|phoenixfest (phoenixfest) wrote in phoenix_flies,|
@ 2007-10-10 16:53:00
|Entry tags:||fic: bridgetmkennitt, fic: pg-13, hp/ss, prompt 49, ss/lp|
Fest Fic: Something To Remind Me
Title: Something To Remind Me
Author: Bridget McKennitt bridgetmkennitt
Prompt: "I want a child with you. Why? Because one day you will leave me and I'll be alone."
Pairing: Harry/Snape and Snape/Lily, with minor Harry/Ginny
Word Count: 2857
Warnings (if any): DH spoilers
Author's Notes: Used Rowling's words from the ending scene in Chapter Thirty-Two. What can I say? It sets the tone.
It was on the day before September first when they would travel to Hogwarts for the first time, that Severus proposed his brilliant plan to Lily. They sat under their tree, Lily resting her head on Severus' shoulder, as they watched the sun set over the clouds. "We should get married," he stated.
Lily glanced at her best friend out of the corner of her eye. "Don't you think we're a bit too young for that?" she said with a curl of her lips.
"I don't mean now, but later. Don't you agree?"
Lily chuckled and pressed a kiss against Severus' sallow cheek. "Ask me again when we're older."
Though she did not see it, a faint blush spread across his face and he smiled. Lily was his.
* * *
Snape gazed at the young Potter boy, watching him move through the hall as he waited for his Sorting. When the boy looked up, Snape fought the urge to gasp. He had Lily's green eyes. He wanted to leap over the table and hug the boy, and beg for his forgiveness for his part in his mother's death, but he held himself back from the temptation by clenching the wood of the table until his fingers began to redden and peel.
He would not make a mockery of himself by doing anything to attract such attention to himself.
* * *
Severus turned to look at Lily. It had a week since they last were able to get together, but for him, it was too long of a wait. She looked good and he wanted to lean forward and touch her. Hug her. Smell her hair. Possess her.
"How was your day?" he blurted out as she sat down next to him, mentally bemoaning his choice of words. He should be asking her out on a date like a normal wizard would, not speaking to her in topics they always talked about. How else would she be able to see him as something more than her best friend?
"I should have never taken up Divination. It's such a useless class!" She shrugged her shoulders and rested her head against his chest. He wrapped an arm around her, taking in the pleasure of her warmth. "Good thing you're here. Sometimes I think I'll go stir crazy without you."
He took comfort in her words and closed his eyes imagining that Lily truly belonged to him.
She shifted and Severus opened an eye to look into her green eyes. "What are you thinking about?" she asked.
He smiled and let silence be his response.
* * *
He watched Harry bend his head to read his textbook. This was Lily's child, a part of her that lived on after her death. He could not deny that the boy looked entirely too much like James Potter for comfort, but his appearance could not change the fact that this was Lily's child. He turned away from watching, at the thought that Harry might have been his son if Lily had chosen him.
He was too late for that, any of it. Snape knew very well that from the first moment he'd alienated the young boy, only hatred lurked behind those green eyes for him. Even having this last connection with Lily look to him as some sort of father figure was denied him, and it was because of his idiotic ways. It could have been all his…
Harry leaned over to whisper into a Weasley's ear, and Snape fought back the urge to snap at the boy. Now was not the time to confront anyone, while he was feeling as weak-hearted as he was at the moment. He lifted his own book higher and ignored his class.
* * *
As Lily turned to head back into the Gryffindor Common Room hidden behind the portrait, Severus reached out and grabbed her wrist, stopping her from leaving. Leaving him forever. She glared, a glare near as good as his sullen own, and pulled her wrist out of his grasp. "You had your chance and you lost it."
"Marry me," he blurted out. It was near worthless to propose to Lily at this moment, but this was the only moment he had left.
She sneered and climbed through the portrait hole, silence her only response.
* * *
Harry fell to the floor on his hands and knees as he panted. He looked up to where Snape stood with his wand pointed at him. "You are a failure," Snape hissed. "Just like your pathetic excuse for a father. Now get up and try again."
Harry rose to his feet and gripped his wand. "I'm not a failure and my father was not pathetic."
Snape sneered and turned his back on him. "You are wrong, Mr. Potter, but there is not enough hours in the day to explain to you why this is so. We're done for the night."
Harry gnashed his teeth and blurted out, "You're a sad excuse of a wizard, sir. No wonder no one loves you. I bet you were just as ugly as a kid as you are now and no one even liked you. I'm not the failure. You are. Sir."
Snape did not speak, surprising Harry. He fully expected the man to curse him or drag him to Dumbledore's office, demanding that Harry be expelled. All that Snape did was point at the door and not look at him. Silence was his response.
* * *
It was the wedding day of one Lily Evans to one James Potter, and Severus found himself getting smashingly drunk. He was no longer her best friend, or even an acquaintance, at that, but he had to see her one more time before she became James Potter's wife. This was the last chance he would ever have.
He found her waiting on the balcony in her white wedding gown as she rested her chin on her arms, staring out into the garden where her wedding was to be. Severus knocked against the wood frame of the door and stepped out onto the balcony.
"Lily," he breathed, taking in her beauty. "Lily."
She glanced at him and gasped, straightening. "What are you doing here? You're not allowed!"
Severus' heart started to crack but he held on, trying to stop the inevitable breaking of it. "I know," he whispered. "But I had to see you one last time. Please, Lily, don't do this."
She sneered and even that ugly expression did not detract from the glow surrounding her. "You mean marry the love of my life? I love James Potter and you blew your chance."
His bottom lip trembled and when he reached out to touch her, Lily took a step back. "Don't touch me, Sev. You lost that chance too."
"Lily, you can't marry him," he pleaded, unaware he'd dropped to his knees. "There's so much you don't understand. Don't do this."
"I love him," she repeated. "There's nothing you can say to make me change my mind."
"I want a child with you," Severus blurted out as he clenched his black robes pooled around him.
Her mouth dropped and her green eyes widened. She sucked in a breath before speaking. "Why? Why?"
Because one day you will leave me and I'll be alone, Severus wanted to say, but he could not. Just like he hadn't been able to say anything when Lily walked away from him in Hogwarts. He wanted a piece of Lily all for his own if could not have her entirety.
Lily shook her head and turned towards the garden. "I'm giving you this one last chance. to leave, Sev, before I call Sirius to send you packing. This is my wedding day and I deserve my happiness." She glanced back and her green eyes seemed to pierce him. "I deserve James."
* * *
Harry stretched out to touch Snape and the older man allowed the touch. "You're not all that bad-looking," Harry murmured against his greasy hair.
Snape's lip curled, allowing the barest hint of a smile on his face, knowing that Harry could not see it. When Harry wrapped his arms around his waist, Snape knew it was time for the dalliance to end.
"That is enough, Mr. Potter." Snape pushed against Harry's arms gently until he released his hold. "I believe you and your friends are attempting to break into the Ministry tomorrow? You dare too much, I think, but knowing your luck, you shall be safe. You need to wake up soon."
"What do you mean, 'wake up'?" Harry frowned and ran his fingers through his messy hair. "I am awake. This isn't some dream." His green eyes met the black, but Snape refused to budge. "You're the Half-Blood Prince. This is home. I know you."
"Indeed you do, or at least you think you do." Snape caressed Harry's face with the lightest of touches and Harry leaned into it, closing his eyes. "You need to wake soon before Miss Granger suspects anything."
"I don't understand! Wait, what do you mean?" Snape started to waver before him and he tried to reach out and grab the man, but it was like catching mist.
"Wake up!" Harry's eyes flew open and saw Hermione's worried gaze. "Oh, Harry. We can't be late for today. Come on and get dressed."
He yawned and sat up. "Yeah, yeah. I know. Just had a dream and all."
Hermione smiled slightly. "I hope it was something good. I didn't sleep very well at all and I don't have the best feeling about today's mission. What was your dream about?"
As Harry opened his mouth to tell her, he shut it. What was it about? "You know, I can't remember. Something nice, though."
* * *
"Harry!" breathed Hermione behind him, but he had already pointed his wand at the crate blocking his view. It lifted an inch into the air and drifted sideways silently. As quietly as he could, he pulled himself into the room.
He did not know why he was doing it, why he was approaching the dying man: He did not know what he felt as he saw Snape's white face, and the fingers trying to staunch the bloody wound at his neck. Harry took off the Invisibility Cloak and looked down upon the man he hated, whose widening black eyes found Harry as he tried to speak. Harry bent over him, and Snape seized the front of his robes and pulled him close…
The movement jarred Harry's memory and he remembered everything. No, not everything, not when the dreams first began or why the dreams began, but he remembered the things that mattered. His dreams had been of Snape, always of Snape, and he forgot that simple fact when he regained consciousness every morning. Harry supposed if Snape could fly, then Snape could connect their minds through dreams.
How could he forget Snape's kind words or gentle kisses? How could he forget the feeling of home Snape invoked in him when they were together? And now the man was dying before his eyes and he could do nothing.
A terrible rasping, gurgling noise issued from Snape's throat.
Snape was dying. He was watching his…lover? Friend? He was watching him die.
"Look…at…me…" Snape whispered.
The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, blank, and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more.
* * *
As Harry walked to the Gryffindor Tower, numb over everything that had occurred, he could not believe that Snape was dead. The man was a survivor and he'd been killed by a snake bite. No, by losing all that blood from the snake bite. The man was a potions master and he'd been brought down by something so simple.
He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, but they would not leave him. He needed to rush back to the Shrieking Shack and confirm Snape's death. He could not leave things like this, not when he did not know what was going on, what Snape had felt.
What Snape had felt. Harry let out a bitter laugh. Why had Snape pretended to be his lover in their dreams if who he really loved and wanted was his mum? It made no sense and he wanted Snape to be alive so he could shake the man and demand answers. He wanted answers.
Harry headed towards the Shrieking Shack with that thought in mind, and rage burning through his veins. He entered through the tunnel, scanning the small room for Snape's body. He scanned again, furrowing his brow when he could not find the body. Where was it? No one but he and Hermione knew where Snape had died. Well, Voldemort knew, but he was dead. So where was it?
Harry spent the next few hours searching the surrounding grounds near the shack for the body of Snape, but to no avail. It had simply vanished. Even the blood that'd spurted out of Snape's neck and spilled onto the floor was gone. It was as if Severus Snape never existed.
* * *
When Harry dreamed, he knew it was not a dream. Severus sat behind the Headmaster's desk, his hands folded on the smooth surface, and his black eyes bore deep into his own. Harry took a step forward, a smile appearing on his face, almost immediately forgetting the anger he'd borne towards the man earlier that evening. "You're alive, aren't you?"
Harry reached out and weaved his fingers with Severus'. "I thought you died."
Severus inclined his head. "I did, for a moment, but the potion I drank before meeting the Dark Lord left me in a coma for several hours, slowly healing me. I assumed it would be best for everyone involved if they continued to think that I was dead." His brow furrowed. "You should not have been able to come here."
"Yeah, well, I always break the rules, don't I?" Harry squeezed Severus' hand. "Don't leave me. I don't want to be alone."
"Mr. Potter, I doubt there is any chance that you will be alone in life. You have too many people who care about you. Perhaps you should court Miss Weasley. Haven't she and you been waiting for each other for your entire lives?"
Harry scowled. "Yeah, but don't change the subject. Ginny's great and I like her a lot, but I love you." He jerked and realized exactly what he'd forgotten. He always seemed to overlook things around Severus. It was an odd occurrence, because he would have never expected to ever forget such important things. "And you love my mum. You've loved her all your life." And I can never compete with that, he wanted to say.
Severus untangled his hand from Harry's and shrugged his shoulders. "I have always loved her, yes. For me, she was the only real thing in the world and I wanted her for myself."
Harry shifted uncomfortably, having had the same thoughts about Ginny when they kissed on his birthday. He wanted Ginny in the same way, and he knew instinctively that if Ginny had not felt the same about him, he would have ended up like Severus had. Heartbroken and alone. But he loved Severus too. Could someone actually love two people at the same time?
Harry met Severus' gaze, unsure and scared of what was to come. "We've never had an easy time of it, you and me," he started.
"I am aware of this. The only way we connect is through other means. My journal, my memories, my doe, the dreams. Do you think this is a sign that we were not meant for anything more than a pleasant distraction from the real world?"
"I don't know. I just want to be with you. I feel like I'm home when we're like this and-" he broke off as he glanced away. "You remind me of home."
"I remind you of the Dursleys?" Severus asked.
Harry shook his head. "No, not there. That was never home. You remind me of Hogwarts."
Severus' lip curled and he rose to his feet, walking around the desk to stand in front of Harry. "And you wish to start anew with me?" he murmured. "It will not be easy in the real world. People think I am dead and you still have your redheaded girl to marry, cherish, and have children with. Life with me will not be easy. I am not the kindest person. Your mother knew that. Do you?"
"I know." Harry sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. "But I figure if we can work well here, we can work well anywhere."
"I suppose that is one way of looking at it." When Severus pulled Harry into his awkward embrace, Harry followed and wrapped his arms around his waist.
Harry wasn't Lily, and Severus wasn't Ginny, but that was for the best.