• Have plenty of time free in the evenings to patrol rooftops and attend team meetings? (Bring your own beer)
• Love the feel of lycra against the skin but can’t go to ‘those’ clubs anymore?
Then you too can follow these simple steps to become a superhero! Choose and combine any of the following qualities to construct your own, individual superhero origin!
1. Become Mega Rich (preferable inherited)
Being a superhero brings a lot of its own pressures without having to worry about having enough change for the parking meter. Bruce (Batman) Wayne never has to worry about receiving a red disconnection notice. Tony (Iron Man) Stark isn’t collecting coupons for a dollar off fabric softener.
Inheriting a vast fortune is often a first step to superhero-dom, and is far easier than having to work for the millions like Reed (Mr. Fantastic) Richards. But this fortune, however amassed, can enable you – the bored playboy – to invest in the underground hideouts, fancy cars and technological gadgetry necessary to take the smack-down to the streets.
Popularised by Batman, Iron Man, Green Arrow, Thunderbolt, Mr. Terrific, Blue Beetle, Captain Britain, Iron Fist and Moon Knight.
2. Watch a Close Relative Being Murdered Nothing motivates a pending superhero more than seeing a loved one gunned down. Superheroes often attribute their mask-wearing fetish to that moment when Granny was mown down in a drive-by or when little Johnny was kidnapped and posted back bit by bit. This tragic event serves a good superhero origin in two ways. One, it puts the survivor on the path to track down the killer, clad in spandex. Two, it removes family members from the home / superhero hideout. It’s much easier to sneak out the window for night patrol without the wife wandering in at the wrong moment.
Trauma victims include Spider-Man, Batman, Robin, Punisher, Cyborg, Martian Manhunter and Daredevil.
A variation of this technique is to be orphaned at an early age without being part of the tragic event. This provides a different set of emotional baggage you can use to sound interesting when exchanging stories with other heroes at those interminable meetings.
The “Oliver Twist” method was developed by Superman, Supergirl, Captain Britain, Hulk, Captain Marvel and Spider-Man again in an inspired combination of family tragedies.
3. Become a brilliant scientist Some superheroes are capable of manufacturing the source of their powers. But rather than share their scientific marvels with the world, they save them for themselves. After all, Nobel Prize winners don’t get as many girls or get invited to the best parties.
Just think how different the world could be if Giant Man lent his formula to farmers to produce super-sized cows and alleviate the food shortage. By giving the Ant Man technology to pest controllers, no house would suffer from termite damage again. Tony (Iron Man) Stark also found a way of travelling across New York at amazing speeds of self-powered flight, but has he channelled the technology into a new commuter system?
Jerks.
Selfish geniuses include Iron Man, Blue Beetle, Mr. Fantastic, Hourman, Giant Man / Yellow Jacket / Ant Man, Starman and (again!) Spider-Man. This guy knows how to check all the boxes!
4. Get someone to give you the super-stuff! Being in the right place at the right time may be all you need. Given an alien ring or offered a scientific secret formula, you can hit the big time riding someone else’s coat-tails. This is a great time saver, using someone else’s time, money and effort to propel you onto the front pages of the newspapers.
If you always manage to squeeze an extra round of beer out of your mates and have been sponging off your brother for years, this is the path for you. Start convincing your best mate that he should get into cybernetic technologies or investigating alien artefacts but make sure you stay on his Christmas card list.
Freeloaders include the rest of the Fantastic Four, War Machine, Wasp, Metamorpho, Green Lantern and Captain America
5. Stumble across a magical wizard or God Sometimes the most powerful heroes have the simplest origins. Merely finding a stick can bestow you with the Godlike powers of Thor. But before you start wandering the countryside picking up anything larger than a twig and banging it against the ground, there are plenty of other magical spirits and deities hanging around just waiting to pass on a magic word that can transform you into a massive powerhouse.
If you want to try this method, rather than hanging around subway stations like Billy (Captain Marvel) Batson in the hope a great wizard will take a liking to you, your chances can be increased by travelling to a place renowned for mysterious powers and a favourite amongst would-be sorcerers and mages.
Yup, Tibet should be able to add the seeking of great power onto its tourism itinerary now, covering distant monasteries and lost kingdoms. If you book quick, you may be able to get a twin saver package.
Championed by Dr. Strange, Captain Marvel, Marvel Man, Captain Britain and Thor.
6. Become a stupid scientist! Sometimes, stupidity can be rewarded with greatness. Doesn’t seem fair, does it. But the risks of this method are pretty high, so I don’t think it should be attempted deliberately. Running onto the field of a gamma bomb test is more likely to turn you into a stain on the pavement than a giant green behemoth, but sometimes luck can be on your side. Having lightening hit your laboratory, splashing exactly the right chemicals over you to generate super speed, is also a long shot, especially if this event is to be repeated when your side-kick comes along. Standing too close to scientific experiments or piloting your unshielded rocket into a cosmic ray storm, sometimes these scientists don’t understand basic safety procedures and Darwinism should have removed them from the gene pool. Yet, fate not only saves them, but puts them in a position of power in the community. Dear God!
But if you want to take scientific stupidity to a whole new level, you can try the method used by The Human Bomb – an undisputed master of this technique. When his lab came under attack, he decided the best way to prevent his new explosive formula from getting into the hands of the Nazis was to drink it. Yup, he drank the explosive formula when most of us would pour it down the sink. But hey, it worked. The Human Bomb may neverr be able to touch anyone again without blowing their head off, which certainly crimped his social life and makes him a rather frustrated young man, but at least he always has a table to himself in the bar. Scientists who need to return their qualifications include Spider-Man (again!), Hulk, the Fantastic Four, the Human Bomb, all versions of the Flash and Kid Flash (these guys should never be allowed in a lab again – they’re lightening magnets!)
7. Train to super-fitness Yeah, and you thought pilates was a waste. If everything else fails, you can still hone your own fitness and acrobatic skill in the hope of being able to stay one step ahead of the bad guys.
Training to Olympic standard in the basement isn’t easy though. Bruce Wayne travelled the world to be trained by the best athletes and fighters he could find. Iron Fist needed an oriental sensei to teach him to develop his killer blow. Even Daredevil was coached by Stick, and sparred with ninjas to develop his particular acrobatic fighting skills. It may not be enough just to get a couple of Aerobic DVDs and an Ab-Cruncher exercise machine.
Gym junkies include Daredevil, Thunderbolt, Batman, Hawkeye, Bucky and Green Arrow
8. Come from another planet Okay, this one may be a bit difficult for most of you. But if this really appeals to you, why not try challenging your parents to tell you where you really came from? After all, that large craft they keep in the basement can’t really be a kennel for Rover, can it? On other planets it seems everyone is born with amazing powers. Must be boring when everyone you know can also fly, use heat vision or shape-change. How do you become a superhero there? Talk about pressure. No wonder some of them migrate to Earth.
As demonstrated by Superman, Martian Manhunter, Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Starfire, and all of the League of Superheroes.
A variation on this method is to come from a part of earth that may as well be another planet, like Atlantis or the Savage Lands. Extra points are added if you can slip a hyphen into your name somewhere for extra weirdness.
Pioneered by Aquaman, Arion, Warlord, Sub-Mariner, Ka-Zar.
9. Greatness from birth Okay, so your parents insist you didn’t come from another planet and that thing in the basement really is a kennel. But there are still possibilities here. With the right parents, you may have been born a mutant.
That’s right. Every year hundreds of potential new superheroes are born with incredible powers without having to worry about any of the other tricks on this list. Too easy, huh? Okay, being a mutant has a downside as most of mankind wants to hunt you down and kill you, but you qualify to be an X-Man. How freaking cool is that?
Start quizzing your Mum on whether she stood close to the microwave when she was pregnant. Research if your Dad ever worked part time in a nuclear power plant. If your parent’s failed to give you the genetics you were hoping for, you may want to reconsider technique number 2 again. Lucky bastards include all the X-Men and all the Inhumans.
10. Die If you’ve tried all the above techniques and exhausted all the combinations, there is only one possibility left – but it’s not the ideal choice.
Death has been the road to spandex for a small handful of heroes. It should be murder and, if possible, at the hands of a villain really asking to have his butt kicked by a vengeful ghostly entity. This way, if you do happen to stumble across a powerful god-like spirit in the afterlife with a twitchy resurrection finger, you can appeal to his sense of justice to let you carry out some rightful smiting.
Sadly, dead heroes don’t get much press. After all, most people won’t ever know you exist, can’t see you and wouldn’t believe it if they did. So you can give up hoping for girls and Hollywood parties.
Taking the last resort are the Spectre, Spawn and Deadman. Simple, huh? Of course there will always be some heroes finding new variations on the above. Some toyed with serious accidents and rebuilding themselves as Cyborgs (Cyborg, Robot Man) but it never caught on.
And then there’s the Black Condor – raised by birds who taught him to fly. If that wasn’t original enough, he went on to create a secret identity by replacing a missing senator to whom he bore an uncanny likeness. And no one suspected a thing. Genius. The undisputed winner of the superhero origin is Spider-Man. This guy checks no less than four of the above methods – one of them twice!
There’s just time for the necessary disclaimer. I bear no responsibility for any accidents or injuries incurred by attempting the methods suggested in this article. Particle Accelerators are not playthings and hiring hit men onto your parents bears a large legal risk. But used wisely, these methods can turn you into a paragon among men, an Amazon among women. Plan your superhero origin properly and you too can have your own parking space outside the Hall of Justice.
(ooc: Totally plucked this from here , for I do not have the rest of my natural life to write something like this by myself. But Harth is pretty sure that he does.)