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Tweak says, "Orange is the new blue."

Lydia Martin personifies (eunoia) wrote in paradisolog,
@ 2016-04-25 04:22:00

Entry tags:

~isaac lahey (theprettybeta), ~lydia martin (eunoia)

WHO: Lydia Martin and Isaac Lahey
WHERE: Lydia's old shelter
WHEN: Late Sunday night into early Monday morning
WHAT: Isaac's turn to talk and Lydia's turn to listen and be supportive.
WARNINGS: Angst?
STATUS: Closed, Complete

Peel the scars from off my back. I don't need them anymore.

Lydia felt selfish. She had been feeling selfish, but now she felt especially so, because even though Stiles had surprised her with a picnic that afternoon — which had been lovely and thoughtful and had, admittedly, earned him more than a few brownie points — her biggest complaint about her partner in this endeavor was that she didn't feel emotionally supported. Yes, he was with her holding back her hair for the first round of her morning sickness while he was awake. Yes, he stayed close with her at night so that she felt safe and not alone. But when it came to making her feel good inside, like she hadn't made a terrible decision by subjecting her body to all of these rapid changes that were making her miserable, it seemed like all he could ever do was ask her how to fix it. She didn't know. If she did, she wouldn't need him to do it.

But Isaac had unexpectedly unleashed a torrent of complaints that she wasn't surprised that he had so much as she was surprised that it had actually gotten that bad. She hadn't realized just how much he'd been bottling up and the man had the patience of a saint, but every dam has to break at some point...and Isaac seemed to have hit that breaking point. He said that he'd taken Darcy's bed from her shelter, since she'd gone home and didn't need it anymore, and had moved it to her old shelter that Reese had built for her. He wanted to meet her there and for all the times that he'd jumped to be there for her when she needed to talk, it was absolutely her turn and she wasn't going to disappoint him.

Stiles was sleeping so she was careful not to wake him getting up — something she had learned she was actually very good at if she wanted to vomit in privacy in the middle of the night — and she crept out of the shelter to keep from rousing him when he looked so peaceful sleeping. She was putting him through a lot, she knew that. For every ounce of frustration she had that she didn't think he was doing a good enough job from her perspective, he had to have the same amount of frustration that she was being a nightmare to put up with from his. She knew that it had to be just as exhausting emotionally to be on the receiving end of rant after rant, having to stay up late at night and listen to your friend throwing up for an hour and change every single night; it had to be exhausting for him to feel like he was caught in the middle of whatever stick was still up Scott's ass about her and the fact that she was stubborn and unwilling to forgive. She knew that Stiles was going through just as much turmoil because of her as she was going through because of him, so...the least she could do was let him sleep. She could resent him for not doing enough to help her through this pregnancy emotionally all she wanted, but she couldn't pretend that she wasn't victimizing him probably just as much in a different way. He could sleep. She could be quiet.

She made her way through the jungle still close to camp until she made it to the old shelter and she let herself inside it, climbing onto the bed and sitting, legs folded beneath herself Indian style as she waited for Isaac. It was late enough at night that she thought her morning sickness was probably done for the night, so it would be okay that she was here; she wouldn't have to interrupt the conversation he clearly needed to have to get off his chest to get up and run outside. So, feeling content with the fact that she was feeling better physically — if exhausted — finally, she waited for Isaac to come.

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theprettybeta
2016-04-25 02:12 pm UTC (link)

He seemed relieved when she reassured him but he still looked uncomfortable in his own skin, unsure of what he had done wrong, and when Lydia curled against him that was the only reason he felt like she might have been okay with him wrapping her up in his embrace once more. The way that her fingers twisted into his hair was somehow comforting, as if she was holding him own on earth instead of letting him get lost in his own head. She wanted him there. She was showing him that she wanted him there. It was going to be okay.

She spoke, and at first he looked confused. Isaac had never experienced that before. He had never experience someone being afraid of losing him because they took a chance and dove. His expression softened when she finished and Isaac's arms tightened around her, his hand moving to take her chin and tilt her head up to look at him. "You're not going to lose me," he assured her softly. He didn't know why she felt like she would. It wasn't like anyone was there to pull them apart, right? He wasn't involved with Malia, she wasn't involved with Stil-

...Oh god, was she? No. No she would have told him. Stiles would have told him. Isaac moved in to let his forehead lean against hers. "I don't feel weird," he offered quietly, his hand still on her chin and his thumb moving to brush against her bottom lip. "And if you do... then I'll never do that again. I promise." Which would have killed him. he had just woken up. She had just woken him up. "I'd rather have your friendship than nothing at all, Lydia. This doesn't have to mean anything right now." He didn't want her to feel forced. Coerced. "I just make you happy, right? And that's all I want to do. ...And you make me feel awake. It doesn't have to be anything more than that right now. Just... happy and awake. And here for each other. That's never going to change."

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eunoia
2016-04-25 02:31 pm UTC (link)

Her eyes closed in a slow blink when he pressed his forehead against hers after reassuring her that he wasn't going anywhere. Everything was complicated now and Lydia knew that this water was muddy as hell; there was going to be a lot of slogging before they could swim. But it sounded like he was willing to do that, so she was too. Just...not yet.

Lydia shook her head. "No, I don't...but I feel like I should..." she admitted, brow creasing slightly. "You know? I don't feel weird and I don't feel bad, but I feel bad that I don't feel bad," she sighed softly.

The thing was...the trigger to the reason he'd finally lost his cool about Malia centered around what Lydia perceived to be jealousy at the idea of not being able to sleep with whoever she wanted. ...and if Lydia suddenly became a reason that Isaac didn't want to sleep with her...well. That complicated things. A lot.

"We can't tell anybody," she said and she looked sorry because she felt sorry. It felt awful trying to tell Isaac that they would have to hide. "We can't..."

Lydia took a deep breath and sighed it out softly again. "I don't know where this," she said, finally letting her hand out of his hair to gesture at what little space was between them, "came from, and it doesn't matter how much you want it or I want it, we can't do this until the babies are born. It's too complicated, it's too much. You know? For both of us, it's just too complicated and we have to wait."

She paused, threading her fingers into his hair again as she looked him in the eye. "And I will wait. If you want to. But we can't do this now. If you think things are bad now, imagine...just imagine if people knew." If Malia did, or Stiles...although Lydia had a feeling that Stiles would take it a hell of a lot better than Malia would, since he seemed about as detached as he could get from her which, in his defense, was just as much her fault as his, she supposed.

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theprettybeta
2016-04-25 02:59 pm UTC (link)

There was something holding her back and Isaac wasn't totally sure what it was. She said that she felt bad that she didn't feel bad but... he didn't understand why they should feel bad in the first place. They had finally found a sense of comfort somewhere that they had been searching for for so long, how was that a bad thing?

But Lydia was obviously uncomfortable and Isaac wasn't going to argue with her, not when she seemed so serious. His face did, however, fall when she insisted that they would have to keep it a secret until the babies came, and that made him feel dirty. He didn't understand why, who were they hiding from? Stiles? Malia? Why would they care? Stiles, Isaac was sure, certainly wasn't avoiding sex with other people and neither was Malia, and it wasn't even like Isaac and Lydia were sleeping together. It felt like Allison, trying to keep everything discrete because of Scott, when really... it wasn't any of Scott's fucking business.

"...Okay." He finally agreed with a small nod, caving as soon as her fingers slipped their way into his hair. He didn't like it. But... "If you feel like we need to wait then we'll wait." He looked down at her with a tender gaze as he brushed her hair behind her ear. "It's been a long time since I've had something to wait for. So if that's what you feel we should do, then we'll do it. For as long as we need to." And where did that leave them? If they were keeping it a secret, what was he supposed to do if Malia wanted to sleep with him, or anyone else? Were they exclusive? Where they anything? Was there even a label for it?

"Tell me how you want to do this, and we'll do it. And it came from nowhere," he finally explained, resting into the pillow as he pulled her close again to place his hand in the center of her back. "And it can go anywhere you want, Lydia. ...I just don't want to lose it. Or you."

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eunoia
2016-04-25 03:20 pm UTC (link)

Beyond the look on his face, she could hear it in his tone and she didn't feel good about it, either, but Lydia...had gathered from the private conversations she and Malia had had that there was more to it, on her end at least, than just a baby. Whatever was going on with she and Isaac, it was a hell of a lot more, from her perspective, than was going on between Lydia and Stiles and the last thing any of them needed was even more stupid drama. She looked apologetic. "I think we should," she repeated. She didn't feel like it was her place to tell Isaac anything Malia said in confidence, but at the same time, he had every right to know. So...she tried to compromise.

"I just feel like...I get the impression that Malia's...feelings for you are complicated and delicate and...right now with her pregnant, I can't be the reason for more drama and stress from and for her, I just...can't. So when it's over and the babies are born and we don't have to worry about the negative impacts of stress on a growing child, then I'll be right here and if she doesn't like it, then that's too fucking bad. But right now, I don't want to upset her even more and cause you or the baby more problems when she loses it in the process, you know...?" she asked, desperate for him to understand but worried that he wouldn't; that he would think she was ashamed of the way she was starting to feel about him when that wasn't the case at all.

Her cheeks warmed and she smiled a little, her sunburned nose wrinkling shyly. "It really did, didn't it?" she asked with a soft laugh as she snuggled herself against him, looking back up at him fondly. "We keep doing things the way we were doing them for now," she said and a slightly mischievous smile crept over her lips, "...but now maybe we sneak off like this once in a while when we can. And then when the babies are born, we go all in and see where it takes us, because we'll only have ourselves to worry about, then. ...is that okay, or...?" she asked, suddenly realizing that she probably should ask rather than tell him. "I'm not going anywhere."

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theprettybeta
2016-04-25 03:52 pm UTC (link)

He was conflicted, because Lydia's point would have been legitimate... if he had believed it. He had asked Malia quite recently if she was looking for someone to love or someone to keep and she had told him no, so... for Isaac, that was that. Why would she lie? He wasn't sure if Lydia actually believed that Malia had feelings for him or if she was just trying to... well, hide him, and he was disappointed in himself for not really caring. Isaac didn't know much, but he did know that you didn't let go of a good thing. They came around so rarely, so scarcely, that when they did you needed to grab them no matter what the circumstance. If she was a little ashamed, that was fine. Isaac could be a secret. He would still be happier with her than without her.

"If you feel that way then we'll play it safe. I don't care who knows and who doesn't know, Lydia. I'm not interested in arm candy. ...I mean, in a couple of months you're definitely going to be walking around with me in that shirt but other than that," he flashed her a smile and he laughed when she wrinkled her nose, his hand lifting to brush a finger against the pink skin as he shook his head. "Yeah, it really did. Not that I'm complaining." It was surreal. Lying there with Lydia Martin was absolutely surreal and Isaac couldn't even wrap his head around the fact that it was happening. It made him uncomfortable to think that it was so situational... that if they were back home, she probably wouldn't give him a second glance. But perhaps that was a part of the better world that Arva promised him. Perhaps Lydia was a part of that better world.

"That's how it's going to work?" He let his hand takes it's place on her waist, staring at her with an almost awed gaze. "Sneaking off in the middle of the night? Secret notes, letters that I leave you in a tree or something? I shouldn't even be surprised, I forgot how much you liked The Notebook and shit like that. Yeah, Lydia, that's fine." His eyes flickered down to to her mouth for a second and he leaned in to press a chaste kiss to her lips, shy and testing, as if seeing what it was like to just be able to do that. And god, it was amazing. The way his chest felt light every time he touched her made his head spin, and Isaac was in a completely opposite mood to the one he had arrived with.

"That's okay. That's very okay, Lydia, I don't care. I just want you. ...I have for a while."

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eunoia
2016-04-25 04:04 pm UTC (link)

"I do feel that way," she said softly. "And it's not about that, it's...we talk under filters sometimes and I just...feel like she has more feelings for you than she realizes she does and I don't want to be...that person that makes things go crazy on her when she's still carrying. When the baby's born and it doesn't matter anymore, then I don't want to hide anymore. These next couple of months are going to feel really icky, I feel like, doing it this way, but I don't want anything to upset her so much that something bad happens to the baby and I'm just...trying to be cautious," she insisted.

She'd been attracted to Isaac for a little while, after getting to know him; after talking to him in depth for the first time ever the night of the first bonfire. Lydia had been holding back acknowledging that for a long time. She shouldn't have, in retrospect, but she had. Maybe if she'd just indulged it instead of worrying so much, then they wouldn't be in this mess and everything would've been fine. She blamed herself for that, but she could be upset about it another time. Right now, she just wanted to be calm and relaxed and being around Isaac did that for her. "Me either," she agreed with a twitch of her nose, tickled by the brush of his fingertip against it.

Feigning offense, Lydia swatted at his shoulder. "Hey! You're just lucky I don't have a portable DVD player here. Arva, did you hear that? He's knocking the Notebook and I bet he's never even seen it," she said, raising her voice just a smidge as if literally calling out to the goddess, before she looked back at him in time for him to kiss her again. ...and it was nice. It was really nice to be able to finally do that and not worry how it was going to affect everything else. Lydia smiled.

"You probably won't believe me, but...I've wanted you too. For a while," she admitted in a whisper meant just for him. And then, she kissed him again. It was going to be a long two months, but Lydia decided in that moment...it was going to be worth it.

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