I know I had you all concerned Who: Nish [Loki] and Jocelyn [Hel] What: Dinner between friends, and things that should have already been said. Where: Cucina Enoteca When: July 5, 2017, about 7pm
After texting back and forth ‘what do you feel like’ ‘I don’t know what do you feel like’, Nish finally settled on Italian and made the reservation at work this afternoon. This was a new restaurant for her, but the menu looked excellent and it had good reviews online.
Stepping into the place, she was pleasantly surprised by the light and airy atmosphere. She was quickly seated by a cheerful looking server and handed two menus - one for dinner, and one for drinks. She took them both with a smile, but once she left Nish’s smile fell as she looked at the leather cover. WIth a sigh, she flipped open the drinks menu, glancing over the very large variety of wines and cocktails that were available for the asking. She chewed on her lip as her eyes fell on a few of her favourites. She’d been sober for almost two months. Yes, she’d had a drink or two socially in that time, with no ill effect, but part of her was still nervous at the idea of alcohol, knowing how easy it would be to go too far.
She was still mulling it over, waffling between a long island iced tea and a glass of wine when she heard Jocelyn being shown to her table. She looked up and smiled at them, and the server took out a little notepad from her pocket.
“Would you like to start with drinks?” she asked, glancing at the menu in Nish’s hand. After a half-second hesitation, Nish closed the menu and handed it to her. “I’ll just have a coke, thanks,” she said, turning her attention on Josie.
“And you, miss?” the server asked Jocelyn. She smiled and slid into her seat. “Just some ice water for now, please.” The server nodded and moved on, leaving Jocelyn to get settled. She set her purse on one of the empty chairs, tucking it under the tablecloth.
“I see you managed to survive Rob’s visit. Better question - did he?” she asked with a grin.
Nish smirked and nodded, “Ohh yeah, he made it to the airport in one piece,” she said lightheartedly. Yesterday had been...not entirely uneventful. She was still kind of pissed off at his behaviour while they were out; constantly testing her to make sure she was, in fact, sober, grilling her about her personal life. She knew it was coming, and even expected it from him, but it had rubbed her the wrong way all the same. Part of her had been hoping he would just take her word for it and trust that she’d turned over a new leaf this time, but the other part wasn’t at all surprised.
“So how did the cleanup go?” she asked, changing the subject away from things that would piss her off. “And what happened, exactly?”
Jocelyn groaned. “Oh, lord, don’t even ask. I think I must have lost at least a layer of skin to the cleaning chemicals. It smells like a pine tree exploded in there now…” she paused, thoughtfully. “Which is definitely an improvement.”
Nish chuckled a little and then opened her menu, letting her eyes dance down the page for a moment. She noticed that Jo seemed to be sidestepping the whole ‘what happened’ question, but her curiosity was piqued. “So you don’t have a cat to blame the mess on...do you know how it happened?” she asked casually. Anything to delay the inevitable conversation they were going to have after Rob’s visit. Her eyes paused on one of the dinners, mulling it over as a possibility.
“Not a clue.” Jocelyn picked up her copy of the menu and glanced through the offerings...and the prices. She chuckled softly, and glanced over at Nishka. “You know, if you’re going to keep trying to dodge your ‘ancient obligations’, you should have picked a cheaper place.”
As the two young friends had gotten older, they had fallen into the habit of automatically backing up whatever wild tale the other had spun for the adults. No matter what came out of one girl’s mouth, the other would vouch or stay silent, never letting slip their own ignorance of events. And in exchange, once the encounter with the ‘authorities’ was over, all the details would be shared out, usually over junk food.
Despite all the years that had passed since, it was clear to Jocelyn that Nishka hadn’t forgotten the rules. Whether or not she was going to try to weasel out of paying up...now that was a different question.
Nish grinned at the reminder of their pact, “dinner’s on me,” she said with a nod, flipping a page in the menu and stopping when she spotted what she wanted. “I’m thinking Caesar salad and cannelloni,” she said, looking up at her. As always, when it was her turn to divulge, she tried to avoid it as long as possible, even though it did nothing but delay the inevitable.
“I don’t know...is that ‘heart healthy’?” Jocelyn asked, pointedly quoting Rob, as she continued to flip through the menu, her attention focused on it rather than Nishka.
Nish winced at the words. She’d been expecting her to bring it up, but the way she did it was a little jarring. She supposed that was fair. “Like I told Rob, I’m not on a restricted diet,” she said, though knew full well that wasn’t the answer Josie was looking for. She sighed and let her menu fall closed in front of her, leaning slightly closer across the table. “I should have told you,” she said. “It’s just...it happened before you came, before we were back in touch. I had to tell him, after it happened, but...I guess I just forgot to tell you.”
Jocelyn waved one hand. “You don’t have to apologize. Just bring me up to speed.”
Nish gave her a grateful smile, but leant subtly forward, closing part of the space between them. “I...a few months ago, I went through a bit of a rough patch, you could say,” she explained, worrying the edge of the linen napkin in front of her. “I was still with Rafe, and...well, I was also sort of involved with Abel,” she added, another wince creasing her brow. “Things went bad. Abel got ahold of my diary and published it all over the lobby of our building. Everyone hated me, and...I couldn’t deal. I was still using at the time, so...I took all the coke I had left...and a bottle of vodka...and a bottle of aspirin.”
The whole time she’d been speaking, her eyes had been fixed resolutely on the dessert spoon lying on the tablecloth in front of her, but now she lifted her eyes to Jocelyns to gauge he reaction.
Throughout her friend’s explanation, Jocelyn had sat back in her seat, her expression thoughtful, and carefully neutral. She took a sip of water. “I’m glad someone found you and got you some help.”
A barely-there smile tugged at Nish’s lips at the comment. “At the time I was angry, after I woke up. I really wanted to just…” she stopped, biting her lip. “Anyway, I’m finally at a place where I can agree with you.” She sat back in her chair and took a deep breath, sighing it out slowly.
“After, in the hospital, the doctor told me that the coke had damaged my heart; a result from a mild heart attack.” She gave her a humourless smile. “I was wearing a monitor for a while, and I’m on medication, but I still have bad days sometimes. That day, when I cancelled on you...it was the day after an…episode,” she said, pulling a name for what happened out of the air. “I should have told you then, but...I guess I was afraid of what you’d say. If I explained that, I’d have to explain all of it, you know?” She was about to continue when the waitress stepped up to their table and set down their drinks, cheerfully asked for their order.
“Ohh, uhhm...I’ll have the caesar salad, dressing on the side, and the cannelloni,” she said, then handed her menu to the server and looked to Jocelyn.
“I’ll have the mushroom pizza with prosciutto, and an aquazul,” Jocelyn added, naming the restaurants non-alcoholic take on a mule.
She waited for the waitress to leave before continuing. “Are you getting help from someone now?”
Nish plucked the lime wedge off the rim of her coke and squeezed it into her drink, mindfully stirring it with her straw. “I was. I mean...I was seeing a therapist for a few weeks right after it happened. I’m seeing a different one now, but once a month, and I’m under doctor’s supervision for my heart condition.” ’And I can talk to Jen,’ she thought, but couldn’t say. She didn’t want to give Jo the wrong idea, that she’s not talking to her because she doesn’t trust her. It was just...she found it refreshing talking to someone who doesn’t already know her whole life, who she had to explain it all to and get a fresh reaction from. They’ve had a lot of long, in depth talks, mostly about herself, but about Jen and her life too. They soothed her in a way she found hard to explain.
Jocelyn took a sip of her drink, enjoying the summery combination of strawberries, mint, and ginger. She smiled at Nishka. “See, that wasn’t too excruciating now, was it?” she teased. She set the copper mug down with a clink and met Nishka’s eyes, expression suddenly serious. “I’m not going to ride your case about this, just…” She sighed. “Just promise me that you’ll talk to Jen, or me, or someone you trust if you start feeling like that again?”
Nish nodded, looking into her drink. “At the time, I had no one. But now…” she paused and looked up at Jo, smiling softly. “I don’t. Rob doesn’t know about this, not about why I was in the hospital, and I was hoping to keep it that way.” The last thing Rob needed was to hear about yet another suicide attempt from her. “I could barely convince him I’m sober now, convincing him that I’m no longer suicidal would be impossible.” He’d come down here again if he ever found out. And this time, he wouldn’t leave.