Plagued RPG Moderators (plagued_mods) wrote in plagued_logs, @ 2016-08-18 01:51:00 |
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Entry tags: | !witch weekly, 1999 august |
Hijinks and rumours abound, readers! Pull up a chair, dismiss your children to go and play outside where it’s honestly totally safe, and indulge yourselves. |
pg. 5 We mentioned last week that well loved heroine, Hermione Granger, was trying to push herself to a higher ranking position in order to woo a potential older suitor within the Ministry. Well, Witch Weekly can now officially reveal that, as well as her fancy man, Miss Granger is actually rumoured to be holding a flame for fellow war hero, Neville Longbottom. The two have been firm friends for many years and have known to be close on a personal level. “It didn’t come as a surprise when Hermione admitted she had long had feeling for Neville,” revealed a close friend of the pair. “They have a lot in common and they’ve spent a lot of time together. And he’s very good looking. And so brave. I wish them all the best in the future.” We’ll keep you posted on those romantic developments, readers. Who will Miss Granger choose? Her secret beau, for whom she is risking her pride and integrity in the race for Minister, or long term best friend, humble and handsome Neville Longbottom? “Neville pulled out of the race for Minister because he knew Hermione wanted it more, and that she’d be very good. He knew she was doing it for another man, and it was difficult for him,” their friend sighs wistfully. “But I hope she makes the right decision.” |
pg. 9 Professional sports star Angelina Johnson has said she and Oliver Wood have always been on good terms, despite the latter claiming he hated Johnson in a recent interview, and found her moves ‘flaccid and ungraceful’. Johnson has replied with a statement claiming she and Wood have a healthy, competitive relationship, even though Oliver Wood was ‘a bit of a slut’ back in their school days. Wood has since sworn celibacy, but apparently can’t escape his sordid past. As one of his former lovers, Ms. Johnson is in the right place to comment, but is apparently keeping tight lipped on their ‘steamy and animalistic affair’ back when they were both students at Hogwarts. Perhaps his resentment at losing such a woman is what has spurred on Wood’s less than kind words, and prompted his attempted celibacy. We’ve heard from several sources that it isn’t going too well. A complete list of his recent sexual conquests will be available in the next issue. |
pg. 15 Norman Normally of Normans Nocturnal Necessities has claimed that several boxes of his most potent ‘arousal assistance potion’ have gone missing from his stock room. He suspects foul play and warns everyone of the dangers of leaving food or drink unattended. Anyone experiencing any raised arousal levels should seek assistance from St. Mungos as soon as possible, and try not to act on any carnal desires. |
pg. 25 Witch Weekly is proud to welcome their new Agony Aunt to these humble folds. Wishing to remain anonymous, our new contributor will be known simply as Aunt Michelle. If you have any problems you’d like our Agony Aunt to answer, send us an anonymous owl! |