Relax, Sunshine. I'm going to make you feel good.”
“You already do,” I sighed. “Please.”
“Please what?” Brian said with an amused tone of voice.
“Please fuck me already.”
“I thought you'd never ask.”
Afterward, as we were lying there, boneless, arms and legs entangled, sweaty and sticky, I was about to doze off when I heard his voice again, “I hope you were safe.”
“I mean I don't want to have another brat. Two are more than enough to handle.”
It took me a second to remember what exactly Brian talked about. Then, I really had to laugh at that remark. “Two? God, Brian, that's about the sweetest thing you ever said to me.”
“Don't get used to it.”
April 2002
“Oh, I would love to have kids with you. Some blonde little genius I could teach how to play the violin, “ Ethan told me after we came home from the weird anniversary party at the lesbians' house.
“Or how to draw,” I interjected.
Actually, I never wanted to be a parent who sees his kid as a “little genius” but Ethan's enthusiasm was somewhat infectious. Aside from that, I could use something to cheer me up after that horrible afternoon so I was happy to listen to Ethan's optimistic words.
“Maybe you could ask Daphne to carry a child for us when we have enough money to afford it.”
“Daphne?”
“Why not? We could give her a sample of our sperm, mix it together and see whose hit the jackpot first.”
“You mean like a human surprise egg?” I asked incredulously.
“Don't be a spoilsport. Just dream a little, it doesn't cost anything.” He leaned in and gave me a smoochy kiss. “Or we can find a nice lesbian couple like Mel and Linds and raise him all together.”
“Him?”
“Or her. Come on, Justin, forget about this afternoon. Don't waste your time thinking about Brian anymore.”
Unfortunately, I couldn't do him this favor. It wasn't for a lack of imagination that I couldn't really picture me and Ethan together along with a kid. There was something else that was wrong in the picture. But at the time, I just played along and gave him some fake sunshine smile to make him happy.
February 2004
“You're sure it's okay if we go to the zoo today? I could call Mel and Linds...”
“I told you I'm fine,” Brian interrupted me sharply.
“I know you are. Just put on that hat and a scarf this time. Your immune system is still weak and you can
easily catch a cold.”
Great, that sounded exactly the way I didn't want it to sound.
“Justin! The next time you treat me like I am the patient and you are my nurse I'm going to kill you, slowly and painfully. Have I made myself clear?”
“Sure.”
I had to agree with him that I've been in overprotective mode these last weeks. He had felt really shitty but there was no need to treat him like a child or a patient, which was fucking amazing because he really seemed to be back with a vengeance. He had made some resolutions; being a better father and somewhat acknowledging me as his life partner even if he wouldn't call me that. The thing is if I was honest with myself, there was a part of me that would really miss the sick Brian. Not his moods, of course. I would miss being able to take care of him. It felt good to be the one in control for once and it wasn't just about that. It was about trust. He had trusted me with his life and I would always treasure the experience, even if I'd be grateful if it never happened again that way. It was my worst fear these days, for him to get sick again. I was fucking terrified.
A day at the zoo with Gus was something we had both been looking forward to for weeks now. Cynthia, Ted and I religiously supervised Brian's work schedule to make sure that he took a day off at least once a week as long as he was still in recovery. He would have killed us if he had known that Cynthia sometimes rescheduled his appointments with important customers but I'm absolutely sure that it didn't do any damage to Kinnetik to have a CEO who kept his strength.
“What are you brooding over, mother hen?” Brian teased me as we rode in the Corvette and then laid his hand on my thigh. Oh, and that. I had missed that. That he always wanted me. No, it wasn't all about sex but it had been our language, our special connection for so long.
I flashed him my trademark Sunshine smile. “Nothing. I'm really happy that you're so much better now.”
“You didn't want to mention it anymore twat,” Brian said but I couldn't hear any reproach in his voice. He just took my hand, the crippled one, and massaged it for a minute while he was driving.
The radio played the Faith No More version of “Easy”. Brian, of course, preferred Lionel Richie's version but he liked that one, too. "That's why I'm easy like Sunday morning“...the lyrics were about leaving but also about a new start. It was such a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning and for the first time since Brian's radiation treatments it felt exactly that way. Full of promises and the laughter of a child.
July 2005
"What would it take for you to admit that you love your son? Another bomb?“
Brian rolled in his lower lip. "I'm gonna take a shower.“
Typical Brian. I knew that he had listened to me and that he just had to process what I had said.
And honestly, so did I. My life was a fucking rollercoaster! Okay, so what else was new but this time it was the one with loops and special effects. All my dreams had come true or so it had seemed. Finally Brian had given in to what I always wanted. To build a home with me, maybe even a family because after all the house was big enough. Still, I was insecure and unsure about what he really wanted. He is such a all or nothing kind of man. I would have been perfectly happy with just being a real, acknowledged couple for a while. Maybe being monogamous, maybe not . But on the other hand I was so fucking happy that Brian Kinney would marry ME -me, the little twink who wouldn't give up that I wasn’t sure what to think. All I know is that I was on a serious Brian Kinney high.
Gus and JR stayed a lot with us or with Michael and Ben during the girls' preparations for moving to Canada.
"Jussin?“ Gus asked while I pushed him on the swing. „More! Higher!“he demanded before the swing even swung back. I happily complied.
"Like that?“
"Woo-hoo,“ Gus giggled.
"Jussin?“ he asked again.
"Yes, Gus?“
"Will you come visit me in Toronno?“
"It's Toronto,“ I corrected him.
"Why wouldn't I, Gus? You’ll see, I‘ll visit you and JR. Your new house will even have a bigger yard where we can play together. And in summer, you can come to our house. It will be great.“ I assured him.
Gus climbed from the swing and I saw tears rolling down his face. "I don't want to leave. I wanna be with you and with Daddy and Grammar Deb.“ He always pronounced Grandma Deb like "grammar“ which made me smile a little but I also felt crushed because I knew that Brian felt the same about his Sonny Boy. Hell, I didn't want him to leave either. Or Mel and Linds. It was going to be hard because I always knew I could come over to their house and make some doodles of the kids, discuss art with Lindsay or have tea with Mel.
"Gus. Sonny Boy.“ I rarely called him that because it was Brian's name for him but it gets me his attention. I got on my knees before him and caressed his soft hair. It felt like Brian's.
"Listen to me, Gus. Are you listening to me?“
He nodded and sniffled. "Daddy and I will always be there for you, no matter where you are. That'll never change.“
"But if you move in together, you might have kids of your own. Like Ben and Michael have Hunter.“
I smiled at that. "Even if that happens, I promise you, nothing changes. Your dad will always be your dad and I will always be your Justin.“
"Promise? What if my Dada forgets to call? Sometimes he does that now and Momma Mel gets furious.“
"Word of honor. If your dad doesn't call, I will kick his...bottom.“
He leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I love you, Jussin.“
"I love you too, Gus. Now, come on, have you already been on the rope ladder? Or do you prefer the slide?“ I lifted him from the ground and whirled him around a bit until he had forgotten about the move and laughed happily.
Later that night when Brian and I were driving home after we had dropped off the kids at Michael and Ben's place, we were both lost in our own thoughts.
Then I asked. "Have you ever considered that Britin might be a little too big for just the two of us?“
Brian slowed down the 'vette and turned to look at me for a second. "What are you talking about, Sunshine? Want a roommate?“
"No. I just thought that...you're such a great dad, and maybe someday...you and I...“ I stammered.
"You would definitely be a great dad. I wouldn’t deprive you of that. In fact, you're always free to leave. No locks on the doors.“
I rolled my eyes. Now that was the Brian I knew and loved all over again.
"Forget it. I won't leave now that you have finally agreed to marry me,“ as I tried to lighten the mood. „I will own a house and half of Kinnetik.“
"I knew that this was just about my money.“
"Plus, you're a damn good fuck. I guess I'll keep you around as long as you can get it up,“ I teased.
"Twat!“ He playfully slapped the back of my head.
"Careful. Look at the road,“ I squealed.
It didn't take long for the damn roller coaster to make another loopiand spit me out at a shitty apartment in Chelsea. All on my own and far, far away from thinking about raising a family or anything else for quite a while.
Not until I came back home.
Present
September/ October 2011
“Don't you want kids of your own, Justin?”
I hesitated and Brian looked as if he was suddenly very interested in Mikey's vintage comic books.
“I like kids. But I'm lucky; there are always kids around me. I’m watching you and JR grow up and I will be the godfather of Daphne's child. My sister, Molly, might have children when she's older,” I explained.
“That's not really an answer to my question,“ Gus stated matter-of-factly.
“It's just not that simple Gus. Do you know why that is?”
“Sure. My mommas needed Dada's and Mikey's sperm to get pregnant. But men can't get pregnant. Maybe you should ask the mommas? It would be awesome if your kid would be my brother or sister.”
„Um. Actually, I...“, I began.
“Gus. Sonny Boy,” Brian intervened. “I don't think that would be such a good idea.”
Gus was a bit intimidated by Brian‘s slightly authoritarian tone that said „we don't want to discuss this any further.“ I'm sure Brian just wanted to “save me” the annoying questions from his son but I didn't mind as much as he thought.
Debbie clapped her hands together and yelled excitedly, “Attention, everyone. My son has something to say.”
Everyone else applauded and Gus took his little sister by the hand, “Come on, JR, let's play outside.”
“Careful, Gus, don't let her go out on the street, “ Lindsay called after the two children.
“Sure, Mom.”
Mikey's ramblings about the newest gay comic books inspired by Rage bored me to death. After his speech, we toasted to his success. Brian then suggested going home and fucking to which, of course I agreed.
The incident at the party was hardly worth mentioning but we didn't know then that the next weeks would be all about babies and pregnancy. Daphne was brought to the hospital with false labor and it turned out that she had to stay in bed until the baby was born. Unfortunately, Erik was visiting his father in Sweden and Daphne was alone at their house. He would have come back on the next flight but the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull didn't make it so easy. It disrupted air travel in northwest Europe for more than a week, and even after that it took a while before travel was back to normal.
“You can stay with us at Britin until the baby’s birth,” I offered without thinking. Brian was a bit pissed that I didn't talk to him before I said something but I knew that he loved Daphne almost as much as me so he would get over it.
“Fine, Sunshine. I'll be at Kinnetik most of time anyway,” he shrugged and made a brief remark about her water breaking on his expensive sheets but that was all.
On a mild day in October 2011, Mia Justine Chanders-Steenkvist was born. She was blonde and gorgeous, like her father but she had Daphne's nose.
"Are you sure she isn't yours, Sunshine?“ Brian joked when we drove home from the hospital.
"If she was, her delivery would be ten years too late. Did you seen those tiny little fingers?“ I couldn't help but chatter because I was so excited about Daphne's kid. I had always imagined it to be that way. That I could see her child grow up and be a part of it.
"Yeah. “ Brian wasn't very talkative.
"I know you saw Gus after he was born.“
Brian shrugged. "So did you."
"What's wrong? Tell me.“
"Nothing.“
"Yeah, right.“
Later after we had watched the latest episode of "True Blood“ together, it was the only series we both liked, he switched off the TV and regarded me intently.
"What?“
"I was about your age when I agreed to give Lindsay my sperm,“ he said.
"You never told how she convinced you,“ I grinned.
"It's a long story. The blonde played dirty.“
"We sometimes have to, to get what we want.“ I winked and laughed.
"I never regretted it.“
"I know. But what if I would want to be involved? An active father.“
"Like Michael?“
"Maybe even more than Michael.“
Brian raised an eyebrow. "When?“
"Not today. Not even tomorrow. In two or three years, maybe.“
"Good. I'd like to fuck you first.“
"That's a damn good idea. Those vampires always get me horny.“
"You're always horny.“
"Any complaints?“
"I'd complain if you weren't.“ Even after all these years, he could just look at me that way and I would get hard.
I quickly took off my clothes and ran into the bedroom, while he playfully ran after me.
I wiggled my ass. "You won't get me.“
He grabbed me and shoved me onto the bed. "I always get you. Little twat.“ He nibbled my ear and licked the most sensitive part of my neck, making me moan.
"Mmmmmh. Fuck me,“ I demanded.
"Not yet.“ He caressed my back and then turned me over and took me into his mouth. "You've got the most beautiful cock.“, he murmured, touching and licking all the sensitive parts, fingering my ass at the same time.
"Apart from yours.“, I muttered.
He grinned, as far as this was possible with a cock in his mouth. I laughed, but then he concentrated on giving me one of his best blowjobs ever and I couldn't laugh or think anymore. I just let myself go and complained a bit when he stopped, but only until he rolled me over, grabbed a condom from the nightstand and slid into me. The next conscious thought I had was all about sticky warmth, happiness and that I never ever wanted to leave this bed again.
"Please don't go.“, I whispered.
"I won't go anywhere, Sunshine,“ Brian answered and wrapped his body around me like a blanket.
"Promise you won't make me go either?“ I had made him promise not to push me away anymore when I came back from New York but old habits die hard.
"Nah. You're a convenient fuck. I kinda like having you around.“ He kissed my neck again. It tickled a bit.
"Why thanks, Mr Kinney. Always the romantic,“ I teased back. As I began to doze off I thought to myself again how far we had come. If having a child was something I really decided I wanted we would figure it out – together. I fell asleep with a very big smile on my face, surrounded by the warmth that was Brian.