Entry tags:

~number eight (notinorder), ~sydney sage (passionateaura)

WHO: Sydney & Eight
WHAT: Important conversation
WHEN: Wednesday evening
WARNINGS: discussion of eating disorders
STATUS: Closed, Complete

During the week of being effectively snowed in at the community center and seeing three new babies born to increase the island population, Sydney had the chance to do a lot of thinking about her place here and what she wanted to do to really be of service to Arva. Yes, her work in the garden was important and she knew that, but after being here for going on five months, she felt like it was probably time to contribute in a more tangible way.

She and Eight had briefly touched on the idea of having a baby together when the time came and there wasn’t anyone else she could imagine taking that step with, but it was still terrifying for her in a lot of ways because of the way pregnancy would change her body. Sharing those concerns with him wouldn’t be easy, but she knew that if they were actually going to do this, she had to trust him completely and be open and honest with him.

When they were wrapping up for the day in the gardens, she asked him if he would come by her shelter later, after dinner at the community center, so they could talk. She managed to get in a quick shower before dinner so she could head back right after eating and wait for him to arrive.

***

Eight knew that there was something bothering Sydney, and it worried him. He didn’t know what it was, and that made it almost worse somehow. He just knew that she was upset, and if she didn’t come out and tell him why he wasn’t going to know. And he wanted to know, so that he could make it better. She was his oldest and dearest friend here - on top of everything else she was - and he’d have done practically anything to ease whatever was troubling her.

After dinner, he made his way to her shelter, announcing himself before coming inside, sitting on her floor, legs crossed.

“Hey, what’s up?” He said, concern in his green eyes. “You okay?”

***

“I’m fine,” Sydney said, even though it wasn’t entirely true. On the surface, she was okay. She wasn’t ill or in any sort of danger or anything like that. It was more that she had issues she had never discussed with anyone before and wasn’t even sure how to begin discussing. The closest anyone ever got to actually calling her out on her disordered eating was Rose in Russia, but she managed to shut down the conversation before it really got started.

She was sitting on her bed since it was the only furniture she had and she patted the spot next to her. “Sit with me,” she said. “I wanted to talk to you about something. I mean, it’s something we’ve kind of talked about, but I figured we should talk more.”

Yes, she was babbling which was unusual for her, but she was nervous.

“Do you still want to have a baby for Arva?” she asked. That was a good place to start. If he said no, then she didn’t even have to get into her other issues.

***

The fact that she was nervous made Eight nervous. Really nervous, actually. He looked at her for a long moment before sitting down himself beside her, and taking her hand. Maybe she just needed some support for whatever it was she wanted to say? It wasn’t like Sydney to be so...unsure of herself.

At her question, he raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about that, and the more I do, the less strange and scary it seems. And, well...maybe it’s stupid, but I’m one of the last of my people left. Maybe we should? I mean, if you want to?”

Was that what this was about?

***

Having Eight holding her hand did help lessen her anxiety a little. “I think I’d like to,” Sydney said. “I’m not ready to be a mother though.” She would go through the pregnancy and give the infant to Arva to raise, but she couldn’t even consider raising a child herself at this point. “Would that be okay with you? Giving the baby to Arva?”

Again, it was a question she could ask without revealing what was really bothering her. If Eight wanted to raise his own children, then he would need to find someone else to bear them and she could avoid this conversation until she found someone else that she would consider having a child with.

***

“No, I’m not ready for that either,” he said. On his planet, he wouldn’t have to be raising children for years and years yet, as their practice was that the grandparents always raised their grandchildren, not the parents themselves. Giving the baby to Arva was, in his opinion, an acceptable alternative to that.

“And yes, I am. That’s what I was kind of expecting to do,” he nodded.

***

Part of Sydney was glad that they were on the same page about the whole idea, but another part of her kind of wished they weren’t so she didn’t have to bring up the next part of why she wanted to talk to him.

She let out a breath and lowered her gaze, unable to actually look him in the eye as she spoke. “There’s one thing that terrifies me about having a baby,” she began. “And it’s the way my body is going to change.” There had probably been clues here and there, like when she wouldn’t let him take her shirt off the first time they fooled around, or the fact that she ate very lightly, but she wasn’t sure if he would have put it all together.

“I… I’ve never talked to anyone about this before,” she said. No one except Rose had even ever cared enough to notice. “I have some… issues, I guess… with food and my body.”

***

Eight looked at her blankly for a moment, as if he didn’t comprehend what she was saying. Because really? He didn’t. But thinking about the things he knew about her, and hearing her words made things click in his mind, and he frowned.

He wasn’t an idiot. He knew what an eating disorder was. He knew how people with eating disorders could see themselves as fat when they were nearly starving to death. It was an illness, just like diabetes or alcoholism, and the fact that she couldn’t look at him showed him that she was ashamed.

That was what maybe upset him the most.

He moved a bit closer, squeezing her hand.

“Look at me, Sydney. Please? It’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay, but you don’t have to be ashamed of anything. We can talk about this.”

***

Well, at least he hadn’t run screaming yet. Sydney closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep, steadying breath, and then opened them and looked up at him. She was surprised and pleased when she recognized the look of concern and caring on his face.

“I mean, I don’t really have a problem,” she said. “Just, you know, we spent so much time with the Moroi and they are pretty much genetically perfect. Tall and willowy, like models. And my father always compared me to them.” Even though she was human and much shorter than a Moroi. And even though the Alchemists viewed the Moroi as evil, unnatural creatures.

She was trying to backpedal a little because she hadn’t expected Eight to show such immediate and deep concern. “Anyway, I just… I mean, pregnancy changes your body and I know I’ll gain weight and it will be for a good reason and be healthy, but what if I can’t lose it after the baby is born?”

***

Eight shrugged.

“So what if you can’t?” He knew this was a big deal to her, but he wanted to get across the point that to him, it didn’t matter at all. “Look…” He took a deep breath and tried to think how to word what he wanted to say.

“I’m a shapeshifter. I can make myself look however I want whenever I want. I’ve shifted so many times, and then shifted back so many times I’m not even entirely sure this is what I look like? I think it is. But who knows?” He shrugged. It was something he’d wondered a thousand times, if his appearance was actually his true appearance, or if he’d shifted himself back into what he thought was his true appearance but was actually...off. Or was it? Thinking about it made his brain hurt so he continued on.

“The point is, the way you look doesn’t matter. It’s on the surface. The only part of me that I know is real is the inside. The outside...that’s going to change. We can’t stop it from changing. And honestly, as beautiful as you are, that’s not the part of you that matters to me. He reached up and stroked her face tenderly. I don’t care if you gain a hundred pounds, you’re still going to be gorgeous.”

***

Sydney listened with interest as he explained that he wasn’t even sure if the form he typically presented was how he originally looked. Even though she knew he could change his appearance at will, it never occurred to her to wonder about anything like that. And she knew that what he said made sense. After all, she wouldn’t feel any different about him if he looked different because she was far more attracted to his personality and kindness than his physical form.

It didn’t magically make her issues go away, but she did nod and lean her face into his touch. She did appreciate his encouragement and reassurance.

“I’m trying to do better,” she said. And honestly, she had improved by leaps and bounds during her months on the island. “It just takes time. But I think… I mean, I am ready to contribute by having a child for Arva and there’s no one I’d rather do that with than you.”

***

Eight knew that it wouldn’t magically make her issues go away. Mental issues...eating disorders...they weren’t that simple. But he was glad she’d told him, glad that he knew what was bothering her. Hopefully he could help her, in time, come to terms with that and learn to accept herself for who she was. Because who she was was beautiful - inside and out.

“I’d like that,” he said softly. “I mean, if you’re sure. I’d like that.”

***

“I’m sure,” she said, looking up and holding his gaze so he could see the resolve in her expression. “I’ve been here for almost five months and I’m not planning to go home anytime soon.” If ever. Sydney liked the freedom she had here to live a life without the heavy weight of expectations from her father. The only thing that could make it better was if there was a university on the island.

She leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “And I don’t trust anyone else here the same way I trust you.” Even though she had put herself out there and hooked up with other people, Eight was her first and she felt like they had a stronger bond because of that.

***

Eight had been with other people on the island too, but he didn’t feel the connection with any of them that he felt with Sydney. She was the only one who’d remained his friend, the only one he still hung out with. It wasn’t that it was bad with the others...it was just...maybe a little awkward. Maybe. Or maybe that was all him.

He kissed her back, with a nod.

“Okay. Then we can do that. Um...when do you want to do that?”

***

That was a good question. “Soon,” she said. “Not tonight, but… maybe in a few days?” That would give her a chance to mentally prepare herself for it now that she knew it was a definite thing.

She gave him a mischievous grin. “We could practice tonight though.”

***

He blushed, but returned her mischievous grin anyway.

“I like practicing. I like practicing a lot.”
He’d be glad for a few days to get used to the idea too...especially since pregnancies moved so quickly here.

***