Pillow Book

Here and here

(Written on a leaflet explaining the library's opening hours and facilities, and tucked in with Sam's laundry.)




Before
I was clinging tightly to Mom's hand;
We picked out some stories together
For her to read to me before bed.
Chose something easy I could read you,
With my mouth pressed close against her bump,
While she stroked my hair and smiled at me.
At the desk, they let me stamp the books,
And I carried them home.


After
Dad was researching, seeking answers.
No books for me now. My words were lost.
You gurgled in my lap, clutching my
Fingers, while I held on tight to you.
Heavy books, no pictures, except ones
That scared me. Title unreadable.
D is for Dean, Mom used to tell me.
But it wasn't my name.


Toddler
At the desk, they let you stamp the books.
You giggled, and smiled at me so wide.
I read to you before bed, but I
Couldn't do it the way that she could -
Couldn't remember the story's end.
You dozed off, curled up close against me.
I snapped off the light and tried my best
To remember it all.


Child
I sent you to the children's section
And checked over my notes - hastily
Scribbled, shaking just like Dad's voice had.
Fumbled through heavy books; difficult
Words, deciphered with dictionaries.
Race against time. You checked out your books
While I ran outside to the pay phone.
Five rings. Ten. No answer.


Pre-teen
You read all the time, disappearing
Into a world I couldn't follow
Except when I read to you at night.
Knew you would soon be too old for that.
After school, tried to do my homework,
Words twisting and blurring as I read.
Librarian asked about my bruise.
Didn't go back again.


Teenager
You liked the research best, liked helping
Though we wouldn't let you near the hunt.
Helping without guns and ugliness,
Glowing when you found the vital link.
You all but lived at the library.
Came to pick you up early one day,
Found you looking through college leaflets.
Backed up, waited outside.


Gone
Out of practice; I had to relearn.
Thought how you would have liked my laptop,
Given it some girly name. Drove through
The night. Found you in the library;
Circles under your eyes. Longed to make
You rest and eat. Slipped away unseen.
Always hated me interrupting
When you were studying.


Back
Made the laptop your own; I didn't
Mind giving it up. Buried yourself
In books, but kept talking to me. Then
Pulled me behind the stacks and kissed me
Senseless, until I stopped complaining.
Never gonna love them like you do.
But I can put up with libraries
If you're there too, Sammy.


Here

Here

(Written in the steam on the bathroom mirror. Invisible until the next morning, when the glass steamed up again when Dean was taking his shower. There's a smudged shape at the end which could be a heart, if that wasn't too unspeakably girly to be true.)




Dean, I - Your voice
Reading bedtime books made them
The safest place I knew.