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Anna Milton ([info]a_fallen_star) wrote in [info]payline,
@ 2014-01-23 02:10:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:!complete, anna milton (canon), castiel (au)

Who: Castiel (AU) and Anna Milton
Where: A rooftop nearest the Luxor
What: Meeting, angsting, Anna's bullshit-o-meter is gonna go off the charts
When: Late night
Rating: Low
Open: Yep

It was probably a trap. Anna had no reason not to think it wasn't, considering the way Cas had talked to her before, but...even Superman had his kryptonite, she guessed. It wasn't the place. Or the demons. Whatever was going on, Anna was fairly certain she could work it out and get home. If she couldn't get home, she'd just deal. She'd cross whatever metaphorical bridge she found when she was good and ready, but not until she saw Castiel. She was apparently dead in his timeline, which meant her time was limited. There was not much she could do about that, so...it was probably best to take whatever time she could get with him. As stupid as it sounded and it did sound stupid.

She was mildly impressed that he'd learned to text, but something about the messages was off. More than just off...the closer she drew to him, the more she could feel it. And it was unlike anything she'd ever sensed before.

She landed. Quietly. Carefully. The pyramid Cas had mentioned lit up the night sky, sending a beam of light directly up into it and for a moment, she was vaguely entranced. As a human, she'd only seen pictures of it before. And while it was nothing compared to the real pyramids in Egypt, it was still...nice. Comforting maybe. In a city like Vegas or as it turned out, apparently not Vegas, Anna supposed any signs of warmth or comfort were welcome. Especially when she found herself next to Castiel and he wasn't the Castiel she remembered.

Hospital scrubs aside, he was older. Both his vessel and his true form. And his true form was...damaged, but even that failed to come close. Whatever had happened to him, it was bad. Whatever conflicts Anna had about being there almost dissolved immediately and if it wasn't for her sense of healthy skepticism, she probably would've greeted him a little more warmly. She needed to focus. Damaged or not, he was Cas. And they needed to work out what was going on.

Even if her human side caused her angelic blank stare to soften. "...So what's first?" she asked. "Do we talk about how this happened? Or about what happened to you?"


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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-23 08:03 am UTC (link)
Castiel was rather busy staring at the Pyramid -- he'd spent some time (between tapping absently at the little keypad) looking at the giant Sphinx in front of it, but it was of much less interest to him than the actual Pyramid. The light, he liked. It was probably just blue, but like with so many other things he saw far more than that. It was a wild array of colors and distracted him right up until Anna was standing in front of him.

"Hello," he said in greeting - mild and nearly amused (although not exactly, not quite). If she felt the need to jump straight to the conversation that was important he wasn't going to stop her, but he certainly didn't seem immediately on board, either. Instead, he tilted his head to the side and just looked at her for a long moment. It wasn't quite like the colors, but if he didn't reign in his focus just so, he could watch the way time worked around her. "Simpler times," he said, and actually did smile. It didn't matter if it was true or not, not really.

"I don't know how we arrived here," he went on after a moment, seeing fit to seat himself down on the cement - despite it being night, it was still warm from the fake desert sun. "It just is. And seems to want to continue being." He couldn't leave. He knew that much already.

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-23 08:22 am UTC (link)
And that said it all more or less. What both he and Kevin had hinted at didn't really leave a lot to the imagination - she was dead. The Apocalypse was over. Or stopped. Which left Castiel and why he wasn't himself. She could guess what happened there from the scrubs too, but the idea of it, of him being in a place like that...it was no secret what one of her worst nightmares was. But for Cas to have to live it too, even if he didn't seem especially bothered by it made her chest ache and that was a problem.

She didn't even know if she could trust him yet and she was already feeling sympathy. Or anger. Whatever it was, it was more human than she needed right now. No matter how badly she wanted to feel anything. Choosing instead to focus on the garish city lights, she came up beside him to lean on the concrete railing. She took a deep breath, knowing she'd need to look at him. Even if he was all wrong.

"Were times ever simple?" she asked somberly. "Whether it just is or not, we don't belong here. You know it and I do too. So come on. What else is there?"

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-23 08:37 am UTC (link)
Times had been simple once. Castiel remembered it a little -- it was foggy, sort of. More like what he assumed a dream might be like. More real than a hallucination, but still something he was currently detached from. He knew if he focused hard enough it would be clear again. Crystal clear. That's what humans said. It didn't make sense because crystals weren't clear - they were shaped and cut and jagged and showed one million different things depending on how they were looked at.

Either way, he remembered. Anna and the rest of his Garrison, they'd played little games. He'd stood on newly formed beaches and stared at small grey fish. Nothing had been difficult then.

Instead of saying so, he rolled his shoulders into a stiff proximity of a shrug and fiddled with the laminate plastic band around his right wrist. "We don't," he agreed. Because they didn't belong here. It felt absolutely wrong in every invisible thread in the air. Still, he felt strangely nonchalant about it. Here was as good as anywhere.

"What else is there to what? Here?" He cocked his head to the side slightly, glanced over at Anna and wondered what exactly it was she saw, or was even asking about.

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-23 08:57 am UTC (link)
Of course he'd fiddle with the bracelet. Anna remembered her own. It'd always irritated her. Rubbed at her skin or stuck to it if it got too hot. It wasn't as bad as the drugs or the therapy that she didn't need. Or even the fact that she couldn't wash her hair or shave her legs without supervision. But just bad enough to make her bite her lower lip and draw her wings closer to her back. She'd hoped - she'd wanted better for him. And this was what happened. She knew she was missing a step somewhere, but nothing made sense at the moment.

"Here. You. Whichever you'd rather talk about," she replied, her tone even. "...I kind of need you to focus for me right now. There's a lot I'm gonna miss apparently. So if you don't care about this place...we might as well talk about you."

She wanted to point out that it was probably like talking to a ghost anyway. That maybe it's make none of what he said really matter. She could be gone tomorrow. Or never. Or he could. There were too many questions all at once and that would make any angel uncomfortable. Even with her rebellious, questioning ways, it partially went against angelic nature.

"Either way...the demons are still down there."

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-25 06:45 am UTC (link)
Anna needed him to focus. Castiel smiled, a little wistful, a little amused. He'd remembered more than one person saying that to him. Meg, Dean, even Sam a little -- although he always seemed the most forgiving of Castiel's wandering mind and mood. It only made sense considering this was his in the first place. Sam's. But also Castiel's. Different, and both the same.

The angel hummed a little and shook his head, eyes narrowing slightly when he realized he'd drifted off for longer than he'd planned with his own thoughts. "Right," he said, and sounded nothing short of serene. "I can sense them. The demons." He didn't seem very concerned, could imagine feeling concerned in such a way anymore. Not unless he tried. Which he had no current plans of doing.

The demons hardly seemed worth talking about though, and so he glanced over at Anna, expression slightly questioning. "We stopped the apocalypse," he went on, as if he'd even been asked.

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-25 06:54 am UTC (link)
For the longest time, Anna had always wondered if she'd ever get to see Castiel smile. It would've been nice to see him finally get it, to accept human emotion and learn to maybe enjoy it, but she could already see that wasn't the case. Whatever had happened to him - whatever off feeling that she was sensing had to do with whatever broke him and she was sure of it. So to her, this smile was nothing more than a means to hide it. And there wasn't much he could actually hide from her.

"And?" she asked. "You're going to do nothing about them?"

Broken or not, she'd trained him to be a soldier. To do what was necessary when it was time. This was not what she'd taught him. And if he was going to hide behind this insanity, then Anna felt that she had her mission right here. At least until she got sent home or was killed. Whichever occurred first, since she wasn't willing to rule any of it out.

"I heard. Keep going," she said evenly.

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-25 07:14 am UTC (link)
No, he wasn't going to do anything about them. Partly because he didn't sense enough of them to even think to be concerned, and partly because from what he did sense, he could tell Meg was here. Somewhere. He hadn't sought her out yet and thought maybe he should. It had been a while since he'd seen her and they had been nearly friends. Or she'd put up with him, anyway. Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference. In any case, he knew her to be territorial. She'd deal with it.

"I don't fight anymore," he said, as if that explained everything -- and to him it did. He didn't need to explain, he just needed for Anna to know it. To not expect anything else. The same way he'd made Dean and Sam aware. It was best not to expect too much: Castiel didn't like disappointing people, but he was willing to do it these days.

But this was Anna, and she did deserve more than a simple sentence, and so, just as asked, he kept going.

"Sam said yes and was able to take control enough to drop himself and Michael back into the pit." Not Dean. Michael. And the body of a boy who'd been nothing but lied to. It had been a shame. He glazed over the part where he'd died and then been brought back. It seemed unimportant, distance.

"Raphael wasn't fond of the outcome."

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-25 07:45 am UTC (link)
As much as his pacifistic comment unnerved her, Anna knew when to pick her battles. Even if she didn't quite understand pacifism as a concept - those who didn't stand up and fight for something floundered. Or died. She would worry about that later. For now, she knew when details of a story were being omitted and she wanted none of it.

"And what then?" she asked. "Somehow I don't think Raphael is the one who did this to you."

Although that raised a few questions. Like what had happened to Gabriel. Or even Zachariah. As for the boy that Michael had taken, Anna supposed it wasn't too strange that John Winchester might have had another son, but that wasn't especially important either. If Michael and Lucifer were in the cage, then something else was wrong.

Turning to him, she sighed and looked him in the eye. "It's me, Cas," she said gently. "You know you can tell me anything."

She had a feeling she wouldn't like it. That something had changed in him and it was more than just what she was seeing, but he was Cas. At least in some form. She supposed it was better than nothing at all. Although she was beginning to rethink her standpoint in regard to the Apocalypse. She'd wanted him to live, but this was no way for anyone to live. Not if he wouldn't let anyone help.

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-25 08:35 am UTC (link)
Castiel considered that for a moment even as his gaze went back to the ground -- his shoes too white and standing out against the darkly paved cement. He missed the black ones he'd been so used to, and knew he could change back to that -- that outfit of tie and proper shoe attire -- with less than a thought. It just didn't seem… important enough. Or maybe just it seemed too Castiel, and that wasn't exactly him right now. So he didn't.

"I did this to me," he said, thoughtful and squinting like he just wasn't sure how to speak properly enough to fill in the blanks. Omission came almost naturally these days, even when he wasn't trying for it and sometimes he just forgot things in general instead of on purpose.

"Anna," he said, sounding rather warm. "I know I could. I did miss you," a strange admission currently, but definitely a true one.

He paused then, shifting until he was facing her again. "Only for you," he said softly, not completely focused. "I'll let you see. If you want." It was easier. Easier to show her, to allow Anna to just skim it all off of his mind than it was for Castiel to find the focus or the words that could so easily be confused or wrong. "You won't like it."

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-25 09:05 am UTC (link)
He did this to him...that was the thought turning over in her mind. For maybe five seconds. Or thirty. Time was harder to determine when she existed in such a different frame of it and she hadn't exactly had the time to get used to it. And she knew what he was offering. If even sensing it had her wings drawn up to her true form, she could only imagine what it was, but then...she had three weaknesses that were detrimental to her. As it turned out, the one that was probably the most dangerous was the one she always caved in for.

"I'm pretty sure I won't," she agreed, expression stony and blank. "But...are you sure?"

She knew enough about mental illness to know that when things were scrambled already, it was unpleasant to have people poking around and making it worse. She might never have been truly crazy, but the prodding and the questioning with the therapy had been more than enough. Anna didn't want that for him either.

Whatever she'd see would disappoint her - she'd been ready for that the moment he'd agreed to see her. Maybe even break her. In some ways. It was probably a good thing that Anna refused to break in general. Usually, there was a solution to every problem.

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-25 09:24 am UTC (link)
She wouldn't like it. He knew it. She knew it. It wasn't a matter of like or dislike though, it was only a matter of answers. And even if they were scrambled and distant in his head, he knew that if anyone could, Anna would be the one to make sense of it. Just like he knew that it wouldn't break her. Not the memories, or the distortion of them anyway. The truth of it all… maybe. Although ultimately unlikely. Anna had always been a bit more resolute than the rest of them.

"It would be…easier," he said after a short pause -- too short. Not enough time for him to change his mind, at the very least. It wasn't his mind that he was worried for, after all -- that was just how things were not, and it wasn't a concern of his. The secrets hidden in it, more worrying.

Castiel shrugged, nearly languid, and then reached out to take her hand, to almost absently bend her fingers until it was just index and middle and guide them to his forehead. "I'm sorry." It was best to say it now. Not matter how much Dean said otherwise, it wasn't just something he was playing at.

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-25 10:46 pm UTC (link)
Anna had heard him apologize before. She'd even accused him of not meaning it. At the time, she wasn't certain that he had. He'd had the driving need to follow orders and probably would have carried them out had she not taken her Grace back. She'd had no reason to believe him then. But now...now she didn't know. But whatever it was, she definitely had no illusions the moment the apology fell from his lips. Castiel usually didn't apologize for things. Not unless the actions were so large that they would be impossible to take back.

Taking a deep breath, she nodded, and pressed her fingers to his forehead. The thoughts and memories...they came fast. Faster than she'd expected from not looking into the minds of others for some time, but there they were. Raphael. A demon named Crowley. Balthazar's death...

He...he stabbed Balthazar. In the back. And if that wasn't disconcerting enough, he'd deceived the boys. Became God and killed thousands of their own kind. Taken the souls of Purgatory. Shattered Sam's mind and taken it on. Why? He'd actually released...

Anna took a step back.Leviathans. He'd released leviathans. All that time and she'd thought it was just a story. That at least explained why he was so broken. And why he hadn't wanted to tell her anything. Anna took a moment, gathering herself. She'd only looked at the recent events. The rest of it...she wasn't even sure if she wanted to know. It wasn't really necessary to know anyway.

Meeting his eye with a blank expression, she shook her head. "You might be sorry," she agreed. "But that's not gonna cut it. You know that."

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-25 11:06 pm UTC (link)
Castiel let her take it. Offered those memories freely, even though he was well aware that he probably shouldn't. That the were a mess and he was a mess and it was all bad. But Anna would ask and ask and it was best she just found out now.

Sorry never did seem to cut it, not when it was coming from him. No matter the fact that his guilt and sorrow was tremendous. Overwhelming. That no words could properly convey how sorry he was. He could lay waste to cities and states with the power of his sorrow alone. It wouldn't matter. That wasn't enough just like those five letters weren't enough.

Castiel didn't respond, only tore his gaze away from hers and looked up again at the light shining from the top of the fake pyramid in the fake city. Good as anywhere else.

"Do you think," he asked, tone slow and thoughtful like he was thinking out the question before adding more words on -- careful. "Do you think the rooms we were allotted will tolerate pets?"

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-25 11:29 pm UTC (link)
Sighing, Anna knew it was yet another stall tactic, but with his psyche in the state it was, she wasn't entirely surprised either. As a human, she would have told herself to stay calm. As an angel, she had no choice but to be calm and that somehow made it even worse. "You can't avoid the truth and weight of your actions forever, Cas," she said gently, eyes still on him even as he turned away. "You can deflect. And ask questions about pets. But you know that isn't what's really important."

And that was all she was going to say for the time being. Cas wasn't stupid. Mentally damaged, maybe. But never stupid. He knew what she meant and she was content to leave it that way.

Not knowing what else to do, she took her place beside him on the roof again, staring blankly into the lights. She didn't register them. Not as much as she would have liked. All of this had suddenly just become a lot more complicated and even if she could get home, she knew that no matter what she said, she probably wouldn't be able to just leave him like this.

"Besides...you never really struck me as the type for pets," she said darkly.

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-26 07:20 am UTC (link)
"I've never had one before," Castiel said, and he was this close to sounding petulant about it. It was not the pet that he did or did not have that made him so either. It was the fact that Anna never did seem to let things lay like he otherwise might have liked.

He pulled his knees up until he could rest his chin atop them and considered momentarily leaving for the time being. He wasn't interested in the conflict that could come from this, didn't want to argue or be lecture or yelled at.

"I considered a cat once," he went on, very pointedly ignoring her gentle but pointed words. He couldn't do anything about them. No use dwelling.

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-26 08:05 am UTC (link)
Petulant or not, Anna didn't particularly care. He could act out, he could rescue every cat in the city. Sooner or later, he would still have to face himself and do the right thing. And she would help him. If he chose to stop hiding. Which she knew he was.

And while he might have feared conflict, Anna never did. She simply knew when to choose her battles.

"...Why a cat?" she asked, genuinely curious. "Was it because of the general independence or just...you like the look of them?"

It was probably a good thing she wasn't human. If she were, there might have been tears. Now that she knew she was going to die, she could honestly say she didn't know when her last conversation with him would occur. And while he was a shell of his former self, it still had to count. Besides...maybe he just needed someone to listen to him. For a little while. Somehow she doubted many other people did. After all, there wasn't much he could do for them. Or would do. Maybe in that sense he was finally free. Anna didn't know.

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-27 07:08 am UTC (link)
He was definitely hiding. He wasn't even fully aware he was doing it though - and was never fully certain on the specifics of what he was hiding from. Mostly himself, probably. It wasn't something he cared enough about to attempt to focus on it.

He considered the question, rolled his shoulders a little into something that was probably a shrug. He didn't know why at cat. He'd been thinking on one for a long time -- since around when he'd suggested getting one with Sam, Dean and Meg. "We were a species short," he said, as if that explained everything.

Clasping his hands together he looked up at the sky again, the beam of light that shone up in the sky from the pyramid. He didn't know what to say, and even if he figured something out he wasn't sure how he'd say it anyway. It was best to remain silent.

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-27 07:19 am UTC (link)
Anna huffed softly, smiling despite herself. Of course it was because they were a species short. Cas and decisions...they always came with the most practical reasoning behind them. Even what had brought him to this state, she knew. And that was what broke her heart even more.

"You and the boys?" she asked. "That...makes sense, I guess."

That raised several other questions. She didn't want to know why they hadn't tried to help him yet. And as much as she wanted to ask about Meg, Anna was honestly afraid to. Whether Meg was a demon or not, she'd taken care of Cas. Protected him when obviously Anna couldn't do so herself. She respected her. But...it was still hard. If Cas felt that way for Meg. Not that it mattered anyway. For a lot of reasons.

Sighing again she just leaned her elbows onto the concrete. "If you get one, it should be a black one. I think...I think it would suit you best."

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-29 06:56 am UTC (link)
"Yes, and Meg." They might have had Kevin at that point too, although Castiel had mostly put the Prophet to the back of his mind. It was a lot of screaming and crying, and the angel wasn't particularly fond of sitting through either of those things. And two humans was already enough. "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Although it had been shot down pretty quickly. Probably for the best, there might not have been time to name it properly.

He glanced over at Anna again, head tilting to the side like he was trying to work something very large and very important out in his head. After a long pause, he nodded. "Black," he agreed. "I agree." That had not necessarily been what he was considering, but it was where the conversation had been going.

Cas chewed at his lower lip, fiddled a little more with that plastic bracelet. "Are you angry?"

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-29 07:21 am UTC (link)
"And Meg," she agreed, absently.

Anna wasn't so sure why that made her uncomfortable. He'd found people to care for him and that was all that really mattered. Crazy or not, she wouldn't have wanted him to be alone either way. The only problem was that she knew that accepting Meg was going to take her a while. Especially since it seemed Meg had made quite the impression. Anna just hoped she was everything that Cas needed her to be.

At his question, she looked up at him, slightly taken aback. It was the question of an insecure mind. Probably one she would've expected from any of the younger angels that had once been in her service, but it seemed like something Cas would ask regardless of his mental state. And it was always a more complicated question than it seemed to be.

"No," she answered honestly. "I'm not condoning what you did. But you did what you thought you had to do. That's something I can understand."

Reaching over, she covered his hand with hers, still expecting him to pull it away. "Mostly I'm just kind of in shock. About this place. About everything. I'll be okay."

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[info]eddiespaghetti
2014-01-31 12:55 am UTC (link)
Cas didn't pull his hand away, but he did only just stare at her fingers over hers in a way that spoke volumes of unspoken confusion. Even if he'd been at full faculty, he probably wouldn't have known what to do about that touch. He didn't deserve the support that was being offered with it and he was well aware of it. Too well aware.

He looked away, back over at the Sphinx. "okay," he said, and it would have to be enough of an answer for everything that he'd been given because he wasn't offering any more than that. Couldn't. It was too much.

"I should go," he said suddenly, and didn't offer more warning than that -- only blinked out of existence with an off beat sound of wings.

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[info]a_fallen_star
2014-01-31 01:13 am UTC (link)
Of course. All that time and he still didn't want her touching him. Feeling his Grace winding up to project him, Anna looked up. "Cas, wait...!"

Too late. Sighing, Anna stood there and ran a hand through her hair. She wondered if she should follow him and let him know that she wanted to help him. But then...if he'd wanted that, then he probably should have stayed. And who knew. Like he'd said, she was a reminder of the past. There was a good chance he didn't want that reminder. Not that it mattered. If there was something she really did need to talk to him about, he'd just have to deal with her. But in this state, it might have just been for the best.

If you ever need me...you know I'm here. You can find me.

It was mostly a thought. She projected it anyway, but as to whether or not he'd pick it up, she didn't know. She needed a minute. Exactly sixty seconds. Then she'd go and see who she could help and how. It was what she needed to do more. Castiel would come to her if he wanted something. And he'd have to do it because as far as he was concerned, she was just a memory.

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