|Cassidy Alexandra Barnes (notbornabarne) wrote in paradisolog,|
@ 2016-04-27 00:07:00
Cassie was incredibly happy to be in this...paradise. She honestly was. It was damn near perfect from everything that she could tell. The only problem with being in paradise was where she'd come from, or maybe the more correct statement was when she'd come from? She'd been on the cusp of death and she knew it. God, she'd been so close to being bitten by one of the un-dead that she had practically felt the stereotypical flash of her life before her very eyes, and then.....the offer had come from the beautiful woman. The offer that she couldn't possibly pass up. Who could pass up the chance to actually live? Cassie certainly couldn't. She wanted to live so badly. Her preference, of course, would have been to live with Sere in a situation much different from the one they'd found themselves in...fighting for survival. Fate hadn't had that in store for her.
Apparently, it had wanted her in paradise with the woman that she loved, but it was so much more complicated than that at the same time.
Sere wasn't the same girl that Cassie had fallen head-over-heels for, or at least not completely. She'd changed, and Cassie understood that it was from necessity. The fact that she'd had to do that, to be that person without her made Cassie feel guilty, though. She should have been faster. She should have been more capable, but the fact of the matter was that she wasn't. She didn't think she could ever be the same type of strong survivor that Chester was, as she was called now, and she wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad one.
She'd always been happy with who she was, but then again she had never been through an apocalypse before either.
And now that that was behind her she couldn't leave the thoughts, or what had happened, behind completely. She'd gotten lucky her first night in paradise, considering Ray's help and being so tired. Tonight, though, she wasn't near as lucky. Her dreams were haunted by ripping flesh, and experiencing the death that she had narrowly escaped. It was after waking up twice that Cassie found herself giving up and needing to move, to....do something, anything. Splashing her face with water seemed like as good an answer to her dilemma as any. It was almost as if she were on autopilot as she padded to the waterfall, leaning near the edge to gather water in her hands to splash her face. The dripping water from her face almost hid the tears that had begun to seep out from the nightmares.
She wasn't normal anymore. She wasn't the old, carefree Cassie. So, maybe those moments leading up to her demise had changed her too? Who the hell knew? Scrubbing her face for a moment before splashing herself again Cassie sat back, trying to get the images of rotting flesh and teeth coming at her...and of Sere's back far ahead of her, safe from the onslaught she had been facing before arriving here. It didn't feel quite as easy to settle down here....and to enjoy the safety, camaraderie, and society building that was going on. Cassie had thought, or maybe wished, that it would come naturally like everything had seemed to before. It hurt to feel the slight struggle here.
Sucking in several deep breaths, the young woman reminded herself that it was okay to feel...weird and panicked and scared still. She'd been through a lot. So, that made it okay? Right? God, she hoped so. It was easier to tell herself those things for Sere....that she'd really been through a lot and that she understood that. It was much easier to tell herself that Sere needed patience and she shouldn't overwhelm her because she had been through so much. It was harder not to expect much more from herself. She wanted to acclimate, and to find a normal life again, so she could be the strong one, for a change. She couldn't even imagine the hell that the woman she loved had been through. She didn't know how things were going to go in general, but she wanted to be strong. And she just didn't feel it, not right now.
A groan escaped and Cassie closed her eyes, trying to fight off the feelings that the nightmares, and everything else, had brought. She needed comfort, and as she buried her fingers into her hair, with her elbows resting on her knees and her knees in front of her chest, Cassie hummed...with none of the proper breath control that she should have when doing anything remotely like humming or singing. It was quiet, and familiar, a song she had hummed and sang to Noah about a million times. Wasn't being in paradise supposed to be easy? Wasn't everyone here supposed to be happy?
Was she screwing things up here? Cassie couldn't help the fear that crept up, worried about the potential of being sent back, despite what Sere had told her about being allowed to stay forever. It was probably irrational, no, scratch that...it was definitely irrational, but it came all the same. She just wanted to settle in and have everything be easy. And she was going to make it happen, somehow, for her and for Sere (or Chester, whatever she wanted to go by). Cassie just wanted to live, so badly. The low hum of Baby Mine wasn't loud enough to carry, Cassie was pretty sure, but it was slightly calming, if only because it was something else to focus on for the moment, to try and distract her from the fears that wanted to reach out, and claw at her like the walkers.
She was safe here. She was going to live and be happy here. She just had to....work through this. She'd do it. She was determined. It'd get easier, she just had to keep telling herself that. It would all get easier. Not everyone got a second chance like this, and she was extremely lucky. So, she just needed to focus on that.