not a pity fuck.
Normally, Noah didn't dream very often. When he did, they were incongruous and out of sync; a cacophony of mixed up elements that were either gray or viciously bright and very stupid. The inconsistency of them was welcomed, but it was because of this that every nightmare ended with him waking up and crying.
This nightmare was no different.
When he woke, Aubrey was nowhere to be found. It was all the encouragement he needed to hike his knees to his chest, rub the sleep from his face, and stifle a loud sob behind one hand.
There was one cell in all of Castile that Julian knew he could invite himself to. And in that cell, there was one bunk where he felt truly welcome. After his odd exchange with Niran, that was where he was headed.
Half way up to the top bunk, he paused and looked hard at Noah. The actor could have thought of something to say, but didn't. He just pulled up next to the boy and took him in his arms.
Rather than tensing up, Noah melted into the embrace easily, not quite woken up enough to wrap his own arms around Julian's middle. Mind still racing and body still trembling, he cried into that offered shoulder, shamelessly and without restraint.
A tighter grip. "Oh, Noah.. What's wrong?"
What he was given in the place of words was a sob, loud and muffled. And then, a shake of the head, as if to say I can't tell you.
Julian kissed his hair, and his forehead, and his cheeks, and his eyelids, and pulled him as close as he could.
"It's okay. You're okay," he said, sounding sure.
"I'm... s-sorry." It was all that Noah could bite out through the tears, his voice stuttering horribly.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." The words came effortlessly. "Why are you apologizing?"
The shaking boy in his arms shook his head again. "I don't... I don't kn-know. I just..." And he trailed off, unable to continue.
Most people, Julian would force some sort of answer from - but Noah wasn't most people. So he waited patiently, the boy held tight in his arms. He would kiss him, occasionally, enjoying the scent of him and wishing there was more he could do than wait for Noah to gain some semblance of coherence.
And he would stroke his hair, and whisper to him, and hope he was doing anything at all.
Somehow, it was enough to soothe Noah into a state of numbness as he finally looped his arms around Julian, actually able to find the strength to squeeze this time.
"Just a bad dream... it's..." A fresh wave of silent tears fell. "... fine..." His voice cracked.
"You don't seem fine..." It was a quiet little musing. Holding Noah while he cried had somehow proved relaxing.
This silenced the inmate tucked against his chest. He drew in a shuddery breath, arranging his arms and chin more comfortably on Julian.
"It's funny, how... when you're closer to me than you'll ever be, I miss you the most. When I can just step out and come see you... I can still manage to miss having you here."
It had nothing to do with the nightmare, but while he was crying, he felt it appropriate to voice all his insecurities.
Julian shook his head.
"It's not funny. At all. I'm constantly terrified, now that you're here... That something will happen, and you'll be taken away from me, and it'll be just like before. But worse, because I won't have the buffer of shock. So, I always miss you. When I say goodbye to you for the day, I know someday one of us won't come back tomorrow."
It wasn't reassuring, but it was true.
When Noah inhale sharply, his lips grazed the actor's neck. "Don't say that. Just..." A softened tone, all anguish and denial and defeat. "... please."
A quiet nod, and Julian digressed into the language he knew best. The vocabulary of the senses, of the physical. He spoke in kisses and caresses that made a slow slope downward across Noah's hip bones. It was just like old times.
The newfound physicality of the situation was all that Noah needed: a sense of protection, a reassurance that no matter how often he drowned, there would be someone there to yank him out of the water. Being in prison often took this comfort from him, so he gave Julian his all and more, body pliant in his hold and kisses almost tragic.
"I love you so much," he whispered into Noah's ear - a gift and a secret.
And the brunet held onto him, not quite clinging. "I love you more." It was whispered back brokenly, pathetically.
Julian held himself above the boy, looking down into his eyes and forgetting how to react to affection reciprocated. It had been so, so long. He placed one hand on Noah's face, overwhelmed.
"That's not possible," he said, not seeming trite in the least.
"Why not?" Memories of earlier tears strayed in Noah's lashes, and when he blinked, he felt wetness against his cheekbones.
The actor just shook his head, a little of his weight falling onto Noah. It wasn't much.
"...it's just not. I love you too much for that to be the case."
There was no possible response that could be given, and Noah went quiet once again, sniffling through the silence. He turned his head in the other direction, knowing that another wave of tears was on its way, and that he probably wouldn't be able to stop it.
True to form, Julian forced the boy to face him, but softened the blow of exposure with a kiss and kind words.
"It's okay, Noah. You don't have to hide."
Exhaling shakily, Noah glanced up at him with watering eyes, oblivious to the tear that skirted down the side of his face. "But it's so much easier to," he managed past the tremble in his voice.
"I know," a whisper, into the shell of an ear. "But you don't need to. Not right now."
Those words only managed to provoke more tears, and eventually the contortion of Noah's face as he succumbed to them all over again. It was a neverending process, and he felt utterly stupid for it, so he smashed the heel of one hand against an eye.
"Okay." He tried not to sound too unhappy.
Julian caught that hand and pulled it away, as careful as could be.
"Noah... You really don't have to put on a smile for me. I promise."
The younger inmate was silent as he took in those words, gaze dropping once more to the curve of Julian's shoulder. He was a little conflicted about what to do next, so he lay there beneath the actor, quiet and contemplative, and without the energy to wipe his face dry.
Julian settled, half his body atop Noah, legs tangled, faces close.
"Now will you tell me what happened?"
His question only seemed to upset Noah more, but the boy swallowed his apprehension, eyes flitting everywhere except Julian's curious eyes. In his mouth, his tongue felt like lead.
"I dreamt about... her," he admitted quietly, like a secret he didn't want anyone else to hear. "And I... haven't before. But then I saw her in my dream, and I talked to her, and it was her voice..." Words clogged up in his throat, and he just couldn't seem to stop crying.
"I kept trying to tell her she was dead, but she wouldn't believe me, and then she got all distorted and weird and--" As the pace of his words picked up, so did his heart. "Then I couldn't... talk to her anymore, and she was talking at me but I couldn't answer back, and I thought about telling her I was sorry but I couldn't open my mouth, and I just..."
Noah wasn't even sure he was making sense anymore.
"Am I trash, Julian? For killing her? Because I feel like it. I feel like... I could just die," he whispered, voice cracking.
Julian stroked the boy's face.
"Don't do that. It was an accident - there's no need for you to feel such guilt." He paused, trying to think of a way to get his point across, and settling on desperate words. "Please don't die."
Chest shuddering, the brunet unconsciously leaned into the touch. "Sometimes I want to." He closed his eyes in an attempt to block out the light and invading tears.
A long silence.
"Please, don't..."
One hand came up to run through Julian's hair, to brush over his temple and then across his cheekbone. The other came up to frame his face. "I'm sorry." It was barely over a whisper, but it wasn't clear who or what the apology was for. "I'm so sorry."
Noah's words made Julian feel so unsure, and it was illustrated plainly across his face.
"What? What are you planning..."
Confusion creeped onto the younger boy's features. "... what're you talking about?"
The actor's eyes became evasive. "You sound like you're apologizing for something that hasn't happened yet."
An honest perplexion glanced back at him, trying to meet his eyes. "Like what? Suicide?" Noah leaned back against his pillow. ".. You think I want to kill myself?"
Julian hid his face, shocked by Noah's bluntness.
"...Do you?" He asked, praying the answer would be no.
Noah inhaled sharply and directed his stare up at the ceiling. ".. The day I killed Megan, I considered it. I almost tried it. And sitting on that kitchen floor, I just... I thought about how I had nothing and no one left, and that I basically had nothing to lose." He slipped his arms around Julian's back.
"... but I do. I have so much to lose." His grip tightened. "And now that I have you again, I have even more."
"Thank you..." a sigh of relief. "Don't scare me like that."
A sniffle, leftover from tears gone dry. "... sorry. I didn't mean to."
"It's okay," said the actor. "Just try to rest." It was a prudent bit of advice.
Stiffening, Noah resumed watching the ceiling. ".. do I have to?"
Julian looked up to try to read Noah's expression. "No... What would you like to do?" For once he didn't provide the answer in physicality.
He shook his head. "Anything but go back to sleep." Wet lashes brushes against his hand when he draped it over both eyes. "I don't want to go back."
"Okay," Julian consented, for once beginning the pursuit of physical bliss by following his heart, rather than his baser impulses or misguided logic. Hovering over the boy, he gave him kisses down the neck and across the collarbone, undoing buttons as needed.
The contact was encouraged as Noah instinctively arched up into his touches, craving this so badly that it startled him.
And in the end, no matter what horrors could be awaiting him here in the real world, he much preferred being here and with Julian than in a dream world without him.