|Alexandria Rose Nash | Urðr (urdr) wrote in paxletalelogs,|
@ 2011-11-08 19:22:00
|Entry tags:||thor, urdr|
I had a good home but I left...
Who: Alexandria and James
What: Alex confronts James (while under the influence of Eris/Charlie’s power) about why Adam rejected her, then has a good cry.
When: Backdated to October 27th, 2011, 11:00 pmish, maybe? Directly after this and directly before this!
Warnings: Probably language?
After leaving Adam’s apartment, Alexandria went back to her own, kicking off her heels with such fury one dinged the wall, and the other nicked her piano.
“Fuck!” she cried, throwing her keys to the floor as hard as she could, doing little but making noise. Going over to the piano, she knelt by it, trying to smooth away the notch in the wood with thin, shaking fingers before she sank to the floor and started to cry in earnest.
She didn’t give herself long; soon enough she was wiping her face with the backs of her hands, scooping up her keys from the floor, and out of her apartment again. There was nothing she could do about Adam; he’d rejected her, it was done. But she could do something about the one person she’d always trusted, who’d always looked out for her, and who apparently was harboring some kind of malice -- or something, she thought to herself -- against Adam that apparently had scared her best friend to the point where he didn’t even want to touch her.
Wrapped in her trenchcoat, mascara smeared, barefoot and nursing a maelstrom of fury and hurt, Alex left her apartment, marching to her brother’s door, which she pounded on furiously.
“Jamie!” she called hoarsely, angrily. “Jamie, get out here!”
James had just finished taking a shower and still had drops of water in his short hair when he approached his apartment door and unlocked it. He could hear Alex’s voice from the other end of his apartment when she had began to beat at the door. As soon as he heard her desperation, he began to jog for the door- if his sister called for him and sounded upset like that, well he would be there in a flash. Pulling the door open, James’ grey eyes went wide at the sight of his sister. She had sounded upset, certainly, but he had not expected to find her in such a state.
“Alex, what the hell happened?” He threw back the door and reached out, grabbing his sister by the arm and pulling her inside of his apartment. “Where are your shoes?” He looked over her until his eyes settled on her face with an expression of complete worry.
“What?” she asked, her voice still shaking with anger, looking down at her feet for a second, then shaking her head as she realized. She looked back up at him.
“At my apartment,” she said. “But that’s not the point.” She wiped her eyes, tears still lingering there. Normally, this story would be the last thing she’d ever tell James. Normally, she wouldn’t have even come over in such a state. But then normally, she wouldn’t have had to come over to begin with; everything about this was unlikely, if not impossible, and yet here she was, ready to launch.
“I went to Adam’s,” she said, her face still a mask of anger and upset. “I tried to hook up with him. But he didn’t want me. Do you know why he didn’t want me? Oh, because of you. I don’t know why, I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you --” her voice started to break as tears welled up in her eyes, “but Adam pushed me away and doesn’t want me, and you need to tell me what’s going on between you two that caused it!”
“You tried to hook up with him?” Already James was seeing red. The very idea of Alex doing...having...no he didn’t want to go there. His hands were fists and he tried to focus on his crying baby sister in front of him. Gently, he reached out and rubbed his thumb across her cheek to clean off the mascara.
“He wouldn’t do it because of me?” His voice was low but his heart did a jump. Quickly he felt ashamed to feel any sense of excitement for the idea while Alex looked so distraught. Standing straighter, he gripped Alex’s arm and began to lead her into the living room. “I don’t know. I mean, he knows that I’d be pissed if he hurt you.”
It should have occurred to Alexandria how strange it was that she had no compunction about discussing this with her brother, but it didn’t. She only knew what she felt, and she scowled fiercely up at him, even as she let him wipe her cheek.
“I tried to hook up with him, yes. I wanted to have sex with him, because I’ve been in love with him for longer than I’m probably even aware of, and we’ve been best friends forever, and I thought he felt the same way. But he wouldn’t; he pushed me away, and when I asked if it had something to do with you, he told me it was. If he really liked me, if he really wanted to be with me, pissing you off wouldn’t stop him!” she declared, tears streaming fresh down her face again.
She shook his hand off her arm and started pacing across his living room in her bare feet, pulling her trenchcoat tighter around her.
“I don’t understand what’s going on between the two of you. I don’t understand this secret whatever it is, but it’s so obvious when the two of you are in the same room, and now Adam won’t even touch me because he’s afraid of how you’ll react! And it’s not fair! Because I love Adam, and I want to be with him, and -- and --” she burst into tears again.
“I don’t understand why you’re both acting this way,” she said in a pitiful sob, her shoulders shaking.
James sunk to his couch and stared at his apartment door for a moment before looking at his sister. “There’s nothing going on between us, believe me,” he said sternly. He wasn’t angry, not at his sister, but he was angry at Adam. If the little tattooed freak didn’t live down the hall things would be so much more easy for James. He wouldn’t have to worry about these feelings or upsetting his sister. He wouldn’t have to worry about Adam making his sister cry. It took a few moments before Alex’s first words hit James in the face. Sex. Jesus. He didn’t want to think of his sister having sex and the expression on James face (similar to a look of tasting something sour) expressed as much.
“Alex, don’t cry,” James said quietly as he patted the couch cushion beside him. “Come sit. It’ll be okay.”
Reluctantly, she shuffled over to the couch, still sniffling, and sat down next to her brother; it was only another moment before she put her arms around him, pressing her cheek to his chest, and despite his first request, she did, indeed, continue crying, holding him tightly.
“Please tell me what’s going on,” she nearly hiccuped. “He won’t tell me, and you won’t either, but I’m not stupid. You hit him at dinner last month and now there’s this obvious tension --” she squeezed him tighter -- “and I get that you don’t want him to hurt me, but there’s more to it than that.”
James rubbed Alex’s back slowly as his eyes bore holes into his apartment wall. What was he going to say? He knew exactly why there was tension between Adam and himself but he had held the reasoning back for years and yet he kept it to himself. He was frightened to let that particular cat out of the bag because so long he had kept up a front of being someone he most certainly was not.
Then again...if he could tell anyone, surely it would be his little sister. She had always been so supportive and loving that if anyone would understand and be accepting- it would be her. But on the other hand if she pushed that away, if she saw him differently or seemed disgusted it would only hurt James all the more. She had the capability of making James’ grasp the concept of caring for someone but she also could turn it and crush his heart.
But as she sat there crying against his chest, her small body shuddering with her hiccups and her innocent questions, he realized he could not deny her the answers. He could never deny her anything. “You’re right...I don’t want him to hurt you. I warned him as much when we were at your apartment. He...he made a comment about my leaving you. That I hurt you. I suppose I overreacted.” Except in James’ mind, he didn’t overreact at all. He had never tried to intentionally cause distress to his sister. If it was a result of something he did, he always felt guilty, but he had never sought out that emotion from her. “But...besides that...I am sure he hasn’t any feelings for me but...I’ve always liked him...”
The final portion of his sentence was in a near whisper as James’ voice nearly dried up in his throat. He didn’t know if he could do this and he hoped Alex hadn’t heard him.
Just the sound of James’ voice had always been enough to soothe her at the worst times, as far back as she could remember. Their mother had always told her how the few times as baby she’d really cried, no one could calm her, even make her smile, as quickly as James could. Now was no different. As he spoke, she quieted, only barely trembling as he explained what had happened. Her lips had already parted to tell him that he hadn’t left her, not really, that it had been fine, that she had been fine, when those softly whispered words stopped her, and she blinked, pulling away to look at him.
“Wha... you like him? Like, like him like him?” she asked, her voice hoarse from her tears. Looking into his face, she saw the truth, and suddenly so many things fell into place, making sense in ways they hadn’t before. It was inconceivable that she hadn’t realized it before, but there it was, clear as day. She cupped his face in her hands.
“Jamie...” she could only imagine, now, how difficult it must have been, living with this for all this time: having to hide himself from everyone, from their family, from her. And on top of that to have the object of his affection be Adam, whom she’d just been mooning over like a stupid cow-eyed fool. In that moment, she couldn’t find words, and so she did what came naturally and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. “Jamie, I’m so sorry.”
He was frozen for a moment, sitting still in his sister’s embrace with his jaw clenched tightly, and then he softened and slowly wrapped his arms around his sister. He hugged her tightly, feeling a certain level of weight lifting from his shoulders, and sighed into her hair.
“It’s always been this way, Alex,” James murmured against her hair and it felt good to tell her this. “I’ve just...I was...I guess I was scared to tell anyone. But now...I don’t know... I met a girl who I think I actually like so I’m starting to wonder what I am anymore. For years I was pretty sure I was gay.”
That final word stood out to James and he blinked and pulled back from his sister. “We’re getting sidetracked though. You’re upset. Do you want me to get you cookies or something?” His eyes were only for his baby sister and he slipped into the mindset he had as a child when she was ill. Cookies made everything better. Cookies, hugs, and maybe James reading her a bedtime story. He’d do that too if it made her smile.
Her arms still loosely around his neck, she looked at him for a moment, then burst into a watery laugh. For some reason, the offer of the old childhood remedy was the most perfect thing he could have said. “I love you, Jamie.”
She shifted a bit so she could look at him, her arms dropping from his neck so she could take his hand in hers.
“But listen, my upset can wait. This is a really big deal, and I just... I want you to know that I love you no matter what, obviously. I’m not sorry about your sexual identity, whatever that may be, I’m just sorry that... I’m sorry that you haven’t felt comfortable telling me, telling us -- the family -- about it. I’m sorry you’ve had to hide it, and that you’ve...” Her eyes welled up. “It must have been so hard for you all this time, and I’m so sorry for that. And... about all the Adam stuff.”
She pulled his hand up to her face and kissed the back of it before pressing it to her cheek.
“I just want you to be happy,” she said earnestly.
His smile was small and didn’t reach his eyes, but it was better than nothing. “I didn’t want to...disappoint you all. Well, I didn’t want to upset you. I...I didn’t want you...” James frowned and leaned back into his couch. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
Eyes growing wide, he leaned forward and clutched at Alex’s hand. “Don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell mom and dad...don’t...don’t tell Adam.” He felt a stirring of anger. All of this was because of Adam. Adam who was attracted to his sister, Adam who pushed her away, Adam who he was attracted to. Reaching for Alex, James wiped at her cheeks and tried to rid them of the runny mascara and tears. “I don’t think I’m going to be happy until I figure this stuff out, but I’ll be okay, promise.”
At that, she nodded, pressing her hand to his against her cheek. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise. Not Adam, not the family, no one.”
She took a soft, shuddering breath. It was a lot to take in, but it felt right to know it.
“I just... so you know... you could never disappoint me, or upset me -- not with something like this.” She squeezed his hand. “I love you no matter what you do, no matter who you are. I don’t care if you like boys or girls or both or neither; nothing could ever change that.”
She laced her fingers with his and put her head on his shoulder, settling in next to him. The tears had stopped, her breathing had evened out, and now she just felt exhausted. “So is this -- is this why you left?” she asked in a small voice. “When you went to Florida? Did you want to be far away so you could... you know... be you?”
James grew still and shifted in his seat. Blinking, he swallowed before forcing himself to rest his chin on her head and drawing his arms around her tiny form. “Well, they had a great track team and what I wanted to study. So, you know, that was the driving force. But...I stayed down there because of it. Yeah. It was hush-hush there as well though. I just...I got to figure myself out a little. I guess I got to accept everything. But now I’m just as confused as I was when I was a teenager.”
He sighed and gave Alex a squeeze. So often as children, and even as teenagers, they would curl up together on the couch or one of their beds and hug one another like this. James understood his family was much more willing to physically express their emotions, and were open up to embracing one another, than most families. But he didn’t quite understand how else to function around his siblings; especially his favorite sister. Whenever something was wrong it had always been best to hug like this and too often they had sat together in that same position while Alex was ill.
Giving a kiss to the top of her head before resting his head again, James continued, “It feels good to have told you, Alex.”
Nestling against him, she nodded, giving him a squeeze.
“I’m glad you told me, Jamie,” she said. For a moment, she was quiet, thinking on all he’d said, and working on digesting it.
It was always a comfort to be held, particularly by Jamie. It was good to feel close again, and to talk. Jamie made it easier to put aside everything and remember that she was loved, and that there was more to her life than whether Adam Vejas wanted her. Beyond that, the fact that there was this whole other side to Jamie’s life she’d never known about had been shocking at first, yes, but now she wanted to fill in all the blanks.
“So... wait,” she said, looking up at him. “You said you’re confused... and before you mentioned a girl? Is this the first girl you’ve ever been attracted to?”
James frowned and rolled his eyes. “Yeah...I mean, you know I’ve had girlfriends before, but you know I never...liked them. It...it was all kind of an act.” He glanced at his sister for a second then looked at his lap. “This girl...she’s so sweet and cheerful. She’s just always happy and I’m...just completely attracted to her and I want to see her smile. She reminds me of you a little, it upsets me to see her upset and I feel really protective of her.”
A smile played on James’ lips for a moment as he thought of Lucy but slowly it faded. “Needless to say, I don’t know what the hell I want now.” He gave a small shrug, his smile returning, and he leaned forward to give Alex a big kiss on her forehead. “Stay here the night, okay? You can sleep in my bed. I want to make sure you’re okay.” He reached up gently and brushed back her hair with his hand as his other hand rubbed Alex’s back.
Alex nodded against him sleepily, exhausted now after such a prolonged series of emotional moments and outbursts. It was good to hear James might have met someone? But it seemed so complicated.
“I’ll stay,” she said, her voice soft and heavy with fatigue. “And we can talk more tomorrow? We’ll figure this out for you.”
After all her outbursts tonight, it occurred to her that it might be more helpful if she had some time to think about the situation; then maybe she could offer some advice that might help. In the meantime, she nestled against her brother, her eyelids getting heavy.
“I’m so tired all of a sudden,” she said.
James smiled and began to gather his sister. “You’re going to bed,” he stated as he lifted Alex in his arms. She still was a tiny, light little thing. Surely she could walk her way to his bedroom but James didn’t mind babying Alex. It made him feel safe, like things hadn’t changed, like his biggest secret hadn’t just been admitted.
Plopping her onto his bed, James went to his dresser and pulled out sweatpants and a t-shirt before throwing them at her face. “Put some clothing on first,” James said with a small smile. He turned to his closet and paused, his lips pressed together in thought before he spun for his bed and dropped to the floor. Digging around under his bed it took a moment before he withdrew a worn stuffed animal. A little goat with a flattened ear, a lopsided eye, and the stuffing seeming to lack in one of the legs. “I can’t properly take care of you without Bug,” James said quietly as he took a seat on the bed and handed the stuffed animal to his sister. Smiling shyly, his eyes met Alex’s, “It always did the trick for me.”
As he carried her, Alexandria nestled comfortably in her brother’s arms. It was as much a comfort to her as to him; it calmed her to be near him, to have him carrying her to bed as he often had even when they were little, when he was much smaller. Once on the bed, she remained surprisingly unembarrassed by his acknowledgment of her clothes, and gave a watery laugh when she caught the ones he threw at her. She dressed while he searched, swimming in his clothes. When he emerged with the little goat, her eyes lit up, and she took the goat with a smile as shy as his, cuddling it close to her.
“Thank you, Jamie,” she said, reaching for him to kiss his cheek before getting under the covers and nestling there. “For taking care of me, for talking to me, for telling me... everything.”
She gave a little yawn as she snuggled Bug and pulled the covers up to her chin. “I love you.”
James sat at the edge of his bed and smiled softly. His stomach still clenched as he realized what he had exposed about himself. He had revealed something about himself that he had kept locked up for years. Even though there was no one he would rather tell than his sister...it still felt weird and James found himself fighting off his fight or flight response.
Adam. His damn neighbor and friend of sorts. If he hadn’t turned his sister away she wouldn’t have come to him in tears...she wouldn’t have demanded what was wrong. Then again, had he not turned Alex away they would probably have been busy having- no, James didn’t want to think of that. “I love you too, little one,” James replied quietly, pushing aside his anger for Adam and concentrating on Alex. He patted her leg gently and kept his voice low. “Sleep tight. I’ll make you waffles in the morning.”