Phillip Wolfe | Phobos (inclinedfear) wrote in paxletalelogs, @ 2011-09-30 08:03:00 |
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Entry tags: | eris, phobos |
One Of These Days You’ll Break Me
Who: Rylee and Charlie
What: Rylee is tired of Charlie’s hot and cold attitude and finally snaps at her.
Where: Charlie’s apartment
When: Friday, September 30th
Warnings: FOUL LANGUAGE D:
At first, Rylee had been worried he had done something wrong to cause Charlie to up and leave so suddenly after he had his wisdom teeth taken out. He felt guilty, as he typically did when Charlie had a melt down, but after Charlie brushed him off for the majority of the week he became angry.
He had known and loved Charlie for fifteen years. He knew how she generally worked and one of her functions were to freak out and then push away. Rylee wondered if she only did this with him but then realized that Charlie had no other friends to treat this way. No matter how much he loved Charlie, after so many years and the explosive fight they had while he was stationed in Quantico, it was too much.
Rylee had left the apartment complex with intentions of going for a run but spotted Charlie’s bike in the parking lot. He froze and his jaw set as he temporarily felt stressed at the idea that formed in his mind but it was suddenly hushed and replaced by steady determination. Turning, Rylee went back into the apartment building and headed straight to Charlie’s door.
Not caring that he was in an old USMC shirt and jogging shorts, only thankful that he wasn’t sweating, he beat on Charlie’s door. “Open up, Charlie, we are talking now,” he growled at the door.
She’d been lying on the couch, book in hand when the ferocious knocking made her jump. Living in a pool of self-pity all week, the last thing she’d expected Rylee to do was grow a pair and confront her; instead he had pretty much stuck to the status quo and caved every time she had brushed him off. Couldn’t he figure this shit out on his own? How confusing could it be for him?!
“Go the fuck away, Rylee, I told you, I’m busy,” she yelled back, making no move to open the door. Jack’s head came up from his spot on the floor near the couch, intrigued by the noise coming from the door, but he made no move.
Rylee tried the door knob and it didn’t budge. Grumbling he turned his fists back to the door and continued to beat on it. “No, I’m not fuckin’ goin’ away. You aren’t busy and we both know that. So open the fuckin’ door, Lee! I’m tired of this.”
He took a step back, nearly crossing his arms over his chest but only growing angry again and slamming his fists against the door as he banged loudly. “Open the door.”
Huffing irritatedly, Charlie climbed to her feet and walked over to the door; Jack followed at her heels, but she ordered him to move back to the couch and sit, stay. He obeyed, unlike other people she knew. After a moment’s pause, she unlocked it and opened it a crack. There were a few rare moments when she’d actually seen Rylee angry, but never quite like this. It almost scared her, a little, though she wouldn’t admit it. Plucking up her courage, she opened the door widely, giving him a sardonic look. “Door’s open. What’s the fuckin’ problem?”
Rylee’s eyes bore into Charlie as he stepped into the apartment and slammed the door closed behind him. Pausing for a moment as he tried to calm his rage, if only a little, he turned back to Charlie and stared at her. “What the fuck is your problem?” He gave a shake of his head and stepped closer to her, the difference in their height suddenly very real as he stared down at her. “What the hell happened, Charlie? I asked you to help me out with something, it shouldn’t have been that fucking hard, all you needed to do was stay in my apartment for the day after my surgery and you fucking bolted.”
She was pushed back into her own living space, eyes going wide even as she fought to keep the sarcasm on her face.
“I fuckin’ told yah, they called me in early. What the fuck do yah want me to do about that? Yah were fine, anyway, it’s not like yah weren’t gonna survive if I wasn’t there.” Her hands balled into fists and she kept a careful distance back from him, her own anger rising to defend herself even as she knew she was lying.
He followed any retreating movements she made, keeping himself close as he stared down on her. Shaking his head he grinded his teeth for a moment. “That’s a fuckin’ lie and you know it. That was important, Charlie, it was important to me. I was depending on you for something, I was trusting you to do something and you fucking flaked out on me. You’re starting to pull the same shit you did in the past and I’m not going to put up with it any more. I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I don’t know what the hell your problem is but you can’t just be my friend when you feel like it.”
Her expression flinched for the barest of moments, her jaw clenching.
“Well maybe if you didn’t keep shit from me, I’d feel like we were friends,” she shot back, the words instantly rising to her tongue without thought.
“Wait,” Rylee blurted, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head. “Wait a minute. If I didn’t keep shit from you? Who is the one who has been lying for the past four years? You didn’t tell me you were in a fuckin’ accident. You didn’t tell me you have fuckin’ PTSD. You didn’t tell me why you had gotten a god damn dog. You never even explained to me why the fuck you ran out on me in Quantico and fucking dropped out of our friendship for all that time! If anyone is keeping shit from someone, it’s you from me.”
Charlie’s mouth flapped, hands rising and falling with the force of the anger she felt. “Yeah, well, you’ve been actin’ like you wanna be with me, while yer with someone else! Who the fuck is that little blond bitch, huh? Why don’t yah bring her around here, so I could just see her face to face and yah can stop fuckin’ hiding this shit!”
Rylee’s jaw dropped and he blinked at Charlie, completely confused and not knowing what the hell Charlie was talking about. Quickly he thought of the women he knew at Pax, wondering if any of them had blond hair, but none did. In fact, he was sure they all had dark hair and he was the only blond in his group of friends. “What the hell are you talking about? Charlie, I do want to be with you! I want to be with you when you aren’t making me want to fucking strangle you like I do right now. But I’m fuckin’ single. I don’t know who the hell you’re talking about.”
“Don’t fuckin’ lie to me - I saw the pictures you have of you an’ her, a shitton of fuckin’ pictures.” Charlie took a step forward, raising a hand in anger toward Rylee, her index finger pointing accusingly. “Yah were hidin’ ‘em, in yer desk, probably so I wouldn’t see ‘em!” She could feel the pricking of tears at the back of her eyes, and forced it back, refusing to appear female during this argument.
Understanding filled Rylee’s mind, fueling his anger. He narrowed his eyes and leaned forward into Charlie’s space; voice coming out low, deep, and filled with every ounce of frustration he was holding. “So you went through my stuff, you found photos of myself and my ex, and you feel you have the right to be upset? She and I dated after you decided our friendship was finished. You remember that time, right? That period of time where I would call you and you wouldn’t pick up? I would email you and text you and you’d ignore me? That’s when I dated her.”
He shook his head and took a step back, looking over Charlie with complete disapproval on his face; she was going too far, way too far at this moment.
Confusion passed over her features, momentarily subsiding the anger. “Ex?” The word came out lamely, spinning around before dissipating under the lack of its own strength. Her hand fell a little, still raised toward him but no longer as threatening. “Then why the fuck do yah have so many fuckin’ pictures of her?”
He turned his angry eyes towards Charlie once more and stared at her for a moment before continuing. “Why does it fucking matter?” He spat and took a step closer again. “I have pictures of you from when we were kids, why does it matter if I have pictures of her? She was into photography and took a lot of pictures.
“But why the hell does it matter to you if I have pictures of my ex or not? Hmm? Can you tell me that Charlie? Despite that I would love it if you were my girlfriend, you fucking aren’t, so don’t act like one when you’re going to constantly turn me down.”
She felt herself shrinking internally, taking a step backward from him as a combination of worry and fright showed plainly on her features. But instead of getting scared, instead of backing away, she immediately fell back into into getting pissed off. Her jaw worked at empty air, trying to form words, and suddenly the truth was spilling out.
“Fine, yah wanna know why? Because I miss when you were just mine,” she replied, her voice low. “I didn’t have to share yah with anything or anyone, not fuckin’ school or other people, fuckin’ girlfriends or this fuckin’ apartment building. I didn’t have to worry about shit like people thinkin’ I was yer girlfriend or whatever the fuck shit has to be, or be fuckin’ pressured into shit, an’ I’m jus’ so fuckin’ tired of it all.” The hand finally fell back to her side and then both rose to press her face. They fell away once more and she stepped back, moving away from him enough to put a comfortable area of space between them.
“I’m sorry, all right, I’m sorry about everythin’, the stupid way I acted at Quantico and missin’ all that shi...stuff, yer birthday an’ Christmas an’ yer graduation. I’m sorry, all right?!”
Rylee listened, a little shell shocked at so abruptly receiving the honesty he wanted.
“Charlie, I’m yours completely but only if you stop pushing me away. I’m getting tired of it. But this can’t all be one sided, you can’t just expect me to be here for you in every way you want me to be without being honest with what you want.” He replied sincerely and a small portion of his anger drifted away as he saw the fright in her face. “You need to fess up and tell me everything you’ve been hiding. I’m not going to let you skip out on another graduation or any of that. Do you know how important that was to me? I had a fucking ticket for you, a seat saved, just in case you got your head out of your ass and came at the last minute. I thought you would and you bailed on me. I still don’t know why the hell you left me in Quantico. I don’t understand half the shit you’ve done. Everything about you is a mystery yet you demand honesty from me.”
He shook his head, looking disappointed in her, and took a step back to cross his arms over his chest. “Just... be honest Charlie. It’s time we both grew up.”
Charlie’s face adopted a grotesque frown, and she wavered back and forth as though she were going to burst into motion, though she remained still.
“I said I would pay fer the ticket,” she grumbled. Her mouth trembled, as though there was a riot of words behind her lips and she didn’t know where to start. “I couldn’t make it ‘cause of the...the PTSD. They’d only just diagnosed me, an’ there were really bad days, I couldn’ open the fuckin’ front door ‘cause...’cause I was scared. Scared the accident would happen all over again.” She took a step to the side, starting to pace toward the couch and then back, unable to remain still. It was clear how much effort it was taking her to admit these things.
“Loud noises and shit, lots of people, I couldn’t deal with it. I’d freak an’ I didn’ want to ruin yer day.” She came to a stop, staring directly at Rylee with her arms crossed over her chest, looking for all the world like she was glaring when she felt like if she made another wrong move Rylee would walk out the door and disappear.
Rylee frowned and shifted on his feet after watching Charlie move about. He could feel her dismay from this discussion and her near panic, he wanted to take that away but seemed unable to. But still, she was being honest and he certainly wasn’t going to cut that off. He deserved answers so he was going to persist.
“I didn’t want you to pay for the ticket, I wanted you there. You wouldn’t have ruined my day, Lee. But... but this happened after Quantico. Why did you run out on me then? The PTSD I know you didn’t ask for but it doesn’t explain what happened before that.”
“That was me freakin’ out that you were leavin’ me,” she explained, quietly. Maybe it hadn’t been clear at the time, but it had crystallized throughout the years in Charlie’s mind. Even though they’d always been able to make it work beforehand, having Rylee in the Corps with her had meant more than she had ever realized, at least not until she had thrown it away. He was going through the same experiences as she was, holding the same values, dealing with the same shit. They’d always been able to understand one another, and him being a Marine too just made sense. Throwing that away (at least, in Charlie’s mind that was what it had felt like) was the same as rejecting part of who she was. “I know, it was stupid, but I wasn’t thinkin’, like always. I never fuckin’ think.”
“No, sometimes you don’t think,” Rylee replied quietly, the anger still in his voice. He stared at her, working through all that she had said then decided to prod her a little more for some answers. “You realize now that I wasn’t leaving you, right? Continuing my education seems a little more natural for me than fighting in a war. You know that.”
He let out a sigh and moved against the bare wall of her apartment, leaning against it and keeping his eyes on her. “Why didn’t you tell me about the PTSD and the attack? What happened with all of that? You know I would have come to you. You know that. You have to stop pushing away any possible help that I could offer, Charlie.”
“After I fuckin’ walked out like a bitch, I’m supposed to come cryin’ back to yah ‘cause I fucked up on my own? An’ yah would’ve been in the middle of the school year, I didn’ wanna screw that up, ‘cause apparently that’s all I’m good at. I wasn’t in the hospital for that long, anyway.” She watched his movement, starting to pace anew. “One’a the fuckin’ rare times I do think and here I thought I was makin’ the right choice not botherin’ you.”
Rylee let out a sad laugh and shook his head, giving his friend an empty smile. “I appreciate the thought, Charlie, but you didn’t have to. You should have realize that. Did I ever refuse you in the past or make you think that I wouldn’t have helped you? That I didn’t want to? I thought it was always pretty clear that I was here for you. Through thick and thin.
“What happened after the PTSD started? You could have come to me then. I could have tried to help if it was possible.”
Coming to a stop nearer to the couch, she gnawed on her bottom lip for a moment before choosing where to begin.
“They put me on meds, tried to help me get jobs that I could handle. I jus’ didn’ care. You were gone and the military didn’ want me an’ everything was just shit. All the jobs they gave me were sittin’ at some stupid lil’ desk, bangin’ away on a computer or some other shit.
“So...I jus’ got fed up with it.” She was a little afraid to admit the next portion of the story, unsure what Rylee’s reaction would be. “I got some whiskey an’ the rest of my meds an’ jus’ downed everything.”
Rylee’s face was carefully blank, though he stood up straight. In fact, he didn’t even think to react in another way because what Charlie was saying was too upsetting for Rylee to consider how to react. He blinked a few times, coming to the realization that he had to react, then let out a little sigh. “You tried to kill yourself?” His shoulders slumped and he wanted to go to her.
He wanted to gather her and bring her close to him but there was still the stubborn anger from earlier preventing him from doing so. But still, he suddenly realized he had come very close to not even having had the opportunity to get angry with her. This annoyance felt very worthless in the grand scheme of things.
“I already said I was stupid, didn’t I?” Her voice snarled in return, for some reason perfectly willing to defend her own self-destructive streak. A hand brushed back her hair, her feet starting to move again and taking a step away from him when she became unsure of what he was doing. “We both know I don’t think shit through. I was tired, and there wasn’t a whole lot I could think of fer stickin’ around for.
“That’s when this dipshit came into the picture,” she continued, waving a hand back at Jack, who was still patiently and obediently waiting by the couch, thumping his tail hard against the wooden floor upon the sudden notice. “My VA found me face down in a pool of my own vomit and they got me to the hospital. Doctor put me on some kinda list or something for a service dog.” Her words were still angry, but there was a thread of affection there as well, something she would rarely admit to anyone.
Rylee glanced at Jack and smiled slightly before pulling his attention back to Charlie. He observed her then pushed away from the wall. Walking towards his friend he grabbed hold of her shoulders to keep her still. After a moment of simply looking at Charlie he let out a breath and his shoulders slumped. “Don’t ever do something like that again,” Rylee whispered. “Don’t leave me like that. Ever.”
Scrunching his nose momentarily he frowned, a hand absent mindedly beginning to rub Charlie’s shoulder. “Has Jack helped? Is it better now?”
Charlie pulled back, away from his touch. “It’s fuckin’ fine, or doesn’t it look like that to yah?” His hands felt good, really good, but now she felt ornery from his insistent cornering of her. Her mouth was flattened into a line, face nothing but anger. “So is that all yah wanted? That’s it, don’t think there are any other fuckin’ dark secrets hidin’ anywhere.
“No reason to bring up all that shit anyway,” her voice petered out to a mumble; though if she were to be truthful, unloading all of that on the one person a body could assume she trusted did feel good. But her body felt antsy, and her short fuse was lit, ready to blow. It was more than evident that things were already delicate between her and Rylee, and a screaming match made up of her inane complaints certainly wouldn’t help matters.
“I think I had the right to know,” Rylee replied, an edge returning to his voice from annoyance and hurt of her pulling away. Dropping his hands to his side he stood straighter, giving himself every bit of the 6’1” height he was. “If you’re going to point fingers and tell me that I’ve kept things from you, you better own up to your own secrets. But at least we’re finally being completely honest with each other.” He narrowed his eyes for a moment and stared down at Charlie.
Forced to stare up at him, she returned the glare full force before giving an angry grunt and turning around on the ball of her right foot. Charlie stomped back into her bedroom, disappearing briefly before reappearing with her jacket and bike helmet in hand. She made a beeline for her keys on the kitchen counter. “Fine, we’re honest. Hope yer fuckin’ happy. I need a fuckin’ drink.” She swiped the keys and stuffed them into her pocket, turning around only to briefly glare at Rylee once more.
“So we’re back to you storming out, huh?” Rylee snapped, his arms crossing over his chest. “I thought we were trying to be adults about everything.”
“If we’re playin’ at bein’ adults, then I’m gonna get a fuckin’ drink where I don’t have to listen to yer fuckin’ whinin’ anymore, like adults are fuckin’ allowed to,” she snapped back. The words were spoken in the heat of the moment, and she moved from her place by the counter to the front door of the apartment. Her hand opened it easily enough, though she could feel a weight nearly keeping her from walking out - it was an easy, stupid solution, one that gave her an escape whenever she wanted, but she couldn’t deny Rylee’s needling that she was sinking back into immaturity.
“Make sure yah close the fuckin’ door when yah leave, don’t need my fuckin’ dog wanderin’ around the fuckin’ building,” she finished, slamming the door shut behind her in her haste to get away from Rylee and his questions and his expectations.
The slam of the door only made Rylee glare harder. He gave a shake of his head and looked down at Jack who wagged happily. “Your owner is fucking nuts, you know that?” He mumbled to the dog. Jack’s only response was to let his tongue roll out of his mouth and his tail to thump happily. Rylee shook his head once more and moved to the kitchen to dig for a dog treat as a peace offering for the disturbance to the apartment before he headed back to his own.