Tad Kennedy (![]() ![]() @ 2022-01-01 16:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | kaori, tad |
when the helper needs help
Who: Tad / Kaori
Setting: Kaori's office
Tad had left Sierra with Grams, watching an old movie and eating popcorn, claiming he had errands to run. Which he did, but the first stop was the most important and he was willing to give up all the others if this took longer than he would like it to. He knocked on the doorway to her office, leaning on it after and watching her work. “Have a few minutes?” he asked, hoping she did.
Kaori looked up at the knock and smiled brightly. “Tad! Of course I do, come in!” she greeted, clearly genuinely happy to see him. She put her notes on Guy away, and stood up to properly greet him. “How are you doing? Want some tea and cookies?”
Tad stepped into her office, shutting the door behind him before shaking his head. “No, I’m fine, just...wanted to talk. But not about me, so I’m not sure if that’s okay.”
“Go ahead, dear, what’s going on?” she asked, concerned. She moved away from her desk to sit on the chair she unusually took, to give Tad her undivided attention. Must be serious if he was here to talk to her, he wasn’t an alarmist.
Tad dropped into his usual spot on the couch, elbows on his knees. He tangled his fingers in his curls for a moment, then looked up at her. “It’s Sierra. I’m worried about her. She’s...quiet, which is not like her. She usually has an opinion on everything. And sometimes she goes quiet when she’s mad or doesn’t want to say the wrong thing, but this has been going on for a lot longer than that. It feels like she’s shutting down and it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know what to do to pull her out of it.”
Kaori listened, and gave him a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry to hear that," she said first. "If she is withdrawn in a way you find alarming, it likely is serious. Was this triggered by anything you can put your finger on, or was this out of the blue?"
“I can make you a bullet point list of things. We got sent to the alternate plane without her, she was possessed by another version of her, from there. Then this last fight. We watched our friend get really close to dying and then...he was something else.” He rubbed his hands over his face. “A lot of things. So many things. And I don’t...I don’t want her to explode.”
Kaori nodded, looking wholly sympathetic. “...can I ask how you are handling all of that? It’s certainly a lot.” More than most people ever had to deal with in their entire lifetime, let alone in rapid succession. But that was why she did what she did, why she specifically helped people who got wrapped up in supernatural shenanigans. Because you couldn’t walk into any other shrink’s office and say those things without immediately being labeled as delusional.
He let out a breath, shrugging. “Fine, I guess. I mean, it was shitty. Being away from her, meeting that dead version of her that was so hurt. Then almost losing her just because I was patient with that version of her.” He shifted and then tugged at his shirt, pulling the collar so he could see the mark that Caleb had left on his shoulder and arm. “This is new too, but I’m not entirely sure what it means.”
She noticed that everything he said was a deflection. Not that she was surprised, Tad could do a Ted Talk on the subject. It had been why it had been difficult to counsel him in the past. His default position on life was to filter everything through other people, not himself. A lot was centered around Sierra. Kaori frowned slightly and leaned closer. “May I get a better look?” she asked.
He hesitated for a moment, then pulled his arm out of the longer sleeve and took his shirt half off. She’d seen his scars, one of the few people who had, but he still always hesitated in showing them to people. He turned so she could see his shoulder where the black roses had bloomed across his shoulder and the thorny vines looped around his bicep. “He says he Marked me, but we’re still figuring out what that means. But I know it means I can see better, hear better. Not...not like the wolves. But better than before.” It made his aim truer and his perception better, which he was fine with. But the new mark, that was something he was still getting used to.
Kaori didn't touch him, but got a good look. It had an energy to it, for sure. Looked like a healed tattoo. "This is something I haven't seen," she said, which was new for her. "How are you feeling about that?" She asked, because this was pretty wild.
“Me either. I’m not sure what he even is now, but he’s not what he was before,” Tad said with a shrug of his marked shoulder before slipping his shirt back on again. “Curious? I’m not mad about it, not really. He’s grown on me, as a person. But I also know it freaks Sierra out.”
'What he is now' was concerning, but she nodded anyhow. "Perhaps finding out more from him would help ease her mind," she suggested. "You said she was possessed, tell me about that."
“I will. It’s just...I’ve been too worried about her to think about anything else. The mark’s not going anywhere. It can wait until she’s less...whatever she is right now.” He let out a big breath and leaned back on the couch, tipping his head to look at the ceiling. “I think that’s my fault. When we were over there, the other dimension? I met the her that was there. But she wasn’t really much like my Sierra. That girl died years ago. When Bash saved her life, but he wasn’t there for that version. I don’t even know if he existed.” He pressed the heel of his hand into his eyebrow. “And I felt bad for her. I talked to her. In a way, I guess I have a soft spot for her regardless. And when I came back...she managed to follow. And waited a breath before she tried to take Sierra’s place.”
He went quiet for a moment, but it was a pause that meant that he wasn’t done speaking. He tugged at his curls before leaning forward. “Ky didn’t catch it right away. They’d been sort of on edge since the whole thing and he was distracted. He thought she was just being a bitch, which she was, but it wasn’t his sister. It was that other version.” He shook his head. “She’s...she’s worried that he thinks she’s a horrible person. That he thinks she could be that cold. That disinterested in him.”
She was quiet for a long moment. “Tad,” she said softly. “I don’t want to minimize anything happening here, because it’s all heavy stuff, but you’re here for her, and you know that she needs to be here herself. And to talk to her brother, if that’s eating at her. And it’s not going to help her if you deflect everything yourself, too. You’ve just told me a ton of awful things, and how much of it have you let yourself deal with? How did you deal with the other her? You said you felt bad for her, how did you feel when you realized she was here too? That’s not nothing. None of this are things that only happened to her.”
“I know she should be here, but I don’t think she’s there yet.” He looked at Kaori and shrugged. “I haven’t had a chance to do any more than get up every day and make sure she’s doing the same. That she knows I’m there. I’m not trying to deflect I’m just...every time I have a moment to breathe about one thing another pops up.” He frowned for a moment and laced his fingers together. “Terrified. I felt bad for her, I saw bits of my girl in there, but I also knew she wouldn’t let go. It’s not like Sierra isn’t inherently stubborn. And the other one…” He trailed off with a wince. “There’s a reason why she fell in love with me, my version. And the other one...she saw it, how it could happen for her too. But she wasn’t the person I love.”
Kaori had figured as much. Sometimes people just couldn’t get out of their own way long enough to get help, and it was a tragedy. “You know what I’m going to tell you,” she said. “You need to take the time, Tad. You can’t burn the candle at both ends forever, and the longer you put off giving yourself a second to breathe, the harder it’s going to hit you when you crash and burn.” She listened to the rest, nodding slightly as he spoke. “The departed often lack profound amounts of perspective,” she said softly, a tone that suggested that she knew this intimately. Which, she did. She may not be haunted anymore, but she’d been haunted for most of her life by her sister, so she knew how difficult it could be to try and reason with an angry spirit.
“Because I’m so good at taking breaks,” he said sarcastically. He was quiet for a moment, knowing that she was right and while Tad might think he was fine, he trusted Kaori’s opinion more than his own general take on himself. He knew that was skewed. “I’m too worried to fall apart in case she needs me.” He nodded. “That’s an understatement, not that I’ve dealt a lot with them, especially not with someone who was so…I don’t know. I felt bad for her. She deserved better. She deserved to be saved and no one saved her.”
“I know,” she said, voice gentle. “But you need to. Put it this way, if you don’t, and you go spiralling, then you aren’t going to be helpful for anyone. I know that matters to you.” Exhibit A, him being there on behalf of his girlfriend. “A lot of the spirits who hang around very much deserved better than they got. It’s part of what kept them here. It’s easy to have sympathy for them. But that doesn’t entitle them to interfere with the wellbeing of the living.”
He ran a hand over his eyes, keeping them closed and thinking about breathing as the memory of trying to get the other Sierra out of his rushed back. “They don’t, but she just…she was violent and angry and tried to set my house on fire, but she just wanted to be loved. To have what Si and I have. And I hated…I hated sending her away. It was like sending my Sierra away. Telling this broken version of the girl I’d just asked to marry me that I couldn’t love her like she wanted me to broke my heart.”
Kaori looked at him with understanding, and her heart went out to him. "Tad, it wasn’t your fault, or responsibility. I know it feels like it, but this wasn’t on you. She wasn’t your Sierra. And even if you could have given her what she wanted, if she tried to burn your house down, she couldn’t have truly reciprocated. Love is something living, that grows between people. She was feeling envy, not love."
“I hate the idea that there are versions of her that never knew this love.” He felt tears prick at his eyes and brushed them away. “I know it’s not, but it was. It’s my fault she followed me. She tried to take over. And it was me that had to convince her to leave. And in all of it, I’ve hurt my Sierra and I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know if I can.”
She watched him. “...honey you can’t take on the sorrow of not just this universe, but all the rest of them too,” she said gently. “It’s impossible to carry, and I’ll remind you that the universe doesn’t pivot on your shoulders. There are other versions of you who found other loves, other versions of her who did too. You just met one that things ended poorly. That doesn’t mean they all are desolate and it’s somehow your fault or has anything to do with you.” She was used to this part of his personality, he internalized to a fault, and sometimes that internalization blew itself out toward a towering unconscious ego that assumed everything was about him or he could somehow have a hand in or be about everything around him.
“And you remember these ones - you are not responsible for what other people do or don’t do, they are responsible for their own choices. Unless you have some psychic ability to take away their free will - and I know you don’t - then it is not your fault she followed you. You did nothing wrong, and there’s absolutely nothing you can or can’t do that can truly be responsible for someone else’s actions. You are not the author of their story. And, how did you hurt her? Are you sure it’s you, and not the circumstance?”
“I know I can’t, but…I can’t stop feeing fucking guilty about all of it. Like…why am I the one that gets to be happy?” He hated the guilt the way it was eating at him. “And I know I’m not responsible for how she reacted, how she handled my kindness, but I’m still feeling guilty over that, because it meant I unwittingly put Sierra at risk. I set up a chain of events that briefly stole her sense of self.” He wrapped his arms around himself. “Responsible or not, I feel bad that that was where things led to.” He sighed and half shrugged, but didn’t let go of his defensive body language. “If I was a major player in it, is there a difference?” It wasn’t a glib question, but an honest one. He wanted to know what Kaori thought, where that line between one or the other was drawn.
“I know sometimes even if you know something isn’t your fault you still feel that way,” she said, because it was true, not all feelings could be rerouted with logic, if they could be, the world would be a much different place. “You didn’t put her at risk, the other Sierra did. Because again - not your fault. You didn’t ask her to do that. You didn’t set up a chain of events, you responded with empathy to someone who was in pain. I’m going to tell you something you might need a minute to absorb - but it’s entirely possible she would have followed anyone who treated her in kind like that. I know you feel that it’s you specifically because of your history with Sierra, but if someone else would have given her attention and treated her the right way, it’s entirely possible she would have latched onto them. Spirits like that, they don’t think things through a lot like we do. For instance - what exactly was her plan? To just take over and expect you to be okay with that? It’s not even remotely logical, it’s all based on a damaged fantasy in her mind, not on the world that exists around her, including you.”
At the last question, Kaori regarded him. “There’s a world of difference,” she told him. “Being part of something doesn’t mean that it’s about you, or that you’re in any way responsible for something. If only being a part of something mattered, then everyone in the world would get painted with the same brush, big groups would all be equally responsible for the fanatics, so on and so forth. You were there and it involved you, but that doesn’t mean that there’s no difference between that and you being a catalyst who caused it all. Intentions matter. Now answer me this. If the circumstances were reversed, and some broken version of you showed up and wanted to take you over because Sierra felt bad for the guy and tried to help - would you blame her for it?”
What Kaori said sunk in, but it hit a different chord than he guessed the therapist meant it to. Because he knew, in his head, she was right. That it could have been anyone. It could have been Ky or Caleb, hell it sounded more like something he’d wade himself into than Tad anyway. But it sunk right to the matter that he couldn’t put his finger on why Sierra was with him. Was she with him because he was one of the first few people who really cared about her, showed her empathy? That made him sad, and made him wonder why he didn’t have an answer to that question. He hadn’t for the poltergeist and he didn’t now.
He loosened his grip on himself to rest his elbow on the edge of the couch, fingers in his hair as he rested his head against his hand. “I would never blame her,” he said, knowing what Kaori was getting at. “But you know I’m biased and blinded when it comes to her.” He twirled his fingers around a few of the curls, thinking about what she was saying. “So if you’re saying that if I wouldn’t blame her, why would I blame myself?”
A tiny frown flickered over her features, having known him for so long, she saw something sideswipe him. "...what did you just realize?" She asked, concerned. "Everyone has biases when it comes to loved ones. It's about not letting them completely warp your view," she added. "And yes. If you wouldn't blame her, you can't blame yourself. It's a double standard that doesn't serve you, or your relationship."
“That Sierra herself might only love me because I showed her the same empathy,” he said, voice quiet. He knew Karori would keep that between them, and if he avoided saying it, she’d wind up getting him to say it anyway. “Over there, the spirit version, she asked me why Sierra was with me and I …didn’t have an answer.”
Well, that was heavy. She remembered just how terrible his self esteem was, and how obsessed with Sierra he was. So for this to be surfacing, it wasn’t good, and was a huge underlying issue. “You feel like you’re being used?” she asked. Because that’s how that boiled down. If she was only with him for what he provided for her, then it wasn’t love.
His head snapped up and he shook it hard enough for the curls to bounce. “No. Not at all. I just…I don’t think we’ve ever talked about what I bring to the relationship. Like what made it me and not…anyone else? When we got together…it was weird and that illusion thing? And I know she loves me. And I love her. But…what is all that based on?”
"Do you think that she isn't as invested as you? That she loves you only because of what you provide, not because of traits uniquely you?" He looked so haunted there for a minute, there had to be a root of deep insecurity.
Tad considered that, then shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t like thinking like that, because it sounds like i’m assuming the worst, but I don’t know. I honestly can’t answer that. I think she is as invested, but the why?” He ran a hand over his face, then back at Kaori. “I asked her to marry me. She…she didn’t hesitate. I’ve been wanting to ask for ages.”
Kaori considered Tad for a long moment, hating to see the struggle here, but understanding where it stemmed from in him. “Congratulations,” she said first, but it wasn’t as exuberant as if he wasn’t sitting there doubting his entire relationship. “Let me ask this - why are you with her?” she posed. “Do you have a definitive list?”
At her question, he looked up, quiet for a moment before he smiled. “Of course I do.” He let out a breath. “She challenges me, makes me think about how I say things, do things. She’s passionate where I’m quiet and calm. She’s stubborn, but always for a good reason. And she’s loyal. If you earn her trust, she’ll burn for you. Or burn down the world around you. She makes me want to be better and she makes me happy.”
She smiled at that. “Sounds like you complement each other well,” she said. “Maybe you ought to just ask her. Then you’ll know without having to try and guess. It’s never a good idea to try and work out someone’s motivations yourself when you can just open up a dialogue with them and get it first hand. It’s how people wind up misinterpreting things. So, if you’re truly lost and it’s a concern of yours, talk to her. You’re engaged, you should be able to have those kinds of conversations. And if you haven’t before, it’s a good time to start.”
Tad nodded, knowing she was right. He should just ask. But that got him back to the original problem. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “She’s not talking, Kaori. She’s never been one to shut up if she’s feeling something and she’s…gone silent. I’m scared for her.”
Nodding in return, Kaori got it. “All the more reason to get her talking,” she said. “If she won’t engage, tell her how much it means to you. Let her know that this is something you need to understand better, that you’re in this together, so, be together. If she still won’t engage, then it might be time to start talking about a house call, or calling in more reinforcements from family and friends. Depression can be crippling, especially if you feel like you’re alone. Reminding her that she isn’t could make all the difference.”
He paused for a moment. “You think she might be depressed?” he asked, a trill of fear in his voice.
She looked just a little surprised, head tilting to the side. “Do you not see it?” she asked. There was no judgment there, he was in the thick of it, after all. So she started lining it up for him. “She’s been through quite a bit of trauma, from what I understand she’s not usually all that stable but her current demeanor is silent and uncommunicative. You said yourself she’s shutting down. These are all pretty textbook markers of depression. Let me ask a question - does she have any hobbies or interests that she hasn’t engaged in since things went sideways? Is she behaving in ways that are unusual in other areas? Either being more distant, or more clingy?”
“Yeah but…” Tad trailed off, frowning. He was going to say there hadn’t been time, but Sierra hadn’t picked up her camera since the last fight. She hadn’t wandered into the darkroom at the pack house, or even looked at the one Tad was trying to put into their house. “She never wants to be alone,” he said softly. “Me or Ky, sometimes Grams, but never by herself.” He laughed a very unamused laugh. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it.”
“Sometimes it’s hardest to see things when you’re the closest to it,” she told him, so he didn’t hang himself too hard on that hook. “But now that you know, all the better. And one positive thing, if she’s sticking with you and Ky, and your grandmother, then at least we know that she still considers you to be safe places. So at least we know that she doesn’t feel completely foundationless. That’s a good thing. It means there’s already a support system in place that still functions on some level. From there, we just need to help build her back up.” Her tone was reassuring, letting Tad know that this wasn’t the end of the world, even if it might feel like that. “It would be worse if she was curling so far in on herself that she was isolating herself. But we aren’t there yet, so…” she gave a little thumbs up.
“You think that can be done, getting her back up?” he asked, hopeful, but cautious all the same. He wanted to be Sierra’s support system as well as he could, but he wasn’t sure how he did more than what he was already doing. “So there’s a way out of it.” He nodded. “Do you want to see her, talk to her? I can get her to go by the pack house. Unless that’s too much of an intervention.”
“No one is beyond hope,” Kaori said with warmth in her tone, a gentle sort of sound. “Not even the man who’s down one leg and was an enemy up until just a minute ago. There’s always hope. We’ll work out what it is will work best for her.” She nodded. “I can see her, but it needs to be her choice. Therapy is a lot like the principals of addiction - you can’t really get help unless you want it. Start with the conversation about your relationship, go from there. Maybe if you get her talking on that front, you can dive into other things too. Just know that it might take time, and she might only be able to handle one thing at a time. But you’re intuitive, and know her well, I trust you’ll be able to feel that out, and she might even tell you she’s done with a conversation if she isn’t up for another leg of it.”
Tad’s look went a little dark. “He almost killed Roxie,” he said, but hadn’t he pushed for Sierra to help save the guy’s life? “He probably did kill Caleb,” he added. Because yeah, the guy had almost completely bled out in Tad’s hands. He nodded though, taking that in and lining up his next steps in his head. He had to talk to her, see what was going on, what he needed to do. “Well, I can usually tell her moods by how hot the room is.” But he did know her. The hard part would be to keep from pushing, making her talk to him, trying to fix her. He knew he was eager to get her back to herself, but with the way Kaori was talking, he was starting to wonder if that was an option.
“I know,” she said with a little nod. She hadn’t known about Caleb dying, but she didn’t ask, since it was well beyond the point right now. “You were raised to be a hunter by your grandmother. He was raised to be a hunter by…well, basically nazis. But even he can learn. Is learning,” she said. She nodded with the rest of it. “Well there you go. You’ll be able to figure out when things are going too far. Do your best, that’s all you can do, and know that you aren’t alone either. And if you need help with her, you have it. This isn’t all on your shoulders, and caring for someone who’s deep into depression like that is hard on everyone. My door will always be open, night or day. And if you need me to make a house call, I can do that too.”
Tad let out a breath, realizing what he was hearing. Matt. He’d had a conversation with the version from the other world, with Caleb, where they reminded that man that he was as much the monster as the ones they hunted. “I hope so,” he said after a moment. “I’m tired of having to hunt people.” His voice was low, but honest. He’d fight monsters all day, any day, but having to go up against people ate at his soul, even if they made the monsters he’d hunted look innocent. He nodded again and pushed up to stand. “Thank you, for that. I’m sure I’ll be here or at least… reach out. Hopefully I didn’t take up too much of your time.”
Kaori’s heart went out to him with that simple statement, and she actually reached out to put her hand over his wrist for a moment. She didn’t have words for that, but she wanted him to know she understood, and wanted that for him. For his watch to be over on that score. When he stood, she stood with him. “Any time, Tad. And you never take up too much of my time. You’re well worth it,” she assured him. Then she held her arms out, an invitation or request for a hug, feeling like he needed it and would never ask for one.
He started when she touched him, not pulling away, but always surprised when someone initiated contact that wasn’t expected. He got what she was trying to convey, that she knew it wasn’t easy. A tiny flicker of doubt was there when she offered the hug, but he went for it, leaning in and giving her a good squeeze. “Thank you,” he murmured, feeling like he was lucky she thought he was worth it, worth all of this.
She hugged him tight, a motherly sort of hug. He was taller than her, though everyone was, but it still held the warmth and affection of a mom, someone who was worried about him, cared about his wellbeing, and would be thinking about him even after he left the office. “Of course, Tad,” she told him. “It’ll be okay.”