The 37 Days Of Gusmas
Title: Reflections Author: vl_redreign Prompt: Christmas Eve
Notes: I wanted to post early tonight, I got things to do! So I leave you with Brian angsting. Because, you know, that's what he does.
Have a wonderful evening, flist!
I
I kiss the back of Justin’s neck and get out of bed. I throw my robe on and make my way downstairs. I check the front door one last time; habit. As I pass the kitchen, I notice that the light is on over the stove and leave it on, in case Linds or Mel need to come down for something.
I wander through the living room and over to the sliding glass door that opens into the sunroom. While the kids are here, this is my designated smoking area. I light up and wonder what the fuck I’m doing.
II
It’s cold tonight, and snowing again. Not too heavy, thank God. The guy bringing the pony has a snowplow; he says that I’m welcome to borrow it any time. I’m thinking of paying him back by having the art department do posters for him next year.
This domesticity is making my brain hurt.
I got this house set up and decorated for Justin, and Gus. If it were up to me, I’d be at the loft, and happy about it. But no, I go all out, with presents and family and –
My skin is beginning to crawl. What the fuck?
III
I look into Gus’s room. He’s sprawled almost sideways in the bed, covers at his feet. I go in and pull them up. He’s growing so fast. He looks more like Brian every day. Huge eyes with long lashes, and he bites his lip in that same adorable way that Brian does. I go downstairs to get a glass of water. Once there, I change my mind and decide on tea.
I stare out the window while I wait, and think about the change I see in Brian. He’s calmer now, confident in a way that I’ve never seen.
IV
I grab my tea and turn to go, when I see a glow from the living room. The glow of a cigarette. Brian.
“Hey,” I whisper, going out to sit down.
“Gus okay?”
“He’s out. Hard work, waiting for Santa.”
“Yeah.” He takes another drag, then butts it.
“It’s okay, you know.”
“What is?”
“Growing up. It hurts a bit, but I promise it’s okay.” I touch his hand. “Your son thinks you hung the moon, and Justin…he hasn’t stopped smiling since we got here. You did that.” I pause. “You realized that it’s okay to want something, something real. Permanent.”
V
Lindsay finally stopped her psychobabble and left me alone. I hate it when people shrink me. Ted does it all the time. Fucker is right about half of that.
I stand and light another cigarette, and think about Jack. When I was a kid, I remember him taking me outside and holding onto the two wheeler he’d bought me for Christmas. I wobbled and fell over into the snow. He laughed, brushed me off, and put me back on it. I realized that it was the one thing he taught me that stuck. You fall down, you get back up.
VI
I roll over into a cold spot. That wakes me up. Brian’s not here, which means he’s off, brooding. I get up, pull on my sweats and head for the sunroom.
Just as I thought, he’s there, smoking, staring at the back forty. In the few seconds before he sees me, I think of how beautiful he is, what a good man he is. He’ll never believe it, of course. Brian measures success in profit and loss. He doesn’t get it that it’s not about money. It’s about how fucking good he is at what he does. And he is.
VII
“Hey.”
“Hey.” I go over and plop down on his lap. “Walls closing in?”
He laughed. “What is this, A Christmas Carol? Lindsay was just down here. Now you.”
“Look, you didn’t have to do all this. Not that I don’t appreciate it, but…I’d have been happy at the loft, as long as I was with you. But it’s nice, having this big place with all our family here.” I kiss him. “You know you only do what you want to do. You wanted us here, and you made it happen. But don’t worry, I won’t tell.”
“You’d better not.”
VII
I kiss him next to the tree. The lights flash off his pale skin. His hair is shaggy again, and I love that. I love that he’s here.
He must know what I’m thinking, because he smiles, that smile that makes my dick hurt and my stomach flutter. He said I did this because I wanted to. He’s right, but I also did it to see that smile. To see Gus’s eyes light up.