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Lydia Martin personifies (eunoia) wrote in paradisolog,

It was just supposed to be physical, he said and she'd already known that because Allison had said as much, but to hear him say it out loud felt a little like a slap in the face. She was quiet as she listened, because maybe he just needed to get it out. A nod here or there — "you know, she was gorgeous," earned him one — to let him know that she was listening was enough, but Lydia couldn't interrupt him right now. Nor did she particularly want to. She didn't like that he was retelling his painful thoughts while literally sucking pregnancy pains out of her body, but she didn't pull away because Lydia didn't know Isaac very well, but she got the feeling that everything he did, he did it for a reason and she really doubted that taking her pain had anything to do with her in that moment.

Allison hadn't ever said it to Lydia. But she also hadn't ever told Lydia that she loved Scott; Lydia had just known it. She'd told Scott, apparently, but she hadn't ever said it to Lydia. Lydia got the feeling that it was because Allison could just kind of tell that Lydia preferred to shut off her feelings. The redhead didn't like to talk about how she felt. Even with Jackson, they never said it all that often, if at all. Maybe they hadn't even said it at all except that night when he changed from a kanima to a werewolf — something she still didn't understand — and Allison knew that about her. Lydia wasn't a feelings kind of girl when it came to guys. So Allison never talked about feelings, Lydia just...read them from her friend's body language when she talked about the boys. Telling Isaac that wasn't going to help anything, so she didn't, but she could feel her eyes prickling with tears she didn't particularly want to fall. She didn't understand why Allison hadn't reached for Isaac and maybe part of her didn't want to know, anymore, but she was confident that Allison had loved him.

He said he wasn't good enough then and Lydia looked away, attempting to blink back the tears, but all she managed to do was set them loose. She reached up and swiped them away quickly and, thankfully, they were but two rogues. She could identify with that feeling more than she wanted to. Her father left her mother but he'd left Lydia, too. Jackson said he loved her, but he left her, too. Allison and Aiden were dead. Finnick hated her because she wasn't ready to develop feelings for someone she barely knew.

Why was she so goddamned easy to leave?

"I'm sorry that she never told you," she said, her voice tight until she cleared her throat. "And no, she didn't say it to me, but we didn't talk about those things. She didn't say it to me about Scott, either. I'm not really big on talking about feelings she always knew that. So, no. She never said it." But I knew Allison, she thought, pressing her lips together as her chin started to quiver. Maybe they should've been the kind of friends who talked about feelings. Maybe if Lydia had told Allison how much she loved her — and not just in passing or casually, but really how much — things would've been different. Maybe Allison would've listened and trusted Lydia's judgement when she'd told Allison not to find her.

But it was too late now and there was no use thinking about that any more than she already had.