Hello to all, our adoring fans and readers alike! Here at Lia's Tales, we'd like to profusely apologize for lapses between issues, but with the current state of things, we're running on a ridiculously reduced amount of supplies and resources.
But never fear, issue number three is here! Buckle in and enjoy the ride, you're in for some astounding and astronomical entries and accounts in this edition of Lia's Tantalizing Tales of Truths!
Page 3
Seriously Witch Weekly, are You Really All that Stupid?
Now, my dear readers, let me preface this paper by saying that we here at Lia's Tales don't appreciate the use of vulgar language or calling anyone out! But seriously, Witch Weekly, could you get some new material? As much as everyone enjoys a scandalous and sultry story, the ridiculous focus primarily on our own beloved and bitchin' Ginny Weasley is just ridiculous.
Look around you! You're missing out on so much more with this ridiculous infatuation! BUT, dearest fans, we here have quite the theory about the obsessive objectification of such a outstanding individual. Our super sleuths who are working on scant hours of sleep to bring you such a sassy story report that whoever the source for Witch Weekly is, has a ridiculously radical crush on this gorgeous redhead. Why else would they continuously discredit and reprimand such a kind and caring individual? There are plenty of more scandals to fixate on, so why Ginny? Well, we all know she's gorgeous and great, and intelligent and original, but what really makes Ginny Weasley the sole focus of such a magazine?
Let me tell you readers, it's because they have nothing else to go on! They're sources are drying up! Their touch is lost! Their writers and contributors are leaving, nay, running rampantly, for much more fulfilling careers. It's a sad and sorry day to watch such a magazine go belly up, but we here and Lia's Tales would like to extend the offer of employment to all individuals running in the opposite direction from such a dismaying disaster.
And why exactly is such a magazine failing and flunking so fantastically fast? That's easy! Our super secret undercover spies have uncovered the real reason behind the dreadfully declining material of Witch Weekly. We here have heard and happened upon the hefty information that the editor and chief of this magazine is none other... are you ready for this?
Are you SURE you're ready?
NONE OTHER THAN A PIECE OF MOLDY CHEESE! That's right, readers. This was the most difficult and dangerous piece of information we could bring you, but the head of Witch Weekly is none other than Chuck the Moldy Headcheese. And while our super spies tried to gain a sample to test the exact makeup and content of such a strange and dissatisfying substance, we were unable to obtain the operational pattern behind such a creation. But what our top speculators have supplied to us suggests that Chuck was created quite casually during a freak potions explosion in which the chief potioneer was eating his day old lunch of grilled cheese and tomato soup and somehow, the interaction on a molecular level created this benevolent being. And what a saddening way to come into this world! First to be consumed, and now to seek out consumers! Such a twist of fate!
Now it is the sole duty of this sickening and smelly creation to wreak havoc on all those around him. We here speculate that Ginny Weasley somehow caught this ridiculously rude reporters attention when she attended a cheese tasting convention about a year ago, and accidentally inhaled and ingested Chuck's Cheddar sweetheart, Claire!
But it was a misunderstanding! A mistake! So please, we beg of thee, please forgive and forget when it comes to your fiance, dear Chuck. Ignorance must be taken into account, and no one likes a grudge holding Gouda!
Page 5
Henry Horseman In Fact, Human, Not of the Half Equine Individual Claimed by Undertrained and Unprofessional Editors
While we here at Lia's Tales don't particularly like pointing out erroneous editing and plotting, we feel that the circumstances behind Parvati Patil's supposed comments regarding her preferences should be addressed.
While we are not ones to judge by any stretch of the imagination, it should be clarified that the supposed comments made by Miss Patil do not, in fact, refer to a half horse, half human individual, but instead an individual of a human persuasion after all. We know, we know, how entirely not scandalous, but it should be known that one particular Henry Horseman is quite the hirsute individual, therefore heading to a bit of careless confusion. At first glance, he may look like a centaur, but instead he has a horrendous hump that is highly horrifying and inappropriate to point out! Do you writers have no shame? No ethical value? How ridiculously rude. No wonder you're all losing your jobs. Your stories are shoddy and your sleuthing is far less than satisfactory.
And in that case, may we make a suggestion? There is currently a school of super sleuthing specialists opening up in the basement of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Go to the dungeons, make 3 lefts, a right, another left, 2 more rights, a U-turn, crawl on the floor like a worm for 2 meters, howl like a werewolf, huff a giant can of paint, do the entire ballet of the nutcracker and then throw your hands in the air like you just don't care, then you'll be right at our front gates! We look forward to seeing you all there!
Page 7
Semi Insane Individual Seeks Solace at Hogwarts. Is He Brain Damaged, or Just Plain Silly?
We here at Lia's Tales have made the executive decision not to comment on the well wishing Witch Weekly writers on the possible baby scandal happening within the Weasley Ranks. And why not? Such a bit of juicy gossip to be had, right? Well, dear readers, it's quite simple. When it comes to the inner workings of such a well known family, the fact remains that something as delicate as a baby bombshell is none of our fucking business. And for those of you who think that it's quite alright to smear and slander a household name, whether truthful or not, have a serious case of egoism that needs to be addressed immediately.
Instead we here at Lia's Tales would like to focus on something else, the arrival of the notorious and nefarious Lucius Malfoy onto our homey and humble Hogwarts grounds. After escaping from Azkaban, the well known inflammatory individual quite suddenly snuck into Quarantine to be reunited with his long lost son. Who wasn't really lost, mind you, he was just in the dungeon. But that's quite alright, after so much imprisonment and interrogation on dear Lucius' end, we can see where the confusion might have come from! But what we really want to know is why the sudden interest in infiltrating our ranks? Well, readers, our sneaky snoops have uncovered quite the scandal, as far as that is concerned. It seems that Lucius is not Lucius at all, but instead a single, confused Clurichaun, far from home.
Now I know your question before you even ask it, dear readers. What exactly is a Clurichuan? Well, let us clarify that. A Clurichuan is the obscure drunken cousin of the Leprechaun! We know, we know, how can someone as tall and tantalizing as Senior Malfoy be such a boisterous and bow legged buffoon? Illusion spells, my dear friends. They do wonders, let me tell you. It took our dedicated detectives days to uncover this twist in the tale!
Stories say that the Clurichuan's primary focus is to protect and preserve the wine cellar and spirits in the house of any individual. And we all know that the dreary dungeons can sometimes be mistaken for a vast expanse of cellar space for wine and spirits! A common mistake, we're sure. But once he arrived, there was no escape, and our Clurichuan is doing his best to maintain his persona in the midst of persecution.
A fair warning though, don't treat your booze with distaste around this curious creature! Clurichuan's have been known to torment and tackle any unknowing individual who takes their liquor treats for granted!
So if you see Mr. Malfoy in the hallways, be kind and courteous. It's not his fault for such a lack of foresight. He was just really, really intoxicated.
A rendering of the true nature of a Clurichuan can be viewed on page 8.