Sam.
I'm not lying to myself. I'm not refusing to see something that's apparently been staring me in the face for the longest time. That? I'm positive about. Maybe you'd rather that, if it turned out we both weren't really thinking about the whole thing in the way we thought, but I'm sorry. That isn't the case. I love you like that. It's pretty much one of the only things I've ever been so sure of in my life.
I never said you weren't hurting, Sam. Never. I never even implied as much. But it's very easy to start thinking a person doesn't care with the way you've been acting since it happened. And that really all comes back to avoidance. You thought it would be easier, but it's been worse. Much worse. But maybe it was working for you. So maybe I should stop being selfish and just let it go. If it makes it all easier on you, then that's what you should do.
I'm not explaining any of those situations to you because I already have, numerous times. And yet you're the one who's refusing to see that, still wanting to make me into the bad guy. That's fine, you can do that. And yeah, I've had my stupid moments when I didn't think before saying something or something like that, but you think I sit back and feel good about it afterwards? That I make the conscious decision to be, as some people would say, a selfish, whiny, dramatic little princess, for the purpose of making you and everyone else around me miserable? Hardly. I try and fix things, and I've made sure that I do in every situation that I fucked up. And yes, I do realize that I've fucked up a lot. A whole hell of a lot. But if you think for even a second that I like doing it or do it on purpose or don't care about making things right, then you're the blind one.
You can't throw money at something to make it better, Sam. Yes, I appreciate what you've done and I will always be gracious for it. I don't know what I would've done without you getting that house, and I don't have the means to go out and get a good job right now, so you saving up is something I'm more thankful for than you'd ever know. And maybe it does make me selfish, but in this case, I honestly don't mind. Because wanting you to be there while I'm pregnant with your child? It's not just for me. You think I want you missing the whole thing? Of course I don't, Sam. Even if you don't want to be bothered with it that closely because you're scared or you just don't want it at this point, it might hurt you later when you think back someday. And I'm talking about the time aside from fighting or prepping for that battle. That's on a whole different level. And right after you broke up with me was different, too. But there's been time inbetween, and you know that. I have people like your family for the emotional support of being pregnant, yes. But it's something different entirely when it's you. It has to be you sometimes. That's all I'm saying. You love me. You care. And if you mean it, then you can do that.
I know you better than most, Sam. So don't even go there. But when you start acting as differently as you've been, yeah, it can start feeling like I don't know you anymore. And I don't want you to be a stranger to me. That would...hurt more than anything, I think.