nishka//loki (nishka) wrote in paxletalelogs, @ 2017-10-16 00:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | loki |
I’m gathering up the truth, and I’m giving it all to you
Who: Nish and Jen
What: Nish makes a decision.
Where: Nish’s apartment
When: Sunday, October 15, 2017, approximately 11pm
Nish stood in the shower, the hot water cascading over her lower back to ease the back pain that always came with cramps. Jen had come over tonight to feed her chocolate and cuddle her on the couch, watching Animal Planet’s ’My Cat From Hell’ until she started yawning. But now that she was alone under the hot spray, things she’d been avoiding all night were starting to come back to mind. She’d already made an appointment to see Sandra, her therapist, tomorrow afternoon, but she wasn’t the only person she needed to talk to about what was bothering her. She let out a heavy sigh and shut off the water, towelling off and slipping into her cotton pajamas before heading towards the inevitable.
Jen was already lying in bed, curled up reading her book. She looked up with a radiant smile, but then frowned slightly at the look on Nish’s face. “What’s wrong?” she asked, “pain meds wearing off?” Nish bit her lip and shook her head, closing the distance between them and sitting cross-legged on her side of the bed.
“I need to talk to you,” she said, sounding like she very much didn’t want to. Jen caught the tone immediately and marked her place in her book, setting it aside and sitting up to face her.
“You know you can tell me anything,” she encouraged, a sympathetic frown creasing her brow. Nish nodded and forced herself to look at her.
“I know, and...I haven’t. Something’s happened, and...recent experience has taught me that not telling you is just as bad as lying to you.” A brief and painful flash of Rafe’s disappointed face kept her from backing out right then and there. Her throat burned, and she swallowed thickly.
“I...saw my ex the other day,” she said carefully.
“Yeah, at the restaurant with his boyfriend…”
“No,” Nish shook her head, realizing her mistake too late. “No, not Rafe...this is James.” Jen had to think about that one for a moment. Nish had told her about a lot, and she had briefly spoken about the men in her life who had left her scarred in their wake.
“He’s...the doctor…?” she asked hopefully. Nish nodded, a small laugh escaping to clear a little tension.
“Psychiatrist, yeah,” she said. “He’s back, and...he just moved into my building.” There was a silence between them for a moment as the news sunk in.
“And...how do you feel about that?” Jen asked gently. Nish chewed on her lip again, twisting her hands in her lap with nerves.
“That’s just it...I don’t know,” she said. “Or...I mean, I should be mad, right? I should have just...yelled at him or walked away or...anything. He cheated on me, four years ago. I should be over that, right? Moved on?”
“...but…?” Jen supplied after a long silence. Nish met her eyes, hers glistening with emotion.
“But instead I’m just confused. I didn’t yell at him, I didn’t hit him...I went to his apartment to hear him out.”
Jen was very careful not to react to this news at all. An ugly spike of jealousy had woken inside her at those words, but she forced it not to show on her features. Instead, she met Nish’s eyes, and removed all judgement from hers. “What did he say?” she asked, just as careful to keep the jealousy from her voice.
Nish sighed and rubbed her face with both hands, finally sitting back a little and looking up to try and stop tears from forming. “He said he never cheated on me,” she told her, “that it was a lie he’d had to tell me, because he’d been trying to protect me.” She met Jen’s eyes once she felt she was strong enough not to start weeping. “He spent the last three and a half years in Witness Protection; apparently he just testified and now he’s free to return to his old life.”
Jen sat in silence for a minute, absorbing the information that she was sure Nish had been agonizing over for days. She could tell from the tone of her voice that she believed what he said. “And you were afraid to tell me, because you still have feelings for him,” she finished for her. Nish’s eyes snapped up to hers, a look of alarm and guilt confirming what she’d just said.
“Jen, I-”
Jen shook her head and took Nish’s hands in hers. “Nish, I know you,” she said softly, “we’ve been together for months. You’ve told me things about your life, about your past...I feel as if I understand you. You feel things, deeply, and that’s why it’s so hard for you to let go when relationships end badly. You still have feelings for Rafe, and you’ve both moved on,” she said with a little smile, which Nish returned, though through a sheen of guilt.
“You’ve told me about James,” she continued. “You told me how much you loved him, and how it killed you inside when he ended things. And I know that means you still have unresolved emotions there. And if what he said is true…” Nish’s fingers tightened around Jen’s, her throat tightening even more.
“I have to know,” she finished, nodding. “I’m so sorry, Jen...but...if there’s even a chance it’s true…”
“I know,” she said, lifting one hand to gently cup her face, wiping away a tear that finally escaped. “And I’d rather you tell me now, than for me to have to find out later. I’d rather we part as friends than for you to resent me, or me to become jealous and bitter.”
“I’m so sorry…”
Jen leant forward, pulling Nish to her in a tight hug as the other woman cried on her shoulder. “Don’t be,” she soothed, “and we’re not done, Nish. We started out as friends...I don’t want to give that up. I just want you to be happy.” Nish clung to her tightly, sobbing as the jumble of emotions she’d been trying to keep bottled up all week finally leaked out of her and into Jen’s nightshirt. Eventually they ended up curled up together in bed, and Nish slept better than she had in days. In the morning they shared a very pleasant breakfast, and then parted with a hug, as friends.