sanami276 (ohfreckle) wrote in qaf_giftxchnge, @ 2008-12-27 15:10:00 |
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Entry tags: | december 2008 |
To: flamencanyc
From: pinkfriction
Title: Close your eyes
Gift Request: B/J fic, S1 is good, relationship is main thing
Rating: PG-13 (just for language)
Summary: Brian tells Justin that he only ever wanted his Dad to be proud. Set during 115. Brian's POV.
A/N: I tried to do something more, but my muse was against me. There is another fic on the go that I will post for you sometime in the New Year. I hope you like this.
Many many thanks to my darling kata_ny for her help.
You promised yourself that you would never be like him. But you already are, aren't you? Leaving your son with someone barely more than a child himself, while you go out to get drunk and pick up tricks. Is that any better than your Father taking the grocery money and using it to buy flowers to try to show yet another cheap whore what a catch he is? You love Gus, but he reminds you of your own mortality. It would be better to burn out than fade away like Jack the sad old fucker.
They are right, they are all right. You don't care about anyone but yourself. Why should you, no-one has ever really cared about you. Oh, Michael hero worships you, and will do to the day he dies; and Lindsay, for some fucked up reasons of her own, thinks that you have a heart somewhere deep inside and just need to be shown how to love. Yeah, right. They think they know, Deb is the only one who has ever gotten close to the truth. You only care about yourself because then only you can hurt you.
You let Justin stick around because it's less hassle than trying to get rid of him. Besides, it's kind of nice to have someone that young and insatiable catering to your every whim. He's like you in a lot of ways, but without the cynical streak. Craig reminds you of Jack too. You wonder how Justin can be so sure that there is someone out there who loves him. Or why he seems to be under the apprehension that it is you.
You catch yourself watching him sleep, and feel something you don't quite know how to describe. He breathes in deeply and you watch the rise and fall of his chest. You tell yourself again that he is only in your bed because of the sex. That and it pleases you to see his Father so pissed off at the thought of him fucking another man. You gently pull the cover over him. You don't want the little fuck getting a cold and whining at you.
You find yourself speaking to him when you are sure he can't hear you. Telling him about the things Jack did to you. The beatings, though they weren't the worst of it. What was worst was the looks of disappointment. You tried so hard to please him, but he never once let you know that he was proud of you.
Justin murmurs slightly, and you fall silent. Someday, you might tell him these things again, but for now you climb into the bed beside him, turn over and close your eyes.