Hugo's heart soared and plummeted in quick succession, but he didn't move save to clutch the pillow tighter. Impossible as it seemed, fresh tears clawed their way up his throat, pushed out by the hard sobs that made his shoulders quake. He was disgusting; slick and sticky with sweat that he was pouring into Scorpius's pillow as much as the mattress. He stank... It was such a simple thing with such an easy remedy, but Hugo was rooted to the bed as much by his shame as he was by everything else. And yet for all that, he didn't want Scorpius to stop. If anything, he wanted more; to be closer, held as tightly as he'd ever been held before, to feel Scorpius's arms around him and his chest against Hugo's cheek, his heart beating in his ear.
Scorpius was here, pretending that everything was alright, that he didn't know how pathetic Hugo was, how broken and useless, letting Hugo pretend that this was just the lazy day he'd requested. That Scorpius said that he'd rather not go away finished undoing him completely; what had he ever done to deserve someone who would show him respect when he was so low? Someone who didn't impose his will on him without regard for his wishes? Someone who wanted to be with him, even when he was like this?
Why, why, despite all this, couldn't he feel loved? Why couldn't he feel anything but the pain eating away at his chest?
Even sniffling as fast as he could between sobs, Hugo had completed the trifecta of turning Scorpius's pillow into a disgusting mess; sweat, tears and a runny nose all. It was a stupid thing to think about, but he couldn't help it. Here Scorpius was, being far more than the likes of Hugo would ever deserve, and he was repaying him by treating his pillow like a giant, Scorpius-scented tissue.
"I'm sorry," he began, meaning to apologize for the pillow, but once the words were out, it occurred to him how much more he had to apologize for. "I'm sorry I'm--" There was too much, far too much to apologize for. The words caught in his throat, yet another blockage he'd have to scream to break up. He could never hope to apologize for all of it.
Hugo reached up blindly to hold the hand in his hair closer. From somewhere, he found enough breath to beg, "Please. Don't leave."