I Am Falling Who: Nish and Loki What: Nish weighs her options with a little help from Loki. Where: Dreamspace When: Tuesday, March 14, 2017
“Where am I?”
“Where do you think you are?” Loki was standing over her, lying on a hospital bed with a plethora of monitors beeping softly nearby. Looking down, she saw that while she wasn’t hooked up to any of them, they still seemed to be monitoring her, though she couldn’t read any of them.
“I don’t...is this a dream?” she sat up, looking around the empty and featureless space, save for the bed and the nearby equipment. His eyes caught hers, and she saw what looked like a mixture of sadness and anger.
“Not exactly.” He sat next to her on the bed. “How much do you remember?” She closed her eyes, searching, her frown deepening.
“Abel...he…ohh god…” Images came flooding back to her of Chris barging into her apartment, the paper he brought with him, their fight; her frantically trying to tear down all of the pages in the lobby before anyone else saw them; hateful texts flooding her phone from people she knew and some she didn’t; the emails from clients dropping her from their cases. And then the coke. The alcohol. The aspirin.
“I’m in the hospital?” she asked, looking around in a detached sort of way. Loki nodded, his face grave. He peered at the monitor behind her.
“It doesn’t look good. You really did a number on yourself.” As if on cue, her stomach pained her. She could feel the shadow of a tube down her throat, a needle in her arm. “You need to choose.” She looked up, confusion in her eyes.
“Why?” she asked honestly, a hint of anger now colouring her voice. “It’s not a choice; there’s nothing left for me out there. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it? It’s all gone.”
“What about me? Do you take no account of me?”
“You’ll find another,” she protested, looking away. “I’m obviously not strong enough for you.” He stood from the bed, frustrated, turned away from her.
“I didn’t spend all those years with you, all this time, just for you to throw it away like this. I thought I’d taught you better.” She frowned at him.
“It’s my life, not yours. I’m in charge.”
“And how is that working for you?” Loki shot back, his voice rising in irritation. “Tell me how your winning life-choices have led you to a better outcome than mine could have. Go ahead.”
“They were my choices to make, not yours.”
“And now you’ll kill us both.” He stalked away from her, back to her, raging so much that ice crystals started to form in his hair. Suddenly they both looked up. Two doors opened up in front of them. Unlike in her other dreams, these ones weren’t dark voids, but light, bright white like the rest of the featureless nothingness they were in. Also unlike her other dreams, they weren’t identical; one was ringed with silver, and the other with gold. And she knew immediately where each of them led. She swallowed nervously, rising from the bed and moving to stand beside Loki.
“Is that what I think it is?” he asked her. She took a deep breath, staring at the doors, realizing that he didn't have the same certainty about them as she did. Because they weren’t meant for him.
“What are you going to do?”
She smirked a little. “What, you’re not going to fight for your host? I thought you liked this body.”
“It’s no good to me dead.”
“That’s not much of a plea, Loki,” she said, using his name aloud for the first time. She turned and looked at him. “I remember now. All of it. And I remember that you were always there, always guiding me. Where were you this time?” If it was possible, he looked ashamed.
“I tried, Nishka, I did. I underestimated him. And you.” She sighed and looked away, eyes suddenly red and glassy as she turned to the silver door.
“There’s nothing left for me. He took everything.”
“You still have me.”
She looked up at him. “I remember what you said. When grampa died. Told me you’d look after me. You said you’d keep me safe.” He sighed and met her eyes.
“I can’t protect you from yourself, Nishka. You’re so willful, but that’s what I like about you. We could accomplish so much together.”
“How?” she begged him, feeling six years old again. “Everyone hates me. My friends have abandoned me. My job and my reputation are in ruins. What can I possibly accomplish now?”
“You still have me,” he repeated, a little more firmly. Loki stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her in a comforting hug. After her sobs subsided, he let her go, but kept his arm around her shoulders, guiding her with him through the left portal. The one ringed in sunlight.