[Claire] Hey, I've done enough arguing with people lately to last me for a lifetime. I'm gonna try and be completely in the middle about all this as best as I can. Even if that means risking breaking our record on the Sam and Claire Must Always Argue Scale. It's kind of weird.
Yeah, I know. From her perspective, what I did was flat out murder. I've tortured and killed plenty of demons without really thinking twice about it. That's a whole different subject to debate, but from her position what I did was just as horrible as murdering regular people. I personally don't feel that it's as bad as what Angelus did because he was off doing his thing for God knows how much longer than I have. And, even if that remains irrelevant, his intentions were never very good, were they? I admit to enjoying it. But I refuse to deny that I was purely in it for the giggles. I had good intentions, Claire. Angelus did not.
I'm having trouble seeing the good that's in him. Even now, knowing fully that he's part of our team (or at least the last time I checked, it's all about not knowing when or if he's going to change on us that always has me guessing), I've got my doubts. It's like I keep saying: it's not that I don't want to accept him in Faith's life, it's not that I don't want to acknowledge that he's part of us or, to be fair, more like the Hyperion - since I rarely team up with the Hyperion outside of Faith - but I feel like there's some part of me that simply can not accept him. I've been trying, really hard, and it's just not working. I know that it seems irrational. I know that it's probably obnoxious and cruel and incredibly wrong of me, but there is this unstoppable part of me that refuses to believe that it's truly okay for Faith to be all buddy-buddy with him. There's the halfway point. It's hard to reach, but I've been working hard at getting there for her. And I will. I'll keep trying it, because I don't want for Faith to feel like I'm doubting her judgment or that I want her to be unhappy and friendless and all that stuff that she's gotta be getting out of this, but...look.
Claire, if you were in my position, how would you feel? Angelus hurt her. Here. And in another universe - in another universe, he violated her in ways that I don't even...as her boyfriend, I...it kills me. Knowing what he or not him or alternate not him or whatever did to her. And it's like...I've tried to explain it. I have. I mean, I told her that I was terrified for her and it only led us straight into an argument. Doesn't ever pan out the way that I want it to.
We've both hurt Faith. But I'd like to think that my approach was a little less traumatizing. It can be argued that emotional harm is just as awful as physical, but I'm firm on the belief that Angelus was the worse party between the two of us. I haven't tried to kill her. I haven't tried to torture her. From what I've heard of him, the mental trauma that he likely distributed would have been just as awful as anything else and then there's...other stuff. I think he's awful. Horrible. And, thanks to you, I can see where some of the comparisons are coming from. But that still doesn't change the fact that I'm offended by being put up in the same category as he is all the same.
I'm sorry that he terrifies you, by the way. But at least now you know that you're not alone.
...I'll get on the bed thing. And, uh, any other adjustments you think I should make?