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theprettybeta (theprettybeta) wrote in paradisolog,

At first, Isaac didn't say anything when Lydia tried to reassure him of Allison's feelings. His temper spiked when the words left her but he knew it was because he was tired, and he knew that he should expect to hear something like that from Lydia because she was Allison's best friend. So at first, he just concentrated on sapping her pain away and letting his own mood bounce back from the sudden sour turn it took, and when he finally started to respond he spoke calmly, almost monotonously.

"I know she cared about me." He gave a tired facial shrug, his hands still steady. "I never doubted that. That she cared about me. But it doesn't work like that, Lydia." And how could she understand that? Every relationship Lydia was in, she was in with someone who showed her how they felt. Even Jackson, in the end, gained his humanity because he felt for Lydia so strongly that it anchored him. "It was just supposed to be physical." The confession slipped out of him before he could stop it, but Isaac didn't care anymore. He just didn't care. "Her and Scott were over. Scott was moving on, and I had never been with a woman before. Not because I didn't want to, I just... it wasn't like I was allowed to stay out late. It wasn't like I would ever bring a girl home, I never knew what mood dad would be in. I didn't want to take the chance of someone getting hurt, but then dad was gone. And there was Allison, and she was - I mean, you know, she was gorgeous."

Isaac shrugged softly, his hands moving from her temples to her shoulders to concentrate more on the ache in her back. "So it was just supposed to be physical. But then we started talking and I realized that she wasn't... trying to avoid me. We would just talk. I never just talked. But I did with her, for hours, and then it wasn't about trying to have sex. It was just about being around Allison. I told her that she was important to me but there was never - I didn't get that confirmation. I just thought she was reserved, you know? And that was fine. Even when I found out that I had fallen for her, it was fine."

Isaac's tired eyes moved to Lydia's face and he held her gaze. "But when you have someone who you spend your first night with, someone who's the first - the only good thing that's ever happened to you? It doesn't matter if her friends can vouch for her. It doesn't matter what they think. Unless she told you that she loved me then you don't know that, Lydia. You knew her, but you didn't know that. Not unless she said it. And from what I know, she never said it." He finally let his hands fall from her, arms aching. "I was right there and she didn't want me. She wanted Scott, she always wanted Scott, and that's fine. I didn't exist in that moment. Of course she would always care about Scott, he was her first love." His fingers pushed their way through his own hair roughly. "But if you felt the same way for Aiden that you did for Jackson... whether you did or not, I'm just saying, if you did, and they were both there, is Jackson who you would reach out for? First love or not, would you reach for the past if you had someone you loved there in the present? No. So, no, she didn't love me. She never said it. She never suggested it. So unless you can say she confessed that to you and not to me, don't say that, Lydia. I wouldn't try to reassure you about something I could never know. Don't do that to me."

Maybe Lydia was trying to convince herself because she didn't like the idea of Allison leading Isaac on and that was fine, it was completely understandable. But Isaac didn't want to feed into that vision, because it would just do more damage to him. "Maybe with more time, but not then. I wasn't good enough, then. I wasn't-" He stopped himself abruptly with a weak frown. He wasn't Scott.